2012 A New Year: 1 Solid Goal

2012 it amazes me that it is actually year 2012. I remember being terrified of year 2000 when I was a child. I remember thinking... that's the year I turn 40, and for some reason it seemed absolutely horrific. Well 2000 has come and gone, along with all the doomsday sayers for that year, and I am still here.

Of course we have a whole new spate of end of world fear mongers, and fear marketers, focused in on 2012. What do I think about all that? I think I will live until it is no longer my time to be in this life then I will no longer be here, and that is as it should be. I believe the fear mongers are seeking power by terrifying people, and the fear marketers, are using fear to make money. Frankly I believe both actions are disgraceful.

I did not make a list of resolutions for 2012. I set one solid goal. My goal for 2012 is to lose 100 pounds over the course of the year. Perhaps I should rephrase. My goal for 2012 is to be 100 pounds lighter by December 31st, 2012; and to achieve this change in a healthy manner.

I am not trying to lose huge amounts of weight per week, I am not weighing every day, nor am I obsessing over this goal. This time around I know it is achievable.

It would be great to have support in this journey, but with support or without it, I am making the changes to make achieving this goal a reality.

I am not seeking my family's approval of this goal. It would be great to have it, but if they resist my lifestyle changes, then that is up to them. I am continuing on. Yes resistance has already started. In the past I have allowed it to derail my goals and fallen back into old familiar "safe" routines.

Change tends to scare people. It seems to scare the people closest to you the most. I am sorry for their fear and uncertainty; but that is something they are going to have to deal with themselves. I choose to not live this fat unhealthy miserable lifestyle any longer. This is my choice. I am sorry if it scares you but I am continuing on with my quest.

I am hoping that the changes I am making in my lifestyle will encourage my family to make healthy changes as well. I am rather of worried about my husband, but he has to make his own decisions, I can not do it for him. That's been a really tough lesson for me to learn. I have always been one for trying "to fix" everything for those I care about. Taking responsibility for making everything "ok" for everyone. By the way, that does not work. Each of us is responsible for ourselves, it would be great if we could make it "ok" for others but it just does not work that way. What it does do is turn relationships into codependent enabler relationships, and frankly that is not healthy for anyone.

2011 was a year of healing, recuperation, and discovery, for me. My activity level was extremely limited after surgery in January 2011. I have not been that helpless and needy since I was a small child. The surgeon was right, it has taken the full year to recover, and heal my body.

The reduced activity level resulted in loss of muscle mass, I was amazed at how much. However, I am rebuilding in a steady, paced manner.

The major discovery was emotional, psychological, in nature. I discovered what was behind my compulsive binging behavior. As a result the compulsion to binge is gone. That is so wonderful! On the other hand, now I am experiencing on a daily basis, the emotions I was eating, so to speak. Allowing myself to actually experience these emotions has been a challenging process.

There was a phenomenal amount of anger, pain, feelings of betrayal, grief, rage, depression, and so on buried in layers of fat. I was eating my emotions, numbing myself to them. Only to have the dam burst periodically resulting in a massive flood of overwhelming emotions. It is actually quite wonderful to be out of that cycle.

All in all it is a good change. I am no longer binging, nor am I living in the past or the future. I am actually living now, in the moment. Life can be pretty wonderful lived in the moment.

The Serenity Prayer has become a Huge part of my life. It has been instrumental in helping me to get past massive panic attacks, and to accept the reality that I can not control everything. Also that I am not "responsible for" nor "required to control" everything.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

It is ok to just be me. I do not have to be who anyone else expects me to be, or demands me to be... It is ok to enjoy the moment... to appreciate the moment... to just live. By the way, it's ok for you to just be you as well. :)

Living life in 2012, one moment at a time.

Life is a journey, enjoy the trip.
Mary E. Robbins
307-788-0202

Where Oh Where has my motivation gone?!

I had great motivation. Notice the: had. I was working out, sorting tax papers. Ugh… one of my least favorite things in the whole world to do. Actually making some progress on both fronts.

Very excited about completing a marathon on May 30th, 2010. Humph… looking forward to rocking and rolling with the Beachbody Business. Checking out my male and female Poms. Sorting out who was going to be bred for wonderful puppies this year.

I lost 10 lbs and 7 inches in January. That was pretty great. Especially since I hadn’t used my food journal very closely.

Then here it came. Thundering in on a shuddering cough and sneeze. First David got sick. My hubs who usually does not go down with the crud was laid out flat for several days. I stayed up taking care of him. Then mom started coughing and sneezing. Again I stayed up. All the while my little Mini was right there with David and myself. Then Mini started coughing, sneezing and snotting. Along with Mini I started in with the ache and cough, fever and seriously crashed.

Wham crash crumple, there went my training schedule. I went down for several weeks. Along with my destroyed marathon conditioning schedule; went my sorting and filing for taxes; not to mention the rest of my record keeping.

I went out to do ranch rounds, which of course have to be done no matter how ill. I thought I had recovered pretty well. By the time I got done with rounds my legs were doing the exhausted spaghetti thing.

I came inside and crashed. Back to doing rounds and crashing. Yay rah. Did that for several years. Really fed up with that. Kinda pissed actually. Yeah there it is, a what’s the bloody point attitude.

Ok so lets address that. What is the bloody point.
1. I’m 20 lbs down.

2. I walked 6 miles. 6 friggen miles in one shot. I hadn’t been able to do that for 7 years.

3. I lost 7 inches. Doesn’t sound like much when you watch the biggest loser. But then I’m not on the Biggest Loser Ranch. I’m here. Taking it a step at a time. I lost 7 inches in a month! You know what?! That’s pretty friggin good! No not good. It’s bloody Great! That’s what it is.

4. I’m around 2/3 of the way through the paper filing part of this mess in my office. There’s 5 years of crap piled in boxes. I have actually really made progress. It’s not insurmountable, I can get it done. It will be SUCH A RELIEF to have it all done and turned into my accountant. Not to mention being able to go to my filing cabinet and be able to access whatever I need when I need it. That will be soooooo great.

5. The room Is partially cleared so we can get mom into a room of her own. On the one hand that is a teeth gritting situation. On the other hand it is a good thing. It will give her some privacy as well as clear a bit of space out of my office.
6. Migraines, acid burns in mouth and throat, and thrashed stomach is back. As well as a whopping gastric attack. Not good things to be sure. However, I noticed that when I was working out consistently I did not have any of it. I think the Shakeology had some to do with the gastric issues subsiding as well. So, there is yet another set of reasons to workout and pay attention to my nutritional intake.

7. I did not end up in the hospital with pneumonia. I ended up with it; but did not have to be hospitalized. That is progress. That tells me my body’s immune system is stronger than it has been in a while. I am also not using my inhaler nor singular much at all. I am glad I still have advair on hand. However I have not had to use it like I had been. I know that’s a result of working out, and changing my nutritional base.

8. I’ve had a swing into the depressive side. Gray days, not wanting to move. You know the crawl in a hole and pull the top in bit. Hasn’t been fun; but it hasn’t been the black hole in the center of the universe either. Pulling in all light to no escape. Hehehe… that in itself is a MAJOR VICTORY. Two years ago this time of year I was in such a dark place that I was just done. All of my reserves were gone and I was checking out. So much physical and emotional turmoil that I was totally overwhelmed. I just dawned on me. That night, when I was the lowest. I had lost all of my checkpoints. Guard rails totally one on my icy mountain road. I was sliding off the side. I thought of the dogs needing to be taken care of and I called for help. Actually I called the suicide hotline, and a couple of wonderful/skilled ladies and I talked it through. When I look back over the years… that was the turning point. Didn’t’ immediately make things “all ok” rose colored glasses and all that rot. But, it was the beginning of my climb into the light; so to speak. Guess I’ve already done a marathon or two. Rather an ultra over jagged erratic emotional terrain; so to speak. I am stronger, and more at peace within myself than I have ever been. Healthier mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically than ever.

9. Along the way; as I’ve grown and changed. There have been some toxic people weeded out of my life. Actually as you grow; become stronger, healthier… some folks will try to pull you back to where you were. When that fails they attack; sometimes repetitively. In truth that was a quite scary process. It’s amazing where the attacks come from. Seemingly completely out of left field. Truth be told it is better that they showed their hand. Now they are exposed as the vindictive toxic souls they truly are. Do I wish them ill? No I actually don’t; which is actually rather surprising to me. Lol. I would hope they would step up take responsibility for their lives and do the work to heal them selves. But then that is up to them. They are the only ones that can do that.

Wow, I’ve found the point; and my motivation as well. So back at it… Filing, Ranch rounds and Turbo Jam today…

The sun has come out, both figuratively and in reality. There is 4 to 6 inches of snow on the ground with bright sunshine reflecting off it…

Tip: use your journal and/or blog. When you’ve lost motivation… or whatever is going on. Write it out. Publish it… or don’t publish it. The main thing is to write it out. It’s the process, the thinking, letting it flow, and writing that sorts… brings conclusions… promotes growth; shakes loose whatever is binding you up….

Life is a journey, full of growth and new discoveries.
Live it well
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch: In Wild Wonderful Wyoming
Independent Beachbody Coach: Helping other’s help themselves.
307.788.0202