Happy May Day... New beginnings... Baby Ducks & Geese...

Good Morning Peeps…

April is done and gone… May is just beginning… I am choosing to close the door on April and all the turmoil that boiled through it. Stepping forward into this new month… choosing to believe that today is a good day… Happy May Day…

The sun is shining… yay… the wind is not howling… the post office in Torrington gave me a call this morning… yup that’s right… my baby ducks and geese are here… I did get them set up in the whelping house with straw… water food… heat lamps… dipped all their beaks to get them started in the water… pulled some grass for them… snapped a couple of pics… watching them check out their new surroundings made my heart happy… a couple of the baby ducks were floating in their water pan when I came down to the house…

Ground some coffee… cooked breakfast… Gunsmoke playing in the background… hey what can I say… when I was a little girl my mom and I watched it together… after David retired he and I used to watch it together… who knows perhaps they are both in here watching with me…

Watched the Ring last night… it was supposed to be scary… I suppose it was… but it just looked like a hurt angry spirit acting out to me. It is actually a pretty good movie.

After the past few days I was sure glad to see the sun shining this morning. The tulips along the east fence are looking happy… and the yellow ones that were just buds are close to blooming…

I was really hit and miss with Oxycise and tai-cheng in April… my goal is to get it in at least 5 days a week in May. Want to get my garden in this month as well… and get that surround fence up… the porch sanded… and the mowing caught up… need to keep an eye on that asparagus and hopefully get some picked and frozen for the year… … bit more on the May list… photos this first week… photos of me for trainer… scrub out freezers… read… yes there are a couple of books I’ve been trying to read… I can not see to read the print if I have been upset… so staying active… focusing my energy… painting my way through stressers/triggers will help me to get the books read that I want to dive into…

It is not such an issue with the computer or kindle because I can change the text size… however the books I want to read are print on paper… just is what it is…

want to order a few turkeys for the place… and the freezer…. And possibly some guineas… might do some butcher chickens too… and keep a rooster or 2 … I do like the sound of a crowing rooster first thing in the morning

Think I’ll just do straight run (mixture of boys and girls) and let things sort themselves out… I may change my mind… just kinda thinking…

I do know one thing for sure… when I get up and out first thing in the morning I certainly feel better… I was out and about checking the temps in the brooder before I went after the baby ducks and geese… while I was out I fed the big dogs… checked the feed on all the poms… fed the buff ducks and checked the feed for the muscovies… and fed the chickens…

I heard the rooster pheasant calling this morning while I was out and about…

I did not see my hen Muscovy this morning… I am hoping she is ok … just setting on a nest.

Putting todays list together… take vitamins, firewood in… Oxycise/tai-cheng… wash sheets… check on baby birds… drive some posts … plant some onion sets… unless that wind picks up too much… log food intake… order dog and cat food… pay bills… get those shirts into tubs… and fold up the laundry I’ve been staring at… truthfully I would like to just curl up in a hot tub of water… I am a walking ache this morning… hope the Oxycise and tai-cheng loosens me up and gets rid of some pain…

First up… vitamins… and another cup of coffee…

Mary E. Robbins
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Baby Ducks and Geese... first day home...

baby ducks May 2014

baby ducks May 1st 2014

baby ducks May 1st 2014

baby geese May 1st 2014

baby geese May 1st 2014

baby ducks May 1st 2014

choices... embrace the moment...

Good Morning Peeps…

Well I did it… I got that garden fence up… there is still a bit more to do on it… like anchoring the bottom of the fencing to the steel posts… but it is up enough to keep the chickens out of the garden area… looks pretty good if I say so myself… hehehe… I drove 14 steel posts yesterday… may not sound like much to some… but to me it was pretty major…

Had some reading I wanted to do last night… made it through a few pages… then zonked out… woke up in the wee hours of the morning with the Pominators and Mastiffs still outside and the front door open… brought the dogs in and crawled into my actual bed for a few hours…

A bit stiff and sore today… heading to the bath soon for a soak in Epsom salts & zeolite… that should help… then it’s out the door to freshen kennel waters… and plot out the holes for the plum and mulberries I want to plant today… take a mower over to a friend’s to be worked on… go to an appointment… work on the garden plots… as in some of the layout… where to put what…

The phone rang… totally lost my train of thought… aw well… refilled my coffee cup and left it sitting on the sink side drain board… aw… took a sip… seriously needed that…

I’ve been thinking about choices… those we make… those we refuse to make thinking that we are avoiding them… when actually we are making choices anyway… today I choose to live another day… I choose to live until it is my time to leave this realm… not just exist… to live…

So what does that mean… it means something different to each of us… for me it means … in part… it means that when everything seems to be shifting… the world around me …within me… seems to be influx … like some illusion out of the matrix… I choose to take another step forward… to choose the reality… rather than the illusion… even though it seems safer in the illusion… I choose to greet the morning sun… to appreciate the sounds of the wild birds… I choose to feel… even though part of that choice to feel leaves me open to the waves of pain and grief that come crashing in… it also leaves me open to the joy of the warmth of spring after winter… and the sounds of laughter from a friend… it is ok to enjoy laughter again… it is ok to cry… it is ok to have peace… it is ok to rage… it is ok to live… Breathe…

When the world is tipping… breathe… slow breath in… slow breath out… breathe… there will more than likely be more times of high anxiety… panic attacks… ptsd triggers… and that is ok… it just is what it is… breathe… see it for what it is… and breathe… you are of value… there is a spark of life in you… you are that spark of life… breathe… it is ok to just be… our perceptions of who we are shift and change… and that is ok… breathe… those transitions can be filled with pain… and that is ok… feel it… embrace it… slicing through to the core… and let it go… breathe… allow yourself to grow… embrace the growth… the ever evolving fluidity of what we are… and breathe…

Some say today is a good day to die… if it is my time then it is ok… so be it… but until that time… it is a good day to live… embrace it… some days are a gauntlet of rusty razor blades… embrace it… in all it’s gore… some days are the sweet scent of spring flowers on a warm sunny day… embrace it … in all it’s sweet serenity… some days are as the darkest night… embrace it …in it’s velvety blackness… embrace it and see the vivid colors of life splash out in front of you… around you… on your face in your hair… wallow in it… savor it… breathe… live… it is a choice… continually made… consciously or unconsciously made… breathe…

mmmmmm…. Strong black coffee… taking another sip… savoring the flavor… the darkness of it… the bitter edge… the richness and texture… of the liquid … savoring the flavor… life…

Phone is ringing…

… on with the day…

May you walk in peace…

Mary Robbins
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Snowflakes and Choices

Doing another first today without my husband... going to a g-show with a friend... you would think going out would be an exciting fun thing… I like this person… and I enjoy his company… he is a good man…. I think this is just two friends going to an event together… it is hard though… g-shows were David’s thing…. Sad and confused… I went with him part of the time… but it was a thing for him to do with his buds…

So … I have a choice. I can celebrate that he enjoyed his life and enjoyed looking around at these shows… and choose to venture forth and enjoy the day… or I can allow myself to sink into desolation because he is no longer here to do so… he was a good man and we were blessed to share each other’s lives.

I know he would not want me to be in desolation… I know this about him… so… write your way through the sadness you are feeling this morning… have some coffee… take the ashes out… stop and appreciate the absolute beauty of the snow gently falling… without any wind… it is so beautiful outside right now… calm… peaceful… everything shrouded in a white cape … made up of tiny exquisite pieces of artwork… yes snowflakes…

I stepped out before the sun was up… it was 20 degrees F… but seems warmer… probably because the wind is not blowing… so there I am out looking around as I start to run the dogs out … and I see this sparkle … caught by the dim porch light… snowflakes… the birds in the evergreen tree in front of the door rustled their wings as I walked under their nightly perch… sending more flakes flitting across my gaze… so it is a choice… sadness and desolation… or stop… take a breath… and appreciate the beauty of this snowy morning… on the first day of Feb. 2014…

Frankly… I have really had enough of desolation… so… I am lifting my coffee cup in a salute… and giving thanks for the day… you know that feels a whole lot like inner peace… yes it does… savoring the sensation…

Mary E. Robbins
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Took these pics this morning...

when it snows or is foggy... it is as if this little hollow is it's own little world... hidden away in shrouds of gray or white...

can not see beyond the ridge...

this is the tree just in front of my door... the one I hear the birds in at night...

there is running water out under that evergreen tree for the birds...

you can sort of see the buff ducks just on the other side of the gate... sitting outside in the snow... yes they have a barn... they were talking amongst themselves... sounded happy...

Diesel's chew toy... yes it is a tire...

not moving... just clearing out stuff that is useable and cleaning out my quonset... for any of you that do not know the grey rounded building is a quonset

7 p.m.


Just came in from ranch rounds... bit chilly... 14 degrees F... the girls gave me an egg... no wind... really beautiful cold night with a sliver of a crescent moon...

My plans for today ended up changing... my friend decided to stay home because of the weather... which was probably a good idea... so ... I stayed home as well... folded some laundry... cleaned up some dirt... watched some tv... actually watched chicago pd and some of continuum...

working out is still on my list... emptied the ashes... mow mow tat's litter box... watered everyone outside... fed who needed feeding... threw out some trash... made a list for feb...

I lost 10.4 pounds in January... there have been some nifty changes in body composition... muscle gain... fat loss... my waist is down to 40 inches from 46 inches... met my clothing size goal too... actually a month ahead of time... I was aiming to get into a size 48 bib overalls... already in them... I looked in my closet today... and it dawned on me that 95% of the clothes in there will be moving on to other folks... not right now but throughout the year...

just had my dinner... cremated chicken... yeah I forgot to set the timer... was still edible... well it was still protein... lol.... oh yeah and had some green salad with olive oil and vinegar...

have the top oven set on clean now... gotta love a self cleaning oven... hmmmm... wonder how one would create a self cleaning house... now there is a thought...

all in all it has been a good day... it has also been a seriously beautiful day...

hide or evolve

Good morning peeps… almost afternoon here now… it was a frosty 5 degrees when I got up… according to weather.com it is now a balmy 16 degrees F… on an up note… the sun is shining and the wind is not howling… the bright sunshine feels good as I step out into the brisk January air… so glad the wind is not howling…

Just in a weird place… another railroader’s funeral is today… shortly after retirement… another life partner gone… as the other is left behind to deal with the brokenness… of grief… and turbulence of drastic change… and the evolution of healing … forming into the you that is after….

Fear not … is running on an endless loop through my mind… as it has been for the past … I don’t know how many days… every direction I turn…

I keep running into… yes even in my dreams… go forward… let go… keep moving forward… embrace the change… live grow… I am kinda like… well ok then… I think I got the message… truthfully though I am feeling like crawling back into a hole and hiding…


Yes I have choice… I can regress… burrow into what seems like a safe hiding place… which actually leads to depression… anxiety… overwhelming fear… or I can step forward… embracing the light that is shining… take a breath… take a step… grow… walk that tightrope… and live…

Hmmmmm….

Stomach in a knot… stepping forward… no fear… embrace life… breathe… live… evolve…

Mary E. Robbins
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It is time to lie down the anger

Good morning peeps…

Well this has been an “interesting” night… first I fell asleep in my chair… thought I’d slept for hours… but was only minutes… tried to go to bed… and became “totally AWAKE” … just a strange state of mind… oh… yeah… the spider bite… almost totally gone… thankfully… that mud facemask really works good for drawing out toxins.

We made progress putting stuff in the roll-off dumpster yesterday. What had taken us a couple of days to pile outside we got into the dumpster in just a few hours… it was a good thing… but it was a hard thing too.  Part of what went into that dumpster was the first furniture that David and I bought together… gotta let it go…

Much more to clear out of there today. Gonna take my vitamins, go out and do ranch rounds then head to the Quonset.

I had weight progress photos taken yesterday… starting photos for working with a particular coach… but in progress photos for me.  Frankly I did not want to take them at all… such a simple thing was so hard. It took all the nerve I had to get them done… more friggen triggers… David was the one who took these types of photos for me in the past.  I appreciate having the pics taken… I do… and my friend did not make it awkward… and we got it done.  Another first done… 

Frankly it feels like yet another strip has been freshly ripped out of my heart.  I have so had enough of pain and friggen tears. Drowning in salt water running out of my eyes… I mean seriously… enough already…

Oh yeah… lets have some more stress… I went over to the property in Morrill… what a mess. That did not have to be that way either… then to walk around on there and my horse trailer is stolen… so is my goat trailer … and who knows what else… you know it’s enough that my family that lived there … dysfunctional as we were… are all dead… but to have thieving scavengers digging around in our history/property … stealing is just too bloody much.

What makes people think that it is ok to go on other people’s property and take and take without asking is beyond me.  No honor… no integrity… it is disgusting… it is obscene…

I don’t care how simple a thing it was… it was a betrayal … and theft…

To those that have behaved in this manner…

As you to bring to others In either thought or deed
May you be so blessed In the life you lead
Ten times ten plus one
Whether this is  Blessing Or Cursing be Is completely up to thee!

I choose to forgive… yet you are still responsible for your crap behavior! I am choosing to forgive so I can move on… as for you… you can sit and stew in the nasty stew you created as far as I am concerned… Oh… does that sound angry… well perhaps it sounds angry because I am angry…

I am angry over the creeping thieving inconsiderate behavior that has been all too evident on that place…

I am angry over the falsehoods that were told by those living there and spread on… I am angry over the neglect that ran amok… I am angry over what could have been yet never would have been because those involved flat refused to deal with their issues… I am sorry they never dealt with their issues in this lifetime and remained mired in a constant strife and war zone between themselves and others that loved them…. And love them still.

It is amazing … how different relationships can be… David and I did our best to lift each other up… we had each other’s backs whether we agreed with each other or not… such was the opposite … or seemed to be so between my mom and her 2 brothers… so much conflict… so much pain… carried on from childhood forward… May they be free from all the pain and strife of this life and spend their eternity in peace and joy.

Such a strange mixture of pain… grief… rage… loss… all stirred in with good memories as well… all coming to the surface… sometimes slowly… sometimes in a rush … like a flash flood in hilly country… all part of the healing… growth process…

It is time to lie down the anger… the out and out rage… the pain… make an effort to remember the good things… forgive the negatives… and allow myself to heal and move forward in my own journey….

May you walk in peace… 

Mary E. Robbins

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Yes you can... now just breathe...

Good Morning Peeps... Pominators ran out and back in... breakfast done... had bacon, sautéed yellow squash, and an egg with apple cider vinegar

Gonna have my first cup of coffee... and head to a soak in an Epsom salts bath... ok... yeah.. Just ouch... I am stiff and sore… but working in that Quonset was a major workout… and… we got so much of that cleared out… frankly I am amazed… of course there just had to be an episode… of panic attacks are us… geez… followed up by an overload of anxiety… seriously could have done without that… kinda knocked me sideways for most of the day… went and took some more rescue remedy and some coQ10… because my heart was racing… and headed back out to the Quonset…

Tough time trying to stay on task… kept losing focus… fortunately there was someone here to keep things rolling and on task… I can follow direction ok… well … pretty well when I’ve triggered… or rather in the aftermath of it… but trying to organize and stay on task without direction… is pretty … well… not much would have gotten done… as I tend to walk in a circle and stare at it…

Well I got through it… with help from a friend… a good friend to not freak out when this stuff happens… those of you that deal with this stuff … know what I mean.

At any rate … we got quite a bit done… I am physically sore… emotionally and mentally exhausted… but calm and stronger… and glad to be this far along with it… oh… and yes there is more to do… and yes I am going to keep moving forward with it… and probably have more panic attacks and emotional overloads… and still move on… healing as I go… facing this stuff… sorting through it… purging what is garbage… passing on what others can use … is cathartic…

Oh… that Quonset… is a 30 by 70 ft building that was full from the back to the front doors…

Taking it one step… one moment at a time…

Yes you can… now just breathe…

Mary E. Robbins
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Catharsis... Healing...

Hello Peeps…

Yesterday was an exhausting day… all in all it was a good day… but difficult… very painful… and exhausting. It was a day of cathartic healing… memories and pain dating all the way back to my early childhood bubbling to the surface… ripping out through my chest like a machete slicing from the inside… bursting out to be free… raw pain honed to an indescribable edge through years of submersion … hidden in memory or in that place beyond… moving into memory… and on…

My head hurts… and my body is totally exhausted…acutely painful…. miserable hard work … healing can be…

I understand why so many stay in denial… or keep pain buried carrying it on in depression as it festers below… yes I do… even though it is toxic stealing their very lives away…

Working your way through it … is confusing and overwhelming… the catharsis feels as if you are literally being ripped apart physically from the inside out…

So why do this… because through this healing… this catharsis… growth… on the other side of it is …. Freedom…

Sweet sweet freedom… freedom to live life…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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today has been a good day... closure... food discoveries...

Hello Peeps…

Lost Girl is playing on Netflix… just found a cockle-bur on my nightshirt… must have been on my sweatshirt I brushed up against it hanging on the back of a chair.

Today has been a remarkably good day… I lit my burn bin this morning… it was a cathartic burn… last night I went through the frig, and cupboards… and cleared out all of David’s and Mom’s meds. It was a purging… a release… before I lit the burn bin I took a newspaper and some sharpies and started writing… on page after page I wrote… after I wrote I lit the burn bin and took each page wadded it up and tossed it in… as I tossed in each page… I chose to release what was written on it… page after page burning to freedom…

After that I cleared some cockle-burs out of the chicken yards… did not get all of them… but part of them are gone… up in smoke with the rest of the burn bin…

Then It was fill the bird feeder… and on to feeding and watering the kennels… hairballs dancing about in the sun smiling Pominator eyes… and then happily chewing as they got their biscuits …

Came back in the house… did Hip Hop Abs… not as energetically as Shaun T was doing it but… I did it just the same… felt good to be making a positive step towards better health.

Ate something for lunch… you know I can not remember what…

Washed a couple loads of laundry… folded towels and put them away… got online and did some research… I am relearning how to eat… I thought I had a decent handle on it… not… I mean seriously nearly 54 years old and relearning how to eat healthily… I am so disgusted at what has happened to our food supply… foods that are supposed to be safe are a toxic mess of chemicals and crud. Yes I am a bit pissed…

I am very glad to be feeling better… but am amazed at how many products have gluten in them… I had already been cutting back on sugar as well… and got really determined to cut out even more… and am totally amazed at how many foods have sugar added… in however many different forms hidden here and there… even in some of the spice rubs… top that off with trying to go organic… and non gmo… and geesh!

Thinking this girl will be doing more gardening come spring time… the thing that really got me… is I keep chickens for fresh healthy eggs… and it dawned on me today… that we had more than likely been eating gmo eggs because of the feed I’d been feeding… good grief. Little bit frustrated… aw well… live and learn another day…

There is so much ill health connected to nutrition… or toxic substances in our food supplies… physical and mental both… 

Mary E. Robbins
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fog and firewood

There is a fine fog this morning… the temps have dropped low enough for a thin layer of ice to form on the welded wire panels that surround my yards…

Today I need to get firewood in the house… or it’s going to be a cold night in here with no heat… empty out ashes… want to get straw into the kitty kennel… I would like to have all the critter houses strawed today… but I know that is too much. .. so one step at a time…

Actually I have a whole list of to-dos for today… I used to beat myself up over not being able to get it all done and feel like an absolute failure… which accomplished absolutely nothing other than making myself miserable… perhaps I’ve gained a bit of wisdom… my attitude now is… I’ll do what I can do… that’s all there is… do a bit… rest a bit… do a bit … rest a bit… actually I end up getting more done that way than trying to tackle it all at once and beating myself up over imagined failures…

On an up note… I am breathing easier today… and not as exhausted.

Ok… here goes… first up… ashes out… firewood in… 

Mary E. Robbins
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Another day of Life... choices

Good morning Peeps…. Choosing to appreciate another day of life… there is a bird song concert going on in the trees… love that sound… gonna grab the cockatiel cage and set them outside for a bit… so they can enjoy the outside before any thunderstorms come up… glad that cage is not overly heavy… although when I first started carrying it outside and back in it felt like it was… hmmmmmm… suppose I’m getting physically stronger… this would be a good thing.

I was pretty exhausted most of the day yesterday… combination of emotional and physical exhaustion. Meeting via the phone with the rrb and my case manager the day before. In depth interview…. Looks positive but not counting on anything… which in itself is exhausting. Panic attack before meeting…. I still made it to my case manager’s office for the phone conference. Exhausted… rattled … but there… and able to actually speak… dealing with the rrb brings the trauma of losing David front and center… for several months I would lose my ability to speak when trying to deal with them…. And get very shocky… as in go into shock. Do not misinterpret… the lady we have been dealing with has been human and professional… it is not her… it’s the link up with the trauma.

Taking the omega 3’s have made a huge difference… boosting my serotonin levels… of course omega 3’s are not the only thing that effects serotonin levels… but in my case there was a marked change in the depth of depression I was having to deal with… of course I still miss my mom and my husband… as well as the friend that passed last weekend. However the overwhelming immobilizing depression that was stacked on top of the grief is lifting… I am coming back into myself…

Pretty amazing what a simple chemical imbalance can do… omega 3’s who’d a thought… glad I know now.

Yes there is still anxiety… and panic attacks… grief… sadness… but I am functioning… not caught in that swirling black hole of depression… whoop whoop! Raising the serotonin levels was huge… something else that is huge is making the choice as to focus. When my serotonin levels were too low… the depression was immobilizing… physically… emotionally… mentally… now that my chemical levels are in a better range… I am more able to choose my focus. Yes I am still working through things… of course I am… the difference… now I am able to work through things more …. Rather than being caught in a tide of misery and pain… immobilizing desolation. That is not something I miss… I can tell you that…

Each morning I am “making the choice” to appreciate the day… to give thanks for another day of life…. Sooooo… with that in mind…

Cloudy with a threat of thunderstorms here today… have the house kittens… Larry, Curly, and Mo, out in their kitty run… gonna have to take some more pics… I love the beautiful arch of their necks… beautiful characters they are… lol….

The mastiffs have had their breakfast… raw egg and kibble… the house Pominators are out zipping about the yard… doing their morning inspections… yes they check the yard perimeter… and everything in between…

I am having my breakfast… coffee with cinnamon and creamer… and a half a toasted blueberry bagel with cream cheese… no I am not starving myself… that is all I want right now… I will grab my vitamins and such and swallow them in a bit…

Planted my tomatoes yesterday… I have 6 large pots that I put 2 plants each in… don’t have my garden space prepped yet… sooooooo into the pots they went… noticed 2 more peonies that were planted last fall have come up…

I did get most of my cucumber patch cleared of grass… it’s cheat grass and field grass that comes back in each year… if I have enough energy this evening I will clear the rest of that patch… got some of the mustard weed mowed down… ugh… did as much as I could do and still get back into the house and take a bath… nose and throat were on fire… drank another shot of apple cider vinegar to stem the allergic reaction… as well as slow down the muscle spasms… I am either going to get stronger with more endurance … or be fertilizer somewhere in the field grass….. Focusing on getting stronger… healthier…

Heading out to freshen the dog waters… then a full day ahead…

May you walk in peace…. What do you see… a cracked sidewalk with a weed… or life bursting through the rubble… same picture… different view… your choice…

Mary E. Robbins
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Good morning peeps...

Good morning peeps... busy day today... having breakfast and some coffee...actually my breakfast came fresh out of the hen house... yes eggs not my chickens... and toast... freshened all the dog waters this morning... perfect morning... birds singing... wonderful temps ... has not heated up yet... lovely... could do without the wild mustard... sneeze sneeze...

Yesterday was a day of ups and downs... but I was given a gift... and I chose to accept it... the pleasure of seeing a bit of the life around us...

The mastiffs were barking last night at dusk… I stepped out to see what they were after… thought perhaps that snake had come back to the yards… if he/she had I wouldn’t know because I did not see a snake… what I did see standing on the crest of the ridge to the west was a herd of deer. We were looking at them… they were looking at us… I stepped back inside to get my camera and of course they were gone when I got back outside… was a treat to see them though.

May you walk in peace...

Mary E. Robbins

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Just Breathe...

Warning: there are ups and downs both in this writing… as well as observations…

There is no way around it… but through it…

It’s may 7th… rough start to another day… I am still here. My stomach hurts and I am very very sad. The yellow tulips are blooming by the west fence… the grape hyacinths are up… are some daffodils, holly hocks, and one planting of peony. But rather than looking at them and feeling happy… I see them and pain rips through my chest and the tears start again. It would be such a blessing to go to sleep and never wake again. I am so tired… soul weary…. Past bone weary. We were … the we being my case manager and I … were supposed to have a phone meeting with the rrb yesterday… something happened on their end and the meeting was postponed until the 14th of may. AAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

I do not want to leave these animals without their guardian in this life… but I don’t know how much longer I can last. I am so tired. Mow Mow Tat (black and white house cat) was watching me… she feels the pain and exhaustion. I had hoped to have answers on the retirement annuity yesterday… but that did not happen… I am so sorry … I am so sorry… I was entrusted with these creatures and I am failing them. I tried to study on line last night but just stared at the web page instead.

The woman from the rrb asked me what was different since David died. Really… what is different? What is different … what is different…

Where there was joy there is raw unending pain… where I was whole I am ripped asunder… with my very life force bleeding out. Where there was mutual support and caring… there is loss… and floundering… like a bird with one of it’s wings ripped off…. Have you ever seen a one winged bird fly.

Some say … you are strong… you can do this… others say you are just looking for sympathy… other’s tell me not to wallow to stand up and walk on…. Oh and yes… be thankful for the time that you had. A dear friend of mine said to me before David died … no matter how much time you’ve had it is never enough… She was speaking of her husband that had passed over 20 years ago… I did not understand what she meant at the time… I do now.

Some seem to think I am trying to do a… my pain is greater than your pain thing… seriously?! Get a friggen grip! My pain is bigger than your pain… nonsense… seriously?! Everyone’s walk is different… this is not about competition as to who’s pain is bigger… who is wiser… who is stronger… who is more depressed…

The scriptures talk about those praying for death and having to wait in this life… I understand that now. As to being strong… maybe… right now I do not feel strong… I feel ripped apart… the emotional stress and pain is tearing my physical body apart as well.

Wow… well that pretty much sums up the mornings…

May 8th:

Then I left for the day… with the intention of writing more when I got back home… what I did however was grab a bite to eat for supper and sit down on the couch and fall fast asleep… I woke when the movie I had playing stopped and the Pominators and Mastiffs howled to come in for the night…

This morning was another rough round… triggered by a daffodil/jonquil… there are some daffodils blooming along the fence line that I planted last fall for us to enjoy this spring. We… as in David and I always had this discussion… daffodils vs jonquils… I said that according to the bulb catalogs they were the same thing… he said they weren’t… just a silly little thing we chattered on about every time we saw them… lol… actually he called them … john-e-quills … makes me smile when I think of it…

Larry, Curly, and Mo are in their outdoor kitty run… I have a rope hanging from the top of it with a tough key toy on it… they go for it on the toy and climb to the top of the kitty run… it is 6 ft high, by 5 ft wide by 10 ft long… with a stump to claw on… 2 dog houses in it.. feed and water and tin on top to keep them in… actually to keep them safe as there are a number of ranch cats out here that would attack them if they were loose… so would the big dogs and many of the Pominators for that matter… they are getting used to the routine… out in the mornings back in at night… they come in curl up on a shelf in their indoor kitty condo and go to sleep… after some cuddles…

The cockatiels are outside this morning too… they love sitting outside in their cage singing with the rest of the birds. Sitting up on a platform under the evergreen tree in the front yard. I bring them back inside if I go anywhere… the winds/rains etc… can be pretty rough on them in that cage so I do not risk them… Pete is over 20 years old and Blue is not far behind…

I love hearing them chitter-chatter and sing along with the wild birds… even when they get to shrieking outside it is a pleasant sound to me… not so much when they are inside… sometimes I think they could shatter glass with that high pitch when they do the shriek thing.

How long does this process last… hmmmm…. I don’t know… I would hazard to say… as long as it lasts… the rest of this lifetime in some degree or form. Is this a bad thing… no… it is neither bad nor good… it just is.

I remember when my grandmother died (my mom’s mom) in October 1969. The mom that I knew before grandma’s physical death disappeared… and never came back. Actually that is not true… I got to see her again for a day when she was in the hospital with sepsis this past year before she died. Was she wallowing for 40 plus years… no she was not…

Grandma was her anchor and she blamed herself for Grandma’s passing… in truth I blamed myself for Grandma’s passing as well… when it was only her time to move on and neither of us had the power to hold Grandma here longer than her appointed time… just like I could not hold David here longer than his appointed time… as hard as I tried… a realization thorough writing…

Just the same … my mother punished herself until the day she died… denying herself happiness…peace… joy… positive relationships… for any prolonged period of time… another realization through writing….

My Uncle Gene as well… when Grandma passed he was no longer the same. He had already lost his wife and unborn child in an auto accident… then it seemed Grandma was his anchor. After her passing he could be… or rather was… the most wonderful man one minute… like John Wayne in the old movies… then flip to Freddie Krueger on a bad acid trip the next minute… then back again. He would give you the shirt off his back… then he would flip and grind you into the ground with it… he never made it through the loss pain and rage… not in this life…

Both of them are free now… as they have both passed out of this life. I hope he got to meet his unborn child of so many years ago… just as I hope to meet mine when I cross over…

When my Aunt Marty’s partner of so many years… over 40 years… I am not sure of the full length of time they were together… but for as long as I can remember… when she passed on to the other side… my beloved Aunt’s physical health started to fail. I remember Aunt Marty telling me how she walked by Gladys room… knowing she was no longer there… but still looking into her room expecting to find her there… Gladys’s health had been failing for some time and Aunt Marty had been taking care of her. It wasn’t but a year or 2 later that Aunt Marty crossed over as well… she sold their house in Texas and went to live with some friends in Virginia for her last years… now she is free of the constraints of this life…

(I will have no judgments on this page… it is not for you to say what another person’s walk should or should not be… it is up to that person… and their personal beliefs… so before you jump on saying what should or should not be… read your own scriptures regarding judging others…each of us has our own path to walk in this life… and no path is identical to the other)

I write … because I write… it is part of who I am. Part of my journey in this life is searching and growing… much of that is done through writing. Do I post everything that I write… no I do not. The swings of grief sadness to happiness yes I have been posting parts of that… the rage that goes from the heat of the surface of the sun… to the depths of the coldest ice in space… no I have not been posting. When it is on the hot end of the spectrum… all the emotions are present… burning in their intensity… when it flips to the cold side there is a cold calm that eliminates all pain and conscience… effectively eliminating all constraints.

Of course there is fear as well… that has been seeping through the writing… as well as courage… courage is not the lack of fear… it is moving forward… or standing fast… or sometimes writhing in pain… sometimes swathed in fear… it is what it is…

Some of you will recognize this… and some of you will not… I have not been posting the rage… because it tends to feed the flame whether hot or icy… and it spreads from person to person like a runaway forest fire burning… consuming… all in its path…

Why am I writing and posting this now… because someone out there needs to know that they are not alone in this… wherever … whatever… they are steeped in… they need to know… they are not alone… the only way around it… is through it… take another breath… it…the emotion… the process… shifts… and moves like the currents in a lake/ocean… or the winds on the surface of the earth… breathe again… and know that you are not alone… no you are not the same person you used to be… no you will never be the same again… you are changing… you are growing… no it is not a pleasant process… it is what it is… yes you can do this… you are doing this… breathe…

The rage… pain… joy… tears… let yourself feel it… embrace the turmoil… you are changing… breathe… the only way around it is through it… you can come through it…


Mary E. Robbins
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I am up an awake. Last night I had a pretty decent night. Just calm… was a relief. Well was a relief until a nightmare then forget it. In the dream there was this beautiful orange long haired cat. It was lying on the laundry. I was washing and drying clothes. I put clothes in the washer… then the dryer… and someone was asking me where that cat was. I didn’t know… then I got this awful feeling and ran to the dryer and started pulling clothes out… that once beautiful cat was now broken and almost dead. I hadn’t meant to hurt it… I was just doing the laundry… I would never deliberately hurt anything or anyone like that… it’s leg was broken… it and it was really beat up… lying limp in my arms… then I woke up…

I don’t really know the significance of the dream… even if there actually is one… I just know that it affected me. It seems so many times we are just doing what needs to be done… or what we think needs to be done and inadvertently hurt those around us … either physically or emotionally … my mom and I hurt each other so many times over the years… neither one of us intending to… Mom is at peace on the other side now… I love her and always will…

Ok calming down now… guess that was what needed to be written…

May you walk in peace… one day at a time…

Mary E. Robbins
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The Greatest Gift...

What a gift this has been....

Good Morning … A study in grays is spreading across the eastern horizon… singing out in the still cold of the morning… the sun is coming… the sun is coming. The fire is dancing and caressing the wood in the stove… keeping the 0 degrees F temperatures at bay. Casting it’s dancing orange light across the floor in the morning dark…

Toasted whole grain bagel with cream cheese and coffee for breakfast… unfortunately had a coughing gagging choking … what to call it… episode… there that fits it… an episode of choking on skuck … I took some generic musinex sinus to thin it down and reduce the nasal swelling. Would be nice to be rid of that mess… but getting it up out of my lungs is exhausting… and frankly a bit scary. I really hate choking. When I get upset it is always worse… and for some odd reason I’ve been upset quite a lot lately. Mornings are the hardest. I miss my David the worst in the mornings… I used to go in and check on him and just stand and watch him sleep. I loved to watch him sleep… whether it was in the bed or in his recliner. I would hold my breath and listen to him breathe.

My aloof black and white house cat, Mow Mow Tat, has been coming up to me and standing on her hind feet and hugging me with her paws… purring and cuddling up to me as I set at the desk. This is a new development since David’s physical passing. All of us miss him… human, animal, and bird as well… Blue Boy, cockatiel, does his little David dance and talks to him… makes me wonder… how is it that they can see him and we … as in humans can not… of course there is another thought on the heals of that one… what if he is just doing his dance trying to call him… I don’t think so though… I’ve heard these birds mourn before. When Pete’s mate… Prissy died he screamed and cried for days… weeks… I thought he was going to die as well… that was when we brought Blue boy home… Blue boy was getting beat up at my mom’s place. The birds he was in with were attacking him… Well Pete and Blue argued too… but it shifted Pete’s focus from mourning to being pissed at the newcomer in his home.

They still fuss at each other like 2 little feathered grumpy old men… but they are friends now as well. They hang out on the side of their cage and watch television.

My lungs hurt this morning… I suppose that coughing fit could have been prompted by breathing the cold air yesterday. I do not have a cold or flu… and frankly at this point I am not sure just how these lungs would handle one. More likely it was prompted by me being upset. It seems when the emotion sidecars me so does the coughing.

I am going to make a list with descriptions of the animals and the kennel runs they are in… so if I do have a coughing episode and can not clear my air passage at least someone will be able to know the names of the dogs. The dogs will have a rough time of it if I cross over as well.

Many of them are aged already… such loving souls. Honest loving souls… they are who they are… not subterfuge no twisted games like people play. I was so blessed to have a relationship with a man… my Husband… My David… that did not play psyche games with me. He was so straightforward with me… no trying to figure out what motives were there… such a relief… no here it is… let me take it away … oh no here it is… oops leverage… plain and simple… he loved me… he still loves me… and I love him… always will.

Well I think that’s my ramble for this morning… lungs are still aching but I’m not coughing… need to wash the dog bedding today… they want out… but I am going to try and hold off until it is at least a bit above zero… I’m thinking I am going to have some messes to clean up. That’s me… senior pooper scooper… on dog doodie duty…

May you walk in peace…

Another day In this life after my husband passed

picture is the view to the southeast from my front yard this morning

Major coughing fit this morning. Sad this morning…. Said grace as I was going to eat breakfast and started crying again. David always said grace….and he used to reach out to take my hand. Chest hurts this morning… I am sitting at the table and I can hear the big dogs snoring. Trying to eat my breakfast… kinda slow going… having a half a cup of old fashioned oatmeal with walnuts, apple pie spice, apples, raisins, and ground flax seed… and a cup of coffee.

The sun is not up yet… totally dark on the eastern horizon. Wow! According to weather.com it is 30 degrees F outside. That is so much easier on the animals… me too for that matter. Although this morning I am having a rather hard time finding much joy in anything.

I cooked enough oatmeal to last probably a week… I’ll just microwave servings as I go along. I figured I would be more apt to eat something nutritious if it was fixed and in the frig…. ½ cup at a time. I know it’s fine I’ve fixed it like this innumerable times for the 2 of us…. This morning I managed to eat ½ cup pushing down my gag reflex with each bite.

I took some saint johns wort… it should help me even out a bit. I promised to take my cousin and her mom into town to get supplies for the month. Their vehicle is not reliable and my truck is working fine. Just the thought of going into that store is enough to make my chest tighten. I am going to take some more saint johns wort before I leave… keeping the dosages low and spreading them out. I need to pick up a load of feed for the dogs as well. The animals need to be taken care of whether I feel like crawling in a hole or not.

The eastern sky is starting to lighten… streaks of gray are spreading across it… Time to greet the day… give thanks for another day of life… yes that is a conscious choice… give praise for the granting of another day…

David and I… or rather David had agreed to start Tai Cheng with me… ok… so here goes… I am starting Tai Cheng today. It’s amazing just how difficult it can be to tear a little plastic wrapper off a set of dvds. Not because the plastic was so tough… but because we were to do this together. Perhaps we still can… one in physical… one in spirit.

If I am to continue in this life in this body… then doing what can be done to heal and strengthen this body needs to be done… so here goes… Tai Cheng.

A bit later: Well… I DID IT! I did day one of Tai Cheng. Need to make a video of the initial testing… do not know how to do that… so here comes another learning experience. Need to take beginning of 90 day series photos as well and measurements. David used to take those pics for me. You know there was nothing in our lives that was not integrated with one another or interrelated. Makes this adjustment extremely difficult… but also is a huge part of what made our marriage work. We were truly partners in every sense of the word. There was a constant give and take between us. Frankly I never realized how much until now.

Clean dirt in for the kitties… that was interesting… I am out of kitty litter so I tried to dig up some soil… managed to scrape up some… that ground is certainly frozen…

Off to take Auntie and Cuz into town.

Emotions swinging like a pendulum… but I am up and moving…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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