A realization… of benefit… maybe yes…maybe no…

“I’ve come to understand that contained within each moment is the decision we have, as divine beings with free will, to either live in love or fall into the trappings of fear.” ~Carol J. Obley


Yesterday morning I was asking how do I stop the anxiety… panic attacks… outright fear… that I wake up with or slide rapidly into each morning…the icy night sweats of night terrors… and so on… This question stuck with me throughout the day…rattling around in the back of my mind.

Especially as I was running head long into a brick wall… so to speak… trying to help another that is mired in depression, anxiety, grief, fear, agoraphobia, panic attacks… she had gone into hiding with her speech geared down to one word monosyllabic words… after several days of unsuccessfully trying to reach her she finally answered up her phone. (On a positive note she called me later in the evening.)

I tend to be a “fix it girl” if something is askew … or something needs to change… what can we do to make that happen. (I am better at it for other folks than I am for myself) I had come up with some possible options for a situation that is looming over her… all of which were rapidly shot down… then my next impulse is to just take care of it for her… however at this point in time I am not in a position to do so…so that is not going to happen. Then I thought wait a minute… what are you doing? This is her life… these are her choices… you can not “fix” it for her… you can be there… with your hand out (either literally or figuratively) but she has to make the choice whether to reach out and take it or not. It’s all about the choices.


Then I thought about another dear friend of mine that came after me when I was burrowing myself into a black hole trying to pull the top in over me… right after David died. She kept after me… trying to get me to come out… brave woman she is because I was like a snapping screaming weeping pissed off cougar in a cave… she kept at it … letting me know she was there… offering her love and support… but she could not pull me out of there… each of us has to make that decision… choice… no one else can do it for us… nor can we do it for each other… as much as we may want to.

Before I went to bed last night… I had chosen to venture forth a bit on a project. Then of course I started second guessing myself and falling into fear. I was worried as I went to bed… I felt a panic attack coming on and got up to get some rescue remedy… took it and went back to bed. Mind you I have been taking rescue remedy a good bit of the time when I go to bed at night… I’ve noticed that I sleep better when I do.

Then here come the dreams… I do not remember the details of all of them… but the theme… message… was consistent throughout… what? You didn’t get it that time… Wham… here it is again… need it repeated again… ok…here it is… Choice.

Ok…. That pissed me off… What the $%^# do you mean I am choosing panic attacks?! Seriously!? Yeah I woke up rather torked off. But it stayed there… bouncing around in my mind… whispering… think… understand…

This is not blaming you for depression, anxiety, grief, fear, agoraphobia, panic attacks, night terrors, whatever else is going awry…

This IS EMPOWERING YOU …. Over depression, anxiety, grief, fear, agoraphobia, panic attacks, night terrors, whatever else is going awry…

In one of the dreams there was this woman… she was standing there… with a falconing glove on… sending this bird out to hunt prey so it could eat… but rather than going out to hunt… it would fly up… then dive and attack her… ripping pieces of her flesh away… devouring it… yet she still stood there… arm out with the glove on for it to land on… over and over it tore at her flesh while she stood there… coming back to land on her glove…

Then I heard it… she is choosing to stand there… all she has to do is choose to send that bird away… it is her choice.

That is when I woke up… go back to sleep … same scenario … wake up …. Go back to sleep…I do not know how many times it repeated…


Then as I was having my breakfast… half a toasted multigrain bagel with cream cheese and coffee with cinnamon… one of my books jumped out at me… It had been catching my eye as I was putting the mastiffs outside to run… then the trio of young cats (Larry Curly and Mo) … then the Pominators… this book kept coming into focus… mind you I am a bit of a book freak… so there are many books here… yet this one kept leaping into my line of sight from the pile…

I sat down my bagel and walked over to pick it up … brought it back to the table and flipped it open… it came open to a page I had marked… then for some reason I flipped back a couple of pages and this phrase jumped out at me…

“I’ve come to understand that contained within each moment is the decision we have, as divine beings with free will, to either live in love or fall into the trappings of fear.” ~Carol J. Obley

Frankly I was still rather pissed. Then this quiet thought came back again… this is not blame… this is EMPOWERMENT… you can choose to send it away… it is up to you… this does not have power over you… only the illusion of power over you… you have the power of choice… you can choose to send it away…


Depression, anxiety, grief, fear, agoraphobia, panic attacks, night terrors, whatever else is going awry… all of this is rooted in fear…

The life events that triggered… continue to trigger… these things… we may not be able to do anything about. They are what they are… and many are cumulative…

If those cards are in your hand… then they are… one of the cards in my hand is David’s death… not a thing I can do about that… it is what it is… but how I play those cards… how you play those cards… that is up to you… we are not powerless… although often there is the illusion… that we are… note that word… illusion…

So how do we do this… step by step instructions please… hmmm… well I don’t have those… however… sometimes just the realization that we can… makes all the difference…


It is what it is… it is not what it is not … if it is useful to you use it… if not then toss it away… either way… here it is…

Mary E. Robbins
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The basic mechanics of my weight and inch loss.

Some of you have been asking what I have been doing to lose weight and inches… so here goes.

The basic mechanics of my weight and inch loss.

The basic mechanics of my losing fat is reducing calories and increasing activity.

I have found that making drastic changes does not work for me. I have found that making gradual incremental changes over time does work for me.

I have been keeping a food journal on everydayhealth.com. I know there are a variety of food journals out there but this is the one I chose and it is working for me.

One of the things I like about it is I can enter my weight, gender, age, and activity level and it gives me the approximate amount of calories I need to lose a pound a week. It also has an activity log that I can use to calculate how many calories I have burned with various activities. This is also based on age, gender, and weight.

I have found this to be very helpful to me. In developing a better understanding of how many calories my body actually needs. It is also helping me to gradually reduce my caloric intake without that feeling of deprivation a major change creates.

This has been great for our grocery bill as well since our food intake has reduced. My husband’s not as much as mine but his has reduced as well.

Each time I drop in weight I enter that weight and reduce my caloric intake goal accordingly. On days that I bounce I do not enter those weight increases. I keep caloric consumption at the lower level.

I started out doing net calories trying to keep the net under my caloric goal. I did not like the results I was getting with that. So I changed my tack and aimed to keep my overall caloric consumption under my daily goal. That way my activity is a bonus caloric burn.

As far as activity goes. I’ve always been one to overdo, get injured and/or frustrated and quit. Then restart and do it again. This time I’ve had some extremely sore days, usually from overdoing or trying to get some physical work done.

My base goal for activity is a minimum of 30 minutes a day; or the equivalent thereof. This gives me the guilt free/failure free option of taking a day of rest if/when my body needs it. Say I’ve raked the yards for 2 hours and am exhausted the next day. I can take that day off and still have my 30 minutes a day covered. Btw, when I say raking the yard I mean actively raking the yard, not leaning on the fence gabbing for 2 hours.

Obviously more activity results in a stronger healthier body. Just sayin.

I weigh every morning. I started this because I wanted to see what was happening with my body’s weight from day to day. Frankly the first 2 to 3 weeks of it nearly drove me bats. I am glad I did it though. Because of this I see my body’s pattern for fat loss, muscle gain, as well as fluid retention. Between the daily weights and the food and activity journal, I have gained a better understanding of what is actually going on when my weight bounces 4 to 5 pounds in a day.

No I don’t like seeing that, duh. Of course I don’t like seeing that, but when I’ve kept track of caloric intake I know it’s not from fat gain.

Frankly I was amazed at the difference drinking diet coke made. Forget that stuff. Each 20 ounce bottle equals approximately a 2 lb gain in water retention for me. As well as feeling like a puff ball. I really do not like that puffy bloated feeling; especially when my face and hands are swelled up. Major ick! I am feeling better overall since I decided I did not want to drink any more coke, and/or other diet pop. I rarely drink regular soda either. Once in a while I’ll have a rootbeer float but for the most part it just is not worth how it makes my body feel.

Instead of “I can’t have it” my attitude has changed to “I do not want it”.

As for how I am eating. I am trying to eat in a healthy manner. Eating mostly “real” foods. I eat from 3 to 6 times a day, depending on the day.

If it’s a real early morning I have an early morning snack. I like beachbody’s Shakeology shake for that. Or sometimes their vanilla meal replacement shake with instant coffee and ice blended. I have a hand held blender and blend them with crushed ice. I have tried a lot of different shakes over the years and I like beachbody’s.

I like the way I feel after drinking it. That stuff is stuffed full of nutrients and my body thanks me for it every time I have one. I just feel better. No I don’t have it every day. On the days that I don’t drink Shakeology I usually take P90x vitamin/mineral packets.

Breakfast (when my husband is up) is usually 2 basted eggs, fruit, fresh homefries sautéed in olive oil, fresh coffee, and another protein.

Then around 10…. Morning snack: usually fruit and an ounce of cheese

Lunch: protein, veggies, and complex carbs

Mid afternoon snack: 3:00 and my body is hungry… especially if I’ve been outside working or working out. Usually fruit and yogurt…. The type of yogurt varies.

Dinner: veggies (either cooked or salad), protein, sometimes complex carbs, dessert (usually ½ cup of ice cream)

Late snack: typical would be 8 ounces of milk, 1 tbs of natural peanut butter, & 4 whole wheat saltine crackers. Although sometimes it’s coffee/cream (in moderation-20 calories worth) and a mini reeses peanut butter cup.

I try to have a salad or sliced raw veggies at least once a day. Dressing is usually blue cheese, or an Italian made with apple cider vinegar and olive oil…. Most salad dressings have been eliminated from our groceries, if they have msg they are not purchased.

Yes I measure and or weigh my food. Guessing is not going to do it… especially when you are first starting out. Most meats are cooked on a foreman grill, or up on a rack. I am very picky about what oil I use. Extra virgin olive oil is my oil of choice.

I rarely drink fruit juices. I have found most of them are laced with sugar and/or corn syrup. Doesn’t make much sense to me to drink juices that are messed with when I can eat raw fruit instead. Sometimes I use frozen fruit to top greek yogurt.

Yes I am a coffee drinker. I also love teas. No I do not sweeten my tea.

I eat approximately a teaspoon of local raw honey every morning. Well most mornings anyway. By doing this I have been able to quit taking advair and singular and rarely take over the counter allergy meds any more. YaY!

Oh yeah… and drink water.

I cut back on the salt I add to my cooking. I tend to cook with cayenne, minced garlic, black pepper, minced onion, and various other spices and herbs.

I do keep garlic salt on the table so if we want we can add salt. I noticed my husband was salting without tasting, so I figured what’s the point of salting while cooking. I also noticed that most prepped foods… like canned soups, smoked meats, canned veggies, sauces, etc. All seem to have an overabundance of salt in them. I try to use them sparingly, and this is another reason I have changed my cooking style to more herbs and less salt when I am prepping whole foods.

We have greatly reduced, to the point of nearly eliminating any foods with msg as well. Tends to make finding a decent brat rather challenging.

Nearly all breads, pastas, etc are whole grain.

Btw, if I eat ice cream, it’s real ice cream not some nasty chemical concoction. I just have ½ cup rather than a gallon. Lol…

This is the basic mechanics of what I am doing. I am not dieting, I am changing my lifestyle … from the inside out.

The change that has been the most effective, not really the right word. Hmmmm… The change that has made this process a lifestyle shift rather than just another stinking diet is a change in perspective. A change in attitude.


Your life, your responsibility…. Your choice, your freedom.

The attitudes you keep and the words you speak define your life.

Life is a journey, may you appreciate the beauty of each moment...
Mary E. Robbins
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