how to have a good day...

Truth in this... woke up this morning... and the typical panic started... took a breath ... got out of bed and started running the Pominators and Mastiffs outside for their morning potty break... all the while feeling the panic and emotional pain rising inside of me... I stopped and gave thanks for the day... savoring the feel of the sunshine on my face on a brisk autumn day... the panic and emotional pain subsided... I could feel it sinking away... such a blessing...

May you walk in peace...

Mary E. Robbins
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Another Day... it's raining...

I woke up to a wet rainy gray day… frankly matched my state of mind quite well… of course that can be taken in a number of ways… dark sad and wet… or the gift of drought quenching moisture prompting new growth… at this point there is ½ inch of water in the rain gauge.

I hear the quackers outside my office window … enjoying the wet… quacking and talking amongst themselves as they shovel in the puddles and eat new grass growth… and earthworms and other crawling creatures they come across… such a contented sound… probably not so contented for the creatures they are eating… but then that is the cycle of life is it not…

Another’s life in this realm came to an end yesterday evening. Mae Mae is free of her earthly body … she was suffering greatly and asking for help… and the only help I could give her was to ease her suffering in this life and help her across the veil. My friend is running free… this is never an easy thing for me to do… and weighs upon me greatly… for those of you that do not know… Mae Mae is…was a little orange Pomeranian…and my friend…

I would hope that when my time is come… that one would have the courage to help me across the veil as well… although the way our society views crossing the veil… yes I mean earthly death… odds are against it.

The house hairballs… Pominators and Mastiffs have been run out and back inside… as it is still raining and wet … my second cup of coffee is at it’s end… my breakfast toast is gone… and so is my time this morning…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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something shifted... perspective...

Good morning friends… bright sun rising this morning… no fog in my yards… yet there is a heavy blanket of fog to the southeast… covering the valley floor… looks as if a cloud grew weary and decided to take a nap… stretching out across farm and ranch… embracing cattle horses and all sundry critters alike…

Ahhhhh…. First cup of coffee for the day… strong and black… along with wheat cinnamon toast… and breakfast is done. That is enough for this morning … as dinner from last night is still with me. Mixed veggie salad, cornbread, and sloppy joe hamburger with chunks of onion, tomato, and green pepper. I actually had not intended to eat as much of it as I did… must have been hungry for protein.

I have little time to write this morning… as I have around 18 minutes or less until I need to be out the door… something has shifted… within me… the past few weeks have been exceptionally rough… emotionally, mentally, spiritually… I was back to losing it driving down the road… literally… as wave after wave of emotional pain smashed into me… around me… over me… ripping what self preservation I had left… to bits…

Between last night and this morning… something shifted… perspective perhaps… not really sure… I just know something has shifted… and rather than writhing in pain… I am calm. Not emotionless… not depressed… calm…no static… no frenzy… no panic… calm. How long will this last… I have no idea… but I certainly am appreciating it while it is here.

So I raise my coffee mug to the sun… greeting the new day… giving thanks for the moment… and step out into the day…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Well what do ya know...

Well what do ya know… it is September 12th and the earth is still turning on it’s axis… the sun is coming up in the east… beautiful sunrise too … mist is shrouding the valleys … life goes on … and I am still breathing… So lift the coffee mug and give thanks for the day…

I am so thankful we did not get that hail here like they did around the Denver metro… geez… sorry they got it there… and still thankful we did not get it here… we did however get ½ inch of rain yesterday… the kind that has a chance to soak in… wonderful for the pastures…

Yeah ok… the weeds in my yards are loving it too… grrrrr… but that is another story…

Took a much needed day of physical rest yesterday… and my body is better for it… so is my state of mind… I was actually able to sleep last night… not the whole night but a couple of good stretches of time. The night before back and leg pain just kept waking me up… and what sleep I did get was fitful.

One friend suggested that if I was tired for no reason I should get my thyroid checked… yeah I get that. It’s not my thyroid… I appreciate the suggestion… would be grand if a little pill would just fix it… but it won’t.

The reason I am tired is … and geez there is a list… ppphhhhtttt…. Physical pain in my hands, back, arms, legs, abdomen… emotional and mental stress… grief… seriously slammed into me again this month … the rollercoaster ride of ptsd… anxiety/panic attacks… depression…too much weight… difficulty breathing… and some days an “I’ve seriously had enough of this crap attitude”…

Is this a get pity feel sorry for me thing… seriously… no it is not… it is what it is…

I am going through a process … and have been for the past 8 months or so… that requires me to focus on everything that has gone wrong, has been injured, damaged, or is compromised with my body and mind. This is something that has to be done… and I am getting closer to the end of it. Good thing too… because this kind of focus is not healthy… it keeps one focused on illness and injury rather than focusing on health and functioning… Frankly whether it’s in mindset or driving down the road… wherever my focus is … tends to be where I go.

Will changing my focus repair my back or change the genetics that made my legs this way… perhaps not… but what it will do is have me asking what can I do to have optimum function… how can I keep walking… how can I be as healthy as possible in mind body and spirit… rather than what is broken… what is failing…

Per example… the lungs of a 94 year old woman… part of the reason my lungs are this way is scarring from repeated bouts of pneumonia… and part of the reason is the emotional stress of this past year… the focus of this process is part of said stress.

Too my knowledge there is one more appointment… then I am done with this part of it. No I do not know when said appointment is. Sooner would be better.

As for today… I may have the lungs of a 94 year old woman… but I am breathing yet another day… it is what it is… and I am still here…

The Pominators and Mastiffs are out in the yards… so sorry cockatiels… it’s inside only for you today… the quackers are playing in their wading pond… and turning their yards around it into a duck mud hole… as ducks will do… happy quackers… haven’t checked the girls (hens) yet to see what bounty they have given… eggs… just coffee, toast, raw honey, and vitamins this morning… on the breakfast menu…

Then it’s paperwork time… hmmmmm… is it still paperwork if it’s done on the computer… yeah… gotta pay some bills… I’ll do what I can… and the rest… well… hmmmmm… one day at a time…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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choose not to hate

I find myself sitting here on this cool misty morning thinking… and the truth be told I’m angry…. And so very very fed up with the fear mongers and the haters… the power seekers… the greedy beasts… the users and the liars and the cheats… did I leave any destructive worthless sacks out… if so consider this inclusive…

I am saddened as well by those that follow these greedy power hungry sacks … spreading hatred greed and prejudice across the face of the planet.

It is such a good thing that it is not up to me to judge… and carry out sentence… for there would be some surprised faces as their throats were ripped out as they were spreading hatred in the name of God… bastardizing His word in the name of their hateful quest which they call holy…

It is true… these creatures are my pet peeves… twisting Holy words to fit their agendas… blindly following the words of some self proclaimed man/woman of God… by whichever name God be called… none of which is God’s actual name …

Perhaps … my anger grows so hot along these lines because years back I got caught up in this hateful folly… listening to words from a trusted source… which I thought to be true… only later to find that they were false… perhaps this source thought they were true… but they were false none the less…

Perhaps… perhaps I am still here in this life to learn patience and tolerance for those who practice hatred and intolerance… perhaps so… perhaps I am still here to learn to judge not… perhaps…

When I hear or see remember 9/11… I remember… however I remember not only the suffering and devastation created on 9/11 but the suffering and devastation throughout the ages…

I thought of making a list… but the listing would be too great a volume as to reach to infinity and beyond… from massive conflicts… to individual attacks…

Some will read this and think I am jumping on one particular group… or faith… think again… there are those who are greedy… power hungry… filled with hatred… that twist the words of teachings to suit their own desires within every populace… as well as those that follow their lead… sometimes in innocence … believing their words to be true… sometimes not… and well aware of what they are actually doing…

So what is the purpose of this writing… other than me venting… perhaps to encourage one person to think… to reconsider… to choose to not hate…

Perhaps….

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Good Morning Peeps... and Scammers step off!

Good morning peeps… gotta love Garfield... hehehe...

it is a wonderful 67 degrees F this morning… it is forecast for a high of 81… what a relief that will be as it has been in the triple digits in my yards. The Pominators and Mastiffs are outside along with the cockatiels … enjoying the morning. As for me … monster sized coffee mug by my keyboard… breakfast cooked and eaten… 2 farm eggs… home fries… and a bit of bacon… all cooked in olive oil and smothered in apple cider vinegar… gee I am not a creature of habit am I… lol… have to be out and about today… so packed a lunch of celery sticks… and a couple of sandwiches… natural peanut butter on toast… hey… I like peanut butter on toast… lol…

Oh yeah… the pain and swelling finally went down in my legs… well for now anyway… but I’ll take what I can get…

Time is blasting by this morning… gotta run… figuratively speaking…hehehehe…

May you walk in peace…

And for the predators out there....

For the vast majority of my  Friends... this has nothing to do with you... for the rash of scammers that has shown up lately... seriously... get a grip... so not happening... just because I am a widow... it does not mean that I am a potential victim... and for those of you that are preying on others... a little gift for you... actually could be a wonderful gift to those that are bringing kindness into others lives as well...

As you to bring to others In either thought or deed
May you be so blessed In the life you lead
Ten times ten plus one
Whether this is Blessing Or Cursing be Is completely up to thee!

Mary E. Robbins
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What am I supposed to do with that... and one year anniv of mom's death...

Morning Peeps... heading out to freshen waters before it heats up... still trying to deal with that 94 year old lungs comment from the doctor... huh... just what am I supposed to do with that... really... Today is the one year anniversary of my Mom's passing... happy trails mom... miss you... had breakfast... gotta get out the door... hairballs need water...

A Rose to Remember By... Mom Loved Roses... 

One of my favorite pics of mom...

Mom in her 80's at my house... miss my mom...

Yes it is...

Mom used to say this to me...

Where she's gone...

Mom loved roses... David and I used to give her boquets of them... the bicolor ones she really loved...



Mary E. Robbins
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Yesterday's quests are done...

Good morning peeps… very glad to be home… and just as glad that yesterday’s quests are done. One of the things on this exam was a breathing test… before using albutrol with a nebulizer and then after… then they compared the differences and determined the “age” of your lungs. According to their test results… yes the results were there immediately… or close to immediately… anyway according to their test results any positive effects of albutrol on my lung function are negligible… and it would seem that I have the lungs of a 94 year old woman.

Ok…. Well I am not sure how this happened… but it stands to reason that if I have her lungs she must have mine… wouldn’t ya think… I do not mind her borrowing them… but I would like them returned in good condition… now to find a lung swap station… so we can get this done… as I would like my lungs back now… while we are at it… I would appreciate my eyes back as well… as I remember them working quite differently than they do now…

Aw well… best to find some humor in it rather than letting it upset me… although I will admit hearing them say that I have the lungs of a 94 year old woman did rattle me a bit. Frankly I could have done without their breathing test as my lungs still hurt… grrrrr… but it is done now…

Tests or no tests… I have decided something… and have chosen to make an official proclamation… such as it is… I am going to live as long as I live… and not a moment less… nor a moment more…

As to what made my lungs this way… oh … I don’t know for sure… life… pollution… repeated bouts of pneumonia and bronchitis… aspirating stomach acid… burned lungs from chemical fumes… damage from smoke inhalation… allergies… pick one or all… as they have all been in the mix… there is some scarring in there… like that’s news… not…

I may have the lungs of a 94 year old woman… but they are still working… as my oxygen levels were at 98 percent yesterday… for those of you that do not know… I have been living in this body for around 53.5 years… give or take a bit…

Lift your mug (coffee mug… a huge black coffee mug in my case) Lift your mug and say three cheers… here’s to breathing yet another day…

Speaking of breathing yet another day… one that is not… yes not breathing… dropped in to visit… or rather let me know he was here this morning… this woman is loopy… or how… you say… my battery powered toothbrush was turned on and running …sitting on it’s shelf in the cupboard… I heard this buzzing and found it there when I came in from putting the last of the house Pominators outside… I picked it up… by the way… no I had not turned it on and left it…

I picked it up… and tried to turn it off… it would not turn off… the on off switch moved just fine… then a thought of David came flitting through my mind and the toothbrush turned off… so you know I just had to try to turn it back on again… thinking that it had possibly shorted out and the batteries just died… nope… batteries are fine… and the toothbrush turns on and works just fine… turns off just fine as well…

It had been a few months since any electrical items had turned back on or off by themselves… guess that is not quite right… they are not turning off and on by themselves… but I was not turning them on and off… neither ws anyone else breathing in this realm…
Good to know they are around… or perhaps a different wording… good to have indicators that I can see and hear in this realm that they are around…

Tomorrow it will be one year since mom crossed over. No more wheelchair… no more pain… she is free of it. I sure miss her… but I would not wish her back in that pain racked body. She is free… her friend followed not too long behind. They were sisters… not blood related… but sisters just the same… now both are free…

So much of my family has moved on across the veil… I know they are ok… and without all the angst and physical pain of this realm…

I miss them… but it seems my journey in this realm is not yet done… so salute the sun… treasure the moon… dance under the stars… breathe the sweet air of the early morn… cherish the moment… and breathe yet another day…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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The Day After... Naughty Miss Molly

Good morning peeps… the house critters are all outside for a bit… Pete and Blue (cockatiels) love the morning sunshine… I just had breakfast… bit of bacon, couple eggs, and some home fries… and yes I did drown the whole lot in apple cider vinegar…

David used to cringe every time I did that... hehehe… now I am having my coffee … before this busy busy day gets started… well actually it has already started… but I ‘m still taking a moment … missing my hubs this morning... I don't know how he did it... but whenever one of our little furballs got out he could find them... no matter what it was I lost... he could find it... strange how a good memory can still make a person cry...

Gotta change my focus or I will spend the day mourning in tears...

Ok... so what are we thankful for today... one thing... even if you don't feel it... one thing you could be thankful for...

I am thankful that I was able to see that beautiful blue sky with bright white clouds scattered across parts of it... beautiful sunrise...

I was out and about and on my feet too much yesterday… legs are burning today… ah well… guess it will be a fiery day… so to speak. May you walk in peace… 

Yesterday's afternoon adventure....

started around noon:

 
Worried... Molly got out of the yard and I can not find her. She is a very small cream pom... that thinks she is the size of a wolf... when in reality she is about the size of a prairie dog...or smaller... I've taken the jeep around the pasture... driven up and down the roads... called neighbors... drove to neighbor after neighbor... she was frightened out of her senses when she got out of the yard... so I am thinking she just ran blindly or is in some small dark place hiding... she is small enough that she is eagle, hawk, coyote, fox, cougar, bobcat... food... not to mention she will attack any snake she comes across... and yes there are rattlesnakes in those fields... miles and miles and miles of open ranges and crops...

looked for her all afternoon... for miles around... took the jeep through pastures...gravel roads... and so on...

later in the day: around 6 p.m.

 
I walked around the yards calling her... no response... checked the cats' hidey holes... no Molly.... Little Miss Molly no where to be found... then I got in the jeep and went west this time... saw something on the side of the road... it was the young coyote carcass... bawled my face off again... drove farther east looking... listening for farm/ranch dogs barking... all quiet... saw the mare and her foal... stopped at the Huntlely Post office... my box was empty there... forgot I'd picked it up on Saturday...

drove around the houses in huntley... saw a couple of goats... No Molly... started home looking... praying... I stopped at the top of the drive... and honked... honked again and again...

when I come home for the day... I stop at the top of the drive and honk... the house Pominators all line up at the front gate and wiggle... and wag and bark... I honk the jeep's horn intermittently all the way down the drive until I park in front of the gate... the whole kennel barks welcome... wiggles and wags...

I thought maybe... just maybe... it's about the same time I come home when I've been in town... just maybe Molly will be heading for the gate...

I saw this little cream critter heading for the gate... I don't know where she'd been but she was panting and out of breath... my Naughty Miss Molly is Home... I couldn't be angry with her... I snatched her little panting self up and hugged and hugged her all the while her tail was wagging...

I am thinking Little Naughty Miss Molly is glad to be home as well...

Thank you for your prayers...

This is my Naughty Miss Molly... so very glad she is  home and was not eaten by some predator while she was out and about...

description of yesterday's adventures transferred over from my facebook page...

Gotta go...the day is calling...

May you walk in peace..

Mary E. Robbins
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peace ... quiet ... calm ...

I rested a bit last night and it was good. This morning as I was running the Pominators outside… carrying out the cockatiels to enjoy the day… feeding the labs, chickens, and ducks… and of course gathering the gifts of cackleberries this one line kept getting louder… at first I could barely hear it in my mind… I walked up the hill to give Puss-Kat (long haired calico cat) her egg… yes she loves raw eggs…and to feed the rest of the ranch cats… stopped and looked out over the valley to Table Mountain… and the rest of the ridges to the southeast…

A beautiful patchwork of greens… yellows… and golds with the lake shimmering in the midst of it… I heard the rumble of steel on steel as a coal train pulled through the valley… I stood there gave thanks for the day and breathed in the cool clean morning air… As I stood there… my mind grew quieter… and this … thought… for lack of a better word… grew louder… not banging screaming loud… just a calming whisper… over and over as in a loop…

My peace I give unto you… My peace I give unto you… My peace I give unto you… be still and listen…

A quiet silvery thought running through my mind Ad infinitum…. To infinity and beyond…

This world… this realm… is such an amazingly beautiful place… we as a species bring such chaos … cruelty… and destruction to it…

Then you see… or hear about… those rare creatures… yes humans… that walk through chaos… walk through the wars that surround them… in peace…

It’s not about being a doormat or a perpetual victim… it is about allowing peace… accepting peace… choosing peace … within you… even though you may be surrounded by perpetual chaos… hatred… fear… war….

Sounds like such a simple thing… like forgiveness… or not judging… or loving… simple concepts… all a part of peace…

Suppose that is what is meant when it is said to live simply… be still and know…

Simple and easy are not the same thing….

And that is the end of my ramble for this morning… raising my coffee mug in thanks… and heading back outside to finish this morning’s ranch rounds.

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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