October 26 2014

Hello Peeps…

I have not been around much this past week… well not on facebook… I have been home… hermiting… I kinda crashed… over did it with the chain saw… but that is only part of it… today is David’s and my anniversary… I’d give about anything to have him back with me… miss my husband… my best friend… then I see the crap stuff people do to each other… to say it makes me angry would not be an adequate description…

They say they are a couple… give each other their word… and betray one another… they have no idea what they have and they piss all over it… to say that a lethal rage boils up inside of me at this behavior would be a major understatement… treat your partner like he/she is less than dog dirt and be surprised when they walk away… demoralizing them over and over with snide little comments… or just lack of respect and support… I see this and I think… they have this opportunity and they are pissing on it… I did not piss on my partner and he is dead… why should you have this opportunity… and this rage boils up… I am so fed up with betraying …manipulative …blame laying … selfish humans…

If I did what I felt like doing there would be bloody blades… and refuse to fertilize the earth… at least they would be useful in that way… rather than toxic pus filled boils spewing out over others… wastes of oxygen… I am a little angry… slight understatement… no I am not bloodying my blades… they are not worth the clean up… nor the karmic backlash… so I need to find a way to work this rage off… rather than letting it turn inwards… which is what has happened this past week…

Rage turned inwards and grew into a toxic depression… grinding my activity level down to nil… time to use the rage as a fuel and direct it into something constructive rather than self destruction…

What …. You thought I was all sweetness and light… not… each of us has the full spectrum within us… from one extreme to the other… acknowledge it … deny it… doesn’t matter… it is still there… a part of me…. a part of you… it is what it is… it’s what you do with it that makes the difference… choice… a gift … a curse… both…

Like so many things in this life… both a gift and a curse… so what am I going to do… hmmmmmm… take it one moment one step at a time… I choose to not be eaten alive by depression and rage… been there done that… miserable place to be… so how to change it… direct it… direct it into something constructive…

How other people treat each other is not up to me… that is their path… they will either grow to understand and appreciate the gifts they have… or they will not… not my circus… not my monkeys…

I have a circus of my own to contend with… filled with memories… emotions… live critters… work that needs to be done… and life to live… as well as some actual friends rather than vipers masquerading as such… yeah I know I could have left that last bit out… kind of an insult to actual vipers…

Ok enough… the oven timer is going off… need to reduce the temp for a long slow roasting of the chicken I have in there… ouch… my hands are still messed up… well it is what it is… I heard a line last night… that caught my attention… pain is part of life… suffering does not have to be… something to think about…

May you walk in peace…

Gratitudes: warm days… wood fire (yes in the stove) … food to eat…

Mary E Robbins
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