May you walk in peace… live fearless… fly free…

Good Morning Peeps… (actually it’s afternoon here now…but I’m posting it anyway…)

Beautiful sunrise… the hairballs have been run out and are back inside… mastiffs too… supposed to have a bit of snow and cold later… as for now it is still 30 degrees… wouldn’t break my heart if they were wrong and it warmed up to the 50’s… hehehehe… but we do have a “special weather statement” supposed to start snowing around 1 p.m. then turn to rain around 3 p.m. then back to snow… hmmmmm… can we say ice…

Be careful if you are driving out and about… glad I’ve got a wood stove… some coffee beans … a tea kettle… and a French press … if the power goes out… oh and yes I do have some water in the kettle… lol…

Have not worked out yet… but am going to… am seriously enjoying a day home… writing listening to some good tunes… may rome on out to the Quonset later for a bit and clear some more out of that mess… gonna be so great to have that put together… maybe have a party later in the season to celebrate… now there is a thought… hmmmmm….

Had breakfast … home grown chicken egg… yay… sautéed spaghetti squash… and a bit of beef steak… yes this woman is definitely a carnivore… ok… omnivore… love veggies and fruit too… hehehe… oh and lets not forget coffee…. Cccooooffffeeeee… the darker the better… the aroma the flavor… yeah ok… I think you got the idea… I love dark rich bitter coffee… espresso anyone… hehehehe….

Oh and not this is not the kind of coffee David loved… he loved the light brown mellow flavors…

Man oh man… I am loving this woman’s music… Beverly McClellan… feeling the tunes and rhythms… mmmmmm… enjoying… dark coffee … and good music … a bit of heaven … in my living room… just close your eyes and let the sounds wash over you… feel the base swirl down through your soul… yeah I am smiling now…


Ok … I got sidetracked and did not finish writing… took care of some paperwork that needed to be done… and came to a decision regarding the ink work on my left arm… yes it is time for more ink… my birthday and David’s birthday are rapidly coming up. It is time to do the memorial work on my arm… of course right after I decided what I was going to have done and called the artist… my stomach flipped over and did a little ick dance…

No it’s not about the needles… it’s about another step in the healing process… I am having a pocket watch inked on my arm along with roses… his birth date and death date… with the pocket watch’s hands at the time of the 911 call… yes I called and got the exact time…. His initials or name… a life well lived… Don’t cry because it’s over …Smile because it happened

This is my memorial to David celebrating his life in this realm… and wishing him well in his journey on the other side. Frankly I never thought I would get to this point… yes I still miss him… and he will always be a part of me… and I him… but I accept that it was his time to cross over… whether I like it or not… and it is not my time to make that transition yet… so it is my responsibility to live… and part of living is wishing him well and celebrating life.

Ok… that feels a bit like walking out on a single strand rope bridge over the grand canyon… Yes I am doing it anyway… I am letting go… whoa… yes I really said that… I know David wanted me to live… to savor life… I know this for certain because he said so… I would want the same for him… and I do want the same for him… even though his journey takes him on beyond where I can reach at this point… fly free dear one… fly free…

As for those that have an issue with my choices… that “issue” would be yours not mine… deal with it… or don’t … it’s up to you…

May you walk in peace… live fearless… fly free…

Mary E. Robbins
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Musings...

Coughing again this morning. Not quite as bad as yesterday… drank some apple cider vinegar and hot water… that seemed to help clear the mucus out of my throat… had my honey as well… took some generic musinex sinus and 2 aspirin.

Not much for breakfast… part of an English muffin toasted with butter and a bit of grape jelly… probably 2/3 of it… gave the rest to Sara and Diesel.

Thought the washer quit working… turned out to be the plug in electrical tail I was using… thank God for that… at any rate it is working now.

Ran into the widow of a good friend yesterday. She is the wife of the gentleman that used to be our UPS driver that came out to the ranch. Over the years we had become good friends. His body died of pancreatic cancer shortly after he retired. They found out he had it… and 6 weeks later he was gone. He crossed over 2 years ago… I can still see his smiling face when he came with packages and visited a bit… looking at the pom puppies.

It was obvious from visiting with her yesterday that they were best friends and truly loved each other. It is such a gift to have friendship and love like that in this life… on the flip side it is so… what word covers it… there really are none. When they move on ahead and we are still in this life. I miss David so much… feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest…

Ok… just breathe… one breath then another… calm… Here comes another day.

It’s so strange how these bodies react to this kind of stress….not just in humans either. I remember when Miss Priss died. … she was a female cockatiel. She and Pete had been together for years. He went into screaming crying mourning for weeks… he was so devastated that I thought he was going to die….we accepted another cockatiel from my mom that was being picked on and brought him home and put him in the cage with Pete… hoping that having some other bird company would help him. They grumped and fussed at each other… and eventually got along. Now they are 2 grumpy old men hanging out watching TV.

Yes, Pete and Blue hang on the side of their cage and watch TV. Both of them are mourning David… he loved those birds….and always visited with them when he took their sleeping cover off. Pete and Blue, have been together now for …. Geez the time has all run together… well nearly 10 years… Pete has been with us nearly 20. Pete and Priss loved each other… and were together before they came to be with us as well…. Guess I’ll go turn on the morning show for them that they and David used to watch… HLN or CNN… he would flip back and forth, watching them both. He enjoyed Robin Meade and Natasha Curry.

He was so happy that he no longer had to always be on alert for a call from the railroad. He was out there between 36 and 37 years. He was really good at his work… I know this because I worked with him years back. The man knew his stuff.

He loved trains; he and Jerry would go and see the steam engines when they came through. He knew so much about the various engines. I liked to watch the train programs on TV with him and hear him tell about the engines. I had gotten him a couple of Train trip DVDs for Christmas this year… and of course gave them to him early… I always seemed to do that… give him whatever I’d gotten for him as soon as it came in …. Rather than keeping things for holidays and such. Anyway, one DVD was across the United States, and the other was across Canada. It was fun watching them with him.

We talked about how it would be a fun trip… and how when we were feeling better maybe we could go on one of them. Guess he took a different trip.

Another friend’s husband died this week. Another partnership ended early… seems like whenever one goes before the other the partnership is ended early for this life no matter what the actual age is. My thoughts and prayers go out to her.

This life is certainly an ever changing landscape from birth… through childhood… teen years… young adult… middle age… seniors and exit… of course one never knows when that exit is going to slip in there. For my child it was before birth. Just had a few precious moments with his wonderful soul… yes I could feel his presence. No I am not sure the body would be male… doesn’t matter… I look forward to reuniting on the other side… I wonder … has my mom gotten to meet her grandchild now… I hope so. She was so excited… had just bought a baby book … we had just seen his heart beat and listened to it… then our time with him was over and in a rush of hemorrhage he was gone from this life… mom would have been a wonderful grandma to him. She did great with my youngest step son… the older ones didn’t want anything to do with either of us. Broke my heart … broke mom’s heart… and broke David’s heart.

I guess I just do not understand why people are … hmmmmm… how to say this… if someone you love is happy… why not celebrate their happiness. I’ve never understood that. Whether it’s friend or family… whomever the loved one is… celebrate their joy… it takes nothing away from you… in actuality it increases the joy and love in your own life…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Beachbody Health and Fitness Coach
Robbins Run Ranch

Turning Point...

Wicked coughing session this morning. Survived it… yep…I need to work out more… everything works better in this body when it is active.

Thank you for your prayers… love … and thoughts…


Today was a turning point for me. The past few days have been rather horrid… well more than the past few days… truth be told… missing my husband and feeling totally valueless… useless… Well I am NOT useless…

Filled with fear to the point of total overwhelm stripping away self worth and ability. Yes I know I’ve been doing this to myself… I did not want to go on without David. And frankly I felt like a husk of a person without him. I Love him as much as ever… this does not mean that I love him any less… or that I do not miss him… because I do.

However his time to function physically in this life is done… mine is not. So there is a choice to be made… merely exist... degrading into a morass of unending pain and misery… or choose to celebrate David’s life… and continue to live mine. Actually live it... not endure it or hate it... but live it... celebrate the moments... celebrate the gift of love we gave each other and continue to do so...

breathe deep... and savor the air...

I have been hearing a litany of I can’t I can’t I can’t echoing and rebounding through my head … heart… very soul… over and over again.

Deep breath!

I CAN!

Sitting here and staring at the walls in a crushed self destructive mode benefits no one… and frankly it is the very last thing David would have wanted for me. I know he is with me… cheering me on.

I got one dose of I can this morning… the faucet shut off on the side of the house exploded this morning flooding the lower yard with water. I dealt with it… I found the shut off before it completely flooded the yards and managed to get it shut off… and yes I will either replace the shut off that exploded myself… or have help doing it… either way I will get it done.

I am valuable… I am worth something… and I do have much to offer…

Celebrate this gift called life… savor the moment… even if it’s a massive spray of water shooting out of the wall… I took a hold of that spigot and it snapped off in my hand…. Glad I was here when this thing blew… but If I hadn’t been I would have dealt with it anyway.

Done with I Can’t….

I Can…

Celebrate Life
May you walk in peace…


Mary E. Robbins
Life is a Journey... sometimes there are twists in the road...
307.788.0202
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Robbins Run Ranch

Rough day the day before yesterday… horrid coughing until gagging and choking… lungs hurt all day…good visit with grief counselor from hospice. Crashed again later in the evening. Raunchy night until I curled up with Diesel and went to sleep, slept with Sara and Diesel last night at well. Sara( bull mastiff) got hot and went out to the couch… Diesel (cane corso) curled up and stayed with me…. Sara does love that couch…

Yesterday was a bit more stable. Still waves of grief… but with moments of joy at good memories and being thankful for the time we had physically together. At this point howling waves of grief seems to be the new norm. Good thing I live a distance from my nearest neighbor… if I was in an apartment complex the police would be beating on the door because some neighbor thought someone was getting killed. As it is the kennel joins in … in the howl… They miss him too…

Ok it’s real… I still do not want it to be… but it is. My Poot (nickname for hubs) has crossed over and I am still here… looks like I have something left to do. For one thing these animals need their guardian caretaker.

I’ve been angry … angry at … well angry at the pointlessness of all the work we did trying to prolong David’s life and to make his body healthier… royally pissed at myself for not just saying whatever and letting him have his chewing tobacco and apple fritters. I’ve had a huge “what’s the point” going on.

Then for some reason I was drawn to read … or at least look at the ages on the obituary pages. The ages are all over the place… from the very young… as in not yet born crossing over from the womb… to the very aged…. Interspersed all over in between.

My Uncle Clarence and I used to have this conversation. Years ago before dementia took his mind and memories… he has since crossed over. I remember the last time I saw him alive. He was looking at me un-sure of who I was… with that look I should know you… but who are you… are you friend or enemy. May he have peace on the other side… leaving behind all that was torturous.

Back to topic. Uncle Clarence was in World War II. We talked about it a number of times, and he until the day he passed did his best to stay away from explosives, and fireworks because they triggered him back into the battlegrounds. We talked about the people that lived through the fighting… and those that died. Some walked right out into it and were never wounded… then there were those that fought and tried to keep cover, that were slaughtered no matter how cautious they were. We talked about this and mulled it over at length multiple times… both of us came to the conclusion, at the time, that we must have an exit date... set even before we enter this life…. So to speak.

It would seem that we have a certain number of days… moments… time fragments in this life… then we are done. Frankly I do not believe we can add a moment to the length of our lives. I do however believe we can affect the quality of our lives while we are in this life.

Is this line of thought accurate… I don’t know… I won’t know until I cross over myself… even then I may not know. Frankly it’s the only way I can make any sense of life and death in this realm. As to the why of it, I don’t know that either. As I do not have access to that material… it seems it is classified beyond my clearance level.

I will say this though; David’s stats were better than they had been in years. (A1c, cholesterol numbers etc.) His color was good, his energy levels were picking up, joint pain receding. His body was becoming healthier. He was happy and at peace with life. Then …. Like a switch was flipped… gone. That body shut down … just like a breaker was thrown. He was (still is) a good man and he died a good death.

I am still here. Like so many other wives/husbands/soul-mates who’s partners go on ahead. It seems I still have some life to live. Irrevocably altered from what was… a new adventure… unsought… but there just the same…

I screamed … I yelled.. I hollered… bartered… raged… and yet I could not undo what had been done. It is as it is…. David has crossed over and I am still here… and do not have the release to cross over. Although as erratic as my heart has been and the pain in my lungs makes me wonder how long. One moment at a time… until it’s not.

Today I choose to greet the day… I am thinking I am going to put a pot of coffee on. David loved brewed coffee… he also loved having me make it for him…

David is in my heart… and with me always… and I wait the time until I too can rest… as this guardian is weary…and much in this body is broken and worn… not time yet… more to do… one moment at a time… live your life… now….

Appreciate the moments...

May you walk in peace
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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