Choosing to give thanks for the day

Good morning peeps… I am making the choice to give thanks for the day… thanks for the water… in that my pump is working… and the water is not toxic…thanks for the roof over my head … thanks for the bed to rest in… thanks for company both four footed and two.. both near and far… may all of us… have calm in our minds and peace in our hearts… may each of us not only exist… but live this day…

I am thankful that yesterday is past. Frankly yesterday was a storm of a day. Not in the glorious watch the majesty of those clouds storm of a day… although we did have a thunderstorm full of wind and rain as well.

The storm I am referring to is the type of storm that can rage within each of us. The night before I had hit a wall. This body was just done and it stopped…. Still alive but no more walking, no more talking, no more being awake… it just stopped… done… whatever was left to be done for the day was left undone…. Unfortunately one of the things left undone for the day was bringing the cockatiels inside… so they spent the night outside… fortunately for them it was only a foggy night not driving rain or wind. Yes they seem ok… terrorized for the night since the Pominators were inside … that means the ranch cats prowl the yard… yes the yard their cage was sitting in…

After this body crashed… it woke around 2:30 A.M. with a searing headache… confused… head totally congested… in the midst of a storm of anxiety… no I did not realize at 2:30 that the birds were still outside… I did not realize that until around 7:00 or so… meanwhile they were sitting in a wet dense fog…

The combination of headache… confusion… anxiety… left me relatively useless for the day. I would try to get things started… and would break out into an exhausted sweat… aaaarrrggghhhh… ok… annoying sweating I can deal with… not being able to get my breath and that pressure and pain in my chest… I can seriously do without. Yes I know it sounds like a heart attack…. It can be … can be… yeah ok… it is … impossible to tell the difference. I am not calling the ambulance or going to the emergency room every time this happens… I would be in there several times a week. This time it was anxiety… or if it was the heart… then it simply was not my time to go. I am very tired today… and my chest aches… but I am breathing… and I can walk… yesterday I was running into things and dropping things… grrrrrr…

Grip seems to be ok today…as I have not dropped my coffee mug this morning… yay! Now you know that would be a crisis…hehehehe…. I did not write this for a feel sorry for me thing… it just is what it is… I wrote it because I know there are others out there going through … shall we say challenges… just breathe… take another step… allow yourself to be…

May your mind be filled with calm… and your heart with peace… no matter what is going on around you… or in the body that your are living in…

Mary E. Robbins
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July 3rd, 2013... a day in the life...

6:30 a.m.
Good morning peeps... house critters are all outside enjoying the morning temps... I've had my toast and coffee... heading outside to start up the big mower... miss my Hubs... we used to sit at the table and have coffee and eat breakfast... and visit... sometimes just be together... we walked up on the taller hill behind the house and watched the 4th of July fireworks from a distance... we could see some from the various towns in the distance...

We cherished the times we were able to spend holidays together... because most of the time we could not... he did not lie to get off work... so most holidays he was out on the trains... I am thankful for the love and time we had together... we were going to grow old together...

David went on ahead... I know he is ok... whew... ok... deep breath... and another... heading outside to run the big mower... it really is beautiful outside this morning... heard the pheasant calling this morning... the cockatiels ... pete and blue... are singing greetings to the morning...

Greetings... to the Morning...

11:30 a.m.
Well my plans got changed... I was filling the gas tank on the dr mower when my back decided to spasm... grrrrrr... spilled some gas but at least I did not drop the can. Then I went to start the mower... dead battery again... ugh... so the charger is on it... when I park it this time it will be either in the quonset or close to it... with a maintenance charger on it. We'll see if that works.

Mowed down some more grass and weeds down between the quonset and the chicken run... made a bit of a mess out of the mower blade. It still works but is pretty dinged up... It will take quite some time... but I will be glad to have the iron and stuff gone off this place... or all piled together... at least there will be no wild critters hiding in thigh high grasses as I walk by there.

the muscles around my rib cage did not hold long today... used up about all they had knocking down those last weeds and trimming the base of a tree. Thought I'd rake a bit... but that did not work... will have to wait for another day.

going to try the dr mower again in a bit... I know it will be hot out but perhaps I can manage to get a bit mowed. probably not a good idea... but if I can control the mower I am going to give it a go.

have dishes soaking in the kitchen sink... stripped the bed and put the sheets in the washer... dog laundry half done... the pads for the mastiff's beds still need washed.

I did not sleep well last night... woke up every hour... has left me rather tired. A soak in an epsom salts bath may be a good idea after I have done the dishes and folded some laundry.

Not sure what I am going to do for the 4th of july... if anything special. Fireworks are so hard on the dogs I will not be having any here... do not think I would risk it as dry as the grass is in any event. Torrington announced that they were cancelling theirs... I believe Scottsbluff is still setting theirs off... not crazy about driving home after... I've been staying very close to home at night since David passed.

In time perhaps my adventurous spirit will return... One step at a time...

1:30 p.m.
 I did it! I got the dr mower started… I followed through and mowed one of the driveways … walked it for an hour… and an added bonus… I stopped at an hour. Celebrating stopping after an hour may sound silly… but it is not… let me put it in perspective for you. I tend to get out there and just keep going until I can go no longer… now you would think that would get more accomplished. Well it does not! When I keep going until I can go no longer, it is literally until I can go no longer and I end up unable to function for days afterwards. So pacing myself and stopping in a prescribed amount of work or time actually allows me to accomplish more. Hopefully without the injuries to my body I usually incur.

Peeled my sweat soaked clothes off… after I pick the cheat grass heads out of my compression pants I am going to do a load of colored laundry and wash the sweat and dirt out of them. Rehydrating with a greenberry Shakeology smoothie. Going to cool down… then get in a tepid Epsom salts bath and hopefully start on my inside list again.

I blew it yesterday after working outside and crashed when I came back inside. Giving myself some time parameters today to try to keep focused on the various tasks. Perhaps that will help to keep my mind focused and away from grief … anxiety… panic attacks… and the rest of that nightmare as well.

I choose to function…. I never really thought of that as a choice… but I have discovered it is an active choice for me these days… often a determined one to actually make it come to pass. Who’d a thought.

Take 30 minutes to drink Shakeology smoothie and cool down… then bath… then it’s off to town to take care of some business that needs to be done today and refuel the jeep and get chicken feed. Oh yeah… the girls gave us 5 eggs today. YaY…I got them before whatever else is eating them. No broken egg shells in the chicken house…

Then back home make the bed, wash some more dishes, fold some clothes, get online and do some research.

Winding down… truth be told I’d just as soon curl up on the couch and take a nap… but that is not for now. I want to be able to say to my self… I did it at the end of this day.


May you walk in peace...

Mary E. Robbins
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