Good Morning Peeps… truthfully this has been the first morning in a couple of weeks… I’ve actually felt it was a “Good Morning” …
That evaluation plus the reunions really put it in my face that David is no longer physically here… I enjoyed looking at the pictures of the family at the reunion… some were posted on facebook… then it hit me that David was not in any of the pictures… and I lost it… my eye faucets start dripping and running even writing this bit.
I had allowed … yeah that’s right I’m taking responsibility for the miserable couple of weeks I’ve just been through… I had allowed the process of going through that last evaluation to trigger a whole spate of negative emotions and situations. They hit me broadside and knocked me completely off kilter.
Sounds more like beating my self up and blaming rather than taking responsibility… Ok… yeah probably… I am rather a bit of a control freak. I have discovered that “controlling” these waves of emotions… of grief fear and pain… is so not happening. Rather than controlling them it’s breathing through them… actually feeling the impact… the raw emotion… there does not seem to be a way to control them… it seems it is a must to experience them and come through it … one way or the other…
It’s almost like a scouring or sandblasting process… exposing different pockets of emotion sealed in there… when it is exposed it blooms out in a rush… exploding across my mental landscape… coloring everything in view… this time around my landscape was colored in the fine hues of rage and pain… not anger… nope… flat out rage… yes there was a good mix of fear… grief… anxiety swirled into the pallet…
On an up note… I am still l here… and I am not having to deal with a massive cleanup from ripping some human limb from limb… although there were about 3… or so … that my hands and fingers were literally itching to rip apart. No I am not going into detail… they had no idea and probably never will…
Another up note… my lap top is still in working order… I caught myself before it was in pieces and got away from it. One of the reasons I have not been writing much.
No I did not groom any dogs through this … what do I call it… round… cycle… whatever… anyway I did not groom either… unlike most humans they can feel… sense … the rage coming off me and it scares them. Makes them nervous and jumpy… well some of them… some try so hard to please… and others sense that rage and look for someone… something … anything to attack… Diesel and Sara have been on full alert… tearing tires apart… stalking around mom (me) … on guard ready to go…
No point in putting the Pominators through a hair pulling session tense and afraid… with an enraged human ripping their hair out… too much of a chance of them getting hurt… best to wait. Especially with the adrenalin surging through my body.
Well that was the rage side of it… kept being spun around from one emotion to another… rage… grief… pain… spin spin spin… the grief and pain side of it had my tearducts working on overflow…. Uncontrollable waterworks… like a crack in the dam broke and the reservoir behind it came gushing out. I sooooooo dislike crying… messes my vision up… eyes swell, sinuses swell… throat swells up like an allergic reaction… ugh… detest it…
That searing pain ripping through your chest is no friggen joyride either. Oh yes and let’s not forget the anxiety/panic attack cocktail swirling through the mix… skin crawling… feels like ants or spiders … racing heart… pressure in chest… and the rest of the crap.
It’s been a ride… something like the raunchiest rodeo bull you can find… jumping twisting…stomping… smash you off on the wall or fence… rolling… goring… beast… get your gloves on… spurs at the ready… grab that rope and ride baby ride… hang on until that buzzer goes off… and then get away from that beast…
The kicker is… that beast… It’s part of you. No point in denying it… denying it just makes it more difficult to deal with yourself when you’ve triggered. Acknowledge it… you still feel all the emotions … however it helps to keep you from hurting those around you.
You know what I mean… and those of you that don’t… be glad that you don’t.
The husband or wife that get put through a wall… the kid with the arm twisted out of socket and broken in 3 places… the friend with the broken neck… suicides… the vicious words out of nowhere… the list goes on and on… you can see it all around you… just look…
For those of you that are wondering… no I did not raise a hand to my husband in rage… ever...nor him to me. When David and I got together we made a pledge to each other that we would never raise a hand in anger or rage to each other. Back in the day David was a bare knuckle fighter… and I was a lifter.
Boxing bags are amazingly useful… you can just let it all out on that bag… might make a mess of it… or your hands… wear gloves… but you can let it out… without casualties…
My boxing bag has been buried in the Quonset… I so need to get that thing out where I can get to it.…
Gotta go… ranch rounds need tended to…hungry critters…
May you walk in peace…
Mary E. Robbins
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