anxiety rollercoaster...

Wow… anxiety just went into hyperdrive… I so hate this… such a simple thing … and I have really triggered… yes I grabbed the rescue remedy… hate that feeling like ya are going to hurl all over the place… feel like I am in freefall… ok… breathe… calm… breathe … calm…

Cooking dinner for some friends tomorrow evening… now it looks like there may be one more coming… there is plenty of food… it’s not that… it’s just another person in my house… I have met this person before… and she was actually supposed to be here last week… and did not make it… I just triggered… argh… ok… I am not cancelling… I am going to do this… I don’t care how bad this rollercoaster ride gets… I am doing this… if I step back now… I will be putting a bar back up on a prison window… one I have been working on ripping out of there…

I have been outside most of the day… came in to cook and eat lunch… fixed lambsquarters a bit of chuck… cantaloupe … and some tomato… I loaned my internet to a friend for work this morning… so I have not been online most of the day… I did ranch rounds… planted the flower pots in my front yard… and was pulling the field grass and bind weed out of my irises… I am going to head back out there and try to work some of this off…

Need to pull the meat out of the freezer for tomorrow’s dinner… I miss David so much… my Kaizen drum got here late yesterday afternoon… I played it for a while last night and a bit today… I know he would have loved it… I hope he can hear it…

June is the month David had been taking vacation before he retired… it is also the month my Pops came to visit for several weeks… they are probably hanging out together on the other side… I am trying to make it here… but this afternoon I have sure slammed into a wall of pain … anxiety… panic… and grief…

Wow… ya think you are doing ok… then it’s like walking on a road with switchbacks… you think you have gone quite a ways… then you find you are right back there in the thick of it… gotta love triggers and emotional flashbacks… anyone for skipping through a mine field today… whoo ha…

Wowzers… cycled through that pretty fast… I am hitting the wtf was that all about point now… ppphhhhtttt!!!!!!... and pisssed… gggrrrrrrr…. Yes I am growling… yanking that grass out should give some satisfaction… actually wouldn’t mind beating the stuffing out of the boxing bag… friggen sinuses are totally stuffed now… seriously…

I am going to play with my drum a bit more before doing a video… the first video will be short and freestylin… sometime after that dinner… just going to use the lap top to do it… so nothing fancy… hope the sound picks up… because the tones are wonderful… I am loving this drum… I may write some tunes later… but for now it’s just feelin it…

Still kinda shaky but leveling off… hey who needs a carnival for a rollercoaster ride… saw a deer walking along the railroad tracks yesterday as I was driving the jeep down the gravel road by my place… was beautiful… no I did not have my camera…

Aaccckkk… my nose is totally stuffed up… gonna heat up some water for something hot to drink… yes probably coffee… yeah ok… it’s coffee… 6 big pots in the front yard… 1 scented geranium, 1 pot purple verbena, 1 pot red geranium, 1 pot coleus, 1 pot red geranium, 1 pot dusty miller… put some Johnny jump ups around the geraniums… these big pots are sitting beside the kitty kennel.. so the kitties were reaching out and playing with my hair as I worked… Larry was sitting on top of their house just having a grand time batting the hair on top of my head around… and so was Curly…

My garden is a massive weed bed… eventually I’ll get to it… ah well… anybody want to have a week yankin party… yank that weed… now shake it all about… grab another … stand up and shout…

Yeah ok… I am past it… friggen anxiety attack… guess this is what I mean by writing my way though it…and yes I did stop and play with my drum a bit…

Timer is going off… gonna pour some coffee… this time it is weak coffee… re-used my grind from this morning’s coffee in the French press… nose is opening back up… went and used some of that lung cleanse stuff… seems to help… so it is pour some coffee… have some hot… and go get the meat out of the freezer to thaw… and pull some more grass… then take a break …

Later taters… may peace fill you…

Mary E. Robbins
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Yes you can... now just breathe...

Good Morning Peeps... Pominators ran out and back in... breakfast done... had bacon, sautéed yellow squash, and an egg with apple cider vinegar

Gonna have my first cup of coffee... and head to a soak in an Epsom salts bath... ok... yeah.. Just ouch... I am stiff and sore… but working in that Quonset was a major workout… and… we got so much of that cleared out… frankly I am amazed… of course there just had to be an episode… of panic attacks are us… geez… followed up by an overload of anxiety… seriously could have done without that… kinda knocked me sideways for most of the day… went and took some more rescue remedy and some coQ10… because my heart was racing… and headed back out to the Quonset…

Tough time trying to stay on task… kept losing focus… fortunately there was someone here to keep things rolling and on task… I can follow direction ok… well … pretty well when I’ve triggered… or rather in the aftermath of it… but trying to organize and stay on task without direction… is pretty … well… not much would have gotten done… as I tend to walk in a circle and stare at it…

Well I got through it… with help from a friend… a good friend to not freak out when this stuff happens… those of you that deal with this stuff … know what I mean.

At any rate … we got quite a bit done… I am physically sore… emotionally and mentally exhausted… but calm and stronger… and glad to be this far along with it… oh… and yes there is more to do… and yes I am going to keep moving forward with it… and probably have more panic attacks and emotional overloads… and still move on… healing as I go… facing this stuff… sorting through it… purging what is garbage… passing on what others can use … is cathartic…

Oh… that Quonset… is a 30 by 70 ft building that was full from the back to the front doors…

Taking it one step… one moment at a time…

Yes you can… now just breathe…

Mary E. Robbins
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The Day after a crash and burn...

Good morning peeps… after all that fuss with tornado watches and storm warnings… the only thing that happened here was some wind… a few drops of rain… and an overcast sky. I will say this though… I was relieved when I looked up last night while running the Pominators and Mastiffs out to potty before bed. What did I see up there… beautiful twinkling stars… yay!

The cockatiels are outside enjoying the sunshine and breeze… so are the Pominators and Mastiffs… I am on my second load of dog laundry… gonna fix a bite to eat and have a cup or pot of coffee… and then it’s hem compression pants, do dishes, load some more laundry… human this time…and pull dog coats… then hopefully grab a bath then dig into a website I promised myself I would check out.

I started today off on a much more even keel than yesterday… yesterday… well yesterday knocked me head over heals… wham. I appreciate all the love and support more than I can express…

Today I am giving my self a list of goals to work on…
Wash dog laundry, wash human laundry, wash dishes, hem compression pants, pull dog coats, bath, website …

Was thinking of going to services… but didn’t … found a dead kitten in the front yard… poor little thing came into the yards when the dogs were out there… short life for that little fellow. It was an orange tiger stripe kitty.

Legs are swelled burning, and aching today… but I can still walk on them… so that is something. I’ve not had them elevated enough… ugh…

Ok… gonna go grab a bite to eat and see if I can get the sewing machine to work.

Stomach is growling at me... saying coffee... feed me... coffee... feed me...

Mary E. Robbins
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