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Good Morning Peeps…
Got all the panels pulled for the garden fence… woof… made it back into
the house and that was the end of my activities for the night… I was
asleep in the chair… got up ate dinner…. Back asleep on the couch… woke
up drank some water… crawled into my bed…
I have not slept that much in a very very long time… I actually feel pretty good this morning … so my body must have needed it…
Highlander episode playing on the tv screen… the cockatiels are
chittering and dancing around to the music playing in the background as
they watch tv… breakfast is done… yes my typical breakfast… duck egg, 2
strips bacon, yam, a bit of raw honey and cacao nibs… finished off with
fresh ground organic French roast coffee…supposed to get up to 75F
(24C) here today… thinking this will be the first day of the season that
the cockatiels get to go outside… they love hanging out in their cage
on a stand under the evergreen tree in the front yard…
Used
the high jack to pull out the steel fence posts yesterday… for the life
of me I could not get the thing to work…. I was already frustrated and
triggered beyond thinking straight… I put it in the back of the truck
and headed to my friend’s house… he looked at it fiddled with it and got
it working… back in the day I would have done the same thing… argh…
it’s like my brain just shuts down and I run on emotion …. I mean
seriously… enough of this nonsense… It was really bad right after David
died… did not seem to be able to think at all… just feel… and that was
raw guttural emotions… with no checks…
I mean seriously?!
Frustrated to tears over a high jack… what is that… this from a woman
who has run her own business… more than once… raised teen aged step
children… been a rail… and on and on… totally stymied by a high jack…
Actually I have seen this before… after I was hurt in a robbery … on
the same night of the week… my mind would trigger and I would not be
able to read the restaurant tickets … on Thursday nights… happened in
the mid 1980’s … the rest of the week I was fine… managing the
restaurant… keeping things humming along… doing my thing… then wham… I
could see the words on the tickets… knew that I should know what they
were… but could not comprehend them…
I went to the doc to see
if there had been some bone fragments knocked loose from a previous head
injury… from years before… I had a bad concussion from the night of the
robbery… from the scans there were no migrating bone fragments… turns
out it was a symptom of ptsd/tbi …. Not a whine… it just is what it is…
frustrating beyond words at times… but it is what it is…
The
duress from losing my husband/best friend destabilized and amplified the
emotional rollercoaster I’ve lived with for what seems like forever…
but I am still here… still living… taking it one moment at a time…
healing… growing… working my way though this life…
I write
about this because I know I am not the only one out there… and perhaps
my story will help another to not feel so alone in this journey… perhaps
help another along the way…
A friend of mine lost her husband
a few months before I did… they were lifers like we were… after her
husband died … she had a heart attack… she is still here… taking it one
day at a time… healing… evolving… each of our journeys are different…
yet the same…
I never imagined my life without my husband… but
here I am … he is still with me… I would have preferred to have him
here healthy in mind body and spirit… but it seems that was not to be… I
am taking it day by day… sometimes moment by moment… trying to sort out
my purpose in this life… perhaps my purpose is simply to live this life
day by day…and share the journey… perhaps that…
May you walk in peace…
Mary E. Robbins
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for those of you that celebrate Easter... for
those of other beliefs...may you enjoy the beauty of the graphics... and
have a blessed day as well...
I
am officially 38 pounds down. 12 pounds from 50 pounds off… argh… now
where did that magic wand go… so I can just shake it 3 times and be down
to my goal weight and size… and condition… optimally healthy in mind
body and spirit… what do you mean I left in the other realm… no… say it
isn’t so…
Lie to me man I need the fantasy right now… I also need a cup of coffee and something to eat… well I did
make coffee… and yes with those dark roasted beans… ground them first…
fiddled with the coarseness of the grind… that is the coolest little
machine… love it… really like that is not electric too.
I
could have seriously done without waking up around 2 am in full melt
down… what the bleep was that…. Come on… major headache… literally… and
in full on bawl it out meltdown…. From being asleep. Argh… Thank you
God… yes I do mean that… for Rescue Remedy Sleep… I took some asprin…
some stuff to keep the mucus from choking me and to open my sinuses back
up… and some Rescue Remedy Sleep… and crawled back into bed… still have
a headache… but not an eye splitter like it was.
Yeah ok I
get it… I have emotions… but do they have to come out in a rave in the
middle of the night and beat me about the head…. Come on… tears are salt
water… not needed to irrigate crops with… so … enough already… and the
oceans are rising already… well I don’t know about the Great Salt Lake…
maybe it needs some more… ppphhhhtttt….
This has happened
several times over the past week or so… again… freezing cold… no hotter
than a frying pan… oh is my skin on fire… feels that way… nerves doing
their hey day dance… again… oh… no it is below zero… all topped off with
a level 5 tornado of emotions tearing their way through your being… oh
yeah it is a party here tonight… so far the cold sweats have not started
again… I know this because my sheets have not been soaked…
So
why write about this… because I know you are out there… because this
stuff has been hidden for way too bloody long. This is not a defect… not
a disease… it is our being’s… our body’s way of processing… it sucks…
yes… but it is what it is… We go about our days… doing what we have to
do… functioning… then we go to sleep… and the pot that was simmering
comes to a full boil and it all comes out… sometimes it takes a really
long time for it to come out… sometimes not so much… it is probably a
good thing that it does not all come out at once… because frankly just
processing the way it is … is totally exhausting…
So is this a
good thing or a bad thing… it is neither… it just is… how we perceive
it can turn it into a good thing or a very bad thing.
You
have a choice… yes there is that miserable word again… choice… dropping
the responsibility for how we deal with this stuff right back in our
laps. We can choose to fold up… to curl in… to slide into a never
ending ever darkening spiral of self destructive pain… and allow this
process to literally destroy us…
Or… we can choose to embrace
the process… see it as a healing process purging what has been buried
within… festering … poisoning us…
I choose… to see it as
burning away the toxic sludge that has been poisoning me… like a
purifying fire… no it is not a pleasant process… rather sucks actually…
but it is what it is… sometimes healing is … well I’ll just let you fill
in that word…
Yesterday I was caught up in the mire… last
night was a purging… I survived it… today I am stronger than I was
yesterday… and I have the gift of a bit of enlightenment… this is truly a
gift… as this morning is when I made the choice to embrace the process
rather than be torn apart by it…
Hey… sometimes it takes a
while to catch on to what is actually happening… especially when it is
all hush hush… oh no that didn’t happen… or it is night terrors… yeah
ok… it is night terrors… call it what you will… but what is it actually…
You have a choice… you can choose… and yes I know how bad
that pain is… beyond words… ok…. It is up to you whether this process
destroys you… or strengthens you… Yeah… I know… what a choice …not
exactly the words that ran through my mind … but it is what it is… and
it is up to you… never told us about this in those friggen fairy tales…
aw well…
Today I have chosen to embrace the cleansing process…
to forgive… and to let it go… what does this leave me with… it leaves
me with peace… will I have to make that choice again… yeah… more likely
than not… hence the word process…
Now on to the day…
Pete (cockatiel) is doing his good morning talk… Diesel is
grrroooaaanning… he wants to go outside… he growls… groans… then huffs…
well I am a couple hours late… when I went back to bed I did not set the
alarm since I usually wake up between 4 and 5 and this time I did not…
so they are telling me about it…
Yeah ok… I let them out and
poured me a cup of coffee. It is a bit above freezing and overcast…
with a beautiful pink display to the east… yes in the sky… of course the
wind is blowing… does not seem to be as hard as yesterday… but it is
blowing… and the wild birds are doing a concert in the evergreen tree
outside my door. The sun has come up enough to stream in my kitchen
window… fire is burning in the wood stove… dancing around the wood as
she (the fire) has her breakfast… speaking of which… I am hungry… so I
am off (yeah enough already…lol) to cook some breakfast… then vitamins…
then oxycise and taicheng… then haul in firewood… do ranch rounds…
perchance to find another egg… then it is into the quonset to sort some
more… have some phone calls to make this morning as well… I am thinking
this is going to be a full day…
May you walk in peace…
Mary E. Robbins
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