Another Day... it's raining...

I woke up to a wet rainy gray day… frankly matched my state of mind quite well… of course that can be taken in a number of ways… dark sad and wet… or the gift of drought quenching moisture prompting new growth… at this point there is ½ inch of water in the rain gauge.

I hear the quackers outside my office window … enjoying the wet… quacking and talking amongst themselves as they shovel in the puddles and eat new grass growth… and earthworms and other crawling creatures they come across… such a contented sound… probably not so contented for the creatures they are eating… but then that is the cycle of life is it not…

Another’s life in this realm came to an end yesterday evening. Mae Mae is free of her earthly body … she was suffering greatly and asking for help… and the only help I could give her was to ease her suffering in this life and help her across the veil. My friend is running free… this is never an easy thing for me to do… and weighs upon me greatly… for those of you that do not know… Mae Mae is…was a little orange Pomeranian…and my friend…

I would hope that when my time is come… that one would have the courage to help me across the veil as well… although the way our society views crossing the veil… yes I mean earthly death… odds are against it.

The house hairballs… Pominators and Mastiffs have been run out and back inside… as it is still raining and wet … my second cup of coffee is at it’s end… my breakfast toast is gone… and so is my time this morning…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Good morning ... I think...

Good morning peeps... not pulling Pom coats this morning... have other commitments for the day. May get some this evening... but truth be told my arms and back need a recovery day.

Farm fresh eggs, brown rice surprise with apple cider vinegar and brewed coffee with cinnamon for breakfast today...

Gonna go take a short soak in an epsom salts bath and get on with the day...

inside of my throat swelled up last night for some reason... probably dry air from the fan... friggen thing does that ... frankly I could do without it happening... kinda took the starch out of me today...

the last thing I feel like is moving about... being active... but that is exactly what I need to do... to feel better... life's little ironies...

Ok... this is me digging in... making the choice... I choose to have a good day no matter the circumstances.... grrrrrrr.... yeah ok... a good day with some growling included... 

Later taters...

Mary E. Robbins
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Yesterday evening after a full day of hair storm

Finishing my dinner... cantaloupe and cottage cheese ... with a bit of pecan pie and some coffee... no I didn't bake it... it's been in the freezer since before David checked out. Was his favorite pie... mine too for that matter.

Pete and Blue (cockatiels) are back in the house for the night. They are not making a sound... guess they are exhausted too...

The Pominators and Mastiffs are still outside... thinking I'm going to fill the Pominators feed and water dishes and bring them in... kind of early this time of year... but I am really spent and do not want to fall asleep with them outside... as I may not wake up until that alarm goes off... well I guess I'm hoping I'll sleep until the alarm goes off... lol...

Washed and dried one load of towels today... from yesterday and today... drying dogs after their baths... have another smaller load in the dryer... load of dog bedding in the washer... guess I'm all about the dogs these days...

Got seven Poms coats pulled, nails trimmed, and bathed today... back and arms were trying to give out on the last two... I went to pick up my coffee cup and watched as it shook back and forth... worked that arm until it would not go any more...

Today was: Gertie, Wolfie, Sylvie II, Sandy, T.D. II, Peaches, and Sasha...

I dumped wading tubs, and water buckets and freshened them after I finished grooming... I can really see a difference in the attitudes of the dogs that have had their coats pulled and those that have not... the ones with their coats pulled are bouncing around the others are looking at me as if to say... is it my turn yet...

I kept thinking their coats would release so it would not be so painful for them... but I am sorry to say that a good bit of them still have not released their coats... major ouch for them.... but better than sweltering...

Back is screaming... heading to the zero grav chair... so thankful that we had that thing...

nite peeps...

Mary E. Robbins
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David ... Dragons... and Dog Hair...

Foggy out this morning… a fine layer of dew on the trees and grasses… I love the fog to breathe in… wonderful… not so fond of driving in it… lol….

David was in my dreams last night. I remember being on a train with him… coming back towards Morrill from Bill WY… it was winter… dark outside… and there was a heavy fog…not a light one like this morning… anyway we could barely see the signals as they materialized out of the freezing fog… straining to see each one to see how close we were to the trains ahead of us … when we got into the South Morrill Train Yard… the walk way … railings… and ladders on the engine were completely encased in wet ice… freezing and melting… and freezing again… as the train snaked it’s way across the hills and valleys like a long dragon breathing fiery smoke… steel on steel screaming in the night… as it’s wheels clawed for traction on the cold wet icy rails… eyes glowing into the fog filled darkness challenging the icy night…

 hehehehe... couldn't resist the dragon with the coffee cup... Ate breakfast... eggs and beans this morning... with a good dash of vinegar... savoring some coffee... working on convincing my body to get moving and get some more dog coats pulled... I seriously need to start on tai cheng... thinking it would dissipate much of this body's screaming pain... ah well heading for the hairballs...

 Ok... couldn't resist... one more dragon... and a bit of good advice...now I am out to make the hair fly... lol... later taters...

Mary E. Robbins
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Tai Cheng

I am up an awake. Last night I had a pretty decent night. Just calm… was a relief. Well was a relief until a nightmare then forget it. In the dream there was this beautiful orange long haired cat. It was lying on the laundry. I was washing and drying clothes. I put clothes in the washer… then the dryer… and someone was asking me where that cat was. I didn’t know… then I got this awful feeling and ran to the dryer and started pulling clothes out… that once beautiful cat was now broken and almost dead. I hadn’t meant to hurt it… I was just doing the laundry… I would never deliberately hurt anything or anyone like that… it’s leg was broken… it and it was really beat up… lying limp in my arms… then I woke up…

I don’t really know the significance of the dream… even if there actually is one… I just know that it affected me. It seems so many times we are just doing what needs to be done… or what we think needs to be done and inadvertently hurt those around us … either physically or emotionally … my mom and I hurt each other so many times over the years… neither one of us intending to… Mom is at peace on the other side now… I love her and always will…

Ok calming down now… guess that was what needed to be written…

May you walk in peace… one day at a time…

Mary E. Robbins
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good morning... I think

Good morning... I am up... and had some cereal and coffee for breakfast. Meeting with grief counselor yesterday... today it is meetings with case manager ... frankly I'd like to just crawl in a hole and sleep until it's time for me to cross over and join David... but then that would not get the animals here taken care of.

Looks like the 2 hollyhocks I planted last year made it through the winter... there are daffodils... or rather jonquils as David always called them are coming up... along with some tulips... maybe there will be some flowers...

Actually the way David said jonquils... was Johnny Quills ... just one of those cute little quirks... I miss him so much...

The birds are singing outside today...

Mary E. Robbins
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Mornings have become the hardest

Mornings have become the hardest... overwhelming sadness and grief... I talked to someone I thought was a friend... perhaps they were trying to be... I don't know... but I have been having nightmares ever since I spoke with her. Decisions have been next to impossible to make since David's death... it's like I am frozen in place... afraid doubting every choice... decision I have ever made...

I see my therapist and a case manager today... somehow I must make myself get in my jeep and drive to their offices... i am so afraid... I had dreams and goals before David died... I was actually functioning on a somewhat consistent level... all that changed in the split second it took for his time in this life to be over... I could not resuscitate his body... I tried and tried until the ambulances got here...  it seems when a person's time is up ... there is no getting them back into that body... why is he gone and i am still here... stuck in place... non functional ... doubting every choice... filled with pain and desolation...

I am still here and do not have the release to go... I have felt that release before when my body was dying from a bowel blockage... staying in this life without him is not my preferred choice... neither is leaving without having that release... so now what?????

I do not have the answer to that just yet... perhaps I don't have to have the answer to that... perhaps it is just moment by moment.  Maybe that is ok... it's going to have to be ok... because that is all I can do at this point... truthfully I think that is all I could ever do... just moment by moment... no matter how many plans and goals were made... it still boils down to moment by moment...

This moment I choose to appreciate the sunshine... even though it is 23 degrees F outside.

This moment I choose to go and get on my stationary bike and ride for a bit.

I am still here... breathing... yes I am still afraid... yes I am still grieving... yes there is a huge black cloud of depression surrounding me... and so much doubt...

But... I can still choose... it's ok if it's not a perfect choice... now to the bicycle...


Mary E. Robbins
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Just Breathe

Rough weekend. Frankly the roughest in a very long time. Wave after wave of pain… both emotional and physical… crisis level after crisis level. Panic attacks, anxiety… anger… unable to speak or read… confusion… wailing… stuck in place staring into space… it’s time to get help… probably way past time truth be told… It seems it is beyond me to stabilize this on my own…this time around.

I am exhausted… perhaps a little wiser… perhaps not… at any rate I am still here. 

With a bit more understanding of what my Uncle Gene went through. 

Searing pain in my left knee is what woke me up this morning.  Legs are not wanting to work well today. Genetic crap… I remember my mother trying to make her legs work… and grandma as well. 

As much as I wanted to have children… perhaps it is better that I was unable to. At least they will not have to deal with this genetic heritage.

It is amazing to me how life and/or our states in it can change so very rapidly. Years of work and focus… to actually be able to have relative peace in my mind… shattered … gone… in an instant…

Swirling chaos once again….with no safe place to hide…and rest… Years ago … over 30 years ago now… the library in Morrill Nebraska used to be my safe place.  Mrs. Cline was the librarian   with her bright red hair and kind soul.  She always kept an eye out for me because I was a little red haired girl… like her red haired kids. Light skin and red hair.  No matter how chaotic things got at home or around me… it was calm and safe there.  I realize now it was not the only the library… it was Mrs. Cline’s presence. I would go and look for my favorite books and actually fall asleep in the stacks. 

One moment at a time…

Mary E. Robbins
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Beautiful sunrise this morning

Beautiful sunrise this morning. Love it that it was between 35 and 40 degrees F in my front yard as the sun was rising. …and it is calm… no wind yet… note the yet.

Panic attacks still running rampant. The rescue remedy helps… doesn’t stop them… but helps me to manage better…thankful that I can use it… and extremely thankful for the wonderful friends that told me about it.

A friend is helping with the railroad paperwork. I still can not read it. Panic sets in rapidly and the words that I should be able to comprehend turn into garbled incomprehensible ink marks on paper. I am hoping we will have this stuff taken care of in a positive manner soon.

I kept going back and forth from being able to speak to not being able to form words yesterday… no it’s not low blood sugar… it seems to be tied into residual effect from west nile and triggered by the panic attacks. It doesn’t happen very often when I am not having panic attacks but it does happen at times. It never happened before the west nile.


Went to a doctor yesterday to discuss things. I tried going to the doctor… or rather I did go to the doctor without wearing compression pants…and I saw my mom’s struggles much more closely… I could not lift my left leg by itself to get into the car. I had to take a hold on my pants and pick it up. I remember watching my mom use her pants, or a rope… or a strap… to pick her legs up to get into a car for years. Carrie drove me to the doctor. By the time we got there my ankles had nearly doubled in size. I took the cane David made me with me or I would not have been able to make it into the doctor’s office.

I remember my grandma trying to walk. She always used a walking stick or crutches to get around. Her legs would swell so huge and she had running ulcers around her calves and shins… Mom’s legs swelled the same way… she wore job hose but walking became next to impossible… and in the 30 years of her life she was in a wheelchair.

I had hoped that I would not have this genetic mess as severely as they did… so far no ulcers… and I will continue to use the compression pants… and elevate my legs when I do not have them on. Nothing else to do other than take it one day at a time… and keep moving…. I will keep moving as long as I am able to do so.

I so wish I could sit down with my mom and grandma and have coffee and visit. Grandma grew beautiful flowers. Hollyhocks… when ever I see hollyhocks I see her. Mom used to have beautiful vegetable gardens. I never understood what it took for them to walk or to get things done… well I am starting to now. There is so much pain in those legs. It’s like a heated up piece of wire is being jabbed in and twisted through them… then you try to take a step and they just do not hold.

It is much worse without the compression pants…. Grandma never had anything like that to wear. I miss them so much. I look back now and realize how wrong I was about so many things… I am looking forward to seeing them again when I cross over. I know they loved me… still do… and I love them as well. But for now … It seems I am not yet finished here… so I give thanks for this day… and am learning to trust God to give me the love, strength, and guidance to walk through it…



Life is a journey... 
One moment one breath at a time…
Mary E. Robbins 
307.788.0202 
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Good Morning Peep! Memories and Emotions...

Good morning Peeps! No wind and 20 degrees F here this morning… according to the thermometer in my front yard. I am sooooooooo looking forward to being able to say … Good morning peeps… no wind and 60 degrees F in my front yard at the crack of dawn… lol…

So much for reading last night… I got my book… curled up in my chair … tv off and stated to read… I don’t think I made it 20 minutes before I was asleep… I woke up… I’m not sure if it was the Pominators or Sara that woke me. Put some more wood in the stove… covered the cockatiels and headed to bed with the intention of reading a bit in bed… that didn’t happen either. I was out before I got through my prayers. Woke up just before 3 with the light on the night stand still on … turned it off and tried for a bit more sleep… the dogs chased me out around 6 this morning… only because I said no earlier…

The mastiffs have been run out and back in… same for the Pominators… having a mug of tea and honey… and I think I’ll have another go at reading a bit before starting on with the day. This is not a boring book… It’s one I want to read.

High emotional states seem to exhaust me pretty quickly. I had recorded the red carpet and the Oscars to watch and was watching yesterday… skipping over the commercials. I love looking at the dresses the designers come up with. Then on to the Oscars. Wowzers… were there triggers in there. When Adele sang Skyfall I sat there bawling through it… amazing performance. Then when they got to the in memory section. So many have gone on ahead… I bawled my way through that; as well… tear up just writing about it. So many wonderful memories…

I would seem that I am now an emotionally expressive person. Neither David nor I used to be that way. Then he had a stroke in 2001. After that … the emotions came bubbling to the surface. I would be checking to see if he was ok… what I could do to help. My husband was hurting and I wanted to fix it for him…. Make it better… spare him any pain… physical … spiritual…. And/or emotional... Before we both felt emotions… we just didn’t cry at the drop of a memory… stiff upper lip and all that.

The night before last I saw David in a dream… he was wearing a pair of bib overalls that I had hand embroidered an engine across the top front… I remember I stitched the pockets closed once and had to pick out all those stitches and re do them to get the way I had envisioned it. He loved wearing those bibs because I had worked on them for him. He wore them in our engagement pictures … No I did not ask him too. In the dream… I saw him he was standing behind a plate glass window at Wal-Mart looking at me and I was walking across the parking lot to him. Then the Pominators woke me up howling to go outside… before I got to him.

Last night it was my Uncle Clarence… he crossed over several years ago… we were checking out this place… broken doors… torn up walls… supposedly dangerous with wolves or something… turned out it was dogs…. They growled to start with but were friendly when they found out I was friendly and gave them water… part of them looked like they were from our kennels from over the years. Then the dream shifted and it was a prefab or a trailer house with a wood stove in the corner of a great-room. This place was surrounded by evergreen forest and range-land…and the park services were looking for someone to live there and keep an eye on the forest and such for fires … I was asking him if he could put a word in for me… then he said this place was actually by Bridgeport NE … the strangeness of dreams.

In any event… it was good to see both of them.

The book I am trying to read… scratch that… the book I am reading is called Proof of Heaven: A neurosurgeon’s journey into the Afterlife by Eben Alexander, M.D. The grief counselor from hospice brought it by. I am interested to read this man’s story.

This time around I am going to set a timer.. in case I drift back to sleep… this body seems to need an inordinate amount of sleep these days. Fix a cup of coffee and a bite to eat and read for a while… much to do later today.

May you have a wonderful day…

Life is a journey... one breath ... one step at a time...
Mary E. Robbins
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Musings...

Coughing again this morning. Not quite as bad as yesterday… drank some apple cider vinegar and hot water… that seemed to help clear the mucus out of my throat… had my honey as well… took some generic musinex sinus and 2 aspirin.

Not much for breakfast… part of an English muffin toasted with butter and a bit of grape jelly… probably 2/3 of it… gave the rest to Sara and Diesel.

Thought the washer quit working… turned out to be the plug in electrical tail I was using… thank God for that… at any rate it is working now.

Ran into the widow of a good friend yesterday. She is the wife of the gentleman that used to be our UPS driver that came out to the ranch. Over the years we had become good friends. His body died of pancreatic cancer shortly after he retired. They found out he had it… and 6 weeks later he was gone. He crossed over 2 years ago… I can still see his smiling face when he came with packages and visited a bit… looking at the pom puppies.

It was obvious from visiting with her yesterday that they were best friends and truly loved each other. It is such a gift to have friendship and love like that in this life… on the flip side it is so… what word covers it… there really are none. When they move on ahead and we are still in this life. I miss David so much… feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest…

Ok… just breathe… one breath then another… calm… Here comes another day.

It’s so strange how these bodies react to this kind of stress….not just in humans either. I remember when Miss Priss died. … she was a female cockatiel. She and Pete had been together for years. He went into screaming crying mourning for weeks… he was so devastated that I thought he was going to die….we accepted another cockatiel from my mom that was being picked on and brought him home and put him in the cage with Pete… hoping that having some other bird company would help him. They grumped and fussed at each other… and eventually got along. Now they are 2 grumpy old men hanging out watching TV.

Yes, Pete and Blue hang on the side of their cage and watch TV. Both of them are mourning David… he loved those birds….and always visited with them when he took their sleeping cover off. Pete and Blue, have been together now for …. Geez the time has all run together… well nearly 10 years… Pete has been with us nearly 20. Pete and Priss loved each other… and were together before they came to be with us as well…. Guess I’ll go turn on the morning show for them that they and David used to watch… HLN or CNN… he would flip back and forth, watching them both. He enjoyed Robin Meade and Natasha Curry.

He was so happy that he no longer had to always be on alert for a call from the railroad. He was out there between 36 and 37 years. He was really good at his work… I know this because I worked with him years back. The man knew his stuff.

He loved trains; he and Jerry would go and see the steam engines when they came through. He knew so much about the various engines. I liked to watch the train programs on TV with him and hear him tell about the engines. I had gotten him a couple of Train trip DVDs for Christmas this year… and of course gave them to him early… I always seemed to do that… give him whatever I’d gotten for him as soon as it came in …. Rather than keeping things for holidays and such. Anyway, one DVD was across the United States, and the other was across Canada. It was fun watching them with him.

We talked about how it would be a fun trip… and how when we were feeling better maybe we could go on one of them. Guess he took a different trip.

Another friend’s husband died this week. Another partnership ended early… seems like whenever one goes before the other the partnership is ended early for this life no matter what the actual age is. My thoughts and prayers go out to her.

This life is certainly an ever changing landscape from birth… through childhood… teen years… young adult… middle age… seniors and exit… of course one never knows when that exit is going to slip in there. For my child it was before birth. Just had a few precious moments with his wonderful soul… yes I could feel his presence. No I am not sure the body would be male… doesn’t matter… I look forward to reuniting on the other side… I wonder … has my mom gotten to meet her grandchild now… I hope so. She was so excited… had just bought a baby book … we had just seen his heart beat and listened to it… then our time with him was over and in a rush of hemorrhage he was gone from this life… mom would have been a wonderful grandma to him. She did great with my youngest step son… the older ones didn’t want anything to do with either of us. Broke my heart … broke mom’s heart… and broke David’s heart.

I guess I just do not understand why people are … hmmmmm… how to say this… if someone you love is happy… why not celebrate their happiness. I’ve never understood that. Whether it’s friend or family… whomever the loved one is… celebrate their joy… it takes nothing away from you… in actuality it increases the joy and love in your own life…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Turning Point...

Wicked coughing session this morning. Survived it… yep…I need to work out more… everything works better in this body when it is active.

Thank you for your prayers… love … and thoughts…


Today was a turning point for me. The past few days have been rather horrid… well more than the past few days… truth be told… missing my husband and feeling totally valueless… useless… Well I am NOT useless…

Filled with fear to the point of total overwhelm stripping away self worth and ability. Yes I know I’ve been doing this to myself… I did not want to go on without David. And frankly I felt like a husk of a person without him. I Love him as much as ever… this does not mean that I love him any less… or that I do not miss him… because I do.

However his time to function physically in this life is done… mine is not. So there is a choice to be made… merely exist... degrading into a morass of unending pain and misery… or choose to celebrate David’s life… and continue to live mine. Actually live it... not endure it or hate it... but live it... celebrate the moments... celebrate the gift of love we gave each other and continue to do so...

breathe deep... and savor the air...

I have been hearing a litany of I can’t I can’t I can’t echoing and rebounding through my head … heart… very soul… over and over again.

Deep breath!

I CAN!

Sitting here and staring at the walls in a crushed self destructive mode benefits no one… and frankly it is the very last thing David would have wanted for me. I know he is with me… cheering me on.

I got one dose of I can this morning… the faucet shut off on the side of the house exploded this morning flooding the lower yard with water. I dealt with it… I found the shut off before it completely flooded the yards and managed to get it shut off… and yes I will either replace the shut off that exploded myself… or have help doing it… either way I will get it done.

I am valuable… I am worth something… and I do have much to offer…

Celebrate this gift called life… savor the moment… even if it’s a massive spray of water shooting out of the wall… I took a hold of that spigot and it snapped off in my hand…. Glad I was here when this thing blew… but If I hadn’t been I would have dealt with it anyway.

Done with I Can’t….

I Can…

Celebrate Life
May you walk in peace…


Mary E. Robbins
Life is a Journey... sometimes there are twists in the road...
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The first valentines day after...

Happy Valentines Day! Cherish the moments... My wonderful Hubs used to bring me roses... I remember our first “official” date so many years ago... with him standing on my front step in a brown and tan sweater vest... so nervous... and this beautiful bouquet of deep red roses...

Whenever I see roses... I feel how much he loved me... and that he still does from the other side... We got together in 1990... married 1991... still together alive through most of 2012... he crossed the veil and we still love each other across the veil from now until I have the release to cross over as well...

Love is a lot of different things…

Sometimes it’s the froth and fluff of romance that is portrayed in the movies and books… but that is just the froth of it. Like the foam on a cold glass of beer… and frankly it lasts just about as long… I admit it… I enjoyed the froth of it. The fun of exploring a new relationship… the surprise when someone you have known for years comes up with a bit of fun … the froth comes and goes… comes back up again… and ebbs…

Sometimes it’s the day to day… the touch on an arm … a kind word… or silence… a meal enjoyed together… presence…

Sometimes it’s picking up the other person’s dirty laundry… or not bitching about dishes dropped… or taking part in an activity that is the other person’s joy and not your own…

Sometimes it’s kind… a warm safe place…

Sometimes it’s sacrifice… one’s dreams put aside to be with the other….

Sometimes it’s a simple conversation… the give and take of it… or just listening in silence …

Love is never having to say you are sorry… ok… now that is a flat out lie… when you love and you do something crappy… and you will do something crappy… say you are sorry… take responsibility for your thoughts and actions… that is love too…

Love can be pure joy… sharing a moment together…

Love can be the cruelest of agony… pain beyond words… that rips and tears through your very core… yes that is love too. When one moves on to the other side and the other is left in this life … it is the height of cruelty… yet it is as it is. Do I regret loving and being loved by my husband… even knowing this… no I do not….and I love him still…

As most things in this life… Love is a choice. A decision …a commitment.

As what you do with it, is also a choice.

Today I choose to live another day…
Today I choose to love my Husband…
Today I choose to Celebrate Valentines Day…
Today I choose to give thanks for the day…

Love is a Choice… beyond the emotion… Love is a Decision…

Mary E. Robbins
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I actually slept

Good Morning Peeps! So much for a nap at 7:30 last night. I meandered into the bed rather than the couch… and that was all she wrote… I remember Diesel getting up into his spot on the bed… snuggling down into the covers… said my prayers and I was out. I did not wake up until the Pominators set off their morning howl… and this morning that was at 3:40 a.m.

No nightmares…no cold sweats and chills… just blessed sleep. I know I dreamed something … but do not consciously remember what it was at this point. I have not slept that long, straight through in … geez I can’t remember when. It is usually sleep 2 to 3 hours … get up head to the bathroom… check the stove. Check on David… Check on Mom… do what ever needed to be done and head back to bed… in 2 to 3 hours do it all again…

Happily the wood stove still had hot coals in it as well… so got the fire going again easily while I was running the Mastiffs and Pominators outside for their morning potty run. Of course they all did the yard rounds … making their security patrol… the large and the small of it.

Then after they were all back inside… I heard Mow Mow Tat growl… yes my cat growls… she heard a vehicle motor and the Pominators exploded and the Mastiffs hackles and back hair went up and they headed for the door. Some truck had gone rumbling by… probably someone taking the gravel roads across to the railroad depot.. or a rancher that was up taking care of cattle calving. I suppose it could be someone not home from the bars and partying yet… but they usually do not come back on these gravel/dirt roads. Sara and Diesel grabbed a bite to eat… and are now back on the couch… the Pominators are back in their beds… as for me… I am heading to the kitchen for a mug of coffee and getting on the recumbent stationary bike for a morning peddle. I’ve got my water… gonna get my coffee and get my peddle on…

Mary E. Robbins
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We had treasures today...

We had treasures today... 6 eggs... all the hairballs taken care of... fed... watered... and biscuit treats each and every one... I love watching them go after those treats... the house hairballs got baked squash for treats...

Good meeting with grief counselor... had a good visit with a girl friend as well. Spent part of the day reading a book I had started some time ago. Getting my food consumption back into a healthy mode as well.

It's quiet... no tv on... and none of the hairballs are barking...

The air is cool...not cold... with moisture and a hint of sweet in it. Wonderful scent to the air. Cloud cover all day...makes me wonder if the storm front they are forecasting is closer than they thought... The air feels like it's waiting for something... all hushed like just before the storm...

Sara just came in the office... and turned to go back into the living room... she has a serious wiggle on... looking back over her shoulder wagging her tail... doing her best grin... Diesel is curled up on the couch...

Mow Mow Tat... gave Susie (grief counselor) the biggest compliment today... she came out of hiding to say hello to her... she is the first person other than David and I that Mow Mow Tat has come out of hiding for...

All in all it has been a good day... going to go get a cool glass of water and read some more... then head to the recumbent bike for a ride... time to start moving... I would like to be able to ride my regular bicycle this summer...

Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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greet the day

Had a bit of whole grain banana bread...and some fresh coffee for breakfast... gave the house hairballs some baked squash... Heading out to do ranch rounds... the sun is shining... the wind is calm... it is a lovely 27 degrees F... supposed to warm up to 48 today... I stepped outside today just as the sun was coming up... with the moon still in the sky... greeted the day and gave thanks for the sun to light the day... and the moons blessing of light at night... it is amazing the difference starting the day with a moment of thanks and wonder can make... may your day be filled with peace and joy... and your night a blessing of rest...

Even though my husband has crossed over the River Styx   ... he is forever my best friend... even across the veil...

"The only difference between needing more and having enough is your attitude. At any time, in any circumstance you always have the option of deciding that you are enough and that you already have enough for the moment you're in!" ~ Ralph Marston


Dear ones.... Yes You!   You Are Enough!

Life is a journey...may you walk in peace...
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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This is It!

This is it
Take a breath
Take a Step
Ready
Set
Go
LIVE!

This is your life live it!

Life is a journey, enjoy the trip!
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch
307.788.0202

First of November...

Happy November 1st!
Halloween is done and gone.

Autumn is in full swing
The trees leaves dancing in colorful splendor

Nights are growing longer
The morning has a brisk bite of cold in the air

Winter's waiting round the corner.
Celebrate the moment...

An Autumn Leaf swirls to the ground
Bright in it's golds, reds, yellows...
A short life ... long remembered.

**********   

Life is a journey, enjoy the trip.
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch
Health & Fitness
307.788.0202

Sipping tea and thinking...

I was sitting here recovering from surgery scanning my facebook account and thinking about how much time it's going to take for my body to recover from the surgeon's knife. Yes the surgery was necessary, I had an umbilical hernia that was around 3 inches in diameter on the inside.  The outside view had more than doubled over the past year.

I saw it there, and it felt funny, but I just figured it was a fat blob.


I had been working on strengthening my abdominal muscles, and did not realize what the hernia was. My previous family physician changed positions so a new doctor came into the office.  She is a very thorough person and found this hernia on my annual visit.

When she first told me I said I would just wear a belt.  Figuring that strengthening my abdominal muscles more would correct the problem.  You know, I just figured I had to work harder to make it “all better”.

I came home a bit rattled from that appointment, especially since she told me to not lift anything over 20 pounds.  Mind you I had just unloaded 2000 pounds of feed in 50 pound bags.

I got online and did some research. Much to my chagrin I discovered that I could not “fix” it by working out.   It seems that when you have a hernia, the more you strengthen the surrounding muscles the more it pulls apart.

I called the doc back and had her office make the necessary appointments so I could get this thing fixed.

Then I got angry. I had been telling my previous physician for 4 year that there was a pulling sensation throughout my abdominal region. Not once had she checked it over. I was angry at myself too, for not realizing what it was and seeking another opinion.

As it stands, it all worked out for the best. There is no way I could have taken care of my invalid mother, or the kennels, on my own after this surgery. So the timing worked out well, my husband is on vacation now and is taking care of the kennels for me.  As well as helping to take care of me. 

My mother is living in a wonderful adult living facility, with a staff of nurses, and aides to take care of her; and has a room-mate that she is very good friends with. Receiving better care than I had been able to give her the year she lived with us.

2010 definitely had it’s challenges. I thought of listing them… lol… but it sounds like something out of a murphy’s law soap opera. 

I am still here, looking into this coming phase of our lives.  My husband and I have been together since late 1990, married since October 1991.  For the most of this time he has been gone on the train working.  This spring he is retiring from the railroad, so rather than being together ¼ of the time and on the road the rest of the time… we are heading into a new time of being together much more of the time.

I am sure there will be adjustments and such. But am looking forward to actually being able to enjoy some time together.

So here is to the next phase of our lives… It’s been an interesting ride so far…
Life is a Journey, enjoy the trip
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
Robbins Run Ranch

Near my heaviest weight, yet closer to my goal than ever…

A friend of mine asked me how close I was to my goal today. Her name is Colleen. We used to belong to a group of ladies that were trying to lose weight that has long since disbanded. I started thinking about just how close I am to my goal. The following is my answer…

I miss the group too. Or rather the ladies in the group...lol... I am rather heavy, 302 lbs as of last Sunday. However I am closer to my goals than ever before.

That probably sounds pretty strange... considering that gives me over 150 lbs to lose. 303 pounds is the heaviest I have ever weighed at. If I've been heavier I don't know what the actual weight was.

So How am I closer to my goals ... I am closer to my goals because the depressive compulsive self destructive subconscious beliefs and behaviors that were so much a part of creating this unhealthy weight are no longer dominant in my life.

I eat now because I am hungry, not unconsciously burying emotions or because my stress levels are off the charts. Yes sometimes my stress levels are still off the charts. But my coping skills have shifted.

The compulsive eating got pretty hairy this past year. Having my mother live with us after the family home of over 100 years burned down... after all the issues of the past years ... was... well I don't know what it was. What I do know is that the experience was part of my journey. A journey through depression and panic attacks so bad that the muscles around my chest contracted to the point of making it nearly impossible to breathe.

Who'd a thought that could happen? It's been an interesting and challenging journey...

As hairy as some of it has been, I wouldn't change it. It's taken until now for me to be able to say that and actually mean it. The reason I wouldn't change it is ... this journey is part of what has made me who I am ... And I actually like who I am.

This is relatively new for me, and it feels good. Not everyone likes who I am... and that's ok too.

So... I am actually near my heaviest weight, really looking forward to walking that marathon in May 2011... And closer to my goal than ever before...

Life is a journey, each step adds to the richness of the composite...
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch
307.788.0202