Fat loss goals reached... and choices...

I like the message on this pic... seems a little harsh... but I still like it... reminds me I have choice... the way I've been swinging it's good to know I still have choice through these swings...

Good Morning Peeps… the sun is shining… the sun is shining… there is snow on the ground… but the sun is shining… beautiful blue skies above… the dryer is running with some bib overalls in there and my husband’s jeans… click click click goes the metal clasps on the bib overalls … spinning around in the dryer… there is another load in the washer…

Met a goal yesterday… to be able to get into a size 40 waist pair of bib overalls… I did not think I had a chance of getting into them… but I tried anyway … and much to my delight and surprise… I slid right into them… hehehe… yes with the fly closed… and I buttoned up the sides and clipped the shoulder straps.

When we made this goal… I could not get them past mid thigh. I have been wearing the ones that I wore at my heaviest… hey there are shoulder straps that keep them from falling off…lol… they are a size 52 waist… and used to be rather snug on me… now they are like wearing a big loose bag… hehehehe…

Next clothing goal… a pair of my husband’s jeans… June 8th is the goal date for this one… they are 38 waist… and a lot smaller in the leg… than bib overalls… I’d forgotten about the goal shirts… tried 2 on… the next smaller and the smaller one after that… and I could wear both of them… then I tried on a shirt of my husband’s that would not close over my bust line… and voila! It fit easily… I had to go and try another one… yup … I can wear them… then I headed upstairs to a closet that had too small clothes in it… clothing I could wear when I got married… guess what I can wear… lol… yeah baby… well they will fit for a little while… then I’ll decide what I am going to do with them… the fabrics I like I will probably keep and rip apart and remake into something else… the rest will be donated or sold.

I went up there looking for a pair of black jeans I used to wear… well they are not there… maybe they are in the Quonset… don’t know… I donated a lot of stuff… and tossed a lot of stuff… I did find a wealth of jeans I’ve kept over the years… eventually I may start making jackets or quilting with them…. In the meantime I will make use of whatever I need as this fat comes off…

Then I am going to go celebrate by doing the indoor skydiving thing… after I’ve done that I’ll decide whether I am going to do the bit out of the plane or not… that triggered another memory…

Before David died he and I went to check out what it would take for flying lessons… the trainer basically told me I was too fat for his little plane… when I told him I was taking the weight off he gave me a look that said… well … I’ll moderate it… and say “yeah right… sure you are” …

Well guess who is taking the fat off… and guess who will not be getting paid for flying lessons… as to what I actually think about his attitude… well I don’t think I’ll write that down…. Well not all of it… but the end of the phrase would be… and your little plane too…

The other day a person told me they had tested positive for HIV 20 years ago… and at the time it had been a death sentence… I am not sure what reaction they were thinking they were going to get… but what did happen is the faces of my friends that have crossed over from aids over the years danced through my mind… along with the friend that has been living with full blown aids for over 20 years…

Hmmm … a death sentence… I thought about that as I remembered the choice I had just made to not undergo the rabies vaccine protocols… I remembered the look on the doctor’s face when he told me in 2003 that I had west nile virus and should be hospitalized immediately… I asked him what they could actually do about it… when he said monitor it… I said I am going home… I remembered the conversation with the doctor before they set up the surgery to remove my ovaries and uterus… since all were so enlarged she said the odds were they were full of cancer… and as huge and as fast as this was growing if they were cancerous that is was throughout my abdominal cavity … if I did not have the surgery… I was done… if I had the surgery and it was cancerous in there… I was still done… I just realized… I never told David what the doc had said… I just went and had the surgery… bloody long surgery… it was a mess in there… they sent samples to two different labs… they couldn’t believe it was not cancerous…

I had been using some alternative treatments… trying to counter what was going on in there… ugh… perhaps that’s why it came back negative… I will never know for sure… what I do know is that the growths were taking so much of my blood supply that I only had a week or two left in this life without the surgery…

Why she told me that… I don’t really know… maybe to see if I would accept her anyway… I don’t know… why would that matter… my immediate response was… yeah… and…

When we are born into this life… we have a death sentence hanging over us… all of us… sooner or later are going to die…or rather these bodies are going to die… to the best of my knowledge anyway… I really do not know anyone that has gotten out of this life physically alive… all creatures born into this life die… some are only here for a very short time… some longer… in the overall scheme of things our life spans are but a moment if that… it just is what it is…

On the flip side… not all creatures born into this life really live… that part… that is a choice… and that choice is up to each of us…

I wish I had said that to her… but that moment is past and if it was to have been said then I suppose it would have been… I don’t know… it seems those answers are a bit above my pay grade … so to speak…

I am popping off here to do Oxycise and tai-cheng… there is another load in the dryer… the mastiffs are outside… Mow Mow Tat is stretched out on her shelf… the cockatiels… are doing their thing… chattering away… looks like I need to add another log to the fire… all in all life is….

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins

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Snowflakes and Choices

Doing another first today without my husband... going to a g-show with a friend... you would think going out would be an exciting fun thing… I like this person… and I enjoy his company… he is a good man…. I think this is just two friends going to an event together… it is hard though… g-shows were David’s thing…. Sad and confused… I went with him part of the time… but it was a thing for him to do with his buds…

So … I have a choice. I can celebrate that he enjoyed his life and enjoyed looking around at these shows… and choose to venture forth and enjoy the day… or I can allow myself to sink into desolation because he is no longer here to do so… he was a good man and we were blessed to share each other’s lives.

I know he would not want me to be in desolation… I know this about him… so… write your way through the sadness you are feeling this morning… have some coffee… take the ashes out… stop and appreciate the absolute beauty of the snow gently falling… without any wind… it is so beautiful outside right now… calm… peaceful… everything shrouded in a white cape … made up of tiny exquisite pieces of artwork… yes snowflakes…

I stepped out before the sun was up… it was 20 degrees F… but seems warmer… probably because the wind is not blowing… so there I am out looking around as I start to run the dogs out … and I see this sparkle … caught by the dim porch light… snowflakes… the birds in the evergreen tree in front of the door rustled their wings as I walked under their nightly perch… sending more flakes flitting across my gaze… so it is a choice… sadness and desolation… or stop… take a breath… and appreciate the beauty of this snowy morning… on the first day of Feb. 2014…

Frankly… I have really had enough of desolation… so… I am lifting my coffee cup in a salute… and giving thanks for the day… you know that feels a whole lot like inner peace… yes it does… savoring the sensation…

Mary E. Robbins
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Took these pics this morning...

when it snows or is foggy... it is as if this little hollow is it's own little world... hidden away in shrouds of gray or white...

can not see beyond the ridge...

this is the tree just in front of my door... the one I hear the birds in at night...

there is running water out under that evergreen tree for the birds...

you can sort of see the buff ducks just on the other side of the gate... sitting outside in the snow... yes they have a barn... they were talking amongst themselves... sounded happy...

Diesel's chew toy... yes it is a tire...

not moving... just clearing out stuff that is useable and cleaning out my quonset... for any of you that do not know the grey rounded building is a quonset

7 p.m.


Just came in from ranch rounds... bit chilly... 14 degrees F... the girls gave me an egg... no wind... really beautiful cold night with a sliver of a crescent moon...

My plans for today ended up changing... my friend decided to stay home because of the weather... which was probably a good idea... so ... I stayed home as well... folded some laundry... cleaned up some dirt... watched some tv... actually watched chicago pd and some of continuum...

working out is still on my list... emptied the ashes... mow mow tat's litter box... watered everyone outside... fed who needed feeding... threw out some trash... made a list for feb...

I lost 10.4 pounds in January... there have been some nifty changes in body composition... muscle gain... fat loss... my waist is down to 40 inches from 46 inches... met my clothing size goal too... actually a month ahead of time... I was aiming to get into a size 48 bib overalls... already in them... I looked in my closet today... and it dawned on me that 95% of the clothes in there will be moving on to other folks... not right now but throughout the year...

just had my dinner... cremated chicken... yeah I forgot to set the timer... was still edible... well it was still protein... lol.... oh yeah and had some green salad with olive oil and vinegar...

have the top oven set on clean now... gotta love a self cleaning oven... hmmmm... wonder how one would create a self cleaning house... now there is a thought...

all in all it has been a good day... it has also been a seriously beautiful day...

Choice...

Gratitudes:
Ears to hear
Eyes to see
A fire to warm by


Good morning peeps… a bit of rambling… and a bit of prose/poetry… about choice…

The past few days have been good… bad… interesting… all and not…

Yesterday I ran head on into… what shall I call it… geez… it’s a bit like stepping in a runoff of toxic sludge. No not literally a mudslide of toxic sludge… I am talking about an attitude… a way of thinking… truth be told it is the life path this particular person has chosen.

This person has chosen a path of fear… judgment… paranoia… condemnation… and is insistent that all others walking in this life should walk same said path… or be damned. This person is walking along… (figuratively speaking of course) with a fire hose… spraying all those within reach with a coating of toxic waste… the truly frustrating thing… well frustrating for me… is this person is doing this in the name of one so glorious and giving… saying it is this being’s will… judging and condemning all those that do not immediately conform to this person’s dark and dreary way… all the while proclaiming I am a herald… follow me… I am a herald… I command you to follow me… for I am a herald… you must follow me… you are less than… your path is foul… follow me… I know the way… as he trudges along in the toxic waste of his chosen path… in deliberate ignorance…

Refusing to see… refusing to hear… starving when a banquet is set before him… choices…

Yes I would like to reach out and shake this person and say… drop the scales from your eyes and see… or even pry them off said eyes… and expose them to the light… but it is not up to me… to force him to see… blindness or sight… tis his choice…

I would hand him a goblet of water to drink… or perchance a fine wine to quench his thirst… but said is refused and condemned as being less than… as his spirit shrivels and shrinks for want of drink… so I will leave the goblets setting on the banquet table… they are there filled to overflowing if he chooses to drink…

As for me… I am greeting the morning sun… savoring the light of the moon… giving thanks for eyes to see… ears to hear… a mind to think… a spirit to soar… as I meditate and recharge… from being sprayed with his souls sucking toxic waste…

Initially I reacted in hurt then anger… in response to the ignorant judgment and condemnation directed my way. One of so little experience and knowledge to be so hateful and judgmental… but isn’t that usually the way… hateful creatures… spewing judgment… fear… condemnation … and calling it love… calling it God’s love … no less…

Choice is such a tricky thing… that was a be careful what you ask for moment if there ever was one… seeking the gift of choice…

I can choose to stay in hurt and anger and allow that to fester in to judgment and condemnation… or I can step back and see that his words really have nothing to do with me… they are a reflection of his own toxic path… a path he has chosen… yes I would reach out my hand to help him out of the mire… but it is his choice as to whether he will accept it or reject it and allow himself to see…

I can choose to mire myself in his condemnation and pain… or I can choose to forgive… I can choose to love him anyway and step back and allow him to follow his path … yes his words were deliberate and hurtful… but I have choice as well… and I choose to be free… to actually live… and to be free it is necessary for me to forgive… to love … this does not make his words ok… nor does it make me accepting of them… it actually frees me of their toxic grasp…


This bit of poetry… or prose… however you choose to see it… came spilling out of my fingertips this morn…

For those that have ears…
Let them hear…

For those that have eyes…
Let them see…

For those that have life…
Let them live…

I am sorry that you will not see…
But I will not put out my eyes because you have chosen to be blind…

I am sorry that you will not hear…
But I will not destroy my ears because you have chosen to be deaf…

I am sorry you have chosen to make your life barren…
But I will not refuse the gifts because you have chosen to deny…

I am sorry that you have chosen to starve…
But I will not refuse the banquet because you refuse to eat…

Seeing… hearing…living…
Both blessing and curse…

Peaches have pits…
Roses have thorns…

Would you deny the taste of the peach…
To avoid the hardness of the pit…

Would you ignore the beauty of the rose…
To avoid the sharpness of the thorn…

Would you deny the richness of life…
To avoid the depths of despair…

You have choice…
May you use it well…

*******

Oh yes… and before anyone gets up in the air about it… this is not literal… it is not aimed at the physically blind, nor the physically deaf… nor the physically starving… I mean… seriously… get a grip… no there was not a man walking about town with a fire hose spraying toxic sludge… not literally…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Another day of Life... choices

Good morning Peeps…. Choosing to appreciate another day of life… there is a bird song concert going on in the trees… love that sound… gonna grab the cockatiel cage and set them outside for a bit… so they can enjoy the outside before any thunderstorms come up… glad that cage is not overly heavy… although when I first started carrying it outside and back in it felt like it was… hmmmmmm… suppose I’m getting physically stronger… this would be a good thing.

I was pretty exhausted most of the day yesterday… combination of emotional and physical exhaustion. Meeting via the phone with the rrb and my case manager the day before. In depth interview…. Looks positive but not counting on anything… which in itself is exhausting. Panic attack before meeting…. I still made it to my case manager’s office for the phone conference. Exhausted… rattled … but there… and able to actually speak… dealing with the rrb brings the trauma of losing David front and center… for several months I would lose my ability to speak when trying to deal with them…. And get very shocky… as in go into shock. Do not misinterpret… the lady we have been dealing with has been human and professional… it is not her… it’s the link up with the trauma.

Taking the omega 3’s have made a huge difference… boosting my serotonin levels… of course omega 3’s are not the only thing that effects serotonin levels… but in my case there was a marked change in the depth of depression I was having to deal with… of course I still miss my mom and my husband… as well as the friend that passed last weekend. However the overwhelming immobilizing depression that was stacked on top of the grief is lifting… I am coming back into myself…

Pretty amazing what a simple chemical imbalance can do… omega 3’s who’d a thought… glad I know now.

Yes there is still anxiety… and panic attacks… grief… sadness… but I am functioning… not caught in that swirling black hole of depression… whoop whoop! Raising the serotonin levels was huge… something else that is huge is making the choice as to focus. When my serotonin levels were too low… the depression was immobilizing… physically… emotionally… mentally… now that my chemical levels are in a better range… I am more able to choose my focus. Yes I am still working through things… of course I am… the difference… now I am able to work through things more …. Rather than being caught in a tide of misery and pain… immobilizing desolation. That is not something I miss… I can tell you that…

Each morning I am “making the choice” to appreciate the day… to give thanks for another day of life…. Sooooo… with that in mind…

Cloudy with a threat of thunderstorms here today… have the house kittens… Larry, Curly, and Mo, out in their kitty run… gonna have to take some more pics… I love the beautiful arch of their necks… beautiful characters they are… lol….

The mastiffs have had their breakfast… raw egg and kibble… the house Pominators are out zipping about the yard… doing their morning inspections… yes they check the yard perimeter… and everything in between…

I am having my breakfast… coffee with cinnamon and creamer… and a half a toasted blueberry bagel with cream cheese… no I am not starving myself… that is all I want right now… I will grab my vitamins and such and swallow them in a bit…

Planted my tomatoes yesterday… I have 6 large pots that I put 2 plants each in… don’t have my garden space prepped yet… sooooooo into the pots they went… noticed 2 more peonies that were planted last fall have come up…

I did get most of my cucumber patch cleared of grass… it’s cheat grass and field grass that comes back in each year… if I have enough energy this evening I will clear the rest of that patch… got some of the mustard weed mowed down… ugh… did as much as I could do and still get back into the house and take a bath… nose and throat were on fire… drank another shot of apple cider vinegar to stem the allergic reaction… as well as slow down the muscle spasms… I am either going to get stronger with more endurance … or be fertilizer somewhere in the field grass….. Focusing on getting stronger… healthier…

Heading out to freshen the dog waters… then a full day ahead…

May you walk in peace…. What do you see… a cracked sidewalk with a weed… or life bursting through the rubble… same picture… different view… your choice…

Mary E. Robbins
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Friday's Rant:

My face was twitchy most of the day and evening yesterday. My body’s warning system. Low on some vitamin/mineral… too bad there isn’t a flat screen that can tell me what to intake in exact amounts. Wouldn’t that be grand?! It’s still off, I know it is because it is still that twitchy feeling along the outside of my right eye socket. That twitchy bit is the precursor for an upcoming event. The event being either spasms that catch and release, or a major knot up in some muscle group that just stays contracted … painfully contracted… until it gets enough of the vitamin/mineral it needs.

Cravings went into overdrive yesterday… calcium (milk or milk products) potassium (potatoes oranges peanut butter) salt (anything salty I could get my hands on)

I wonder, hmmm… I wonder if one or some of the scripts I’m on are interfering with nutrient absorption. Time to dig through some more mountains of useless information searching for what the side effects of long term use of these drugs actually are. Ick. I use Advair, Singular, and Nexium.

Part of my quest for a healthier lifestyle is to get rid of these drugs, as in no longer need them. One day one step at a time. It’s frustrating to me that doctors/medicine in this country treat symptoms rather then what’s behind the symptoms.

Reflux for instance. Throat and ear infections much? Sinusitis, bronchitis, pneumonia much?

So what’s behind the reflux? Hiatal hernia, yes maybe. Excess acid production, as in H pylori, yes maybe. Could be, just could be OVEREATING! Compulsive binge eating, or simply stuffing yourself with too much food. (clean you plate~a plate by the way that has enough food on it for 2 or 3 kids~clean your plate and you can have some ice cream)

Lets not deal with the crap eating habits, or what’s behind the binge eating. No, No, lets not actually deal with the issues and behaviors that are actually behind the health issues in the first place. Let’s just throw a drug at it. Let’s create a nation of obese drug dependent citizens instead. AAAArrrraaaaggghhhh!!!!!!

Ok, so I would prefer to not have had years of drugs thrown at symptoms, not actually knowing that … and here it comes… my behavior and or issues were what were causing the health problems my body was having. Hey they were doctors so I believed what they said. Yeah well that didn’t work out so well.

I remember when I learned that binge eating and reflux were related. A cause and effect relationship. It was like a light bulb went off … OMG! I’ve done this to myself all these years. I didn’t think I could do anything about it, and all this time, my behavior was causing it! No my doctor did not tell me, I was doing some reading and discovered it.

No, I am not saying to not use doctors; I am saying to take responsibility for your life/health/body/mind/spirit… and educate yourself. It would be great if we could just trust that what other’s said was the best for our health. However that is not the case. If you give away your personal power, and do not take responsibility for yourself… well look around you see it everywhere. (can we say: morbidly obese people in scooters at Walmart for instance~or skeleton skinny models on runways)

There is nothing I can do about the choices/decisions I made in the past. What I can do is go on from here. I choose to be healthy/happy and to live my life.

I am actually kind of amazed that I road my stationary bike a total of 150 minutes yesterday. I road 3 different sets, with a short break in between. 1st set: 47 minutes 2nd set: 48 minutes 3rd set: 53 minutes. I road until my feet went totally numb. Then I got off and carefully walked around until I had the feeling back in my feet and bum. It’s taking longer for my feet to fall asleep… I am hoping that eventually I can go the entire ride in one set without my feet and legs going numb.

Pretty beyond it on my eating yesterday. Was not a good day in that aspect. Sounds like an advertisement, but the Shakeology and or P90X vitamins/minerals, really seem to make a difference. I did not ingest either yesterday and my body was demanding something all day yesterday. Major duh on my part to not just give it the nutrients it needed. Lol… unfortunately on my part by the time I get to that point I’m not thinking any too clearly.

BTW I got smart and took P90X vitamins/minerals after breakfast. The twitchiness in my face is lessening. Obviously there is something in there my body needs. These vitamins/minerals have not turned my stomach so far. Yay!

Better start on nutrition today.

On to it… may you have a great day.

Life is a journey, enjoy the trip.
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202

The End of March 2011

Ok this is the third time I tried to start writing this post.  So here goes. March 31st 2011, and I got on the scale this morning to a charming weight of 306 pounds. Kinda disgusted with that. But it is what it is; going on from here.

I suppose I could make all kinds of excuses, but truth be told there aren't really any.  I knew I was eating too much but did it anyway. I will say things seemed pretty pointless and I developed an attitude of "what's the point".  It's crazy frustrating when you are trying to change your lifestyle and those you live with are acting out over it.  It's seemed like every time I worked out or lost a pound he would go and get ice-cream or pie. Oh yes, I know I am fully responsible for my own actions. I crashed and burned in a nasty depression.


So here I am, 306 lbs.  There has been an interesting development. The hubs had a doctor's appointment and she chewed him up and spat him out.  I knew he was eating himself to death, but his sugar reading was really bad.  Doc told him to reduce his consumption to 1800 calories a day. She also increased his long acting insulin.

The first day was full of temper tantrums and whining. Today has been better about the eating. Both of us are doing the 1800 cal.  It is such a relief to not have him stuffing three meals down his throat at one sitting.  Really helps to actually be making these changes with someone rather than going against the tide.

He wanted some new bib overalls and thought he wore a 38.  Surprise, surprise, he ended up with size 44 before they fit right. That was a bit of an eye opener too.  I haven't done any better since I had surgery either. Very limited activity and yes some emotional eating too.  I've gained 3.5 inches on my bust putting it at a resounding 51.5 inches.

Truth be told I kinda freaked out over 1800 cal a day too, but there is actually plenty to eat depending on how you choose your food.

I've been really worried about the hubs. He has been home since the first of the year and really packing it in. This visit to the doctor was a good thing. Maybe we will have some more years to enjoy... rather than just existing sliding into an unhealthy demise.

I am really looking forward to no longer carrying around 161 extra pounds.  Rather than looking at the total weight to lose, I am looking at one day at a time, changing lifestyle, and 5 to 10 percent of my weight. They say losing 10 % of your weight can make a huge difference in your health. I hope they are right.  So here we go... looking at 10 % of my weight; that would be 30.6 lbs. When that is off I'll look at the next 10%. That first 10% lost will take my weight down to 275.4 lbs. Still seems like a lot but it's under 300 lbs. That is something to celebrate as far as I'm concerned.

When I got on the scale this morning I was afraid I was over 310.  I was very relieved that I wasn't . That in itself was a victory today.

Finally got wifi set up so I can use the interactive trainer in my treadmill.  Started on that today too. Kicked my behind. WoW, it's amazing the difference the incline makes. That was quite the workout, huge difference from walking or running on a relatively level trail.  This training program jumped up to 26% incline. I lasted 15 minutes. May not be very long, but I'm going back at it again. I have Ifit for a year before I need to renew it. I am determined to make good use of it.

Slowly working on de-cluttering my home as well. Wish I could instantly have that done, but its a process to be sure. I read an article that said clutter had a negative effect on weight loss. I can believe it. Get frustrated over the mess and just go eat. Look at the whole thing and become overwhelmed and go sit in the corner of the couch and hide. Been there done that. There is so much friggen mail. Good grief. It's not just mail though.  Making changes, one day one trash can at a time...

Life is a journey, sometimes the trail is twisty
Mary E. Robbins