recognize the fear

Yesterday I went to a funeral… a friend’s husband had crossed over to the other side… this couple were railroaders… like David and I were railroaders… Lynn is still a railroader… her husband Mark had retired… now he is fully retired to the other side… leaving his wife and family in this life. The service was good… remembering his life… ending in a song that he had chosen… bringing smiles and tears to faces…

I made it through the service… held it together… but started coming apart before the reception… and I ran. Yes I did… I ran away… or rather drove away… headed for home. I used the excuse to myself that Lynn knew I had been there… and that she did not need a bawling rail wife at her husband’s reception…

The truth is… I never went to funerals … or any other social gatherings without David. For over 20 years… it may not seem like it… but I can be really shy in social situations. David was my rock… my shield… my strength…

I parked the jeep… and started walking up the hill to the funeral home… I looked across the street and there was the place David gave me the last bouquet of roses he ever gave me… they were lavender/cream bicolor roses… he surprised me with them after I had walked a 5k. Frankly I about lost it right then and there.

I stopped at a friend’s house on the way home… and this person made a point… frankly it was a point that I was not receptive too… but it got into my head and stayed there. He said man you missed it … you should have gone to the reception… that is when the person’s life is celebrated… we have it wrong in this country… it should be a celebration.

As he was talking about celebrating the lives of those moving on ahead… I was standing there suffocating in fear… with pain ripping through my chest… I ran again… came home… pain still ripping through my chest… silently screaming all the way home. I got into the house… visited with a girlfriend on the phone who is also a widow… she is 6 years into her new life… I managed to stomp the pain and fear down through our conversation… although I did not realize that was what I was doing.

When I got off the phone… wham… pain… panic attack… massive anxiety… grief… mixed with anger at my friend that had called me on my cowardice in running away from the reception. He did not say that directly… but that is what he did in actuality. At the time… I did not realize it was cowardice… I thought I’d been brave and stepped up… and I suppose I did to a point.

I was sitting on the couch trying to stabilize… frankly still dealing with that as anxiety tries to roll over me in waves… as I was sitting there a realization smacked me upside the head… It was not grief that drove me away from the reception… it was fear. The pain ripping through my chest was being amplified and driven by fear. Absolute … paralyzing fear… Fear of snapping back to the place in my life that I was right after David died.

When I realized what I was allowing to eat me alive… when I came to the realization that it was absolute fear… the searing pain ripping through my chest… stopped… the overwhelming anxiety subsided… the panic attack went away… yes I am still sad over my husband being gone… I miss him… and it is ok to allow myself to feel that pain of separation… but it is a choice as to whether or not to allow fear to take my life away.

David’s time in this life is done… we were two that had become one… now that part of me that was him has been ripped away… and I am healing and evolving into the next phase of my life… taking one step at a time… sometimes a very small step… with massive slips and slides… landing solidly on my face… splat…

I am choosing to recognize the fear… in all its varied forms… which frankly seem to be rather extensive… but I have noticed that when I recognize fear for what it is… I am able to step through it… and it dissipates … like smoke in the wind… leaving the other emotions behind… to be felt… to be released… leaving my life to be lived…

Yes I still miss my husband… by our plans he was still supposed to be here… but it seems our plans were superseded… so even though it is rather scary stepping forward without him… it seems that is what I am to do in order to continue actually living…

It is ok to feel the pain… it is only pain… it is ok to feel joy… it is ok to live… one moment… one breath… one step at a time…

Mary E. Robbins
facebook
twitter

time loops... nearing anniversary of David's death...

Good morning peeps…

Gratitudes:
Firewood… seriously… yes firewood
-2 degrees… forecast was -16
Breakfast… thankful to have it as some do not…

It was nearly zero outside at 7:00 a.m. YaY! Who’d a thought I’d be celebrating minus 2 degrees… but that is much warmer than what was forecast for this morning. Weather.com says it is minus 6… so glad for the few degrees warmer it is in my yards.

So very glad the electricity stayed on… have a heater in the well area by the pressure tanks… so still have water. Yay!

The past week plus has been a confusing rollercoaster ride of highs and lows… no it is not the weather I’m writing of this time. As I draw nearer to the anniversary of David’s death… the first anniversary of the death of David’s body…

Seems like it was yesterday… today… seems like forever… seems like it never happened and he is in his recliner watching John Wayne or the military channel… or … oh… here comes the truck… the sound of which the dogs and birds perk up to listen… Time has compressed… stretched out… doubled back on itself… looping and re-looping around.

Driving the truck home in the dark on icy… snow packed… snow drifted… roads with the wind swirling the falling snow around the truck… in a full on … to the point of vision messed up anxiety … panic attack after panic attack… I kept hearing his words in my head… it’s ok… you can do this… slow down… make sure the overdrive is off… put it in 4 wheel drive… ease off the gas… don’t touch the brakes… you can do this… and I did…

Once I got to the edge of the property and picked up the mail… got the truck onto what we laughingly call our driveway… the panic lifted… anxiety seemed to just go away… and we bounced on in over the frozen ruts buried in snow to the house… excited and happy that we had made it … put a log on the hot embers in the wood stove and got the fire going…

All the while the flip side of being so tense was building… everything … and I mean everything is funny then… zip zip zip goes the mind… it’s there… no it’s over here… up there… down here… fly fly fly… faster and faster… until the momentum slows down to a crawl… and nothing is funny or bright… and there is nothing… crash to a grinding halt…

Arctic cold front… subzero temps… go out and do ranch rounds… then I hear the whisper in my mind… you can do this… one step at a time… calm… you can do this… Siberian air mass has come to visit… fear… fear … fear… fear for my animals… fear… to breathe the air… chest constricts… shhhhh…. Quiet… you can do this… stock yard boots… insulated coveralls… dish towel around my face… leave glasses in the house… brown eyes peeking out from under layers… cap… hat… hood… get your hoe… use it to keep balance… head out the door and up the hill…

The sun is shining bright… and it is made of ice… make sure everyone has feed… water… give treats… don’t know how long was outside… just was… until I wasn’t… hours… back to the house… let the house critters out… they are not acclimated… out for a moment and back inside… do not sit down until they are back inside… strip off the layers… hang on to the wall to get the stockyard boots off… slowly climb out of the insulated coveralls… totally soaked under-layers… sweat… body is done… legs quivering like a racehorse that has been run too far… but still standing… strip off wet clothes… find something dry… put another log in the woodstove… coffee… water… coffee… collapse into recliner… feet on side of buffet… crashed… totally exhausted… coffee getting cold sitting on buffet… asleep in the chair…

Wake to cooling house and cold coffee… drink it anyway… put another log in the woodstove… nuke some leftover soup… warm… back into chair… try to read and write… wake again sometime later… put another log on the fire… say goodnight stagger off to bed…

They say whatever does not kill you makes you stronger… hmmmmm…. Which this will be remains to be seen… If I am still here in this life… in this body in the spring… then I suppose I will be stronger… hey I should be a friggen spartin racer by then… or passed out frozen in the yards… either way… it is what it is… then I hear that whisper in my mind… you can do this… it’s not your time yet… when it is it is… in the meantime… you can do this…

I hear wild birds singing in the cold of the morning… celebrating a new day…

Mary E. Robbins
facebook
twitter

Ramble... Ramble... Ramble...

Just got back inside from checking the girls (chickens) for eggs.... none to be had... seems I am down to 2 guineas... had 3 ... one is probably coyote lunch ... they are getting pretty old so perhaps it just dropped from old age... don't know... just know it wasn't on it's roost with the others... fed the girls... the cats... the big dogs... gave all the Pominators up top biscuits... as well as the big dogs... fed the quackers (ducks)... dumped their water tank and refilled it... I do love to listen to them talk...

ran water into the low trough for the chickens so they have fresh water... need to straw the runs and houses... don't know how much of it I'll actually get done before the weather turns really cold... it was one of those 2 people jobs... and even then it was rather overwhelming... ok... just deal with it... nothing like bawling over straw...

A friend asked me if I’d cut his hair for him tomorrow… I probably shouldn’t work in that straw all day anyway… frankly I don’t know that I actually could anyway… anyway I said ok… also said I can do a buzz cut or a buzz cut… that’s as far as my hair cutting skill on another person goes… then visit a bit and come back home and see what more I can get done here… I’m gonna give it a go… I may or may not make it there… such a simple thing… yet I can feel the anxiety/panic rising in my throat… annoying crap…

Think I have enough anyways in there…. Ha!

Legs are screaming tonight… was painful to get the dogs done… it would be such a blessing to actually have a day without pain… gee wouldn’t that be a thought… aw well it is what it is… at least I am still walking… that in itself is a blessing… I remember what my grandmother’s and my mother’s legs were like… scares the bejeebers out of me at times…

Ran out of time and did not take my vitamins and omega 3’s this morning… whew I can sure tell the difference… miss those omega 3’s and my state of mind takes a definite downswing. Need that stuff (omega 3’s) so my body can make enough serotonin to stay out of depression. Don’t know if I’m just not getting enough in the food I eat… or if it’s stress… just burning it up… probably both… but there is a definite difference when I don’t take them… and it’s not a positive one.

Yeah I know… eat more fish… yeah well… hmmmmm…. I can handle fish up to a point… then… well… hmmmmm… no… I’ll just take the omega 3’s… Used to eat fish 5 to 7 days a week… if I make it once a week now I’m doing good… perhaps that will change in the future… just one step at a time… right now… just gag… literally…

Naughty Miss Molly is barking at the Kitty Trio… geez she is such a nag… and so very proud of herself for it… look ma I told em… I did … I told em… over and over again… naggity nag nag nag… Larry (orange and white tom cat) just looks at her through the fence… he is around twice her size… with razor sharp claws…

Gonna grab me some coffee and go appreciate that moon… then bring the Pominators and mastiffs in for the night… have a small fire going in the wood stove… need to cover some more windows with plastic… that may or may not get done too… the plastic film… not the Pominators… best get another cart of firewood brought in tomorrow… or at least up to the door…

Yeah… my mind is just rambling on… I am looking forward to see what the tat artist comes up with…I gave him the basics of what I wanted… he said he would have a drawing by Monday…

Ok… coffee… moon… Pominators…

Later taters…

Mary E. Robbins
facebook
twitter

monster panic attack

 monster panic attack yesterday... body exhausted today... emotions flipping back and forth between numb/exhausted... royally pissed... and sad... riding the roller-coaster... where is the hand brake... seriously... geez...

just sayin... peeps dealing with panic attacks... are not looking for attention... are not looking for sympathy... it just is what it is...

Mary E. Robbins
facebook
twitter 

July 3rd, 2013... a day in the life...

6:30 a.m.
Good morning peeps... house critters are all outside enjoying the morning temps... I've had my toast and coffee... heading outside to start up the big mower... miss my Hubs... we used to sit at the table and have coffee and eat breakfast... and visit... sometimes just be together... we walked up on the taller hill behind the house and watched the 4th of July fireworks from a distance... we could see some from the various towns in the distance...

We cherished the times we were able to spend holidays together... because most of the time we could not... he did not lie to get off work... so most holidays he was out on the trains... I am thankful for the love and time we had together... we were going to grow old together...

David went on ahead... I know he is ok... whew... ok... deep breath... and another... heading outside to run the big mower... it really is beautiful outside this morning... heard the pheasant calling this morning... the cockatiels ... pete and blue... are singing greetings to the morning...

Greetings... to the Morning...

11:30 a.m.
Well my plans got changed... I was filling the gas tank on the dr mower when my back decided to spasm... grrrrrr... spilled some gas but at least I did not drop the can. Then I went to start the mower... dead battery again... ugh... so the charger is on it... when I park it this time it will be either in the quonset or close to it... with a maintenance charger on it. We'll see if that works.

Mowed down some more grass and weeds down between the quonset and the chicken run... made a bit of a mess out of the mower blade. It still works but is pretty dinged up... It will take quite some time... but I will be glad to have the iron and stuff gone off this place... or all piled together... at least there will be no wild critters hiding in thigh high grasses as I walk by there.

the muscles around my rib cage did not hold long today... used up about all they had knocking down those last weeds and trimming the base of a tree. Thought I'd rake a bit... but that did not work... will have to wait for another day.

going to try the dr mower again in a bit... I know it will be hot out but perhaps I can manage to get a bit mowed. probably not a good idea... but if I can control the mower I am going to give it a go.

have dishes soaking in the kitchen sink... stripped the bed and put the sheets in the washer... dog laundry half done... the pads for the mastiff's beds still need washed.

I did not sleep well last night... woke up every hour... has left me rather tired. A soak in an epsom salts bath may be a good idea after I have done the dishes and folded some laundry.

Not sure what I am going to do for the 4th of july... if anything special. Fireworks are so hard on the dogs I will not be having any here... do not think I would risk it as dry as the grass is in any event. Torrington announced that they were cancelling theirs... I believe Scottsbluff is still setting theirs off... not crazy about driving home after... I've been staying very close to home at night since David passed.

In time perhaps my adventurous spirit will return... One step at a time...

1:30 p.m.
 I did it! I got the dr mower started… I followed through and mowed one of the driveways … walked it for an hour… and an added bonus… I stopped at an hour. Celebrating stopping after an hour may sound silly… but it is not… let me put it in perspective for you. I tend to get out there and just keep going until I can go no longer… now you would think that would get more accomplished. Well it does not! When I keep going until I can go no longer, it is literally until I can go no longer and I end up unable to function for days afterwards. So pacing myself and stopping in a prescribed amount of work or time actually allows me to accomplish more. Hopefully without the injuries to my body I usually incur.

Peeled my sweat soaked clothes off… after I pick the cheat grass heads out of my compression pants I am going to do a load of colored laundry and wash the sweat and dirt out of them. Rehydrating with a greenberry Shakeology smoothie. Going to cool down… then get in a tepid Epsom salts bath and hopefully start on my inside list again.

I blew it yesterday after working outside and crashed when I came back inside. Giving myself some time parameters today to try to keep focused on the various tasks. Perhaps that will help to keep my mind focused and away from grief … anxiety… panic attacks… and the rest of that nightmare as well.

I choose to function…. I never really thought of that as a choice… but I have discovered it is an active choice for me these days… often a determined one to actually make it come to pass. Who’d a thought.

Take 30 minutes to drink Shakeology smoothie and cool down… then bath… then it’s off to town to take care of some business that needs to be done today and refuel the jeep and get chicken feed. Oh yeah… the girls gave us 5 eggs today. YaY…I got them before whatever else is eating them. No broken egg shells in the chicken house…

Then back home make the bed, wash some more dishes, fold some clothes, get online and do some research.

Winding down… truth be told I’d just as soon curl up on the couch and take a nap… but that is not for now. I want to be able to say to my self… I did it at the end of this day.


May you walk in peace...

Mary E. Robbins
find me on facebook
follow me on twitter
Shakeology: 

 

Celebrating a Victory!

I did it! I used the push mower for an hour on heavy grass and weeds on very uneven terrain… yeah baby! I am thinking I’ve gotten a good workout in for today. I used the small mower because most of this was close work around fences and junk… the DR mower is to big for me to handle safely on that close in work. Really do not want to destroy it’s shaft or blade because I ran it over some old equipment buried in the grass…. Ugh… so it’s the small one that is not self propelled. Between the kennels and the mowing I was outside working around 3 hours… lots more to do… but if I am planning on being able to function at all tomorrow… it’s time for me to stop on the majorly physical stuff today… need to put these legs up and cool down and rehydrate. Sure feels good when I look at all the mowing I’ve gotten done… tomorrow… the drive ways again… that will probably take all the time I am allocating for mowing tomorrow.

Then there is some work I want to do on the computer… prayers that this works out well… thanks…

My tomato plants have 4 or 5 green tomatoes on them… YaY! And lots of blooms… loving it… the rest of the garden… well that did not really happen… have a few cucumbers planted. Ah well… will try to keep the peonies alive this time around and soak my mums, asters, grapes and see if I can keep the aspen trees alive that I planted last fall….

Have the radio station set on a positive upbeat station… what a wonderful difference that makes…

What a difference a few hours can make. This morning I woke up in a fit of terror. Major anxiety… panic attack setting on in full force… talked to my cousin a bit then took my omega 3’s, saint johns wort, and rescue remedy… ate breakfast and headed out the door to do kennel rounds. Before I went out I set the radio station on a positive station… that helped as well… there still are no clear answers to how things are going to go from day to day… but my mindset is much better than it was this morning… and I actually accomplished something rather than crashing and being nonfunctional… this may not sound like much but it is so very very major….

Celebrating a Victory….

Life is a journey...  one moment one breath at a time...

Mary E. Robbins
find me on facebook
follow me on twitter