May 6th 2014

Good Morning Peeps…

The birds are singing outside… and I am anxious to get out the door and get some work done outside… want to get my asparagus field mowed down so we can actually see the asparagus shoots as they come up… massive amount of tumble weeds stuck in the grass there… hoping this is a good idea… if not… then it will be a good bit of exercise… I have a walk behind dr brush mower and that field is between 1/3 and ½ half acre in size…

If we get some rain out of the storms that are supposed to be coming in tonight tomorrow and the next day… there should be asparagus shoots the next morning… or so…

The baby ducks and geese are doing great… gonna shift their living quarters around probably the day after tomorrow…

Hoping to get some more of the old plastic cleared out that is buried around my greenhouse… the wind ripped it off… the plan is to recover the greenhouse frame in a more solid material and grow year round… fish and plant produce…

I talked to the adult protective services case worker that went to my cousin & aunt’s place yesterday. I am hopeful my cousin will use this contact as a lifeline rather than retreating into self pity and anger… The case worker said at the end of the visit that she asked about programs… so hopefully she will give it a go… I know this is difficult for her… and she is … well probably is… certainly was yesterday… very pissed at me… hit me full on with the you are less than dirt attitude yesterday… not that … this particular attitude is anything new… she has dumped that all over me since I was a child… well this time I was wearing a raincoat so to speak. A very good friend was here when she started in on the speaker phone and she realized someone else was here and cut off her spew… not before he exposed herself however.

This may sound petty on my part… and perhaps it is… but I am really glad he was here… another person heard this crap… often before it was just dumped all over me in secret… then things go on as if nothing had happened… with the you do it for me attitude… while I am trying to cope with that… you are trash… garbage… less than rotted feces… message that was bouncing around in my heart and mind trying to take root… you hear it enough… it tends to take root… and it takes time and work to counter it… no not to her… for myself…

Well this time … yes the attitude was there… but there is no… well maybe I imagined that… or that could not have happened… or no she was not that nasty… boiling down into disbelief of what I’d actually experienced… because another person heard it as well… and I have not been over reacting or imagining her attitude.

I have compassion for them… my aunt is trapped in the situation with full on Parkinson’s… my cousin… well… she has issues… and I am hoping she will make use of this opportunity to get some help… but it is up to her… I am done being her pissing post. She is going to have to take responsibility for her own situation… or not … it is up to her… for my own well being I have to step back… this is a toxic relationship in the form it is currently in.

I am so thankful there are other eyes on the situation… I could not in good conscience step away without that… the case worker suggested that I continue to check in on them periodically… once a week… or maybe every couple of weeks… I had been checking on them daily… taking them groceries… etc… I did not say that for a… Oh you did so good… or oh you poor dear … response… that is not the point… what I thought was helping… or rather I was trying to help… and rather having it actually be a help… it turned into a vampire enabling mess… It is past time to step back… or perhaps it is simply time to step back… hand the situation off to other that are not so close to it… and give myself permission to live… grow… heal… and not take responsibility for another’s walk in this life… it is her path.. it is up to her if she just sits in the mud or gets up and walks… as it is with each of us…

When a hand is offered… reach out and take a hold of the hand… and make an effort… no matter how small… even if it is just opening your eyes… no matter how hard it is… just breathe…

On the flip side… sometimes it is necessary for your own journey to step away from those that choose to sit in the mud…even when you see the hillside sliding down towards them… I know that sounds harsh… well to me it sounds harsh… but if they refuse to breathe… you cannot breathe for them… it is not your fault… it is their choice… it is their journey…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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little big word

Good Morning Peeps…

Breakfast is done… the fire is flickering in the wood stove… thinking I could use some fresh coffee… and a hot epsom salts soak… Moving kinda slow this morning… have the mastiffs outside… beautiful moon hanging in the sky… and the wind is actually not blowing… ahhh…. What a relief…

I did not make it out to work in the Quonset yesterday… I did however paint two small canvases… did not drink enough fluid yesterday… and I can certainly feel it today… aching sore muscles and muscle knots… ouch… rehydrating today. Really rough day yesterday.

Anxiety was off the friggen charts… emotions devastating… emotions suppressed from time past… not dealt with at the time… shut off… now boiling to the surface…. So what triggered it… dealing with the property in Morrill … raunchy process but as I pass through this purging … exhausted as I am… I am still here… and with each step am healing and getting stronger…

Still kind of amazes me just how much that pisses some people off. Kinda saddens me too… but you know what… I am not responsible for their journey… it is one they are going to have to walk themselves… or not… their life their choices…

Easy to say… not so easy to do… stepping back rather than running into the caretaker … enabler… mode. I will still touch base… but I just am not doing this anymore… enough already …

I would much rather they be glad for me… and embrace life and growth and step forward into life along with me… but I cannot make that choice for them… their lives… their choice… and yeah actually I do care… quite a bit in truth… but it is what it is…

I will say this… the level of resentment is a bit surprising… although I guess it should not be… yet it is…. And no I am not talking about my resentment (and yes I am carrying around a rather large ball of resentment and anger perhaps I can dump it in the roll-off dumpster and get rid of it too)…

This person is really pissed … geez… it is tangible even without words… coming through the phone… makes me think of a little kid’s tantrum… adult style… I’m not going where you are going… and I don’t want you to go there either… so I am going to sit here… scream… hold my breath… turn blue… kick my feet… make myself ill… so you cannot go either… so you have to come and take care of me… because I refuse to take care of myself… smells a lot like jealousy and manipulation…

Well… ok then… do what-cha want… but I am not playing this game anymore… there is this little word that is huge in it’s implications … that I am really starting to appreciate… it is a simple little word… little huge word… only two letters in actuality… well two letters in the English language anyway… I am guessing that you already know what it is… but just in case… that little huge word that I am becoming so fond of… is ….. drum roll please…. No …

I have seen it used as a club to beat others down… but it can also be used as a key to set you free… I choose … yes it is a choice… I choose to use it as a key…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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I got a new scale...

I got a new scale. This one says I weigh 311.8 pounds. Well, hmmmmm…. That is rather disheartening. Doesn’t really matter though. I am the same weight I was before I stepped on the scale. AAAAArrrraaaggggHHHHH!

I am just going to keep going. Sooner or later my body is going to reach the tipping point and the weight is going to start going down. I know I’ve been building muscle, because I can pick up a 40 pound bag of dog feed with one hand and give it a toss… The squishy fat hump that was across the top of my shoulders at the base of my neck is gone.

I can feel the muscles across my upper chest and all the way up and down my back, as well as my abs. Granted there is a layer of fat over them… but I can feel them under there. Feels like I’m growing inside this fat suit, building up to the point to where the fat suit is gone.

Oh yeah… my double chin is gone.

Be grand if I could just flip a switch and this total body transformation could be expedited immediately… like in some sci~fi movie. But, that is not how it works. It is moment by moment, day by day, changing from the inside out.

Attitude and resolve is such a huge part of this transformation. Truth be told mine has been thoroughly tested over the past few days. You’d think that the people supposedly the closest to you would be happy for you, when they see healthy change in your lifestyle. When they see positive changes in your health. When they see changes in your activity level. They said they were. Yeah right… pppphhhhttttttt!!!!!!!!!

OMG! Let the temper tantrums begin….AGAIN! In the past I’ve allowed. Yeah that’s right, I’m owning it. I’ve allowed their temper tantrums (manipulations) to completely derail my efforts. Usually resulted in a massive binge (not this time-not even a little binge) and days or even weeks of dark gray to black depression. The kind of mind numbing grief that leaves you immobile staring at the wall.

NOT THIS TIME! Yeah, I am kinda sad, but not that miserable nasty depression.

I am sad that my mother still refuses to own her own words, and actions. I am sad that she seems to feel it is necessary to “have a death crisis” yet again. (the first one of these I can remember was just before my high school graduation in 1978) Yes I went when the nursing home called me, part of me knowing that it was yet another manipulation, and part of me reeling from hearing how awful she was doing. When I got there she was gluing a mug together. Her color was good, breathing was fine, legs were swelled … no surprise there… all in all considering the massive neglect she has put her body through for 84 years she was doing fine.

I am done taking responsibility for her choices. Doesn’t mean that I don’t love her. Just means that I love myself as well, and I am not torturing myself over her self-destructive choices any longer. I am still tired from the massive adrenaline dump, surge, whatever you want to call it, that kicked in when they called saying she was at death’s door once again. On an up note… I did not have a panic attack or a gastric attack after seeing her. That in itself is major progress… oh yeah… and no binging either.

I actually had a talk with her that I’ve needed to have with her for years. She did her best to stop me from saying what I needed to say to her. She had a friend come in, then went for the constant interruption after her friend left. I got a chair and waited out her friend. Then we had a chat. Or rather I had something I needed to say… she needed to hear it as well, whether she wanted to or not. Truthfully I’m not sure she did hear it. Oh I know physically she did, but actually acknowledging what I had to say, that I don’t know. Only she knows that.

I told her that when it is her time to go (for this body to die) then it is her time to go; not a moment after, not a moment before. So if she had some issues she needed to deal with, then she had best get it done. I said it’s up to her, her life, her issues, Up to her to deal with them. It’s not up to me, it’s up to her. There is no guarantee of tomorrow for any of us, all we actually have in this life is right now, this moment.

I stopped off at Wal-Mart and picked up some supplies, visited with a friend I hadn’t seen in years… ran into her at the store, and came on home.

When I got home I unloaded the supplies, and headed out to the kennels to take care of the dogs. By the time I made it into the house I was totally exhausted and collapsed into a chair. I told my husband about the conversation with my mother, and about running into my friend. Then I sat down at my desk… and what did I hear… cupboard doors slamming in the kitchen. It was 9 pm by that time and I had not “fixed any dinner”.

Yee Haw… let the next tantrum begin.

Really?! Seriously?! I hadn’t eaten any dinner either… I just came in from taking care of the kennels… after dealing with yet another… come quick you mom’s dying… picked up supplies and you are having a bloody temper tantrum over dinner?! OMG! Seriously?! Another manipulative take care of me tantrum. One with my mother today wasn’t enough. Really?! He’d been sitting on his rear in a recliner, watching a big screen tv all bloody day. There are 2 refrigerators, 1 chest freezer, and a pantry… all stocked with food. Seriously you can‘t get something to eat. No I did not fix him any bloody dinner. Nor do I feel guilty about it.

This type of tantrum in the past has resulted in me coddling him, fixing him something to eat then losing it and binging. This time his selfish childish bratty bullying behavior pissed me off. I said enough of this shit and went out the door got in my truck and went for a drive. Bloody well tempted to keep on driving. I sat at a crossroad for quite a while sorting out which direction I was going to go. I decided to come back home.

I am no longer taking responsibility for their poor behavior; not my mother’s nor my husband’s. In the past I have enabled their behavior. I realize this. That, I am responsible for. As for their actual behavior… nah that is not mine that is theirs and I am not carrying the burden of it for them anymore.

I am watching my husband restrict his own activity more and more. It seems like the more active I become the more resistant he is to being active at all. Makes me sad, because I see a once strong man turning into a puffy ill body. The really sad thing is that he is doing it to himself. Back in the day I would have blamed myself for his choices; and ran after him trying to “make it better”. He would scream and yell, stomp and slam, I would shut down, binge, plummet off the edge into a black hole of depression, slowly crawling out after days or weeks, needy, looking for any kind of positive affirmation or affection.

Geez that was a crap way to live. I can see where he might be a bit confused. Lol… where both of them might be.

I am still me…. But I am NOT that person any more. I am done accepting the blame, or the responsibility, for other peoples choices. Your choices… your responsibility. Deal with it.

This is my choice, my responsibility. I choose life. I choose to live. I choose to live guilt free, no regrets!

One of the coolest things about all this….. is …… I am not ANGRY any more. That white hot rage, static in my head, is calming, rather than rage and static it’s morphing into focus. I actually have moments of peace and actual calm. That is so wonderful.

I am free. Hehehehe… the circumstances really don’t matter anymore… I am still free.

Life is a journey, sometimes it is quite the trip.
Mary E. Robbins
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