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Good Morning Peeps…
Breakfast is done… eggs… squash… bacon… coffee… cacao nibs and honey…
the cockatiels are sitting out on the porch… yes it’s heated… there is a
larger window there and they are enjoying the morning light… singing…
or screeching… depending on your point of view… along with the wild
birds outside…
Woke up in the dark of the night… with the guineas screaming alarm… and the labs
barking… then I heard the intruder’s voice… an owl was hunting… it is
more than likely that there is now one less guinea living this morning…
part of the flock of guineas roost in the trees…
Saw a couple
more beautiful predators day before yesterday… they had been hunting… or
were hunting over the prairie dog towns … beautiful young bald or a
golden eagle… I have a tough time telling them apart until the young
balds develop the white head… anyway this beautiful eagle glided in low
over my yards… amazing wingspan…
Mary E. Robbins
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Ok…
well I am still here…. Still a widow… still missing my life… still
missing my husband… still do not understand …. I did cook and eat
breakfast … did yesterday too. Not much pleasure in it eating by
myself. Sound like a pity party… tough… it just is what it is… it’s a
couple of days past 5 months since life as I knew it ended. I suppose I
am supposed to be over this… yeah right… who ever told you that is full
of it…. And I don’t mean full of cotton candy either… although enough
of that stuff will make you sick too.
Some time ago I wrote
that I did not want to go on without my husband…. And someone had a
friggen cow. I am not sure of all of what was said as they pulled their
posts. Just as well as I was in a rather dark place. As it turns out
it was major depression on top of grieving. No longer in major
depression… which is a HUGE relief… it’s pretty scary what a simple
chemical imbalance can do. It seems my serotonin levels were low…
boosted them with omega 3s …. I am using a combination of flax oil and
fish oil… in a capsule called thera tears. I’ve done some research since
then and they say flax oil can counter depression, anxiety, panic
attacks, and so on. Be fore warned though… it can bloat you… as in gas
gas gas that does not want to move… so have some gas x or simethecone on
hand to counter if you need to. Oh yeah… I used the thera tears
because I had some on hand.
I knew I felt better when I ate
flax, or flax oil…. Better state of mind… better state of well being
overall… I just did not know why. Probably do not know why in it’s
entirety now… but it does make a huge difference for me.
Yes
I am still grieving… yes having my having my husband drop dead on
Christmas night still sucks. Seriously?!… flax oil can not take the
issues that have to be worked through away. But it can help with the
stinking depression… mood swings… anxiety… panic attacks and such that
are due to a chemical imbalance.
I still do not want to go on
without my husband. He was my husband, my lover, my soulmate, my best
friend. Why on earth would I want to go on without him?! Really?! No
it is not ok with me that my husband was yanked out of this husk we call
a body… ok it was his time… nope still not ok with me. Not happy about
it. Truth be told… I am rather pissed about it.
Don’t like
it that I said that… want to get on your high horse and judge me… ok
fine… have a nice ride… but while you are up there riding around… here
is a suggestion… just a suggestion mind you… take a good strong look
around in your own life and being and see just why it is that my
attitude bothers you so much. Not your choice… not your life… my
attitude… my life… my responsibility…
I do not have the
release to move on yet … or I would already be OUTTA HERE… David was
released and he dropped that body like a sack of rotten potatoes.
Whoosh… outta here… Don’t get your feelings hurt… yes I do love and
appreciate my friends…
Not my time yet… as Mow Mow Tat brushes
by my leg reminding me. Although sometimes I wonder… as my heart
pounds hard enough to make my body shake. Nope still here… trying to
figure out how to navigate this new path.
Mary E. Robbins
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Coughing
again this morning. Not quite as bad as yesterday… drank some apple
cider vinegar and hot water… that seemed to help clear the mucus out of
my throat… had my honey as well… took some generic musinex sinus and 2
aspirin.
Not much for breakfast… part of an English muffin
toasted with butter and a bit of grape jelly… probably 2/3 of it… gave
the rest to Sara and Diesel.
Thought the washer quit working… turned out to be the plug in electrical tail I was using… thank God for that… at any rate it is working now.
Ran into the widow of a good friend yesterday. She is the wife of the
gentleman that used to be our UPS driver that came out to the ranch.
Over the years we had become good friends. His body died of pancreatic
cancer shortly after he retired. They found out he had it… and 6 weeks
later he was gone. He crossed over 2 years ago… I can still see his
smiling face when he came with packages and visited a bit… looking at
the pom puppies.
It was obvious from visiting with her
yesterday that they were best friends and truly loved each other. It is
such a gift to have friendship and love like that in this life… on the
flip side it is so… what word covers it… there really are none. When
they move on ahead and we are still in this life. I miss David so much…
feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest…
Ok… just breathe… one breath then another… calm… Here comes another day.
It’s so strange how these bodies react to this kind of stress….not just
in humans either. I remember when Miss Priss died. … she was a female
cockatiel. She and Pete had been together for years. He went into
screaming crying mourning for weeks… he was so devastated that I thought
he was going to die….we accepted another cockatiel from my mom that was
being picked on and brought him home and put him in the cage with Pete…
hoping that having some other bird company would help him. They
grumped and fussed at each other… and eventually got along. Now they
are 2 grumpy old men hanging out watching TV.
Yes, Pete and
Blue hang on the side of their cage and watch TV. Both of them are
mourning David… he loved those birds….and always visited with them when
he took their sleeping cover off. Pete and Blue, have been together
now for …. Geez the time has all run together… well nearly 10 years…
Pete has been with us nearly 20. Pete and Priss loved each other… and
were together before they came to be with us as well…. Guess I’ll go
turn on the morning show for them that they and David used to watch… HLN
or CNN… he would flip back and forth, watching them both. He enjoyed
Robin Meade and Natasha Curry.
He was so happy that he no
longer had to always be on alert for a call from the railroad. He was
out there between 36 and 37 years. He was really good at his work… I
know this because I worked with him years back. The man knew his stuff.
He loved trains; he and Jerry would go and see the steam
engines when they came through. He knew so much about the various
engines. I liked to watch the train programs on TV with him and hear him
tell about the engines. I had gotten him a couple of Train trip DVDs
for Christmas this year… and of course gave them to him early… I always
seemed to do that… give him whatever I’d gotten for him as soon as it
came in …. Rather than keeping things for holidays and such. Anyway,
one DVD was across the United States, and the other was across Canada.
It was fun watching them with him.
We talked about how it
would be a fun trip… and how when we were feeling better maybe we could
go on one of them. Guess he took a different trip.
Another
friend’s husband died this week. Another partnership ended early… seems
like whenever one goes before the other the partnership is ended early
for this life no matter what the actual age is. My thoughts and prayers
go out to her.
This life is certainly an ever changing
landscape from birth… through childhood… teen years… young adult… middle
age… seniors and exit… of course one never knows when that exit is
going to slip in there. For my child it was before birth. Just had a few
precious moments with his wonderful soul… yes I could feel his
presence. No I am not sure the body would be male… doesn’t matter… I
look forward to reuniting on the other side… I wonder … has my mom
gotten to meet her grandchild now… I hope so. She was so excited… had
just bought a baby book … we had just seen his heart beat and listened
to it… then our time with him was over and in a rush of hemorrhage he
was gone from this life… mom would have been a wonderful grandma to
him. She did great with my youngest step son… the older ones didn’t
want anything to do with either of us. Broke my heart … broke mom’s
heart… and broke David’s heart.
I guess I just do not
understand why people are … hmmmmm… how to say this… if someone you love
is happy… why not celebrate their happiness. I’ve never understood
that. Whether it’s friend or family… whomever the loved one is…
celebrate their joy… it takes nothing away from you… in actuality it
increases the joy and love in your own life…
May you walk in peace…
Mary E. Robbins
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Beachbody Health and Fitness Coach
Robbins Run Ranch
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