anxiety rollercoaster...

Wow… anxiety just went into hyperdrive… I so hate this… such a simple thing … and I have really triggered… yes I grabbed the rescue remedy… hate that feeling like ya are going to hurl all over the place… feel like I am in freefall… ok… breathe… calm… breathe … calm…

Cooking dinner for some friends tomorrow evening… now it looks like there may be one more coming… there is plenty of food… it’s not that… it’s just another person in my house… I have met this person before… and she was actually supposed to be here last week… and did not make it… I just triggered… argh… ok… I am not cancelling… I am going to do this… I don’t care how bad this rollercoaster ride gets… I am doing this… if I step back now… I will be putting a bar back up on a prison window… one I have been working on ripping out of there…

I have been outside most of the day… came in to cook and eat lunch… fixed lambsquarters a bit of chuck… cantaloupe … and some tomato… I loaned my internet to a friend for work this morning… so I have not been online most of the day… I did ranch rounds… planted the flower pots in my front yard… and was pulling the field grass and bind weed out of my irises… I am going to head back out there and try to work some of this off…

Need to pull the meat out of the freezer for tomorrow’s dinner… I miss David so much… my Kaizen drum got here late yesterday afternoon… I played it for a while last night and a bit today… I know he would have loved it… I hope he can hear it…

June is the month David had been taking vacation before he retired… it is also the month my Pops came to visit for several weeks… they are probably hanging out together on the other side… I am trying to make it here… but this afternoon I have sure slammed into a wall of pain … anxiety… panic… and grief…

Wow… ya think you are doing ok… then it’s like walking on a road with switchbacks… you think you have gone quite a ways… then you find you are right back there in the thick of it… gotta love triggers and emotional flashbacks… anyone for skipping through a mine field today… whoo ha…

Wowzers… cycled through that pretty fast… I am hitting the wtf was that all about point now… ppphhhhtttt!!!!!!... and pisssed… gggrrrrrrr…. Yes I am growling… yanking that grass out should give some satisfaction… actually wouldn’t mind beating the stuffing out of the boxing bag… friggen sinuses are totally stuffed now… seriously…

I am going to play with my drum a bit more before doing a video… the first video will be short and freestylin… sometime after that dinner… just going to use the lap top to do it… so nothing fancy… hope the sound picks up… because the tones are wonderful… I am loving this drum… I may write some tunes later… but for now it’s just feelin it…

Still kinda shaky but leveling off… hey who needs a carnival for a rollercoaster ride… saw a deer walking along the railroad tracks yesterday as I was driving the jeep down the gravel road by my place… was beautiful… no I did not have my camera…

Aaccckkk… my nose is totally stuffed up… gonna heat up some water for something hot to drink… yes probably coffee… yeah ok… it’s coffee… 6 big pots in the front yard… 1 scented geranium, 1 pot purple verbena, 1 pot red geranium, 1 pot coleus, 1 pot red geranium, 1 pot dusty miller… put some Johnny jump ups around the geraniums… these big pots are sitting beside the kitty kennel.. so the kitties were reaching out and playing with my hair as I worked… Larry was sitting on top of their house just having a grand time batting the hair on top of my head around… and so was Curly…

My garden is a massive weed bed… eventually I’ll get to it… ah well… anybody want to have a week yankin party… yank that weed… now shake it all about… grab another … stand up and shout…

Yeah ok… I am past it… friggen anxiety attack… guess this is what I mean by writing my way though it…and yes I did stop and play with my drum a bit…

Timer is going off… gonna pour some coffee… this time it is weak coffee… re-used my grind from this morning’s coffee in the French press… nose is opening back up… went and used some of that lung cleanse stuff… seems to help… so it is pour some coffee… have some hot… and go get the meat out of the freezer to thaw… and pull some more grass… then take a break …

Later taters… may peace fill you…

Mary E. Robbins
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another transition day

Wow… today is another transition day… my energy levels recharged as the thunderstorms rolled by… wonderful… sat out in the yard and had a smoke and watched the clouds for a bit … a smoke offering so to speak… Gaia (the earth) had her groove on today… amazing cloud formations… as the thunder storms rolled by to the north and east of us… snapped some pics… hoping some of the amazing beauty and energy comes through…

I have been working on processing asparagus most of the day… some in quart bags… some longer spears in gallon bags… and some short chops in quart bags… not done yet… I am enjoying the process … actually have some in the cast iron dutch oven with some olive oil and a bit of steak cooking for dinner… I can hear it sizzling as I write… yes I am going to stop writing for a bit and eat my dinner… yum…

Yesterday I was in the asparagus field picking for 2.5 hours… give or take a bit… then decided I wanted to keep as much as possible in the form of longer spears… so I climbed into the jeep and dashed into town for some gallon freezer bags…

An antelope ran across the highway right in front of my jeep on the way into town … I am happy to be able to say the brakes worked well… so no I did not hit it… I was right behind another vehicle… and it ran right between the 2 vehicles… poor thing was so scared it was bug-eyed…

Picked up some flock raiser for the young ducks and geese… beef back ribs and a roast for this coming Saturday’s dinner… some bacon for my breakfasts… garlic powder… coarse ground black pepper… blue corn chips… an orange… some radishes… a cucumber… and dashed back home… checked on the chest freezer to see if it was still running… re positioned it… you know that thing is pretty heavey… yes even empty it is pretty heavy for me to move… scraped up some more mess off the Quonset floor… did ranch rounds… ate dinner… and… crashed on the couch as gunsmoke was playing in the background… crashing was not my intention… but aw well… guess the body was just done…

I was just zzzzzz out for several hours… woke up and brought the hairballs back inside… along with the Muscoveys and mastiffs…

Sat outside a bit with the mastiffs and enjoyed the beauty of the sky… totally amazing… dark grey… dazzling white… rolling shifting in movement… moving fast… total calm… rushing wind… then calm again… and the sun came dazzling back out… I walked around looking at different angles… and directions… then sat down at the yard table and enjoyed the rest of my cigar with my mastiffs… as I was sitting there it dawned on me that the chair I was sitting in… was actually comfortable… as in I fit in it without being pinched… last year at this time that chair would have actually been painful to sit in…

Weight loss update… yesterday morning my weight was down to 244.8 lbs… 69 pounds down and still going…

Later: It is now 10:59 p.m. and I just finished with the asparagus for the day. Took me a while to get through this… I packaged and froze 48.81 lbs of asparagus today… that makes a total of 65.83 lbs frozen altogether… you know what… I am tired.

The transition… I mentioned earlier… or perhaps it is the result of a transition… came about during a conversation with my cousin. She decided to plant a barb in me… used to be these verbal barbs really hurt me… and would trigger me most times… I noticed a well placed barb by another person the other day… that would have sent me reeling in the past… so what is the point… I am actually kinda amazed… and relieved… both barbs had little to no effect… other than to make me say to myself… well that was nasty… jealous much… neither one of them had any real negative effect on me… other than showing me a bit of the negative attitudes they carry… yes I am moderating my speech…

Kinda amazes me… makes me smile too… I am free of that nasty game… and am actually starting to see it in play… interesting… hmmmmm… well they can live any way they choose too… but then they get to deal with the consequences of their choices too… just as the rest of us get to deal with the consequences of our choices… I am making the conscious choice to be free of their nasty negative little games… you know that is kinda cool… yes I am smiling… really friggen tired… but smiling…

Yatta …. Yatta… yatta… that’s all folks… I am putting my feet up… and will more than likely fall asleep in the recliner…

 

Mary E. Robbins

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May 19 2014 another day...

Good Morning Peeps…

Moved the baby ducks and geese outside this morning… here’s hoping I made the right decision… but whether it is or not… it is done. It is amazing how fast they are growing… and the varied sizes of the ducks…

Have a friend coming over to put the fuel pump on the DR mower and hopefully get a couple smaller mowers going… this mustard weed is working me over big time… ugh… need to get that stuff cut down around the yards… argh…

Want to get the tomato plants set out today as well… saw some leaves coming out on the plum trees… or sticks as they are now… and some strawberry leaves coming out… wondering when the blackberries and Jerusalem artichokes are going to get here… geez…

Still tired and aching… part of it is that miserable mustard weed I know that… took a hot soak this morning and it loosened up the muscles in my back legs and arms… arms are seriously sore… but then they should be getting stronger from this work as well…

Gratitudes: good friends… hot black coffee… some sunshine this morning…

Later taters

Mary E. Robbins
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an emotional day

ranch rounds done... 2 eggs today... full feed on the kennel runs.. made sure everyone had feed in their houses... running low on dog biscuits... gonna have to pick some up if my order does not get here quickly... raked in the lower yard some more... the temps were wonderful today... but dropped this afternoon... sky was a dark cloudy gray while I was out working... and the wind started picking up...

supposed to rain then snow tonight... here is hoping we don't end up with iced power lines and downed trees...

had dinner... no not the brown rice... lol... put it in the frig for warm ups... had some cucumber, radishes, grape tomatoes and a couple ounces of cold roast beef...

it has been a rather emotional day... and I am tired... thinking I am going to stick my feet up and either read or watch a movie... probably go to sleep in the recliner...

watched the birds at the feeder while I was doing dishes... I can see them out the kitchen window... as soon as I step outside to try and get a pic they fly off to the evergreens behind the house...

might be back later... but just tired...

Mary E. Robbins
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A bit of verse... and a full day...

A bit of verse came dancing through my mind...
may you enjoy...

This is a night for dragons flight
Sailing across the sky…

Dipping and diving
Dancing through the clouds

Rolling and lolling
In the pure moon light

Iridescent in their glory
Moonlight in their eyes

Open your eyes and see
Wonders such as these

Chickens fed... ducks fed and their water tank washed out... it was too much fun watching them play in the clean water... they get in that low tank and splash and dive their heads down... quacking away... sounded like a duck party... I'm thinking that quacking was duck laughter...

Bedroom windows, bathroom window, and living room windows… done… done… done… I was putting on a second layer of plastic with an air barrier in between the first layer… I was using duct tape… but for some reason it just would not stick… rotten stuff… actually it was a new roll… teach me to buy cheap duct tape… well I did it sort of the old fashioned way instead… I actually I used a base … in this case rolled dog food bags into about a 2 inch strip… and stapled it on.

I had been having a problem with smoke coming through the bedroom windows unless the wind was blowing… not any more… yeah baby… ok so I have colorful borders around my windows… such is life… or should I say it is the repurposing way… hehehehe….

Still need to do the upstairs windows… but that is so not happening tonight…

Got part of the laundry done… compression pants washed and hanging in the bathroom… stripped the bed and washed the sheets… towels in the washer now…

Doing a bit of prep work for the weeks meals… trying to eat more nutritiously … this body does much better on good quality fuel…

Got a cart load of wood in for the wood stove as well… changed out the vac filter…took out ashes… brought the hairballs and mastiffs in… the kitty trio are coming in to sleep at night now too… the girls had caught nasty colds… I have been opening a capsule of Echinacea and dumping it in their water… no more snotty noses and sneezing… yay! I was pretty worried about Curley and Mo… Larry is recovering nicely from his neuter… or so it seems anyway… all three have good appetites again.

Had to go outside and just enjoy that moon… wow… so beautiful… lighting up the sky. Took a bit of amaretto out with me and sat in my chair and just soaked it up… yes that is when that verse came skipping through my mind… I didn’t sit there too long because I could feel myself relaxing… and would have been quite content to drift off to sleep in the moonlight even though it is rather nippy out with the wind blowing… with what I was wearing I probably would have woken up on the other side….

It seems it is not time for that as of yet… so I came back inside… it is truly a beautiful night…

Time to check the oven… the timer is going off…. Veggies already in the frig … have some pork steaks roasting… it’s going to be a porky week… hehehe…

Then going to stick my feet up… as I am truly tired…

Nite peeps… may you rest well…

Mary E. Robbins
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 Gratitudes:
a roof over my head
breakfast... homefries, slice of bacon, 2 eggs and some grapes... oh yeah and coffee...
a day at home

Zip... Zip... Buzz... baking and buff ducks...

Good morning peeps… busy morning already… got the cockatiels (Pete & Blue) outside, the Pominators, and the Mastiffs… baked come cornbread/onion/jalepeno/sausage/corn mini muffins to take to the luncheon this afternoon along with the sautéed cream cheese cayenne onions I cooked last night and stuck in the frig.

Took my vitamins… cooked breakfast and ate it… have my morning mug of coffee sitting here while I am logging my food intake and writing you a note. I even washed my breakfast dishes and the cast iron kettles that needed washing… muffin tins will have to cool a bit more before I mess with them.

I took the vitamins yesterday too… and lost almost 3 pounds in swelling… legs are still painful… but then they are always painful… just is what it is… but they are not burning as much… yay!

I realized something yesterday…. Sounds the chimes… set off balloons… Mary had a thought… lol… anyway… I tend to run in cycles… super energetic…can we say a bit manic… get a bunch of stuff started or finished… then crash… and slide into a depression… then come out on the other side of it all on an even keel for a bit…

I really do not care for swallowing pills… frankly I don’t care what they are… I just do not like taking them… ok… so that said… I did not realize I was doing this… and for some reason yesterday it clicked in… wait a minute… when I am zipping about in my “energetic” state… I do not take my vitamins… oh yay…ppphhhttt…. As a result… when I wind down… I really wind down… lacking the omega 3’s the down swing is more intense… more exhaustion… more depression… hadn’t taken the cinnamon and cayenne… resulting in increased swelling and more pain in my legs… of course when I am zipping about I tend to not elevate my legs as much as I should either… also resulting in increased swelling… just gotta love genetics… ppphhhtttt….

Zip zip buzz… zip zip buzz… crash boom… exhaustion… in a black hole… sleep sleep sleep… crawl out… gee what was that all about… even keel and logic for a bit… oh yeah… lets throw in some massive anxiety and panic attacks in the mix… and don’t forget our friend the “rage monster” …. Make a great cartoon character… geez… may as well laugh… there is no point in bawling about it…. 

It is 9:00 a.m. already… and thunderstorms are forecast to come in this afternoon… so I want the ranch rounds done this morning… need to freshen waters, check feeds, refill whatever is lacking… and so on… need to mow the yards and drives as well… don’t think that mowing is getting done today… hoping to pull a couple of dog coats after the luncheon…. Have a hair storm during the thunderstorm… hehehehe…. dog hair dog hair everywhere…

Oh yeah… we are going to have some new family members on Monday…. These family members have 2 feet… and quack… I am not sure how many there are… but the young buff ducks are coming to their new home … I just love the sound of quacking ducks… and how soft they feel… these are buff ducks… I am looking forward to watching them grow to maturity… a friend is giving them to me… along with some rhubarb… thank you Lynn … 

Ok… get up and get out that door and do what you need to do Mary… gotta go… later taters…

May you have a blessed day…

Mary E. Robbins
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Just sayin..... no matter how twisty things can be... it's a pretty amazing actually...