May 2011 is gone, stepping on to June...

WoW, May is dead and gone.  So are my goals for that month. For some reason I seemed to get stuck in place.  Jet ski without it's rider circling around the same patch of water until it's fuel ran out.

That was me this past month. I started out great guns, rock n roll... then phttttt...  Circling for days, then completely ran out of fuel. So what happened?!  Feel like I'm digging around in the decomposing carcass of last month.  What happened, and what can I do to change the outcome for this month?

I lost focus, lost control of my time, and frankly hid in farmville. I allowed the changes in living arrangements to overwhelm me.  It's been a challenging adjustment having David at home all the time.

Even more so trying to regulate his blood sugar. When it get's high it triggers outbursts of uncontrollable rages. I had to decide this month whether I was going to stay here and subject myself to his rages or walk away.  His rage triggered a panic attack, and depression in me.  When his sugar is not spinning out of control he is a good guy. But when he has a piss fit and does not regulate his sugar he is a monster to be around.

It took me most of the month to decide what to do. Tough decision, we have been together since 1990. There have been fits of rage throughout the time we have been together; however the were more positive times than awful.  But then he was gone 3/4 of the time working on the train. So who actually knows how much of the time he spent spinning out of control.  I only know what he was like around me. He seems to lose all cognizant function when he is caught up on the rages.

The challenge is to sort out how much of it is temper tantrum, and how much of it is directly related to blood sugar that is too high.  His behavior has been reminiscent of my Uncle Gene's behavior.  Never knew which person you were going to be with and he could switch without a second's notice.  When he was nice he was wonderful, when he was raging it was like Freddie Kruger on acid. Made life around him like walking through a live mine field. Never knew when you would step on a mine.  I wonder now if he had blood sugar problems as well, because he acted as if he didn't remember his "episodes".  David is the same way.  I thought he was just trying to not take responsibility for his crap actions to start with; but I have come to the conclusion he has no clear memory of his actions when he is in rage.

Dealing with my Uncle growing up nearly pushed me over the edge into a complete psychotic break.  It took me years of work to stabilize; and it's a tenuous stability at that. (anyone that has been through that kind of on going abuse can tell you that)  David's episodes triggered some pretty destabilizing reactions within myself this past month.

I made the decision to work with him a bit longer and try to help him stabilize his blood sugar.  He is going to have to take responsibility for himself at some point... time will tell what happens.

I acted out and ate too much food, and crawled into my shell and hid.  For some reason it seems like the fatter I get the safer I feel.  Looks like I've been hiding in a fat suit.

So; what am I going to do to change my situation.

1. I am researching diabetes, looking into healthful alternatives. Reading, researching.

2. Made a weight loss goal for myself. I would love to lose 20 lbs of fat this month. That works out to an average deficit of 2,334 calories per day. I am not going to starve myself, I am going to keep track, eat healthful, and increase physical activity.

3. How am I going to accomplish the calorie deficit: gardening, hip hop abs, oxycise, turbo jam, house cleaning, walking, incline trainer.

4. Structuring my time. Not set in stone but a daily plan; with my to do list.

5. Accept the fact that there are some things I can not change. Realize that I am not responsible for the things I can not change.  I am however, responsible for those things I can change.

Yes the Serenity Prayer is a Litany in my life.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

So be it!

Life is a journey... new discoveries around each twist in the path...
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202

Brrrrrrr: October 11th, 2008

Cold rain now, just a miserable drizzle. It is supposed to change into freezing rain then snow. Possibly 1 to 5 inches of snow. Just brr. Frankly I hope we don’t get the snow this time around.

This coming week is supposed to be warmer. In the 60’s. I need to spray the dog runs down again and rake up the mess. Then put bedding in the houses and front of the dog runs.

David had a low blood sugar episode early this morning. I am glad I was here to catch it. I gave him a short can of coke. That usually brings his sugar up; that cold sweat thing means he is pretty far into it. I am glad he woke up. I worry that he just won’t wake up sometime. I’ll sure miss him if that happens.

We postponed the next wave of dogs to go to the staging area. That gives me a bit more time to work through who is going and who is not. I have reduced my kennel down quite a bit. Much more and I am going to lose my various blood lines. Working on the rest of the rescues that came in here. Move more of those out to their new homes. Nice dry warm homes. Rather than cold drizzle. Yes they have dog houses, but it can still be pretty cold when the initial weather changes come on.

David is out of lunches for work so it’s time to cook up some menus so he can take meals with him for the trip to the mines and back. I am not thinking very clearly but I need to figure something out.

Roast beef and veggies
roast pork and veggies
jalapeño sausage w/red beans and rice
stroganoff w/hamburger
Mac-n-cheese w/veggies & hamburger
Lasagna –skillet
polish sausage and cornbread
hamburger steak
biscuits and gravy
beef & bean enchilada layer bake

That’s all I can think of for now. 10 different entrees will work out to 40 meals. Now to get started.

Mom and I tried to work out some more on the dogs. I have been trying to include her in the placement process. I am not sure if that is making it harder or easier for her. She called crying this morning. I did a fair amount of that myself yesterday. It is difficult to let go of the dogs that are going out. But it is better for the dogs. Truthfully if I had some help to work with the dogs it wouldn’t be necessary to place any more.

Change that it wouldn’t be necessary to place any more through the rescues. As difficult as this process has been I am extremely thankful for the help from the rescues. They have been invaluable in this process.

Sorting through them has been quite the job. The initial rescue I have been working with has been handling that process. She is pretty thorough in her research. Thank God! People in rescue run the full gamut from really great to just flat scary. Same as with dog breeders, or any other segment of society.

The septic system is installed at my cousin’s place. The main contractor got in there and wrapped it up pretty quickly. I was very happy to hear that the job was finished. Why my cousin had to play childish communication games is beyond me. Always some nonsense to try and get people to run after her. Then to call my mother and try to create more havoc between my mother and myself and my 93 year old aunt is just way past the limit. Childish pathetic, spiteful, ungrateful hateful, nonsense; that about covers that. No thank-you for stepping up and getting the contractor hired and the job completed. No not from her. Just hateful troublemaking as usual. I will give her this, she at least had enough courtesy to call our aunt and thank her for footing the bill for her septic system.

Makes me sad that such a simple situation was turned into a nightmare by someone that should have just said thank-you.

Nothing I can do about that though. Would have been nice if we could have worked together. Or have been friends, but that just seems impossible. It’s like walking on egg shells with this 50 plus year old woman. You never know when she is going to go sulking off rather than discussing things or following through. Always the whisper, whisper, sneak with her. I don’t know why I expected anything else from her; as long as I can remember she has been this way with me.

From the time I was a child on to now. Unreal nonsense. One of the major things that sticks out in my mind was the bawling temper tantrum she threw at my wedding. Simply because she was asked to wait until the photographer took the main wedding photos; to take her photos, so the flash wouldn’t interfere with his flash, and ruin the photos. She is decent with a camera, would have been great if she had stepped up to help him. But no, she had to have a bawling temper tantrum and run out of the wedding.

Always some temper tantrum or some side dig. Frankly it’s exhausting dealing with her. I am not doing a very good job of just laying it down and moving on. Not at this point.

All of the mess with the septic system, sorting through my mom’s dogs, and placing so many has made my emotions a raw jumble. Doesn’t take much to make them spaz out of control.

Yesterday was a prime example of that. Discuss dogs, and then bawl. Discuss dogs, and then bawl. I got off the phone before I was overwhelmed with emotions. But they were just under the surface, erupting all over the place over and over all bloody day.

Today is an overwhelming sense of sadness and exhaustion. Topped of by a good dose of fear after the episode with David this morning. Really reinforced the issue of having the kennels small enough for me to handle on my own. So far we have been catching the sugar lows, before he goes into a coma. I’ve gotta get myself in check, the last thing he needs when he wakes up is some hysterical female coming unglued.

The irony is that he doesn’t remember what happens when his sugar really drops. So he has no idea why I am so frazzled. When I can’t get my emotions back in check. I stay pretty calm when he is in crisis and just do what ever needs to be done. It’s afterwards that I go bat sh*t nuts.

AAAAARRRRRAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At the top of my lungs!

It’s probably a good thing that he doesn’t remember what it’s like when his sugar drops. Makes it easier for him to live his life.

Good grief it is already 3:13 p.m. Get your butt up and go out to the freezer and get supplies and start cooking before there are no meals ready when he is called to work. Just deal with it. MOVE NOW!

Life is a journey…some days are frazzling.
Mary E. Robbins

Robbins Run Ranch

307.788.0202