not so cheery

Sorry not so cheery this morning…Woke up tired… lost and afraid…after being woken up numerous times by the Pominators throughout the time I was trying to sleep.  This howling thing they are doing in the night has to stop.  I am really tired … feel as if I could fall asleep writing. I’d get to sleep… they’d wake me up… get them quieted down… go back to sleep… and they’d start in again… now they are completely quiet.

The wind is blowing … and it is wet outside… 29 degrees according to weather.com.  The sky is overcast and leaden… I hear the wind chimes singing their song in the wind. 

Mornings are the worst… I miss my husband desperately… and become very afraid.  Perhaps that is happening because I am not able to get decent rest.  It would be nice to be able to just sleep without being woken up with howling.  I know they miss him too…. But they are pushing me past the brink of exhaustion.  My stomach hurts… I suppose I am hungry.  Ok… I am going to go make myself a cup of coffee and eat something…

 Later in the day today… made the cup of coffee… ate a bite of a whole grain muffin. Listened to a conference call. Took some notes… cried some more… Trying to move forward. Looked at my left hand and started to cry again. David loved seeing my wedding rings on my hand and for 10 years I had not been able to wear them. I thought it was from fat… but it turned out to be swelling from Nexium. (and some other proton pump inhibitors) I am so sorry I did not catch it sooner so he could have enjoyed them on my hand more… He wore his ring all the time. I loved seeing it on his hand.. I loved watching him work with his hands. He was so deliberate… and careful. I miss his hands. When we were on the trains together I used to watch him filling out the paperwork… when we walked across the street… he always put out a hand to protect me… or put his hand on my arm or back.

Truth be told… I do not want to move forward… moving forward without my husband by my side is the very last thing I want to do. There is the truth of it. Moving forward seems like I am saying that our time together… our commitment to one another did not matter. David mattered more… matters more to me than anything…so how can I say that. Hmmmm… perhaps the concept needs to be altered… rather than leaving David and our relationship behind… moving forward carrying our love with me… until we meet again on the other side... Frankly I still do not want to move on without him with me physically… but it seems I have no choice in the matter… it’s either move on… tough that you don’t like it… or sit in a hellish mire of torn emotions driving yourself totally insane in this life… frankly both options are not as I would have it… but it is as it is…

When I was crying the Pominators started howling… I wonder if I am crying or moaning in my sleep if that is why they are howling… they are mourning and crying along with me… The Pominators that are waking me up are in the house… of course the outside crews join in too…

Evening… I managed to get a nap between 11 and 12 with Sara (bullmastiff) on the couch… felt better for an hour of sleep…. the day got better as I got busier. Got a phone call from a friend asking me to help out today. I crated up the Pominators and Mastiffs and headed over to their shop. Visited with grief counselor for an hour today as well. Good conversation…. We discussed the differences between yesterday and today. She told me it often went this way… have a good day … then the next is like this morning was. Part of the process of walking through this massive life adjustment.

Frankly before this happened… this… being David’s physical death… I had absolutely no idea. I’ve had other friends that have lost their husbands over the years… people that really loved … each other… I had no concept of what they were actually going through. I realize everyone’s walk is different in this life… but there is substantial common ground in this situation.

Had scrambled eggs with a bit of bacon and potato for supper… quick easy meal… but I did cook… thinking I will bank the wood stove for the night and go to bed… perchance to sleep…

Mary E. Robbins

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Sand Hills Cranes...and Memories

Today … this morning anyway it is a sunny spring day… with clouds sprinkled across the sky. I heard this sound as I was taking the Pominators outside and getting a sheet of tin to go along the side of the cat run. For a bit I did not recognize what it was. I said to myself. David would know what that is. I kept listening and the memory of him telling me what it was came back to me. It was the cranes. Flying high in the sky and calling. I remembered a story he told me about him and his brother Gary sitting out on the front step or lying there… with binoculars watching the cranes as kids. The cranes so high in the sky you could barely see them… David truly loved his family…he was so glad of any time they could have together… cherishing the memories… telling the stories to keep the memories alive…

I went in the house and picked up the binocular case… moving his hat in the process…. And took the case outside. I gently pulled the binoculars out of the case and looked at the cranes… watching them fly in swooping circles as a group… listening to their calls…

I’ve lost the sound of David’s voice. I panicked … with all the tech that is available… there is no recording of his voice. I can hear the wonderful words he said to me… and feel the love … but the sound of his voice… then I realized … I heard him this morning in the calls of the sand hills cranes… in the sound of the pheasants as they call and fly… in the rumble of the coal trains … in the barking of our dogs… even in the silence…

 I was weeping and crying for peace this morning… asking God over and over…. Then I heard it in my head as I was fastening the gate latches on the upper dog yard…. You have to accept it. … peace is available… you have to accept it…

It never occurred to me that I was rejecting peace… tearing myself apart in agony and grief… David’s time in this physical life is done. At this point in time I can not see myself as being accepting of that. It seems my time in this life is not yet at an end. Without my husband here… I am not thrilled about that either… that said… if I am to continue in this life… as it seems it is for me to do… the pain… depression… chaos… that has been tearing my very being apart must cease.

I am literally tearing myself apart. Peace is there… healing is there… I have to accept it… choose to heal…

Thank You for Peace...

Mary E. Robbins
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good morning... I think

Good morning... I am up... and had some cereal and coffee for breakfast. Meeting with grief counselor yesterday... today it is meetings with case manager ... frankly I'd like to just crawl in a hole and sleep until it's time for me to cross over and join David... but then that would not get the animals here taken care of.

Looks like the 2 hollyhocks I planted last year made it through the winter... there are daffodils... or rather jonquils as David always called them are coming up... along with some tulips... maybe there will be some flowers...

Actually the way David said jonquils... was Johnny Quills ... just one of those cute little quirks... I miss him so much...

The birds are singing outside today...

Mary E. Robbins
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Mornings have become the hardest

Mornings have become the hardest... overwhelming sadness and grief... I talked to someone I thought was a friend... perhaps they were trying to be... I don't know... but I have been having nightmares ever since I spoke with her. Decisions have been next to impossible to make since David's death... it's like I am frozen in place... afraid doubting every choice... decision I have ever made...

I see my therapist and a case manager today... somehow I must make myself get in my jeep and drive to their offices... i am so afraid... I had dreams and goals before David died... I was actually functioning on a somewhat consistent level... all that changed in the split second it took for his time in this life to be over... I could not resuscitate his body... I tried and tried until the ambulances got here...  it seems when a person's time is up ... there is no getting them back into that body... why is he gone and i am still here... stuck in place... non functional ... doubting every choice... filled with pain and desolation...

I am still here and do not have the release to go... I have felt that release before when my body was dying from a bowel blockage... staying in this life without him is not my preferred choice... neither is leaving without having that release... so now what?????

I do not have the answer to that just yet... perhaps I don't have to have the answer to that... perhaps it is just moment by moment.  Maybe that is ok... it's going to have to be ok... because that is all I can do at this point... truthfully I think that is all I could ever do... just moment by moment... no matter how many plans and goals were made... it still boils down to moment by moment...

This moment I choose to appreciate the sunshine... even though it is 23 degrees F outside.

This moment I choose to go and get on my stationary bike and ride for a bit.

I am still here... breathing... yes I am still afraid... yes I am still grieving... yes there is a huge black cloud of depression surrounding me... and so much doubt...

But... I can still choose... it's ok if it's not a perfect choice... now to the bicycle...


Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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Musings...

Coughing again this morning. Not quite as bad as yesterday… drank some apple cider vinegar and hot water… that seemed to help clear the mucus out of my throat… had my honey as well… took some generic musinex sinus and 2 aspirin.

Not much for breakfast… part of an English muffin toasted with butter and a bit of grape jelly… probably 2/3 of it… gave the rest to Sara and Diesel.

Thought the washer quit working… turned out to be the plug in electrical tail I was using… thank God for that… at any rate it is working now.

Ran into the widow of a good friend yesterday. She is the wife of the gentleman that used to be our UPS driver that came out to the ranch. Over the years we had become good friends. His body died of pancreatic cancer shortly after he retired. They found out he had it… and 6 weeks later he was gone. He crossed over 2 years ago… I can still see his smiling face when he came with packages and visited a bit… looking at the pom puppies.

It was obvious from visiting with her yesterday that they were best friends and truly loved each other. It is such a gift to have friendship and love like that in this life… on the flip side it is so… what word covers it… there really are none. When they move on ahead and we are still in this life. I miss David so much… feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest…

Ok… just breathe… one breath then another… calm… Here comes another day.

It’s so strange how these bodies react to this kind of stress….not just in humans either. I remember when Miss Priss died. … she was a female cockatiel. She and Pete had been together for years. He went into screaming crying mourning for weeks… he was so devastated that I thought he was going to die….we accepted another cockatiel from my mom that was being picked on and brought him home and put him in the cage with Pete… hoping that having some other bird company would help him. They grumped and fussed at each other… and eventually got along. Now they are 2 grumpy old men hanging out watching TV.

Yes, Pete and Blue hang on the side of their cage and watch TV. Both of them are mourning David… he loved those birds….and always visited with them when he took their sleeping cover off. Pete and Blue, have been together now for …. Geez the time has all run together… well nearly 10 years… Pete has been with us nearly 20. Pete and Priss loved each other… and were together before they came to be with us as well…. Guess I’ll go turn on the morning show for them that they and David used to watch… HLN or CNN… he would flip back and forth, watching them both. He enjoyed Robin Meade and Natasha Curry.

He was so happy that he no longer had to always be on alert for a call from the railroad. He was out there between 36 and 37 years. He was really good at his work… I know this because I worked with him years back. The man knew his stuff.

He loved trains; he and Jerry would go and see the steam engines when they came through. He knew so much about the various engines. I liked to watch the train programs on TV with him and hear him tell about the engines. I had gotten him a couple of Train trip DVDs for Christmas this year… and of course gave them to him early… I always seemed to do that… give him whatever I’d gotten for him as soon as it came in …. Rather than keeping things for holidays and such. Anyway, one DVD was across the United States, and the other was across Canada. It was fun watching them with him.

We talked about how it would be a fun trip… and how when we were feeling better maybe we could go on one of them. Guess he took a different trip.

Another friend’s husband died this week. Another partnership ended early… seems like whenever one goes before the other the partnership is ended early for this life no matter what the actual age is. My thoughts and prayers go out to her.

This life is certainly an ever changing landscape from birth… through childhood… teen years… young adult… middle age… seniors and exit… of course one never knows when that exit is going to slip in there. For my child it was before birth. Just had a few precious moments with his wonderful soul… yes I could feel his presence. No I am not sure the body would be male… doesn’t matter… I look forward to reuniting on the other side… I wonder … has my mom gotten to meet her grandchild now… I hope so. She was so excited… had just bought a baby book … we had just seen his heart beat and listened to it… then our time with him was over and in a rush of hemorrhage he was gone from this life… mom would have been a wonderful grandma to him. She did great with my youngest step son… the older ones didn’t want anything to do with either of us. Broke my heart … broke mom’s heart… and broke David’s heart.

I guess I just do not understand why people are … hmmmmm… how to say this… if someone you love is happy… why not celebrate their happiness. I’ve never understood that. Whether it’s friend or family… whomever the loved one is… celebrate their joy… it takes nothing away from you… in actuality it increases the joy and love in your own life…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Beachbody Health and Fitness Coach
Robbins Run Ranch

Heading out to do ranch rounds...

Heading out to do ranch rounds ... the air is filled with wonderful moisture.... makes it so much easier to breathe. Lighting up the burn bin before the rain/snows start... that is if they start... at any rate the wind is not blowing and the bin will be burned down to ash once again... then checking for eggs and feeding the chickens... and on to the kennels... for a full on feed and water... stock up their feeders for several days... the pominators anyway... the big dogs is a daily thing because their feed pans are outside and giving them more just feeds the birds... yes the birds have feed available... but they sure like the dog food...

then I am heading for the wood pile to bring in 2 or 3 carts of wood. At least that is the plan... I'll refill the wood ring then refill the cart and set it beside the table... really do not like burning wet wood... so here is hoping I get enough in to last through the forecast storms...

It is a wonderful 40 degrees F outside with now wind and an overcast sky... I heard doves calling this morning... their sound always makes me think of late summer when I was a child… I remember hearing them call from the huge cottonwoods that lined the dirt lane I grew up on. Loved those trees… but their sound always heralded the end of the summer season. In my mind I can see the green of the cotton wood leaves… and hear their rustle above. It was always cooler under those trees than the Chinese elms. Such shiny beautiful leaves… mom used to tell me to leave grandma’s dog … Frisky alone during what she called the dog days of summer… the dog days being when it was so hot they got irritable… He was a black and white terrier dog… I remember grandma with her long hair is shades of silver and gray… her coffee mug with the coffee hound inside of it… Her house was always so clean… I do not to this day know how she did that… I’ve always loved a clean organized house… but have never had the knack for it… perhaps I can develop it yet…

She had hollyhocks… and petunias… pink single roses… and white flowers I can not remember the name of now… oh yes and white asters that had tiny flowers by the multitudes and grew taller than I was at the time…Grandma had blue eyes… she make me the prettiest dresses to start the first day of school in when I was a little girl.. and little short sets with flowers on them to wear in the summers… I hope she and mom are having a wonderful time on the other side… I miss them both…

I planted flowers here last fall… I hope they make it… tulips, 4’oclocks, bachelor buttons, morning glories, peonies, crocus, iris, daylilies, stargazer lilies, bearded iris, dutch iris, daffodils… or jonquils as my husband always called them.

I hope they grow and thrive and bloom and that David can see them too. I looked at a seed catalog yesterday. Then couldn’t stand it and just left it on the table…. David had been talking to his brother in law about having a garden together. Probably would never have happened… but he was so happy talking about it.

We had been talking about planting some mulberries, cherries, black berries, and raspberries. Probably more tasty treats for the grasshoppers… but we were going to give it a go. When he was here… as in alive and home from the railroad he made an effort to help till the ground… and dig the holes for the trees to go into. We set out 3 aspen last fall… He had such an awful time with his skin when he was out in the green growth… his hands would break out something awful… he tried anyway…

Last summer he got me a fly fishing rig… then we didn’t make it back out to try it out… the summer got so hot that we stayed home and watched Gunsmoke in the air conditioning. Both of us loved that series.

Ok… going to stop rambling for a bit and head out the door… today everything is bringing David to mind… I’m thinking there may be more rain coming from my eyes than from the skies today… aw well… perhaps this is as it should be.

I have to trust that it was David’s time to cross over… This thought came to me as I was sitting in the recliner gasping for breath after a particularly nasty coughing episode a day or 2 ago. My lungs were on fire and I was borderline on passing out and I became worried for the mastiffs and the rest of the crew. The mastiffs were loose in the house and there was no way they would allow anyone to get into the house to take care of them if I were to cross over… then the thought came… ok… there is nothing I can do about this… if I am to cross over I will just have to trust that it is my time to do so and all is as it was meant to be…. Then I heard in my head… the same is for David… Just trust, and allow yourself to walk in peace.

On that note… I am heading out the door…. Ranch rounds and all that… oh yeah… I saw a bald eagle fly over yesterday as I walked to the mailbox… and listened to the sweet sounds of bird song this morning … David had lost that range of hearing… he could no longer hear their sweet song after so many years of screaming steel on steel from the steel train wheels on the steel track… I am thinking he can hear them now…

Mary E. Robbins
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The Greatest Gift...

What a gift this has been....

Good Morning … A study in grays is spreading across the eastern horizon… singing out in the still cold of the morning… the sun is coming… the sun is coming. The fire is dancing and caressing the wood in the stove… keeping the 0 degrees F temperatures at bay. Casting it’s dancing orange light across the floor in the morning dark…

Toasted whole grain bagel with cream cheese and coffee for breakfast… unfortunately had a coughing gagging choking … what to call it… episode… there that fits it… an episode of choking on skuck … I took some generic musinex sinus to thin it down and reduce the nasal swelling. Would be nice to be rid of that mess… but getting it up out of my lungs is exhausting… and frankly a bit scary. I really hate choking. When I get upset it is always worse… and for some odd reason I’ve been upset quite a lot lately. Mornings are the hardest. I miss my David the worst in the mornings… I used to go in and check on him and just stand and watch him sleep. I loved to watch him sleep… whether it was in the bed or in his recliner. I would hold my breath and listen to him breathe.

My aloof black and white house cat, Mow Mow Tat, has been coming up to me and standing on her hind feet and hugging me with her paws… purring and cuddling up to me as I set at the desk. This is a new development since David’s physical passing. All of us miss him… human, animal, and bird as well… Blue Boy, cockatiel, does his little David dance and talks to him… makes me wonder… how is it that they can see him and we … as in humans can not… of course there is another thought on the heals of that one… what if he is just doing his dance trying to call him… I don’t think so though… I’ve heard these birds mourn before. When Pete’s mate… Prissy died he screamed and cried for days… weeks… I thought he was going to die as well… that was when we brought Blue boy home… Blue boy was getting beat up at my mom’s place. The birds he was in with were attacking him… Well Pete and Blue argued too… but it shifted Pete’s focus from mourning to being pissed at the newcomer in his home.

They still fuss at each other like 2 little feathered grumpy old men… but they are friends now as well. They hang out on the side of their cage and watch television.

My lungs hurt this morning… I suppose that coughing fit could have been prompted by breathing the cold air yesterday. I do not have a cold or flu… and frankly at this point I am not sure just how these lungs would handle one. More likely it was prompted by me being upset. It seems when the emotion sidecars me so does the coughing.

I am going to make a list with descriptions of the animals and the kennel runs they are in… so if I do have a coughing episode and can not clear my air passage at least someone will be able to know the names of the dogs. The dogs will have a rough time of it if I cross over as well.

Many of them are aged already… such loving souls. Honest loving souls… they are who they are… not subterfuge no twisted games like people play. I was so blessed to have a relationship with a man… my Husband… My David… that did not play psyche games with me. He was so straightforward with me… no trying to figure out what motives were there… such a relief… no here it is… let me take it away … oh no here it is… oops leverage… plain and simple… he loved me… he still loves me… and I love him… always will.

Well I think that’s my ramble for this morning… lungs are still aching but I’m not coughing… need to wash the dog bedding today… they want out… but I am going to try and hold off until it is at least a bit above zero… I’m thinking I am going to have some messes to clean up. That’s me… senior pooper scooper… on dog doodie duty…

May you walk in peace…