Shattered Dreams and Broken Promises

I could barely get out of the bed this morning. I need help with this. I thought it was just strained muscles, but there is a good chance that my back has come out of alignment, and is pinching nerves. It’s difficult to take a breath, I am partially paralyzed again.

David is still in bed, after last night I don’t want to even be around him. If I ask him to help me take care of the dogs, or to do any kind of work around here he turns into a vicious screaming idiot.

It would be so nice to have a partner that I could count on. I am so tired, exhausted from the physical pain and screaming abuse.

I am an emotional wreck this morning, breaking down and crying can’t seem to control it. I am so tired.

I am so tired of being beat up emotionally. Seems like the only thing left inside of me is loneliness and pain.

At this point I’m not sure what do do.

Ok get your shit together woman. You need to get your back fixed. You haven’t lost anything but an illusion. You thought you had a partner. You thought you had a real friend in your husband. You were wrong. You bought into what he seemed to be, or what you wanted him to be.

He said he loved me last night. In the midst of a screaming fit. He says he wasn’t attacking me, but I was the only person here. So who else was he screaming, cussing, slamming breaking, at. I was the only other person here.

This shit behavior happens every time I ask him to do anything here.
Not just here it was the same way when we lived in town. So get a clue, he is a screaming abusive person.

I actually do love him. If I didn’t this wouldn’t be so miserable. I could just walk away and would have a long time ago. At this rate I may end up doing that now. Or if I lose the use of my legs, roll or crawl away.

Just to some quiet place. Just some quiet place, some quiet place, quiet place quiet place where no one can reach me… quiet dark place quiet dark place peaceful it seems being alone is the only way to be peaceful. Some quiet dark place, warm would be nice or just nothing, no sound, no pain, no pressure, no cruelty, no more. Nnno more no more no more no more no more …… just no more.

Ok get your shit together. You have more strength than that. Heal yourself. Get stronger, even stronger yet. Take care of the dogs. Take care of yourself.

What do I do first? Call your chiropractor and see if he can put your back in place. How do I get there. Get that ass to drive you or call someone else. Keep calling until you find anyone, or try it yourself.

What’s the worse that could happen if you get in your pickup. Kill someone else. That is the worse that could happen. So just take it really slow and you should be ok.

Ok…1:30 appt at my chiropractor’s office.

10:45 a.m. More stable now, gathering my strength. It’s amazing how much strength and endurance is packed down inside of us. Each and every one of us.

I’m not sure what is going to happen with my back. Whatever does I’ll handle it. I’m not sure what is going to happen with my marriage. Whatever does I’ll handle it.

I am walking a little bit better, I have on a pair of compression pants. They are helping to hold me steady, and being very careful. I think I can make the drive into town to the chiropractors. I may have to just sit in the pickup for a while afterwards.

As far as the dogs go I am going to do what is best for the dogs. At least that is what I am trying to do.

At this point I am not physically capable of getting everything done that needs to be done in the kennel and socializing and grooming, and the paperwork, and interviews etc. I found out last night that I can not count on the one person I thought I could to help get things put together.

This mess is not because I was lazy. It is because I fell ill and did not take the necessary actions at the time to keep this from happening. Total overload. It’s time to reduce the load so I can actually function. I refuse to let my dogs suffer because of my husband’s emotional attachment. If he was willing to actually work with the kennel that would be a different matter. Actually if he had stepped up to the plate we wouldn’t be in this situation now.

I don’t know maybe he isn’t capable of it. No I am not making excuses for him. I am just done counting on him for things that he obviously can not or will not do. I’m not sure how I am going to handle all the emotional storm, somehow. Probably journaling and doing a fair amount of grieving myself. It tears my heart out to let so many of them go. The relationship with my husband is tearing my heart out as well at this point.

Somehow I must stay together, stay strong to take care of the dogs. I need to take care of me as well. My husband and mother are going to have to take care of themselves. I’ve let this crap go on way too long.
Looking back I should have taken action a long time ago. In regards to both.

Truth be told, my husband was livid about the overload of dogs. Frustrated and angry and vented by yelling and screaming. Obviously I do not deal to well with screaming venting. Especially when I feel guilty about it in the first place. With both of us on total overload we both turned into screaming asses. e-ore e-ore e-ore... yes sometimes I do bray.

He did step up to help, frankly I'm not sure how the dogs would have been fed and watered if he hadn't. Really drives the point home that many of them need to be placed. I am so thankful for the help of the rescues in placing the dogs that I was unable to socialize. I was frantic wondering just how I was going to get them socialized and into homes.

It was seriously an error on my part to take in that last 50 plus. But I just couldn't see leaving them in the situation they were in when they asked me to help. No win situation for the past year. But at least the dogs grew back some hair. Now to get them out into homes; and get my numbers down to where they should be. This has been a very rough lesson, all in all.


Life is a journey; some days just suck
Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch

August 7, 2008 Wow has this week been a roller coaster ride.

Take the largest coaster and multiply it by 100 and you may come close to my week; as far as emotions, mental outlook, physical outlook, business outlook; and so on. Extremes across the board.

It doesn’t look like the plans we made are going to work out as expected. So, now what? Take a deep breath and change tack. I am not going to compromise my dogs, so it’s going to be a bit slow going in comparison to what was supposed to happen.

But I’ll get it, one day one dog at a time. I was ill a long time, getting things back on track to my satisfaction is going to take some time.

I am responsible for these wonderful little creatures. I will not shirk this responsibility.

Sometimes the answers to prayer we thought were one thing, are something completely different.

Life is a journey, sometimes there are twists in the road.
Mary E. Robbins307.788.0202

August 4, 2008 Exhausted: Beautiful Morning

My hubby came in from work around 5 a.m. this morning. It was good to see his smiling face. I always miss him when he’s on the train.

Yesterday was a crazy busy day. Today is lining up to be crazy busy as well. It is good to be making progress. Emotionally draining but very, very good.

I was just about at the end of my rope, so to speak. I kept asking; how am I going to manage this? The Lord answered my prayers and things are moving along. I kept seeking and the same answer kept coming up. So this is the way I am going.

Thank You God for answered prayers!

In truth I am still pretty angry about being put in this position. Not that being angry is going to benefit anyone. It’s not; it’s vacillating between anger and abject grief.

Yes It’s true, I allowed myself to be put in this position. There is no question about that. Once again I hoped to get sweet apples of a bitter pear tree. When it came time to harvest, true to form it was all bitter pears, and no sweet apples.
No the Lord didn’t promise any sweet apples off these bitter pear trees. That is true, I was hoping though. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do to change the bitter pear trees; they will have to do that themselves. Not up to me, free will and all that you know. It’s sad though, their lives could be so sweet. Sweet as in wonderful, glorious, not sickly sweet

Life is a journey... sometimes there are twists in the road

Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs

Robbins Run Ranch:

Jack Russell Story

A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa, taking his faithful, elderly Jack Russell Terrier named Killer along for the company.


One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Jack Russell thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"


Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!"


Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed and figures that something must be up.


The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" Instead of running, however, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says...

"Where's that damn monkey ? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery- BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.


This delightful story came to me by email from my wonderful friend Opal. I hope you enjoy it. I have no idea who the original author is or I would happily give him/her credit. If you do happen to know who wrote this please post it in the comment section so I can give credit where credit is due. For now the author is Anonymous.



Life is a journey...enjoy the trip.
Mary E. Robbins and the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch: Living the Dream With Our Pomeranians
307.788.0202

Before Dawn's Early Light

Good Morning. Up before the sunrise today. David was called to work for 5:30 a.m. That means the phone was ringing at 4:00. My life is going much better than it was. As you can see I’ve been noticeably absent from my blogs; except for a couple of posts, since January 8th. Noticeably absent from most of my life for over a month, almost 2 months. Before that it was hit and miss, with major crashes in between.

I’ve been writing in my journals. Over 20 pages of writing; all over the place from the darkest twisted regions of my psyche to the euphoric heights. A variable shit storm of words and emotions. I thought about going ahead and posting everything today. But I’m just not ready to put that out there just yet. Maybe I’ll publish it all in a book later. Or use it as inspiration to write a book or two. Whew. There’s enough there for a whole series of short stories.

One of my favorite authors is Edgar Allen Poe. As I look back over this past month’s journal entries I think of some of his stories. Wonderful way to express ones thoughts and inner tortures. This man was seriously pissed at some folks; he expresses his imaginings in a wonderfully macabre manner.

Perhaps my journal ravings will come to light,
But not tonight in this winter’s bite.

Write them out in poetry and prose.
Let your minds wander among the winter’s rose.

Is it a story or a memory froze?
Branches bare, Thorns to expose.

What does it say?
What’s hidden in the prose?

All in plain sight under your nose.
Thorns drenched in blood, winter’s rose.

Author: Mary E. Robbins

I remember literature teachers/professors expounding on what they thought various poets and writers meant by their poetry and/or stories. In truth, writing means something different to each person that reads it. What did the author/poet mean? The answer to that lies within the labyrinth that is the writer’s mind.

Twisted lanes and tangled branches
Amongst them all the wood sprite dances

Dance of light or dark do tell
Are we brink of heaven or hell

All is one and one the other
Father Brother Sister Mother

All do one and one the other
Tis the dance of one another

Do you know of which I write?
Can you see the darkest light?

Tell me now, what do I mean?
Can from my verse the answers glean?

Light of day and darkest night
Can you see the source of my minds fright?

Sweetest chocolate taste so pure
Bitter depths of poison sure

Can you show me now the cure
Can you show me motives pure

Tell me now, you say you know
Where and when does my mind go

Meander now down history’s lane
In amongst the thoughts so sane

Journey on, the travels fair
Jesters court, dance on air

Come along, do you dare
Come with me from here to there

Author: Mary E. Robbins

Life is a journey…there is no script.
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs

To All the Kids Who Survived the 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's & 70's!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets; and when we
rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick-up on a warm day was always a special treat.


We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends from one bottle, and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter, and drank Koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING !


We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.
And we were O.K.


We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we'd forgotten the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, or X-boxes. We had no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms.......
WE HAD FRIENDS, and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.


We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't just had

to learn to deal with disappointment.

Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned ..........

HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS!


You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids, so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance? "

For those who prefer to think that God is not watching over us.......go ahead and delete this.

For the rest of us.....please pass this on.

______________________________________
My dear friend Colleen emailed the above post to me today. I'm not sure who wrote it originally but it struck a chord with me.

I remember playing outside as a child. Inside too at times, I road a small horse as a child and young person. Princess (a biting kicking, crowhoping, fence jumping, explosion-and my best friend), anyway Princess was dishfaced like an arabian, and a bit smaller than a morgan. black mane and tale, star on her forehead, deep bay color, fine legs, and ran like the wind.

One summer day I was riding princess, I was under 9 years old at the time. Can't quite remember just what age I was, somewhere between 4 and 9. Mom must have called me from the kitchen and I didn't want to get off my horse. I knew I had to come when she called me, so I came in with the horse under me.

Here is this little red headed girl, bareback on this spirited horse, coming up the front walk, up the step, I remember leaning forward and opening the screen door.... and into the kitchen we went.

I have no idea what my mom wanted, but I do remember her exact words. Get that horse out of this house! 40 years later the thought of it still makes me laugh.

What can I say, made perfect sense to me at the time. The horse was my friend, I didn't want to leave her behind so she came into the house with me...

Princess was my piggy bank horse. The day we went to pick out a horse for me to ride, we went to the horse dealer. There were so many beautiful horses in that corral. All different colors, there was this one paint that was so flashy and beautiful. Then I saw Princess. She was so skinny, and rough coated, her head hung down and her main and tail were all matted.

When it came to people I was a very shy little girl. But there was something about that horse. I remember talking to the horse man, saying I'll give you everything in my piggy bank for that horse. My mother was not thrilled. I wasn't in school yet so I must have been 4 years old. The horse man looked at me and said deal.

Princess was mine. My $10.00 piggy bank horse. We took her home, she was covered with lice. and so skinny it hurt to sit on her back. We, mostly mom I would imagine, cleaned her up, got ride of the mats in her main and tail and those nasty lice. She put on weight and instead of hanging her head and dragging her tail, her head came up with this wonderful arch in her neck, and her tail was up.

I grew up with Princess. She was absolutely beautiful, ran like the wind, and jumped over anything I asked her too. Sometimes when I didn't ask her. She loved to run, nose stretched forward, neck out, ears back, with her tail whipping out straight behind her....with this little red headed girl stuck to her back, no saddle just flying mane and a bridle ...

Life is a journey... enjoy the trip ... Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs