Thursday, October 31, 2013

Halloween 2013





Happy Halloween Peeps!

Just a bit of Halloween poetry… or is it.. hehehehehe….

A witches’ brew…
and turnip stew…
the ghosts and goblins…
are coming for you…

the veil is thin…
to see you again…
do you.. do you…
remember when…

a black cat’s arch…
witches cape all starched…
out we go…
 
to see them march… 



May the Spirits Guide you...
Mary E. Robbins



Later in the day....

The firewood is in… big dogs watered and fed… everyone outside got treats… chickens have quit laying… here’s hoping they will start again… soon… but then my girls are getting old for chickens… fed the quackers (buff ducks) and dumped their water tank and refilled it… they are certainly a chatty bunch…

Larry went to the vet on Tuesday… picked him up yesterday… he seems to be doing fine. Hated to do it… but had him neutered… since he shares residence with his two sisters… He is such a beautiful orange and white tiger striped boy… with a kind loving heart… when I went in to get him at the vets and said his name he meowed and rubbed up against the front of his crate… he was very happy to get home… even without his studly equipment…

Managed to get 2 carts of firewood in… I actually cooked some dinner tonight… prepped some extra to have over the next few days… bacon/hamburgers, no buns… stir fried a veggie mix…corn/greenbeans/carrots… cooked up the rest of the bacon to use in bacon/lettuce/tomato salads… made some salad dressing and put it in the cupboard to marinate… washed some dishes… geez I had a mess…still do but not quite as much…

Listening to Mow Mow Tat purr… love that sound… the Pominators and Mastiffs are in for the night… and all quiet in their beds… the wind is howling around the house… well actually more of a roar than a howl…

Wanted to answer some messages… but truth be told I am just tired… took an emotional downswing this evening and just do not have it in me. Not ignoring anyone… just physically and emotionally exhausted.

Talked with my cousin today… she is in the middle of some… shall we say drama drama drama… ugh… no thank you. I am so very glad I am not in the middle of it.

Pete (cockatiel) was just chattering away… no music on.. no tv on … and I am in a different room… he is still chattering… he used to do this when David would stand in front of their cage and talk to him… I wonder how much they can see that we can not… I’ve felt presences about all day… with memories floating to the surface… of mom and David both… mom in dreams last night… David in memories so strong today that I could almost see him standing inside the gate as I was walking down the hill from taking care of the animals…

It is truly a blessing… but totally exhausting physically and emotionally as well… no I am not sending anyone away… I value their presence… Samhain/Halloween is my favorite day/night of the year… has been ever since I was a very little girl… no not because of the candy… lol…

I don’t know why it is… but the sound and feel (vibration) of Mow Mow Tat’s purring is so calming to me… peaceful…

Thinking I am going to enjoy my evening coffee… get these compression pants… off… off… off… glad I’ve got them … but so very glad to get them off…. Ugh… stick my feet up and watch a movie… thinking I’ll watch “After Earth” it came in the mail from Netflix the other day… love that line… “Danger is real… fear is a choice”… there is a lot of truth in that…

Ok… where’s that dvd…
Later taters…


Gratitudes:
Mow Mow Tat's Purr
Sara and Diesel on the Porch
Dinner



Wednesday, October 30, 2013

emotional storms and thoughts...





It is early morning the sun is not yet breaking the eastern horizon… as I begin to write. Coffee’s been brewed… wheat toast eaten… firewood loaded into the woodstove to keep the chill at bay… Mow Mow Tat is celebrating mama (that would be me) being home and is dashing about playing… the Pominators and Mastiffs are howling their desire to go outside and do their business… just as soon as they have they will be howling to come back inside with the cold chill in the air… it seems my internet connection is down… hmmmmm… will reset the modem again and see if that helps… if not will call them when their office opens. (internet connection is back up…yay!) The phone rang… yes before the sun was up… some miss-dial from a soul in Virginia …

When the phone rings early or late it still puts me on alert… so many years of either calls for David to go out on the trains… emergency calls regarding my mother… and/or the constant wariness of a call from the railroad when David was out on a train… with dread news or some emergency regarding him…

I remember more than one emergency call … crisis regarding David… crisis that could have been avoided had the side effects of one simple blood pressure medicine been caught… either by David’s doctors… or by me… all of us missed it until it was too bloody late. I wonder now if the information was even available when the drug was prescribed… I don’t know. The blood pressure med that David was prescribed had a side effect of increasing blood sugar levels in type II diabetics.

We fought and fought to bring and keep David’s blood sugars in line… failing again and again… all the time the blood pressure med he was on was in actuality increasing his sugar levels… while the insulin was dropping them… resulting in wild and erratic blood sugar swings… from very high to very low…

Who’d a thought a blood pressure med was the culprit… obviously not the doctors because they never did catch it… I saw the information on the drug’s website after he had been on said medication for years… I missed it too… until then… I wonder now if the info was there all along… or if it was a recent addition… I don’t know…

I do know that the extreme sugar swings took a serious toll on my beloved husband… I am so sorry I missed it… I did my best with what I knew at the time… and I failed…

The sun has since risen… although you can not see it shining in the sky… all is overcast…cold…wet and gray…

Woke up with a swelled throat and a monstrous headache…twisting through waves of panic and grief. This was a morning exercise that I could have seriously done without.

Ya think that the storms have faded into calm… or passed to a point… then wham… here we go again… gale force emotional winds… hailstones as big as houses made up of lost time and frozen regrets… of what could have been and never will be…

I am but 53 years of age… well until February 2014 … and perchance I am wrong… but I believe I have received a bit of insight as to why there is so much sadness and depression in nursing homes. Strong vibrant souls… others exhausted seeking rest… trapped in failing bodies… looking back over the years… missing those that have gone on before… rehashing choices… thinking what if… or what could have been…

Of course this activity is not limited to those in nursing homes… or even near the end of their days in this life… seems to run rampant through our minds from near birth to the end of our days in this life…

Pointless exercise in futility… the what if’s… the coulda woulda shoulda’s the mourning of paths not taken… if this or that had been done differently would there have been a different outcome… perhaps a kinder outcome… perhaps not… if I had understood then … what a difference it would have made… or would have it…

The.. oh I understand now… when a realization comes to fruition… and that person has since passed out of this life… and the ensuing grief over the lack of understanding … over what could have been…

Or the sadness over years lost to misunderstandings…

The dog laundry just finished washing… put it in the dryer… looked outside again… the sun is peaking through… yay! Water droplets glistening on the fence wires…

May you have a blessed day…


Mary E. Robbins
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Gratitudes: 
1. the sun is trying to shine through the clouds
2. warm fire in the wood stove
3. coffee... 


Saturday, October 26, 2013

Happy Anniversary David! I've got your roses...








I’m up…. And I’m awake…

Gratitudes: the sun is shining, hot black coffee, fever broke and I slept and slept and slept last night…

Exhaustion, soreness, and fever seem to follow episodes of Panic attacks. I am thinking it must be related to the massive adrenalin dump that occurs during the panic attack.  Frankly I did not think this was going to happen this time around since the panic attack was reigned in pretty quickly with rescue remedy.

That muscle soreness is worse than the aftermath of a long distance race or a heavy weight workout. Yes back in the day I did both. My body seriously goes into flight or fight mode… every fiber is ready to either flee or attack … and then it shuts off any pain from injuries… (oh yes I feel them later…with a vengeance)

I am thinking that is why the tattoo did not hurt. He was working on it for over 2 hours and I just sat there listening to metallica felt kind of like deep itch on my shoulder was being scratched… loved the rhythms of music he had on…

Body went into defensive mode and reduced pain sensitivity…. Come to think of it the pain in my legs and back receded too… that’s too funny… because I was actually concerned about how I was going to react to the tat needle.  When I started getting dizzy I grabbed the rescue remedy… and about 10 minutes later that was the end of it… the dizziness and free falling sensation that is…

Today is David’s and my Anniversary… Happy Anniversary Honey… yes I got my roses… except this time it is a single rose to be carried with me on my shoulder…

On David’s and my very first date… he brought me a dozen red roses… and roses were our thing from then on… the first roses he gave me were red… the last (which I still  have) were lavender and cream bicolor…

Busy day…
Later taters
May you walk in peace…

Oh yeah... and why is there blood dripping off the ribbon...because honey... sometimes love hurts...

Mary E. Robbins
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Friday, October 25, 2013

misty morning...







Good morning peeps… there is a fine frost on the hillside… and a fog in the air… the sun is smiling down and the fog is misting away…

I’ve had my toast… and still drinking my coffee… the mastiffs are out… the second wave of Pominators are out… although I am thinking I’ll run them back in for the day. Supposed to get up to 69 degrees F today… but is rather nippy now. Out to enjoy the sunshine seems the better option…

I am a sore tired puppy this morning… yes a 53 year old puppy… what can I say… oh … no it is not from the tattoo… Remarkably enough it is barely sore. I am sore from doing chores and hauling in wood and working on windows… groan…


I realized some things last night… or rather one thing… I realized why I was having such an impossible time leaving my home at night. Last night was actually a major victory for me…. Driving into town in the evening… no it was not completely dark… but dark was coming on… well for one I don’t see very well driving at night… but can compensate for that… the last time I went away from my home at night was the night David died.

Yes I did have a panic attack last night… or rather the start of one… the miserable thing started in the middle of the tat… I had some rescue remedy with me and used it… and breathed through it… another victory… yay!

I seriously detest those things… no not the tats… the panic attacks…

Busy day…must blast off… perhaps I can work some of this soreness off… I am actually amazed at the difference these compression pants make…amazing…


Later taters…

May you walk in peace…


Mary E. Robbins
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Thursday, October 24, 2013

Triple Bertry Pie & Tats...








Oh ... yum... triple berry pie... love that stuff... and coffee with pumpkin spice creamer... was a hungry girl… now I am a happy girl... hehehehe...

Got the straw into the cat yard… miserable stuff was still damp… so I did not put it in their house… went out to the Quonset and got a huge dog bed and stuck it in there instead. Not what I’d wanted to do but it will do for now… stapled a dog food bag partway over their door… spread that damp straw around their yard… it will dry out pretty quickly that way…

Dumped all the waters… including the duck tank and refilled with fresh water… filled everyone’s feed pans… and gave them all biscuits…

One of my senior girls is now dancing about on the other side… Snickers crossed over the rainbow bridge… She is a wonderful kind spirit… I will miss being able to see her… she always had love in her eyes and a smile on her face for me… She had not been ill… her body was aged… she simply laid down and died.

Got 4 windows covered… going to have to replace some windows … not trying for it now though… perhaps next summer… depending on what is happening. Still need to use some foam around them… and secure it a bit more with tape… but the basics are done on those 4. Will help to keep it warmer in here.

Learned a hard lesson today… the arthritis in my thumb joints has progressed to the point that I am unable to control my stapler with my thumbs… grrrr… had to figure another way… hands are hurting now… ouch… especially that thumb joint…

Made me kinda clumsy with the stapler… that window work is not pretty… but it’s on there.

I have this thing called a robo-cut… I actually thought I was going to use it for the dogs but it scars the dickens out of them. It is a clipper thing that attaches to the vacuum cleaner. My hair is now 2 inches long… I usually cut the sides and back shorter… but just did not have it in me… feels much better than it did… and I have NO hair pieces down my back… I so hate that… itchy… nasty…pokey pieces of hair… are not there… it’s all in the vacuum… yay!

Needed to sit down and rest… I was staggering by the time I got back into the house. Have my breath back now… thinking I’ll get a bath and head into town for that tat… no I am not backing out. I told a friend I was planning on getting it… her words… “you know those are permanent” … wow… really … I had no idea…

Of course I’ve been beating myself up over the cost… this tat is no frivolous spur of the moment thing for me… this is my way of honoring 22 years of marriage to my best friend… with our anniversary coming up this Saturday. May seem strange to some people … but it is important to me… it is a step towards healing…

Gotta go… later taters…


Mary Robbins
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fog and firewood









There is a fine fog this morning… the temps have dropped low enough for a thin layer of ice to form on the welded wire panels that surround my yards…

Today I need to get firewood in the house… or it’s going to be a cold night in here with no heat… empty out ashes… want to get straw into the kitty kennel… I would like to have all the critter houses strawed today… but I know that is too much. .. so one step at a time…

Actually I have a whole list of to-dos for today… I used to beat myself up over not being able to get it all done and feel like an absolute failure… which accomplished absolutely nothing other than making myself miserable… perhaps I’ve gained a bit of wisdom… my attitude now is… I’ll do what I can do… that’s all there is… do a bit… rest a bit… do a bit … rest a bit… actually I end up getting more done that way than trying to tackle it all at once and beating myself up over imagined failures…

On an up note… I am breathing easier today… and not as exhausted.

Ok… here goes… first up… ashes out… firewood in… 


Mary E. Robbins
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Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Rest Day...








Took today as down time… even got out of the compression pants… what a relief that was… watched a marathon session of Project Runway All Stars on Lifetime…. In between naps.

Had other plans for today… but seriously needed a downtime day. In actuality, my body insisted upon it. Quiet day hanging out with my cat.

I did do some laundry and wash some dishes… and of course run the house dogs out… and feed the Kitty trio… I had planned on going into Scotts Bluff for a meeting with my grief counselor… could not stay awake to drive… called her and told her what was up… both of us agreed it was better to not try to drive when I could not stay awake.

Put clean sheets on the bed… love clean sheets… what can I say.

I’d really been pushing it over the past few weeks and my body had reached its limits. I’m breathing better tonight than I was this morning… but my lungs are still hurting. Trying to walk is really wonky without the compression pants on. Not so stable on my feet. I’m not overly stable on my feet with the compression pants on… but without them it is a bit like walking on broken stilts. It is not a feel sorry for me thing… it just is what it is.

I have much more understanding of what my grandmother and mother went through. Back in the day I did not have a clue. Truth be told this is a bit of wisdom I could have happily done without.

Understanding what it is like to not get enough air is some wisdom I could have done without as well. Yeah… definitely could have done without ever knowing that. Frankly I can think of a few other things I could have done without knowing as well… such is this life…

Nite peeps…


Mary E. Robbins
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Saturday, October 19, 2013

Ramble... Ramble... Ramble...





Just got back inside from checking the girls (chickens) for eggs.... none to be had... seems I am down to 2 guineas... had 3 ... one is probably coyote lunch ... they are getting pretty old so perhaps it just dropped from old age... don't know... just know it wasn't on it's roost with the others... fed the girls... the cats... the big dogs... gave all the Pominators up top biscuits... as well as the big dogs... fed the quackers (ducks)... dumped their water tank and refilled it... I do love to listen to them talk...

ran water into the low trough for the chickens so they have fresh water... need to straw the runs and houses... don't know how much of it I'll actually get done before the weather turns really cold... it was one of those 2 people jobs... and even then it was rather overwhelming... ok... just deal with it... nothing like bawling over straw...

A friend asked me if I’d cut his hair for him tomorrow… I probably shouldn’t work in that straw all day anyway… frankly I don’t know that I actually could anyway… anyway I said ok… also said I can do a buzz cut or a buzz cut… that’s as far as my hair cutting skill on another person goes… then visit a bit and come back home and see what more I can get done here… I’m gonna give it a go… I may or may not make it there… such a simple thing… yet I can feel the anxiety/panic rising in my throat… annoying crap…

Think I have enough anyways in there…. Ha!

Legs are screaming tonight… was painful to get the dogs done… it would be such a blessing to actually have a day without pain… gee wouldn’t that be a thought… aw well it is what it is… at least I am still walking… that in itself is a blessing… I remember what my grandmother’s and my mother’s legs were like… scares the bejeebers out of me at times…

Ran out of time and did not take my vitamins and omega 3’s this morning… whew I can sure tell the difference… miss those omega 3’s and my state of mind takes a definite downswing. Need that stuff (omega 3’s) so my body can make enough serotonin to stay out of depression. Don’t know if I’m just not getting enough in the food I eat… or if it’s stress… just burning it up… probably both… but there is a definite difference when I don’t take them… and it’s not a positive one.

Yeah I know… eat more fish… yeah well… hmmmmm…. I can handle fish up to a point… then… well… hmmmmm… no… I’ll just take the omega 3’s… Used to eat fish 5 to 7 days a week… if I make it once a week now I’m doing good… perhaps that will change in the future… just one step at a time… right now… just gag… literally…

Naughty Miss Molly is barking at the Kitty Trio… geez she is such a nag… and so very proud of herself for it… look ma I told em… I did … I told em… over and over again… naggity nag nag nag… Larry (orange and white tom cat) just looks at her through the fence… he is around twice her size… with razor sharp claws…

Gonna grab me some coffee and go appreciate that moon… then bring the Pominators and mastiffs in for the night… have a small fire going in the wood stove… need to cover some more windows with plastic… that may or may not get done too… the plastic film… not the Pominators… best get another cart of firewood brought in tomorrow… or at least up to the door…

Yeah… my mind is just rambling on… I am looking forward to see what the tat artist comes up with…I gave him the basics of what I wanted… he said he would have a drawing by Monday…

Ok… coffee… moon… Pominators…

Later taters…


Mary E. Robbins
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First anniversary without hubs coming up



Good Morning Peeps….

I’m up and the day is flying… the Pominators and Mastiffs are outside doing their thing… the Kitty Trio… Larry, Curly, and Mo …. Have had their breakfast… and so have I… wheat toast and coffee…

All in all yesterday was a good day… started out snowy… then the sun came out and melted it away… got to spend some time with a good friend I hadn’t seen for a while… came home to the house still warm … yay! Fire was still banked in the stove with some wonderful red embers glowing in there… yes I heat with a wood stove.

Finished putting the goodies for the luncheon together … coleslaw, spiced pork, and wheat rolls… haven’t fixed pork this way before… so we’ll just see how it turns out.

Sat down to watch Oblivion… pretty good movie… thank you Net Flix… and that was the end of the story… I did get the movie watched… transferred the pork to a crockpot and set it on low… added some pineapple… and stumbled off to bed…

I am thinking I am going to have a tat done to commemorate our anniversary. This is my first anniversary without my hubs… after 22 years together in this life. I worked out part of the design… the tat artist is working on putting it together. I was thinking our anniversary date… an infinity symbol with our names in it… Bonded in Love… with a rose or roses incorporated into the design…

Roses have always been a part of our relationship… the very first time David showed up to take me out… he was so nervous… so was I… He had this beautiful bouquet of red roses… the last Roses he ever gave me were lavender and white… the 2 toned ones… he surprised me with them… and yes I still have them dried… I loved and still do love the look on his face when he gave them to me…

May you walk in peace…


Mary E. Robbins
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Monday, October 14, 2013

Ha! I did it!








Ha! I did it… I made it home over that muddy greasy… slippery road… without putting the jeep in 4 wheel drive. I turned the overdrive off… and took it slow to see if I could make it… I made it… I made it… nah nah nah… I made it… without going in the ditch…


I stopped and fueled the jeep before leaving town to come home… and picked up a couple of those 70 pound sand weights and put them in the back of the jeep for added traction weight. I think they actually helped.

I have decent tires on the jeep… not the mud boggers like what’s on the truck but decent tires. I love my old truck… she will go through just about any mud mess… but geez she does guzzle the fuel…that’s why I’ve been going for it in the jeep…

This little episode is a huge deal for me… since sliding on a clay…gravel…muddy… or whatever road tends to trigger panic attacks…. Couple it with it getting dark and it can be … shall we say a bit hairy… understatement of the year! I got pretty tense… but just slowed way down… much slower and I would have been stopped… but I got through it… yes I did… happy dance… happy dance…

That sliding sensation triggers back to when I was in a car wreck on a bridge over an irrigation canal on a gravel road and had half my face ripped off… you know I had no fear… none what so ever in a vehicle before that happened… after that… geez… seriously… is there a switch somewhere that I can flip to just turn this stuff off… no… well that figures… ppppphhhhtttttt…..

EEEwwwww…. Just thinking about that wreck and I can feel the car sliding sideways as the driver tried to miss an oncoming car in the middle of the bridge… he tried to take the ditchrider’s road along the side of the canal… and couldn’t make it… we went sliding into the end of the bridge railing… it popped up and came through the car taking half my face off with it as it went through… slowing the car a bit as the car smashed into the opposite side of the canal… the car dropped to the bottom of the canal and compressed… crushing the driver’s lungs… wedging me between the front and back seats on the floor with my knees jammed into the floorboards… hello damaged knees… the driver was pinned by the steering wheel… he survived… still has issues with his lungs… to my knowledge… the other two people in the car came away with one minor cut and some bruises… I had on a blue and white checked seersucker top on and white denim jeans… funny how one remembers such things…

I remember there was blood running down my front on my shirt and jeans… I thought I had a bloody nose and put my hands up to try and stop it and put my fingers through where my face was supposed to be… I remember thinking my mom was going to be mad because I wasn’t where I was supposed to be… I was 14 years old…

I lost so much blood that my vision faded to black… and I felt like I was just floating away in that beautiful black… so beautiful… so peaceful… then I heard the emt … seemed like he was yelling but sounded so far away… we were in the ambulance… and suddenly the beautiful black that had been so peaceful was gone and I was rocketing down the road in an ambulance to the hospital… and I could see again… the rest of that trip is kinda scrambled…

Ah… my coffee cup is empty… and the Pominators are barking let me back in… let me back in… I ran them outside to do their business… so I’d best bring them back inside and give them all their snuggles… and check for pominator poo in their areas… yes I am the pominator poo clean up crew…

Get that done and refill my coffee cup… and perhaps wash that stack of dishes in the sink… you know I never appreciated that dishwasher I had when I lived in town… well maybe one day I’ll have one out here… then again maybe not… at any rate they need to be washed… although the temptation is to “drop” them in the trash… hehehehe….

I hear the wind picking up again... best move it...

Later taters…


Mary E. Robbins
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Sunday, October 13, 2013

dawn is breaking... animals... memories... maxwell house





Another day has dawned in all it glory… pinks greens golds spreading across the sky dancing from cloud to cloud… celebrating the rising of the sun and a new day…

Tis a calm morning that dawns this day… no wind blowing… makes the 40 degree temps seem warm. Perhaps I am already acclimating to the cooler temps.

The house hairballs have already been out and about to do their morning’s business… yes both mastiffs and Pominators… and are back inside… I’d left Sara and Diesel outside in the lower yard which surrounds the front and east side of the house… the kitchen window looks out into the lower yard. I was in the kitchen making coffee and toast and looked out the window… and there sat Diesel and Sara… side by side…looking in the window…as if to say… we are done… can we come back inside now… written all over their faces… yes they are back inside… they made it to the front door before I could and were waiting there for me …

Naughty Miss Molly … yes the same one I was looking and looking for the other day, until I drove away and came back honking the horn and she came running to the yard gate to greet me… anyway…

Naughty Miss Molly… sounded the alarm this morning… at first I did not see what she was after… mind you the light was just breaking on the eastern horizon… I thought she was going after the shitty kitties again… Larry, Curly, and Mo- their kitty kennel is in the lower yard … but no it wasn’t them she was after yip yapping at them through their fence… then I thought … seriously … a snake in 40 degree temps… but it wasn’t a snake either… although on first glance I thought it was a small snake curled up not moving… I got closer and it was some kind of patterned lizard 6 to 8 inches long. I’d wager that little fellow was stiff in the cooler temps. I slid a hoe under him and he just sat there as I set him outside the fence perimeter… before he had a myriad of pominator bites.

That little fellow was the first one of those I’ve seen here… no I don’t know if it was a male or a female… one of those… meaning a lizard of any kind.

Of course the quackers heard/saw me in the lower yard… they are in the mid yard for now… anyway they started calling… three guesses who want’s breakfast… yes you guessed it… the quackerjacks… ducks of course…

Actually this morning I’ll be checking everyone’s feed and water pans… making sure they have feed and fresh water. Thinking of moving the ducks over to the chicken run… get them used to going into the shed … seems a shame to run them off the new grass growth though… yes the chickens have decimated it in their yards… destructo birds…

I would like to have a perimeter fence around the hollow… so the birds … ducks, chickens…eventually perhaps turkeys and geese … could roam all around here without being picked off by the coyotes… aw well… perhaps eventually… had planned on building that fence together with David.

He had wanted to raise some hogs and goats out here too… he used to talk about it all the time. He loved having those animals. He was so proud of his hogs and goats… calves… and lambs when we had them before. He was proud of our Pomeranians too… he was proud of me as well…

I don’t mean proud in a braggart kind of way… but as in he was happy and proud… we enjoyed our livestock and each other. I am thankful for the 22 years we had together… but I sure miss him. We were each other’s hearts…


David watching kittens...
Larry, Curly, and Mo ... the kittens David was watching...
David and Mo... Two gentle souls...

Memories of moments together flooding through my mind… time on the trains… standing in a draw waiting for another train to go by and do a roll-by… David in the back yard in town… building the yard fence… happy with how it was turning out… David with his hogs… the boar stealing his apple… David with the dairy goats… no shirt on… nanny goat pulling the hairs on his back…David giving jelly beans to the nanny goats as treats… David with Bosco (boxer- has passed on as well)…David with the PT cruiser… David driving us back from Denver after we got out of the city… David with his hand on my back protecting me as we crossed the street…David bringing firewood into the house… David telling railroad … hunting… and fishing stories… David and our young Holstein heifer (Daisy Mae) that thought she was a dog… she has passed on too… David and Mini Tatanka… he would say come to daddy… you’re daddy’s girl aren’t you… and they would sit in the recliner together… David showing up with red roses on our very first date… red roses for me… David standing out in the yards here looking up at the night sky in wonder at it’s beauty… David scuffing his feet in his slippers coming up behind me… asking are you hungry… wanting some breakfast… David and his percolator coffee pot… David and that red jeep… David coming home from the train in the ford… I could see the lights across the cab and the headlights and I knew it was him before he ever turned into our drive… David in the garden… David trying to protect me from the cruelty of others… He was not a cruel person and never understood the cruelty of others… David hauling hay… David walking ahead of me in the train yards… I can still see his shoulders and the back of his neck as he walked along ahead of me there so many years ago… still have that denim jacket he was wearing… the pocket watch he was wearing the night he died is hanging on my desk… along with his wedding ring… waiting for him… I am waiting for him too… waiting for the day that I have the release to cross over and join him on the other side…

Ok taking a breath… now another…

Saw an eagle sitting on a fencepost on my way into town yesterday… not sure if it was a golden eagle or a younger bald eagle… was wishing I’d had a camera with me as I drove by it… was a beautiful sight…

My coffee cup is empty… yes I made the coffee with David’s percolator … not with his Folgers though… that was his brand… I am more of a Maxwell house girl… although I drank Folgers for the past 22 years because he preferred it… and frankly I loved to see him smile. I loved to see joy light up his eyes… hazel eyes with shades of green, brown, grey, blue, and gold… smiling hazel eyes…

What’s that song… Those Irish Eyes are Smiling…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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 Gratitudes: Hot coffee... got to see a lizard in my yard... did not step on said lizard... friends~ no matter how much physical distance separates us...







Wednesday, October 09, 2013

Good Morning... Good Morning... Good Morning...




Good Morning … Good Morning… Good Morning… running the Pominators and mastiffs out... looks like it's going to be a beautiful day ... putting my to do list together... dog laundry... kitty litter box..ick... ranch rounds... wash dishes... pay bills... be home... yay!

Gonna see if I can get to my chickens' eggs before whatever else is eating them does... nothing but egg shells out there... grrrrrr....

I noticed this morning that my potted pepper plants are still alive... yes they were sitting outside during that storm... oh ... that reminds me... need to remove branches from kennel runs... yup... the big branch in the front yard I'm thinking is going to be there for a while... one bit at a time...

graitudes for today: facebook... as it has given me access to so many dear friends I would otherwise have not had such contact with...

air to breathe... and lungs that are still working... to some degree anyway...

a warm bed to sleep in...



May you walk in peace... no matter what circumstance or event surrounds you...

Mary E. Robbins
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Tuesday, October 08, 2013

meteor showers... leaves rustling... coyotes yipping... gratitude...




Yay… I’m home… left over bacon, home fries, and spaghetti squash for dinner… having a coffee and a bite of sweet for dessert.

Day 2…back on my vitamins and minerals… still felt pretty raunchy this morning… was wicked trying to get in and out of the jeep… and geez… bumps … gravel roads… dirt driveway… can we say … ouch! My back was screaming all the way into town.

On an up note… still some pain driving home… but much less than this morning’s drive. Still feel bruised everywhere when touched… not as bad as yesterday though….or this morning for that matter. Here’s hoping it will continue to improve. Frankly I’ve had more than enough of this pain. Yeah I know… big fat whine…

Gonna step outside and bring the Pominators and mastiffs in… and see if I can see a meteor or two…



an hour later...



Well that was interesting… ran the Pominators and mastiffs in… then picked up Bitsy Boo (snuggley black pom) and took her back outside with me… sat in an Adirondack chair with Bitsy Boo snuggled in my arms… listened to the breeze rustle the leaves on the trees… thankful for those trees and branches still standing after that storm… then heard the yipping and howling of coyotes over the ridge to the south of us… thankful we were inside our yard fences… the entire kennel decided to join the howl… sitting in the night listening to the concert of howling voices… yes you know it… I had to join in… lol…

Saw something … perhaps meteors… light there then gone… faint lights tracing across the night sky and disappearing… the night sky is phenomenally beautiful… bright stars with patches of clouds… thankful to be able to see…


May you walk in peace....

Mary E. Robbins
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Saturday, October 05, 2013

the day after the first blizzard of the season





Yay! I am back home... went mud bogging up the upper drive to get out... slip sliding along the dirt road to the highway... saw one car in the ditch on the way into town... people were already gone... had sections with snow drifted across... yes this is why I drive a 4 wheel drive jeep wrangler…. Or if totally nasty… my 1993 ford f150 pick up truck… with mud bogging tires on it…

by the time I headed back home the highway was totally dry... yay...other than where the melt runs across it... hwy 85 into lusk has been closed all day...

the wind caught me broadside and sent me skittering across the road on the way into town… yee haw… stayed out of the ditch…

the wind can be a bugger... but nothing is better than sunshine and wind to dry out a dirt road... the road from the hwy to my place was nearly dry when I came home… yay! It was a wet mess this morning... still huge mud hole by my mailbox... in my lower drive... picked up the mail... turned the jeep around and came in across the pasture next to the upper drive... mind you my driveways are just dirt trails across the pasture... one upper one lower... perhaps one day I'll get them graded and graveled... not for a while though... it's that green stuff ya know... green backs... no not tumble weeds... money...

checked the kennels… more branches down around them… I am not messing with any of the branches today… already tired… and that wind is seriously whipping around… good chance there will be more branches down before morning… wind is supposed to have died down by tomorrow…

there is water running everywhere around the lower yards… melt melt melt… the quackers (buff ducks) are all up under their tree next to the snow fence hanging out away from the winds… just heard something else crack and thump… probably another branch coming down…

ran the house hairballs outside… Pominators and mastiffs alike. I would wager they will be glad to get back in around sundown if not before… they can get out of the water and wind… give them some runaround time…

gonna go put my legs up for a bit then feed the big dogs … the Pominators all have feed… yay! Gotta check the ranch cat feed pan and see what’s in there… thinking I may just fill the pan inside their house in the enclosure… I’m thinking the wild critters are coming in and eating the other pan of feed…. Sorry critters… gonna have to go out and go hunting rather than eat my ranch cats’s feed…. Yeah I know… I’ll probably just keep filling that feeder up anyway… whatever is helping itself to that feed wouldn’t be coming in with all these dogs If it wasn’t really hungry…

I stopped the jeep at the top of the hill just before getting home and just stared out across the valley… so beautiful… yesterday I could see nothing but snow blowing… not even snow covered hills… it was blowing and snowing so hard I simply could not see… today… most of the snow has melted off… some on the higher bluffs… with the golds… deep browns of the earth… and greens of alfalfa and pasturelands showing in the late day sunshine… so beautiful…

Speaking of beautiful… on the way into town I came around a curve at the base of a hill… with a bit of a hollow there… and there stood this beautiful deer off the road in a little hollow … glad I was going slower than usual… I got a chance to take a good look… pretty sure there were several others lying down around the one standing… hey I said I was going slower… not that slow…

Day before yesterday I saw a couple of herds of antelope on the way into Cheyenne… one herd was just south of Torrington… Both were relatively small herds… the biggest herd I’ve ever seen was years back up by Douglas… there were hundreds of antelope in that herd…

Hungry… gonna go fix a bite to eat… thinking home fries, bacon, and eggs… yes I know breakfast for dinner… hey it works for me… plus it’s easy and quick… besides I seriously like potatoes…

Heading to the kitchen...later...

May you walk in peace...
Mary E. Robbins
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