Good Morning Peeps... it is a bit frosty here this morning... wind is blowing ... it is snowing... with a charming temp of 6 degrees F... yeah... ok it is brrrr... the mastiffs and poms have already been ran outside and back in... I hear the Diesel (mastiff) snoring in his bed...
breakfast is a done deal... sausage, egg, spaghetti squash, coffee.... time for some more coffee... then oxycise and tai-cheng...
ink work on my arm is healing nicely... still sore of course... but no seeping or scabbing...yay... hey gotta take care of it if you do it or you will have a nasty mess... just sayin...
yesterday for the most part was just kind of a phttttt... day... frankly I am glad it is over... yeah I know don't wish your life away... but yesterday ... for the most part I could have done without... kept cycling through emotions all friggen day... aaaccckkk... until I finally found something just ... I don't know... what to call it... calms me down and I like to see what they come up with... found Under the Gunn... I think it is called ... it's on lifetime's site... Tim Gunn is doing a designer competition... love Tim Gunn... so put it on tv... and promptly went to sleep on the couch... not bored... just gave my mind something to play with that was not dramatic... and I could let it run free and I could sleep... the video's on their site just kept playing through on a loop... as I burrowed into the back of the couch...
Then I got this charming phone call... woke me up... no I am not being sarcastic... it was a charming call... inviting me to dinner for my birthday. Patient and charming... as I was sound asleep and could not understand what was being said when I first woke up... lol...everything had to be repeated... I accepted the invitation... hopefully my jeep will start so I can get there tomorrow... supposed to have a high of 4 degrees... maybe it will warm up sooner... hope so...
Still tired today... the house is quiet... birds are at the bird feeder outside... It is amazing to me how these tiny birds survive in this cold weather... survive and actually seem to thrive... such beautiful little creatures...
The world is shrouded in white... with the wind playing across the snow... swirling it around in dancing sprays off the quonset sides... and sifting and shifting it into dips and drifts across the pastures...
The overall exhaustion... is not from physical labor... physical labor.... activity actually helps to off set the cycle that is causing the exhaustion... it has been a trigger filled month... January... now February... and I seem to have tipped the apple cart over... so to speak. An apple cart filled with PTSD IEDs ... rolling about and blowing up here and there everywhere... argh.... here's a trigger... there's a trigger... every where's a trigger ... boom da... boom... da boom...
So the question is... how do I gather up these nasty little buggers... without being blown to friggen bits again... deactivate them... and toss their nasty little bits back into the apple cart to be wheeled off and disposed of... hmmmmm..... Well...
This is part of it... writing about it... yes I could just write about it in my journals... but I know there are so many others out there... and if this helps anyone else then some good has come of all this pain and exhaustion... yes you can make it through the next cycle... yes there is joy beyond that pain... yes I know it seems never-ending... yes I know it is brutal...
Embrace the pain... like when you run distance... or lift heavy... or get inked... embrace the pain... and use it to build strength... because you are worth it... you are of value... you have purpose... there is only one you and you are magnificent... keep your light burning... it is not time yet...
Let your flame burn true... yes I am talking to me... as well as to you...
Mary E. Robbins
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