Beginnings again...

August first 2011, just a date on a calender. Yet another date, a number on a piece of paper. So many times I've started some health and fitness goal only to crash and burn with depression and a monster binge.

I'm not sure how to explain or describe what is different this time around but something is. Perhaps it's the extreme stress over the past few years. Perhaps it's watching my husband shrink into a rocking recliner watching non stop tv after retirement.

He is only 60 yet he acts as if he is just done. I am only 51 and I do not want to live the rest of my life in a depressed limbo. I am far enough along now from the hernia surgery in January that I should be able to start rebuilding my abdominal muscles.

It seems like I've been angry ever since I came home from surgery in January. I'm not sure why.

I think I am more angry at myself than at anyone else. Angry for letting myself get sucked in over and over. I shortcircuited so badly that the panic attacks flared to the point of being indistinguishable from a heart attack or bad asthma attacks.

I could say that I am done allowing others to push my buttons, to draw me into whatever drama they are creating in their existences... but that would be bullsh*t. There is always going to be some created human drama going on. Whether its something with a friend or relative; or drama on a world or national level, like this debt ceiling nightmare. Unbelievable hubris on the part of our congress/senate.

From time to time I will more than likely get caught up in it. Until I realize what is happening yet again and walk away.

There is absolutely nothing I can do about the "drama" others create. Nada, zip, zilch, nothing. Does that mean I am giving up? No it doesn't, it means I am stopping the process of taking responsibility for the actions of others. Doesn't mean that I don't care. Just that you are responsible for your own drama. I am no longer available to carry that load, carry it yourself.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Life is a journey, the trip is more enjoyable when carrying less baggage.
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
www.robbinsrun.com

Brrrrr Baby It’s cold outside.

Looks like winter has finally gotten here. I am so glad we got those dogs placed. I was thinking about that as I was out taking care of my happy hairballs that are here now. I was packing straw into their houses for them to dig down into and play in.

By the time I was finished strawing the houses and feeding and watering everyone I was physically done for. I stopped and just looked at the whole section of empty houses. Smaller houses that it was very difficult to keep enough bedding in to keep them warm and smiled because no one is going to be cold in those this year.

It’s a pleasure to watch the dogs bouncing around and digging in the bale of straw that was put in each of their houses. It was layered in on top of what I had already put in there. Everyone has a 4 by 7 foot house. Plenty of room for bedding and playing when it is wet outside. As well as space for their food.

It’s great to see them warm and happy.

On to happiness; this is the first time in 5 years that I’ve put up a Christmas tree. Granted it is a tiny one, but it has been a pleasure to watch its fiber optic beauty at night. It’s not some kind of protest that kept me from putting up a tree. It had been my health and total exhaustion. Over all things are getting better. I still didn’t get my Christmas cards sent. I like to send cards out to family, friends, and clients. May get a few sent, the rest will have to go to the blogs for Christmas notes and updates at to what’s happening at Robbins Run Ranch, our little home on the high plains.

Yes things are better in our happy home. David seems to be feeling better. I am feeling better. The dogs are doing better.

Much of it is a change in mindset. We made some tough decisions this past year and followed through on them. Much to the dismay of some of our relatives and friends.

In truth some of the decisions we had to make exposed who were actually our friends and who were not. That was an eye opening experience.

Some of it was heartbreaking. Felt a tremendous loss. I learned something though; you can’t lose something that you never really had in the first place.

I learned a couple of other tidbits this past year as well. Not making a choice is making a choice. We have free will, since we do have free will we have responsibility for our lives, all of the choices that we make. This has been a belief of mine for some time; however it really came to the front through the difficult choices this past year.

This sounds a bit trite; however it is so true. You can not help someone that refuses to take responsibility for them selves. You and not help someone that refuses to help them selves. You can try, but all you are doing is enabling a self-destructive behavior. Not to mention putting yourself in a position to be siphoned dry. Siphoned dry physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. Saying no these people can be emotionally crushing.

I am not saying that everyone that has difficulty is refusing to help them selves. I am saying pay attention. Some are making an effort. As much as they can and other’s are leaches. Waiting to suck you dry. It can be a challenge to tell the difference, especially when there are emotional ties involved. Be the ties friend or family or just caring what happens to other people.

Another tidbit I learned this past year. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. I have in the past kept a tight reign on my emotions. Trying to keep going through whatever came up. I am not saying to not keep functioning. I am saying accept and validate your feelings. Whether it is with a therapist, blog, private journal, and boxing bag. Whatever. Allow yourself to experience your emotions.

There are consequences if you do not. Been there, done that, you won’t like it. It goes in phases, from emotions hitting. Which you do not know what to do with because you shut them off behind a dam as soon as they come up. To no feelings at all. To an overwhelming flood of rage, grief, ups, downs, all spinning out of control. Like a river that has burst a dam tearing up all in its path of total destruction.

As strange or painful as it may be; it is much better to work through emotions as they occur. Rather than trying to survive them when they build to a point of tsunami and explode onto the scene.

That’s all for now

Life is a journey, each day is filled with adventure
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch: Living the Dream With Our Pomeranians
307.788.0202

August 4, 2008 Exhausted: Beautiful Morning

My hubby came in from work around 5 a.m. this morning. It was good to see his smiling face. I always miss him when he’s on the train.

Yesterday was a crazy busy day. Today is lining up to be crazy busy as well. It is good to be making progress. Emotionally draining but very, very good.

I was just about at the end of my rope, so to speak. I kept asking; how am I going to manage this? The Lord answered my prayers and things are moving along. I kept seeking and the same answer kept coming up. So this is the way I am going.

Thank You God for answered prayers!

In truth I am still pretty angry about being put in this position. Not that being angry is going to benefit anyone. It’s not; it’s vacillating between anger and abject grief.

Yes It’s true, I allowed myself to be put in this position. There is no question about that. Once again I hoped to get sweet apples of a bitter pear tree. When it came time to harvest, true to form it was all bitter pears, and no sweet apples.
No the Lord didn’t promise any sweet apples off these bitter pear trees. That is true, I was hoping though. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do to change the bitter pear trees; they will have to do that themselves. Not up to me, free will and all that you know. It’s sad though, their lives could be so sweet. Sweet as in wonderful, glorious, not sickly sweet

Life is a journey... sometimes there are twists in the road

Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs

Robbins Run Ranch: