Good morning peeps…
Gratitudes:
Firewood… seriously… yes firewood
-2 degrees… forecast was -16
Breakfast… thankful to have it as some do not…
It was nearly zero outside at 7:00 a.m. YaY! Who’d a thought I’d be celebrating minus 2 degrees… but that is much warmer than what was forecast for this morning. Weather.com says it is minus 6… so glad for the few degrees warmer it is in my yards.
So very glad the electricity stayed on… have a heater in the well area by the pressure tanks… so still have water. Yay!
The past week plus has been a confusing rollercoaster ride of highs and lows… no it is not the weather I’m writing of this time. As I draw nearer to the anniversary of David’s death… the first anniversary of the death of David’s body…
Seems like it was yesterday… today… seems like forever… seems like it never happened and he is in his recliner watching John Wayne or the military channel… or … oh… here comes the truck… the sound of which the dogs and birds perk up to listen… Time has compressed… stretched out… doubled back on itself… looping and re-looping around.
Driving the truck home in the dark on icy… snow packed… snow drifted… roads with the wind swirling the falling snow around the truck… in a full on … to the point of vision messed up anxiety … panic attack after panic attack… I kept hearing his words in my head… it’s ok… you can do this… slow down… make sure the overdrive is off… put it in 4 wheel drive… ease off the gas… don’t touch the brakes… you can do this… and I did…
Once I got to the edge of the property and picked up the mail… got the truck onto what we laughingly call our driveway… the panic lifted… anxiety seemed to just go away… and we bounced on in over the frozen ruts buried in snow to the house… excited and happy that we had made it … put a log on the hot embers in the wood stove and got the fire going…
All the while the flip side of being so tense was building… everything … and I mean everything is funny then… zip zip zip goes the mind… it’s there… no it’s over here… up there… down here… fly fly fly… faster and faster… until the momentum slows down to a crawl… and nothing is funny or bright… and there is nothing… crash to a grinding halt…
Arctic cold front… subzero temps… go out and do ranch rounds… then I hear the whisper in my mind… you can do this… one step at a time… calm… you can do this… Siberian air mass has come to visit… fear… fear … fear… fear for my animals… fear… to breathe the air… chest constricts… shhhhh…. Quiet… you can do this… stock yard boots… insulated coveralls… dish towel around my face… leave glasses in the house… brown eyes peeking out from under layers… cap… hat… hood… get your hoe… use it to keep balance… head out the door and up the hill…
The sun is shining bright… and it is made of ice… make sure everyone has feed… water… give treats… don’t know how long was outside… just was… until I wasn’t… hours… back to the house… let the house critters out… they are not acclimated… out for a moment and back inside… do not sit down until they are back inside… strip off the layers… hang on to the wall to get the stockyard boots off… slowly climb out of the insulated coveralls… totally soaked under-layers… sweat… body is done… legs quivering like a racehorse that has been run too far… but still standing… strip off wet clothes… find something dry… put another log in the woodstove… coffee… water… coffee… collapse into recliner… feet on side of buffet… crashed… totally exhausted… coffee getting cold sitting on buffet… asleep in the chair…
Wake to cooling house and cold coffee… drink it anyway… put another log in the woodstove… nuke some leftover soup… warm… back into chair… try to read and write… wake again sometime later… put another log on the fire… say goodnight stagger off to bed…
They say whatever does not kill you makes you stronger… hmmmmm…. Which this will be remains to be seen… If I am still here in this life… in this body in the spring… then I suppose I will be stronger… hey I should be a friggen spartin racer by then… or passed out frozen in the yards… either way… it is what it is… then I hear that whisper in my mind… you can do this… it’s not your time yet… when it is it is… in the meantime… you can do this…
I hear wild birds singing in the cold of the morning… celebrating a new day…
Mary E. Robbins
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