Night terrors ... grief...

>Good Morning Peeps…

Wowzers … what a morning… I crashed really early last night… like between 7 and 8 pm… just could not keep my eyes open any longer. I had not rested well for several nights … and yesterday my body was just done. Only to be woken up every couple hours by the dogs howling…

I got all pissed at the dogs for howling… not realizing that I was the reason they were howling in the first place. I did not figure that out until after I’d gotten up and was dealing with wave after wave of crisis level emotion crashing out through my chest… I woke up with my sinuses swelled…. Face swelled… eyes blood red…

No it wasn’t an allergic reaction… I had to have been bawling and howling … moaning … whatever … in my sleep… to the point that it was triggering my dogs to howl… then I would wake up… to their howling… might be a good thing they did wake me up… I don’t know… I do know that … ugh… I could have done without the emotion that pounded the daylights out of me this morning…

Geez… I feel like I’ve been in a championship MMA fight and seriously lost…

Bugger it… I could seriously do without this crap. I am tired and about ¾ pissed off… like that is going to do anyone any bloody good…

All that friggen pain swirling around… anxiety crawling up my arms over my face tingling… with a strong dose of of rage boiling under the surface… gggrrrrooowwwwlllllllll…. Sssnnnaaarrrlllll…. Yeah ok… need to focus this rage and turn it into productive energy… so how to do that… paint… that is a good option… write… workout… oxycise and tai cheng should help to center me … return the phone call I missed last night… one I really did not want to miss… missed because I was crashed out on the bed…

Bugger it… well they will either understand or they won’t… naught I can do about that… Ok… just breathe… should be ok… would have liked to have chatted with this particular person though. Ah well… another time… or not… whatever…

Ok… on with the day… heading to the bath… then oxycise I am thinking and tai cheng… then the phone… and on… need to post some bills… and sort some more papers… and get on cleaning out that Quonset… ugh… there is so much in there it is frankly overwhelming… one bit at a time…

The birds are singing outside… and at the feeder… since I am not howling any more neither are the kennels… arrrgghh… and there is a morning fog… fire is glowing through the glass in the front of the wood stove… think I’ll put some eucalyptus and lavender oil in the water in the teakettle that is sitting on top of the stove… breakfast is long since done… sautéed spaghetti squash, a bit of sausage, and an egg… and coffee… I did take my vitamins today… I’ve missed them a couple of days… probably part of the reason I’ve been swinging so much… headache is easing off… yes been waking up with those
too…

Need to fill the wood ring with firewood again today… thankful there is some to put in there…

I wonder sometimes what was swirling around in Edgar Allen Poe’s head … before those stories came pouring out… or Picasso… a mind on fire… so fragmented… so brilliant… hmmmmmm…. Who knows… perhaps they were totally calm… but I seriously doubt it…

Later taters…

Oh… Yeah… just in case someone was meandering down this particular path… this is not a feel sorry for me thing… seriously… get a grip… it is what it is… that that is not it…

As far as I can tell this is part of a growth process… transition… an evolution… one moment… one breath at a time…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Emotional Crash and Burn... August 3rd... 2013

Woke up in a full on panic crying coughing panic attack... begging forgiveness for not realizing what was happening when he told me his heart rate had increased ... this was days or weeks before his death... I thought he would be ok... I missed it... I thought he would be ok... I failed him... God Forgive me... David Forgive me... I did not make it better... I tried... I failed... I am so sorry... We thought we were doing things right... he was feeling so much better than he had in a long time... his color was good... he was not in so much pain all the time... then he was just... gone...

thank you dear friends... helped me through a very very difficult day...

Mary E. Robbins
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it's a spider... no it's not...

A quick note before I head out to do ranch rounds... yesterday turned into a day of required rest as well... most of the burning in my lower legs has stopped for the moment. YaY! I spent yesterday with my legs and feet elevated most of the day.

Tried rescue remedy sleep last night... it worked... it seems I slept through a rain/wind/thunder storm last night... 3/8th of an inch of rain in the gauge. looks like it came down all at once since there are wash marks where the water came rushing around the house. The reason I know there was wind is there are some branches broken out of the trees.

Emotions all over the place this morning... argh... really missing David this morning... missing the stability we gave each other while he was alive. Spin spin spin... spin like a friggen top... sadness... frustration... anxiety... grief... anger... rage... spin spin spin... whew... ok... focus .... breathe... take another breath... focus... calm... center... calm... breathe...

I tried to focus yesterday... that didn't work... ppppphhhhttttt..... i not only crashed physically... it seems I crashed mentally as well... crazy emotional ride and the friggen spider crawl all day... as close as I can tell it's anxiety making the nerve endings in my skin go a bit batty... feels like spiders crawling on you... there's a lot of spiders here ... so it's not a good idea to ignore the sensation... been there done that... got bit... aw well...

Well the friggen legs are working this morning... so I am going out and getting ranch rounds done...

Moe Moe came running up to me when I stepped outside... the wind had worked part of the top of their kitty kennel off... glad I stepped out before letting the mastiffs out... having them crush her would have been just too much... moe moe was all snuggles and hi mommie... I fixed the top of their kitty kennel hugged her up... as well as giving Curley and Larry some attention. 

Moe Moe

Ok... making myself give thanks for the day... and appreciate the beauty of the morning... the dust is washed out of the air and there is actual moisture in the air as well. As I look out across the valley to the ridge to the south east it is a patchwork of greens and golds... beautiful...

may you walk in peace... peace within yourself... and see the beauty in the moment...

later taters...

Mary E. Robbins
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A realization… of benefit… maybe yes…maybe no…

“I’ve come to understand that contained within each moment is the decision we have, as divine beings with free will, to either live in love or fall into the trappings of fear.” ~Carol J. Obley


Yesterday morning I was asking how do I stop the anxiety… panic attacks… outright fear… that I wake up with or slide rapidly into each morning…the icy night sweats of night terrors… and so on… This question stuck with me throughout the day…rattling around in the back of my mind.

Especially as I was running head long into a brick wall… so to speak… trying to help another that is mired in depression, anxiety, grief, fear, agoraphobia, panic attacks… she had gone into hiding with her speech geared down to one word monosyllabic words… after several days of unsuccessfully trying to reach her she finally answered up her phone. (On a positive note she called me later in the evening.)

I tend to be a “fix it girl” if something is askew … or something needs to change… what can we do to make that happen. (I am better at it for other folks than I am for myself) I had come up with some possible options for a situation that is looming over her… all of which were rapidly shot down… then my next impulse is to just take care of it for her… however at this point in time I am not in a position to do so…so that is not going to happen. Then I thought wait a minute… what are you doing? This is her life… these are her choices… you can not “fix” it for her… you can be there… with your hand out (either literally or figuratively) but she has to make the choice whether to reach out and take it or not. It’s all about the choices.


Then I thought about another dear friend of mine that came after me when I was burrowing myself into a black hole trying to pull the top in over me… right after David died. She kept after me… trying to get me to come out… brave woman she is because I was like a snapping screaming weeping pissed off cougar in a cave… she kept at it … letting me know she was there… offering her love and support… but she could not pull me out of there… each of us has to make that decision… choice… no one else can do it for us… nor can we do it for each other… as much as we may want to.

Before I went to bed last night… I had chosen to venture forth a bit on a project. Then of course I started second guessing myself and falling into fear. I was worried as I went to bed… I felt a panic attack coming on and got up to get some rescue remedy… took it and went back to bed. Mind you I have been taking rescue remedy a good bit of the time when I go to bed at night… I’ve noticed that I sleep better when I do.

Then here come the dreams… I do not remember the details of all of them… but the theme… message… was consistent throughout… what? You didn’t get it that time… Wham… here it is again… need it repeated again… ok…here it is… Choice.

Ok…. That pissed me off… What the $%^# do you mean I am choosing panic attacks?! Seriously!? Yeah I woke up rather torked off. But it stayed there… bouncing around in my mind… whispering… think… understand…

This is not blaming you for depression, anxiety, grief, fear, agoraphobia, panic attacks, night terrors, whatever else is going awry…

This IS EMPOWERING YOU …. Over depression, anxiety, grief, fear, agoraphobia, panic attacks, night terrors, whatever else is going awry…

In one of the dreams there was this woman… she was standing there… with a falconing glove on… sending this bird out to hunt prey so it could eat… but rather than going out to hunt… it would fly up… then dive and attack her… ripping pieces of her flesh away… devouring it… yet she still stood there… arm out with the glove on for it to land on… over and over it tore at her flesh while she stood there… coming back to land on her glove…

Then I heard it… she is choosing to stand there… all she has to do is choose to send that bird away… it is her choice.

That is when I woke up… go back to sleep … same scenario … wake up …. Go back to sleep…I do not know how many times it repeated…


Then as I was having my breakfast… half a toasted multigrain bagel with cream cheese and coffee with cinnamon… one of my books jumped out at me… It had been catching my eye as I was putting the mastiffs outside to run… then the trio of young cats (Larry Curly and Mo) … then the Pominators… this book kept coming into focus… mind you I am a bit of a book freak… so there are many books here… yet this one kept leaping into my line of sight from the pile…

I sat down my bagel and walked over to pick it up … brought it back to the table and flipped it open… it came open to a page I had marked… then for some reason I flipped back a couple of pages and this phrase jumped out at me…

“I’ve come to understand that contained within each moment is the decision we have, as divine beings with free will, to either live in love or fall into the trappings of fear.” ~Carol J. Obley

Frankly I was still rather pissed. Then this quiet thought came back again… this is not blame… this is EMPOWERMENT… you can choose to send it away… it is up to you… this does not have power over you… only the illusion of power over you… you have the power of choice… you can choose to send it away…


Depression, anxiety, grief, fear, agoraphobia, panic attacks, night terrors, whatever else is going awry… all of this is rooted in fear…

The life events that triggered… continue to trigger… these things… we may not be able to do anything about. They are what they are… and many are cumulative…

If those cards are in your hand… then they are… one of the cards in my hand is David’s death… not a thing I can do about that… it is what it is… but how I play those cards… how you play those cards… that is up to you… we are not powerless… although often there is the illusion… that we are… note that word… illusion…

So how do we do this… step by step instructions please… hmmm… well I don’t have those… however… sometimes just the realization that we can… makes all the difference…


It is what it is… it is not what it is not … if it is useful to you use it… if not then toss it away… either way… here it is…

Mary E. Robbins
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good morning... I think

Good morning... I am up... and had some cereal and coffee for breakfast. Meeting with grief counselor yesterday... today it is meetings with case manager ... frankly I'd like to just crawl in a hole and sleep until it's time for me to cross over and join David... but then that would not get the animals here taken care of.

Looks like the 2 hollyhocks I planted last year made it through the winter... there are daffodils... or rather jonquils as David always called them are coming up... along with some tulips... maybe there will be some flowers...

Actually the way David said jonquils... was Johnny Quills ... just one of those cute little quirks... I miss him so much...

The birds are singing outside today...

Mary E. Robbins
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Mornings have become the hardest

Mornings have become the hardest... overwhelming sadness and grief... I talked to someone I thought was a friend... perhaps they were trying to be... I don't know... but I have been having nightmares ever since I spoke with her. Decisions have been next to impossible to make since David's death... it's like I am frozen in place... afraid doubting every choice... decision I have ever made...

I see my therapist and a case manager today... somehow I must make myself get in my jeep and drive to their offices... i am so afraid... I had dreams and goals before David died... I was actually functioning on a somewhat consistent level... all that changed in the split second it took for his time in this life to be over... I could not resuscitate his body... I tried and tried until the ambulances got here...  it seems when a person's time is up ... there is no getting them back into that body... why is he gone and i am still here... stuck in place... non functional ... doubting every choice... filled with pain and desolation...

I am still here and do not have the release to go... I have felt that release before when my body was dying from a bowel blockage... staying in this life without him is not my preferred choice... neither is leaving without having that release... so now what?????

I do not have the answer to that just yet... perhaps I don't have to have the answer to that... perhaps it is just moment by moment.  Maybe that is ok... it's going to have to be ok... because that is all I can do at this point... truthfully I think that is all I could ever do... just moment by moment... no matter how many plans and goals were made... it still boils down to moment by moment...

This moment I choose to appreciate the sunshine... even though it is 23 degrees F outside.

This moment I choose to go and get on my stationary bike and ride for a bit.

I am still here... breathing... yes I am still afraid... yes I am still grieving... yes there is a huge black cloud of depression surrounding me... and so much doubt...

But... I can still choose... it's ok if it's not a perfect choice... now to the bicycle...


Mary E. Robbins
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Started writing at dawn…

The weather.com is saying it is 4 degrees F… my yard thermometer says it’s 10 degrees F… the eastern glow is climbing up the horizon…the sun has not yet crested the ridge to the southeast. The moon is still up shining in her glory.  I stepped outside with the dogs … appreciated the beauty of the dawn … and gave thanks for the day.  A moment’s peace.

Then it hit me… like a pro MMA fighter’s roundhouse kick to the diaphragm. Sadness… missing his physical presence.  When David was up we would greet the mornings together… just step outside and look across the distance … the ranches, farms, rolling hills, ridges… and appreciate the beauty… enjoying the moment together standing on our little spot in the world.

My heart of hearts and very soul … screaming why…. Well there are all the physical reasons for his body to fail… and you know I’ve picked each and every one of them apart like a hoard of south Americian army ants… devouring each and every bit of information… looking around for any morsel that may have been missed. Conclusion: body ravaged by diabetes complicated by the very drugs that were supposed to be helping him. There had been a very negative reaction to statin/cholesterol drugs resulting in massive muscle breakdown.  Blood pressure drugs that actually drove his blood sugars up. Aaarrrgggghhh…. It took me way too long to catch either one of these issues because I foolishly relied on the doctors rather than researching everything they prescribed to him initially. I feel like I failed him in that regard. I still have mountains of reading and research piled up to get through… I used to get really frustrated with him as I was wading through yet another study… or book… or webpage researching reading other people’s studies and opinions… head swimming as I was cramming yet more vocabulary and information into it’s database… and David was sitting in the living room with his feet up watching some military or gun show or  John Wayne or Clint Eastwood … anything…

I’d go into the living room and pounce on him… get up and move… or will you read some of this… he’d look at me and say “I love you… will you go get me another cup of coffee”  If I’d handed him a book or article… he would look to see if it was gun related and if not… pile it on the side table… unread.   Then he’d say sit and watch with me… part of the time I did…  now I am thankful that I did stop and watch with him…

We had completely changed the way we were eating… over the years I’d changed our food consumption to predominately healthy real foods across the boards. We had finally gotten him away from the drugs that were doing damage to his body… and his sugars were stabilizing … his blood pressure was as good or a bit better than when he was on the blood pressure drugs that were driving his sugars up.  The pain in his hip and knee was receding… the swelling in his face and hands lessening. His color was improving… much better than what he has in the pictures. His body was actually getting healthier. He was starting to have that old spring in his step… with enough energy to call his brother in law on his birthday and visiting on the phone with his son… planning to garden next spring and have one of his grandsons come to visit for a while.

He was happy and he was feeling better… we had a Christmas tree for the first time in 9 years.  He loved to just sit and look at it… watching the kittens in their kitty condo playing next to it.  He watched them by the hour… Curley, Larry, and Mo. David named them. We watched train tour dvds… I’d bought them for him for Christmas… but as usual had given them to him as soon as they came in the mail….so we watched them early. When I bought him a gift… Christmas, Birthday, Anniversary… I was never any good at keeping it back and not telling him what it was.  I always just gave it to him.  It was such a pleasure to watch him dig into it… his eyes all sparkling with joy.   Didn’t matter what it was… he would love it… because it was a gift… because he had been thought of.

He was my rock… my joy… my torment… my best friend… my soul mate… my husband…  he still is.  The body he resided in expired. No more needles… no more drugs… no more physical pain. He made  his choices in this life and he lived and died by them.  I know he was not planning to leave when he did.  But that is something that is not in his nor my control.  I tried to revive that body and to pull him back into it… it was a go no go situation… just as if a switch had flipped and that body was shut down.  Like you’d unzip a pair of insulated coveralls step out of them and drop them on the floor.  Their form is still there, they are still warm inside, but they are empty… crumpled in a pile on the floor. 

Grief/bereavement counselors were here yesterday. A husband and wife team. It was a good thing.

Yesterday was the first day I have not had massive panic attacks.

I actually took a bath...and am venturing out to a church service. They invited me yesterday... I am choosing to take a step out the door.

The fire in the wood stove is banked... I've had a cup of coffee. I am dressed... in bibs of course as that is what fits me ... this morning has been the full gamut of giving thanks for the day... an active choice... crying because often we would greet the day or night together... missing my husband ... knowing that he is ok...

I wonder … what glories he is able to see now…

May you walk in peace….

Mary E. Robbins
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