Brrrrr Baby It’s cold outside.

Looks like winter has finally gotten here. I am so glad we got those dogs placed. I was thinking about that as I was out taking care of my happy hairballs that are here now. I was packing straw into their houses for them to dig down into and play in.

By the time I was finished strawing the houses and feeding and watering everyone I was physically done for. I stopped and just looked at the whole section of empty houses. Smaller houses that it was very difficult to keep enough bedding in to keep them warm and smiled because no one is going to be cold in those this year.

It’s a pleasure to watch the dogs bouncing around and digging in the bale of straw that was put in each of their houses. It was layered in on top of what I had already put in there. Everyone has a 4 by 7 foot house. Plenty of room for bedding and playing when it is wet outside. As well as space for their food.

It’s great to see them warm and happy.

On to happiness; this is the first time in 5 years that I’ve put up a Christmas tree. Granted it is a tiny one, but it has been a pleasure to watch its fiber optic beauty at night. It’s not some kind of protest that kept me from putting up a tree. It had been my health and total exhaustion. Over all things are getting better. I still didn’t get my Christmas cards sent. I like to send cards out to family, friends, and clients. May get a few sent, the rest will have to go to the blogs for Christmas notes and updates at to what’s happening at Robbins Run Ranch, our little home on the high plains.

Yes things are better in our happy home. David seems to be feeling better. I am feeling better. The dogs are doing better.

Much of it is a change in mindset. We made some tough decisions this past year and followed through on them. Much to the dismay of some of our relatives and friends.

In truth some of the decisions we had to make exposed who were actually our friends and who were not. That was an eye opening experience.

Some of it was heartbreaking. Felt a tremendous loss. I learned something though; you can’t lose something that you never really had in the first place.

I learned a couple of other tidbits this past year as well. Not making a choice is making a choice. We have free will, since we do have free will we have responsibility for our lives, all of the choices that we make. This has been a belief of mine for some time; however it really came to the front through the difficult choices this past year.

This sounds a bit trite; however it is so true. You can not help someone that refuses to take responsibility for them selves. You and not help someone that refuses to help them selves. You can try, but all you are doing is enabling a self-destructive behavior. Not to mention putting yourself in a position to be siphoned dry. Siphoned dry physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. Saying no these people can be emotionally crushing.

I am not saying that everyone that has difficulty is refusing to help them selves. I am saying pay attention. Some are making an effort. As much as they can and other’s are leaches. Waiting to suck you dry. It can be a challenge to tell the difference, especially when there are emotional ties involved. Be the ties friend or family or just caring what happens to other people.

Another tidbit I learned this past year. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. I have in the past kept a tight reign on my emotions. Trying to keep going through whatever came up. I am not saying to not keep functioning. I am saying accept and validate your feelings. Whether it is with a therapist, blog, private journal, and boxing bag. Whatever. Allow yourself to experience your emotions.

There are consequences if you do not. Been there, done that, you won’t like it. It goes in phases, from emotions hitting. Which you do not know what to do with because you shut them off behind a dam as soon as they come up. To no feelings at all. To an overwhelming flood of rage, grief, ups, downs, all spinning out of control. Like a river that has burst a dam tearing up all in its path of total destruction.

As strange or painful as it may be; it is much better to work through emotions as they occur. Rather than trying to survive them when they build to a point of tsunami and explode onto the scene.

That’s all for now

Life is a journey, each day is filled with adventure
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch: Living the Dream With Our Pomeranians
307.788.0202

It's a sunny day after the storm

I have no idea who took this photo, but it is just perfect! Kudos to you!

It’s a sunny day after the storm. More than one kind of storm. I was going to say, more than one kind of storm I’m afraid. But you know what I am not afraid anymore. Kind of sad but not afraid any more.

I tried to talk to my mother once again. I failed miserably. Let me rephrase, I failed to get the response I so dearly wanted. What I wanted was a straight answer. Something she seems incapable of giving. Earlier this year she had said that she never wanted to speak to me again if I placed the dogs in rescue. Then she called me up again and threatened to put a restraining order on me.

The question I had asked her is “do you want to continue to have a relationship with me?”

I did get this roundabout answer that I was her daughter so what did I think.

Wow, what do I think? I think she has been a miserable manipulative lying monster throughout the entire ordeal.

Of course she tossed in the “you almost killed me again” I really should tape these conversations. I am thinking I will start to. Hmm, wonder what the legality of that would be. Oh linda is sure to get on the phone immediately and tell her I am going to tape her. Hurry hurry, you squealing pig of a person.

Tad bit of anger there. My bad.

As to how I almost killed her. Yes she was speaking literally. I almost killed her by removing those poor flea ridden worm infested dogs from her place. By the way I removed them by request. Her request. Which of course she is denying now.

My God I am so confused. This past year lie after lie after lie after lie has bubbled up to the surface of this toxic waste dump of a relationship. Now I am wondering how much of my childhood is real and how much is based on a lie. Or a myriad of lies. Here is the big one. The real heartbreaker. Did my dad leave us, or did he simply go on ahead to make a place for us and she refused to go. Did my mother steal my time growing up with my father?

Did she do this? Then lie about him not wanting me. Did dad forget me in a car, or leave me in the car to die when I was a little girl? Or is that some twisted lie too? What was I to my mom? A meal ticket for afdc, a weapon to use against my father, or a little girl to be loved. What was I? What was I? What was I?

What about the good memories are they all lies too? What is real?

The hateful things people do to their children never ceases to amaze me. A note to anyone in the midst of a divorce or separating from your life mate who has children. Do not use your kids as weapons against your mate! Doing so is selfish and hateful. Allow your kids to know both parents, who they really are, not some distorted picture you painted of them.

I wonder If there would be a police record of my being shut in that car so many years ago. I think I’ll make some phone calls and see what I can find out. Not to push it in anyone’s face. But for me.

I called the cop shop where these incidents allegedly happened. The said it would be no problem to go through the records. That the records went back that far and that I could look through them. Sounds like a day trip to me. Not sure when I am going to take it but I am going to take it. I don’t know; it may be a total waste of time. I am not ready to deal with it just yet.

I wonder what Aunt M can tell me about her childhood. Be interesting to hear a different perspective.

Maybe I am trying to make excuses for my mother once again. But I don’t think so. I am trying to understand the dynamic that helped to make her the way she is; and has been.

There Is nothing I can do about the way she lives her life. But, perhaps I can understand it. And in the process heal my self.

What a waste.

I have taken steps to help myself. I started with a wonderful therapist this past week. One day one step at a time. Hey if things are becoming too much or you just need a safe place to vent or sort out your life. Find a reputable therapist and go for it. There is no family or career crap tied in there. It’s a safe haven. Patient confidentiality and all that.

If you are suicidal or homicidal and don’t have a therapist, call the suicide hotline. You can have peace in your head, you can deal with emotions without them totally overwhelming you with static and pain. You are worth it. No matter what some other sh*t has said.

You are worth it. There is peace on this side of death. I know there is, I’ve had glimpses of it this past week.

There is life without total rage, static, pain. There is life with peace, joy. Not all the time, but in balance; and survivable.

Life is a journey, each day holds a new promise
Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs
Robbins Run Ranch:
307.788.0202