The Greatest Thing...

Today I hit a new lowest weight… down to 283.8 lbs. I haven’t been this light in weight in years. It’s funny you know… the difference between how I think of this now and how I was celebrating weight losses before David crossed over.

I would have barely been able to contain myself… wiggling and dancing around the room. Impatiently waiting until David woke up to tell him. He would have smiled and hugged me and told me great job… I am happy for you… Then he would have grinned and rubbed my belly and said… I love your belly… you are beautiful….and the wonderful thing is that he actually meant it.

I realized something this morning. This is not so easy for me to admit … even to myself.

I have lived most of my life in fear. The times as a child I remember not being afraid… when mom and I were lying in bed looking at the strange patterns on the bedroom ceiling… picking out different characters or scenes we saw. Then I was not afraid… I was safe and warm and secure in my mom’s love. Mom and Dad were already living in different places. When I was riding Princess (horse)… her hooves flying over the ground… clinging to her back … riding bareback hanging on to her main… feeling the glory of her muscles flowing smoothly under me… it was as if we were one being flying over the ground together. Riding on the back of Unk’s motorcycle (my Uncle Gene, mom’s brother) when I was very little… the wind whipping around us I was small enough that my feet did not reach the foot pegs.

Ok… gotta stop for a while… started thinking of when and where that fear started… who knows it’s insidious…

I remember Grandma and I were together and she fell down. Mom and told me to take care of Grandma… and I let her fall. I hurt my Grandma. Grandma’s body had the same genetic disease… malfunction… whatever you want to call it… in her legs that mom and I both do. They swelled… massive veins… running ulcers… you couldn’t count on them to support you … I realize logically now that I could not have prevented her fall… but my heart still hurts that my Grandma fell and I could not stop it. Mom had, had to go somewhere for something and I was with Grandma. I brought Grandma pillows so she could get back up with her crutches. I was a very little girl…

Sara (bullmastiff) just walked into my office and hugged me with her massive head and neck. She is panting… nervous and concerned because I was crying. She would take all the pain and worry away if she could. Her hugs help… but she can not take it away any more than I could prevent my Grandma from falling.

Each of us has to walk our own path… and sometimes the trail is brutal.

When Grandma’s body died, October 1969, my world as I knew it ended. Grandma was my safe place, kind of like David has been. I think she was Mom’s safe place too; and Unk’s as well. When ever a bad storm would come up we would head down the hill to Grandma’s house. She would bake these huge sourcream cookies and I would get ingredients for her and sit in the door watching the rain and playing with granddaddy long legs. I didn’t hurt them… just let them run across my hands when I saw them… their legs having such a light feathery touch. Mom took me to the funeral with her… and I kissed grandma’s body’s forehead. She wasn’t there… just a cold rubbery body was there… with her hair fixed all strange and make up on her. Grandma wore her long silky silver hair in a bun… and never wore make up. She had blue eyes…. And was around 6 ft tall. I am named after her. Her name in this life was Etta Mae… My middle name is Etta.

She had this long grey fuzzy soft coat… like fur but not… after she passed I used to sleep with it… curled around it hanging on… I saw her once in a dream… she was walking down this road trying to come back to us. We moved from our house into Grandma’s house after she passed. It had propane heat and we heated solely with wood….or whatever else we could find to burn.

Mom was there, but she wasn’t the same anymore… Uncle Gene was there… but he was not the same either. It’s like the lights had gone out in their eyes. What had been warm and safe… was cold dark, filled with pain, nothingness, and anger… I was afraid … and cold and dark inside too… I was nine years old. I remember my 5th grade teacher talking to me… Mrs. Borden. But I can’t remember what she was saying… I just see her face in my mind’s eye.

The night Grandma died… she had, had gallbladder surgery. And from what I understand they fed her bean soup… and she bloated and burst her stitches and bled out. Did they actually feed her bean soup… I don’t know… that’s what I remember. I remember I wanted to go home from the hospital and sleep in our own home with mom….and mom gave in and took me home rather than staying with Grandma. I loved that little house… and my room… it had windows all around… you could lie there in bed and look at the stars... and moon. We had one phone in the house… it was on the wall. We went rushing back to the hospital… I know we rushed because grandma’s body was still in the bed… and there was a pool of blood under it. Deep red and shiny… I blamed myself for Grandma dying…. I felt that I had killed my grandma. I never spoke to mom about this until recently. Yes I know it’s illogical… especially after the way David crossed. I could not stop that either.



The dogs, cats, and birds in the house are upset… because I am upset. Willie (blue parti pom) is nervous and whining… he has this high pitched whine that can get through whatever grief fog I may be submerged in…the sound piercing my ears into my consciousness…


 


Grandma knew her time was coming. I remember earlier that summer she had told me she did not have much time left. She was trying to prepare me for her crossing… I could not allow myself to see what she was saying. I look and see signs now regarding David’s crossing… 43 years later and I did the same thing that 9 year old girl did… I went into total denial… unable to bear the thought.

When Mom crossed in September… September 6th 2012. I was sad but not surprised. She had told me about a dream she had about this being coming to get her. I knew her time was near. I celebrated her freedom from pain… freedom from that wheelchair… from all the emotional angst … I felt her joy after her crossing. I loved my mom… I still do… I always will. We lost each other for so long… Lost my Uncle while we were all in this life too… so much emotional pain. Now they are both free. I celebrate their freedom. I celebrate Grandma’s freedom too! David is free of needles; he knows … not belief… but knows what waits on the other side… I feel his peace.

When David looked at me … he saw me. He loved me. Not some pseudo representation of me I was hiding behind… and I saw him. He was … and is so beautiful…

Yes both of us carried darkness within us… pain fear anger… David no longer does. He is free.

I think this is all for now…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
find me on facebook

Through the fire, and out the other side, from iron to steel.

I was out and about yesterday evening in the wonderful dark taking care of my dogs. It was a perfect night. Crisp clear skies with the beauty of the night shining through. Breathtaking view of the stars and moon. Calm, no wind, cool but not cold. Simply wonderful. To the north there was a cloud bank slipping up. That is a good thing since it keeps the night temperatures from dropping too significantly.

I love the night. Obviously. Another bright note. I wear a headlight on my cap so I can see into the dog houses to check feed levels... What else that wonderful little headlight does is attract fleas. I stopped at each pen twice, loving on my dogs, scratching their ears, patting their backs, filling their feed pans, cleaning out their waters; and playing with them. Now I realize it is a bit cooler out so fleas aren’t as active. However, I didn’t see a single flea. Not jumping up on my face and hat, or in their ears, underbellies, or armpits. Rah Rah Rah happy dance happy dance.

We just may have defeated the little monsters in this war. Yes it has been a war; complete with toxic materials and casualties. I have started adding bug off garlic from Springtime Inc to my happy hairballs feed, along with their vitamins, and DE. This should render them without insect pests. From what I’ve read about the DE it is an excellent natural de-wormer too. That is a good thing. I will wait a bit then collect some stool samples and have them tested.

(important side note: if you decide to use DE do your research and use the right kind or you will seriously make your animals ill)

The Garlic will make them taste nasty to fleas, flies, ticks, mosquitoes. Along with the Cedar cide we will have a clean pest free kennel. Yay! Yes of course I will still have to clean up feces and such. Get a grip; nothing does that for you, but you. Pooper Scoopers of the world unite…lol.

I’ve put the DE in my farm cat’s food too. They are already looking better. I will be including the garlic and vitamins as well. I want my mobile mousetraps to be parasite free and healthy.

The fowl –as in chickens’ ducks etc will be getting DE as well. I really do not like using toxic wormers and dusters on my critters. Since this works it is a healthy alternative.

They already dust themselves in the ashes from the burn pile. So far I haven’t seen any mites on them or their houses. I detest those nasty little bugs. When I was a kid our chicken house was full of mites I remember seeing them moving like a wave on the chicken roosts. Of course it was my job to go in there and gather the eggs.

I was a little kid so it didn’t occur to me what was happening to the poor birds that slept in there.

Something else happened as I was out working last night. Yes this is more emotional gore. From rage to realization. My own 9-11 moment shall we say.

The twin towers in my life (figuratively) had already come crashing down, along with my belief system regarding my immediate family, childhood, and life in general. Excluding my husband.

He would be one of the heroic firefighters in this scenario. He has hung in there through my total flame out and melt down. My all engulfing flaming rage over a total betrayal destroying my view of what was real and what was not from my life as a baby through now.

What was true? What was a lie? Was anything from my childhood true. Were the circumstances of my father leaving true. Was it true that he shut me in a car twice and tried to kill me as a baby, or was that a lie as well? Did my dad leave because he didn’t want us? Didn’t want me. Did I destroy their marriage? Supposedly things were good before she got pregnant with me and fell apart after I was born. Did I destroy their marriage? Or was it something altogether different.

You know they say children are cruel. Yes they are its true. But adults, or rather parents, are crueler to their own children than anyone else could ever be.

Did my mother’s lies rob me of my child hood relationship with my father? How much of my childhood was lies? Was anything real? Did she ever love me or was I just a weapon to get at my dad? A tool to bring in income so she didn’t have to finish her education and actually work.

Yes I know she had physical problems. I have the same nasty disease in my body. Mainly my legs.

I could, and have made all kinds of excuses for her. Bottom line she is who she is. What she believes is what she believes. I used to think I knew who she was and what she believed. Big surprise; I have no bloody idea.

After all the killing rage, gnashing of teeth (my teeth) stomping screaming, crying, self torture, abject agony, hell incarnate; I finally came to a realization. “PING IN THE HEAD”

Wow, light bulb flashed on in my mind. It was actually a ping in the head moment. What have I been doing? Nothing like years of self torture to absolutely no avail. So much bloody pain.

However there was a moment of epiphany. So I guess all this hell on earth has come to some positive result.

So what is my great revelation? Absolutely nothing has changed. Just like the mess on 9-11. Absolutely nothing had changed. Yes some people had died; a couple of buildings had come down to a grand mess. It stirred up some patriotic feelings, mass flag flying, stirred up some prejudice.

But all in all, everything was the same. Didn’t change the prejudice that was obviously already there. Didn’t change the hatred/and or greed that was behind the twin towers going down; or the other planes going down. All of that crap was still there.

It did change how security reacts in airports and such. I didn’t change the motives behind all the mess. That was all the same.

The only thing that really changed was our awareness of what was there all along. Now it’s up to us how we let it affect us. Because bottom line, there is absolutely nothing we can do to change the other people’s believes, code of ethics, or lack thereof.

Now we are aware. What is Simply is.

So where do we go from here. We as a nation can choose to live in fear and manipulation; or we can choose to breathe free and live our lives recognizing their manipulation for what it is. The Petty attempt to steal the joy of life from us; as a whole and as individuals.

A scripture just came to mind:
All things work together for good for those that love God. Romans 8:28

I never thought this mess would ever come to any good, but it has. I am free.

(side note: don’t get tied up in where the word comes from: God is called by many names in many cultures. None of us know his true name. Which frankly is more than likely a good thing)

Life is a journey, peace be with you and in you
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch
307.788.0202

Thanks For Your Friendship

We are going full on into the Holiday Season. Of course everything is in a rush, no matter what your religious beliefs are. So much of this season has turned into rush rush buy buy buy.

Here in the United States the next big holiday on the calendar is Thanksgiving. I had this full on gluttony rant bouncing around in my head, but I think I'll take another tack.

Thanksgiving, beautiful dinner, eat till you puke and eat again, ugh. Makes me think of the Roman empire not to long before it fell. OK I know I said I wasn't doing a gluttony rant, I didn't it was ... shall we say a brief comment.

Truly what is Thanksgiving actually about. When it first started; it was about being thankful for having enough food to eat through the winter. Because someone helped you. Someone who owed you nothing, reached out a hand and helped you. It was actually about their survival through the winter.

There is much I am thankful for. I am thankful for my health. I know we hear people say that all the time. If you have your health you have everything. Up until recently I had no idea what that actually meant. I found out what it means. No the meaning didn't just pop into my head.

I still wouldn't have any real idea what it meant if I hadn't lost my health.

Adhesions bowel blockage (frankly throwing up feces is just nasty-that and the unreal pain changes your perspective on things) surgery, more adhesions, West Nile Virus, (pain that would make me puke uncontrollably, muscle spasms, partial paralysis, blackouts,) cancer (on my face happily the doc got it all before it spread), depression, more surgery-a total clean up job in my abdominal and pelvic cavity. enlarged ovary (size of a large cantaloupe) split and was draining some sort of crud that was crystallizing, enlarged uterus, the other ovary was trying to catch up to the first one in that it was the size of a grapefruit. More cancer scare, the docs were concerned that the mess in me was cancer related. So they did the cancer talk several times before surgery trying to prepare me. From what I understand if you cut into a cancerous mass it tends to spread the cancer very rapidly. They were concerned at what they would find when they cut me open. (side note: the mess inside of me was benign-yay!)

At that point I already had one leg in a body bag, so it was just do the surgery before my body is a corpse and I can no longer be here. (Believe me there are worse things than death-some of you know what I mean. Those of you that don't know what I mean by that, be glad that you don't.)

After 6 hours of surgery, an incision from my navel to below my bikini line, the docs cleaned up everything inside of me that they could. Removing the malfunctioning parts, cleaning up the adhesions, cleaning out the crystallized gunk, detaching and reattaching my bladder, putting my intestines back inside after working on them... they sewed me up, sent me to recovery then the post op floor in the hospital and it was all over. NOT!

The surgeons did a good job, don't misunderstand me. Without their skilled work I would have been dead. No question about it; dead.

After surgery I had some kind of infection, more than likely from the crud that had been draining into me. Stink, ugh, a very strong course of antibiotics got rid of that nastiness. I smelled like a rotting corpse that had been out in the sun for about a week. That will make your eyes water.

When I came home from the hospital (yes to the ranch and kennel) I couldn't even pick up my coffee pot. I couldn't get out of bed. Forget rolling over in bed, that was nearly impossible. So forget the bed for a couple of months. I slept in a lift chair.

In order to remove the mass inside of me they had cut my abdominal muscles, the ones they hadn't cut they had used a spreader on and pulled and strained them beyond use. My abdominal girdle could no longer support my back, or anything else for that matter. I knew that abdominals supported everything, but I had no idea what not having any strength there would do. Oh my, hello back pain. The strain on my muscles that weren't compromised caused even more muscle spasms. (side note: if you are having back pain-strengthen your abdominal muscles, weak abdominals equals back strain and pain)

Before surgery I had been on pain killers and muscle relaxants. Even stacking the Vicodin , Skelaxin, and Codeine didn't block the pain and spasms before surgery.

While I was in the hospital it was morphine, on a pump. Got rid of the pump then went to pills.

I was up and walking in the hospital, of course I was using morphine too, lol. It is a must to get up and move. If you don't move you won't regain your strength and you won't be able to move. It's your choice. Pain or no pain, move, rebuild your muscle structure.

Your digestive system needs movement to work right as well. Yes I know, ha ha ha a movement. That's not what I'm talking about, well it is sort of. Get up and walk (unless you are wheelchair ridden-if you are in a wheelchair do as much exercise as you can), or your digestive system will not work right. Even with walking, after that surgery I bloated something awful. It was pretty scary I had steri strips over the incision as well as staples and I still thought is was going to rip open from the bloating. Wow, walking helps to get rid of the gas.

I wasn't prepared for the swelling either. Wow, I swelled up all over. From my face through my feet. Sometimes I woke up looking like a puffer fish, sometimes my body would swell up during the course of the day. I felt like a big balloon that was being overinflated. I couldn't get my shoes on if my feet swelled up, or oh my if I had them on when they did...ouch. So wore athletic sandals with Velcro straps.

Forget wearing regular clothes. Same thing happened, so I used over sized sweat pants with drawstrings. Yes drawstrings, I couldn't keep them on when the swelling went down with out cinching up the waist with the drawstrings. I did get some over sized elastic waist pants and use suspenders with them. Bras were a nightmare, I am not flat chested, and that was not a good scene. That's all I'm going to say about that.


I'm not swelling up so much now. I still have some swelling but nothing like it was. There were a lot of toxins in my body. I think the swelling has something to do with that. They even worked their way out through the skin on my face. A thick red, cracking, painful, crust developed in/on my face.

I went to the doctors, they didn't know. My dermatologist suggested burning it off with a laser. That idea did not appeal to me, maybe as a last resort. I heard an advertisement for proactiv I tried it, it worked. The stuff on my face wasn't acne. I think it was demodex taking advantage of my compromised immune system. Frankly I'm not sure what it was, I just know that I can keep it off my face with the proactiv. I do know that I never had anything like it before all this. proactiv was not the first thing I tried, but it is what worked. I've tried not using it and within a few days the crust starts coming back, usually just between my eyebrows. So I'm just going to continue with the proactiv.


The bloating is gone for the most part. Every once in a while it will flare up but not very often.


Within the last 6 months or so the fatigue has gotten remarkably better. I still crash, but not as much. It's not as extreme either. The crashes started before surgery, they were wicked during the West Nile, I would just black out. If I didn't black out I could barely walk, couldn't talk. Try to think and there was nothing there but static or a deafening silence where my thoughts should be. When I am at full speed I am a multitasking freak with a relatively high IQ.

Clients would call to ask about Pomeranians, or affiliate marketing and I couldn't speak. I remember trying to get my mouth around the words to speak and it coming out like a stroke victim or someone completely drunk. With huge gaps between words in my mind. A word then nothing then another word.


In contrast, usually I think much faster than I speak; and I naturally speak at a very rapid rate. By the way, if we are chatting, and I am speaking too fast, tell me to slow down. You will not insult me. If it sounds like I left something out, say so. I'll go back over it again at a slower rate. No I'm not being condescending, people have different rates of speech and comprehension. We all function a bit differently. Not to mention the wide variety of languages, slang, speech patterns, dialects and accents. So, just keep at it, keep adjusting until communication is successful. That pretty much sums up communication around the world...lol.

This has been a learning experience, especially the fatigue. So you learn, you take care of what is most pressing, you do as much as you can. Then you stop. That's it, you stop and let your body rest. When it has had it's required rest you can function again. If you don't rest it, take care of it, nourish it, it will fail, Crash-die.


Abuse it and lose it. Don't use it and you will lose it. Pay attention to what you body is telling you. Moderation. You know there is a reason you hear "moderation in all things in the scriptures" That you will find no matter what holy book you read.

It's been a long recovery, my surgery was September 9th, 2005. I was ill for years before that. The West Nile virus compounded things. I contracted it late spring/early summer 2003. There is a difference in my immune system since that nasty bug moved in.

I've dealt with the depression, I've dealt with the suicidal drive for years and years. On and off since I was a small child. Dealt with years of abuse, compulsive behavior, date rape, miscarriage, self destructive behavior, addictive behavior, co dependent behavior... and on and on. So tied up emotionally that I couldn't function. Over and over some abusive behavior, sometimes even an event, (holidays for instance) could/would trigger a Fugue state, spiral into a black depression, on into a suicidal/homicidal drive then work through to stabilize.

It was like walking through a mine field where you couldn't see where the mines were, maybe they weren't there then step on one and boom. Life is shattered, with shards of pain once again.

Some of you know what I'm talking about, some of you don't- if you don't be glad that you don't.

You know the saying? Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm not talking about your body, I am talking about you. I am at peace within myself for the first time in over 40 years.

I live a proactive life rather than a reactive one now. I am free. I am at peace with me. I actually like who I am. It's amazing what course life development takes. It's so different in each of us, yet the same.

Physically, my body is healing. I can feel the muscles in my back, my arms, legs, glutes, abdominals. The scar on my stomach is healing flat, not puckered and thick like they thought it would. I've listened to my body and managed to build strength without any ruptures or hernias. That was a concern.

I no longer take Vicodin, Codeine, Skelaxin, or Morphine.

Side note: be careful of Skelaxin. It is a very effective muscle relaxant. But, it has a rebound effect actually making the painful muscle spasms more frequent and intense. It also causes muscle degeneration and vision loss over time. Yes I experienced those side effects. Happily my vision has improved, and stabilized since I no longer take it. There has been an increase in my muscle development since stopping the skelaxin as well. It has taken 4 or 5 months to stabilize after stopping the drug.

I am still here. That means I still have something left to do in this life. When my time has come I will go home in peace.

When I started this blog post today I had no intention of writing this. I've never written it before. Perhaps it is just cathartic for me. Perhaps it will be a blessing to someone else. There must be some reason for it, since it poured out of my fingertips.


I wish you peace and wholeness. Happy Thanksgiving ...throughout your life. An attitude of gratitude.


Below is what I had originally planned to post... an email from a wonderful friend, Opal Louise.


Life is a journey... sometimes there twists in the road leading to new discoveries...
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs




What would you do if for every moment you were truly happy there would
be 10 moments of sadness?

What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt?

So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life,
you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life.

I look up to you, respect you, and truly cherish you.

Let old friends know you haven't forgotten them,
and tell new friends
you never will.
Remember, everyone needs a friend, someday you might feel like you have
NO FRIENDS at all, just remember this e-mail and take comfort in knowing somebody out there cares about you and always will.

In times of trouble,
In times of need,
If you are feeling SAD,
You can count on me.
I will give you a wink,
Until you smile,

give you a hug,

And stand by your side.

I'll be there for you till the end, I'll always and forever, be your friend!
It's true, sometimes we forget to tell our special people that we love them.