Hello Friday...

Good morning peeps… the sun is shining bright… it is a charming 25 frosty degrees F here this morning… supposed to get up to 57 today according to the forecast…

Having my coffee, honey and raw organic cacao nibs… after breakfast had 1 duck egg… yam slices fried and 3 slices of bacon… yum… pretty much my typical breakfast these days… other than the duck egg… it’s been chicken eggs… at any rate my stomach is not roaring any more… after I’ve had my coffee I am going to take my vitamins… then a hot soak in the tub with some zeolite and Epsom salts… yes I am an aching sore woman this morning…

Then it is Oxycise and tai-cheng… then out the door to transfer 2 cats out of the live traps into straw filled crates with feed and water until they go in to be spayed/neutered… and rabies vaccinated… and reset the traps… here’s hoping we are done with this bit by this coming week…

Then it’s clear out the junk/stuff out of my pickup cab… pay bills… fold laundry and put it away… do ranch rounds… take care of the cats that have already been spayed/neutered… keeping them caged up for a bit to heal… and to keep them from being caught in the live traps again… look for duck and chicken eggs… fold laundry… have some errands to run… and possibly place some of these cats as barn cats to another ranch… want to work on my porch exterior walls… tapping in all the nail heads before I start sanding to repaint… seriously do not think I will have time to be bored…lol… oh yeah and if possible work on the surround fence and the garden fence… well alrighty then… seriously need to clean out and organize my office/library as well… and pantry… and Quonset… geez… ok… take a breath… getting overwhelmed accomplishes nothing… beating myself up because it all does not get done in a day … accomplishes nothing but making myself miserable… fed up with miserable… sooooooo…

Breathe… take another deep breath…. Take it one step at a time… make a list… put what needs to be done first near the top… and take it one thing at a time for a specific amount of time… and do what you can… the rest will just have to wait for another day… another list… and that is ok…

I hear a dove calling … beautiful sound… the cockatiels are messing about in their cage… impatiently waiting for the weather to warm up enough for their cage to be set outside during the day… Blue is sitting in the feed dish… Pete is on their main perch… their cage is sitting on top of Mow Mow Tat’s kitty condo… she is asleep on her padded shelf… the Pominators and mastiffs have already been outside for their morning run and back inside… the Kitty Trio (Larry Curly and Mo) are outside in their kitty run… there are purple and yellow crocus blooming… love their bright colors … the tulips are up…not blooming yet…

I did not sleep well last night… I was worried about a cat I had not trapped yet… nor seen for several days… when I went out to check the traps this morning (there are 2 traps) she was in there… such a relief… I thought she had died or been killed by predators… that is always a risk out here… I am hoping that having the females spayed it will stop drawing the feral tom cats in… most of these cats have never been touched before being caught in these traps… no the cat I was worried about has never been handled either… totally wild.

Ok… gotta get moving … frankly I am stiff and sore and feel like sticking my feet up in the recliner and doing absolutely nothing but sleeping and perhaps reading or watching tv… but that is not going to get anything on that list done… nor am I going to get physically stronger… so… here goes…

May you have a blessed day…

Mary E. Robbins
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spring snow

Good Morning Peeps… I soooooo need coffee...

It is an overcast day here today… not really cold… 32 degrees F… feels like spring… a spring snowball storm…  yes it is snowing… tiny snowballs… part of my tulips are up… so are some of the asters… cleared winter blow in weeds out of one of the lower yards and part of the asparagus field… did that the day before yesterday… yesterday was kind of a lost day… high anxiety and exhaustion… feel better this morning…

Gonna grab some breakfast… bacon, country blend veggies, an egg and coffee… then head out the door to get ranch rounds done early…

Then do Oxycise and tai-cheng… finish scrubbing out the refrigerator… fold some laundry… and do some reading…

May you have a blessed day…

Mary E. Robbins
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choosing freedom... what's it mean

Good Morning Peeps!

And a frosty good morning at that… it is a charming 10 degrees F in my front yard… according to my thermometer… weather.com says 7 degrees… hey I’ll take the 3 degrees warmer… lol… looks like between one and 2 inches of snow…the birds are at the feeder now… thinking I’ll see if I can get some scraps to cook down into suet and mix a bit of grain into it and put it out there for them… may just buy a suet block… I don’t know yet… depends… this week is filling up pretty fast.

Yesterday was a strange day of ups and downs… got most of my workout in… oxycise and tai-cheng… did not make it through hip hop abs… I was totally thrilled that my weight was under 280 lbs…

In between phone calls, work about the place, a meeting, and working out yesterday I watched a movie that a friend recommended that I had not seen in years… there were a couple of lines in there that really struck a chord with me… and no these are probably not exact quotes…

One of the lines was: Live off the land… do your own thing… in your own time…

That actually sounds really good to me… involves a good bit of work… understatement of the year… lol… involves working with each other… a lot of give and take between folks… caring for each other… be a great way to live… actual community…

The other that really jumped out at me was: Talking about freedom and actually being free are two very different things.

Freedom can mean so very many different things… and has infinite variations within each person… it is so much a state of mind… a way of thinking… of being… of living…

Tony Robbins talks about freedom in Personal Power II… he doesn’t call it freedom… but that is what it is… Eckhart Tolle
… another one lighting the way to freedom… Jesus Christ talked about it … and showed the way to freedom… no I do not mean religion… religion and the way Christ lived are two totally different things…

Christ carried a message of love and freedom… and He lived that way…

Religion… no not so much… or rather not at all… from what I have seen “religion” has been used for control… to gain power over others (much like government in many cases) … for condemnation all the while spouting love and truth when in essence it has shown itself to be anything but loving and truthful… so much greed… greed for power… for control… and yes for money as well… in the name of One who is not about said things at all…

Crying out freedom of religion… freedom of religion… when what they actually mean is freedom to believe whatever “we” say whenever “we” say it… or you are free to be condemned and scorned… freedom to follow as slaves to whomever is in leadership positions… from the top echelons to the lower levels… “our” way is the only way… give us your love… give us your will… give us your choice… give us your money… give us your lives… or you are condemned… oh and by the way we love you that is why we condemn you…love us and do what we say or we will take that love away... for without our guidance you are worthless… of no value … to be cast out into oblivion…

Am I saying to lock the doors on all the churches… temples… synagogues… and alters… and walk away… no I am not… I am saying be awake… be aware …

Those that are true… they will appreciate and celebrate with you… those that are not… well… you know what they did to Christ… they are not going to like it… and there can be some really …. Well …. Hmmmmm… just eck… reactions… sometimes from folks you thought were your family and friends… or trusted leaders… (got a really strong eck reaction yesterday from someone who is not pleased with the changes in me … actually from a couple of people… kind of just… wow… some people seem to feed on grief and depression… and when you become stronger… more free… closer to happiness… wowzers… they are not happy campers… well ok then … thanks for showing me who you really are…)

No it is not just religion… religion is in the forefront of my mind because of what is happening to a friend of mine…. I am watching as the light that was burning bright within her is dimmed more and more as she is drawn deeper and deeper into spirit stifling mind numbing bondage… steeped in fear and condemnation… yes I tried to clang warning bells… but she can not hear me at this time… or chooses not to… saddens me to see her choosing this particular path… but it is her choice… and stepping away from things can be frightening… change… freedom… can be truly terrifying….

On the flip side… it can be amazingly exhilarating and fulfilling as well… strange how that works…

This has been a year of transitions… of personal evolution… growth… and some of it… has been excruciatingly painful… and absolutely terrifying…

Through this process… I am becoming aware… stepping towards freedom… sometimes covering my head and hiding for a while… only to peek out and inch forward again… it is a process to be sure…

I have three goals this year … in stepping towards freedom…

1. To be debt free: I realized I have been in debt since I graduated high school and started at university in 1978. Thirty six years I’ve been on this treadmill to feed the greed… enough already…
2. To be excess fat free: No, I do not mean a fat free diet… not! I mean I have stepped away from and am in the process of stepping away from toxic foods. Moving towards non-gmo, organic, whole foods, and in the process the fat is coming off and my body is becoming healthier…
3. To live free: so… what does that mean… to me it means to appreciate each moment… to actually allow myself to live it… allowing myself to be happy… an attitude of gratitude… rather than beating myself up over choices from the past… or fear of the future… to actually live… rather than exist… it also means I am stepping away from consumerism … that rat trap… or rather treadmill to feed the greed… I mean … how much stuff do we actually need… is this “stuff” in actuality a substitute for human connection… human connection that we have in reality sacrificed for stuff… yeah I know… these questions can give you a huge headache… oh… and no, this does not mean I am going to throw all my “stuff” in the trash… come on… really… it does mean I am sorting… choosing… de-cluttering… moving towards a more simplified life…

Now that I’ve written this… actually put it out there… impulse is to go hide in my closet… but I’m not going to do that… I am taking a breath… probably going to grab the rescue remedy… because yes I am freaking a bit… taking another breath… and stepping forward…

Had a bit of a rant on today… hope this makes sense…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Breathe... one step at a time... just breathe...

Good Morning Peeps…

Yeah baby… I am officially under 280 lbs… 279.6 lbs…not very far under it… but under it just the same… have lost more than 10% of my total body weight… happy dance… happy dance… happy dance…

Ok…got my celebrate in… now to go get oxycise/tai cheng/hiphop abs done for the day.

Oh… wait… another celebrate… wiggle wiggle dance dance…. Wiggle wiggle dance… yeah I know a scary visual…hehehehe…. I actually did a plank… totally amazed… didn’t do it for very long… as in a miniscule amount of time… but that is more than I could do…

There’s a couple of canvases floating around in my head… not quite ready to start on them yet… getting kinda excited… looking like there is an artist’s studio in my future… but one step at a time…

Cooking up some veggies to go with some chicken I baked… actually stir frying some frozen green beans with garlic, cayenne, and black pepper in a bit of coconut oil… really looking forward to not carrying around this extra fat. Yup…

Busy busy day… ok breathe… do one thing at a time… one bit at a time… no overload… bypass overload… one thing at a time…

You can do this… whew… ok…

Later taters…

Mary E. Robbins
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one step at a time

Good Morning Peeps!

Whew! I did it… oxcise, tai cheng (day 5), hip hop abs fat blasting cardio… Majorly stiff and sore this morning… truth be told I did not want to move at all… but if I had not it would have been a very miserable painful day… rather than a painful hour… well yeah… there will be some pain throughout the day as well… but not as much.

No it is not just the workout. Yesterday as I was walking back to the lower yard from the chicken house with a bucket of grains and seeds for the birdfeeder… my right foot went out from under me on the wet snow… only a couple of inches deep… and I fell … hard… on my right leg and hip… I did not feel it much at the time… and came in and put absorbine jr on my knee and leg… but later my legs swelled… and I started feeling it all the way up through my right shoulder….

On an up note… I did not dislocate my knee…yay! I can still walk… and much of the swelling went down over night… still carrying around a bit over 2 pounds of swelling…

I seriously would not have wanted to go directly into hip hop abs this morning… was way too stiff… the oxycise… gets the oxygen moving and starts warming up the muscles… tai cheng… takes it even further… working on static moves right now… then hip hop abs gets everything moving… and moving… lol..

All of these workouts have much more intense levels than what I am at… I am taking it day by day getting stronger… I have no desire to injure myself in a workout and have to deal with that setback… been there done that before… thanks I’ll pass… so I am learning more patience… and just taking it a step at a time…

You know kinda like I would so like all this fat off at once and to be in prime condition… magic wand anybody… lol… does not work that way… one breath… one step… one day at a time…

Mary E. Robbins
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have a fab monday...I dare ya...

Good morning Peeps…

Gratitudes:
Common sense…
Breakfast
Friends that care

I’ve started tracking weight fluctuations again… and today my weight bounced a bit. I went from 282.4 to 282.8 seems silly but it is annoying. I know I did not eat enough calories to create a fat gain… so it is either swelling… or muscle gain… the swelling … ppphhhhttttt… could do without that… the muscle… that is a good thing… still would have preferred a weight loss over a weight gain of any kind… but it is what it is…

Put the mastiffs outside and checked the thermometer… with the sounds of the wind last night I was pretty leery of even opening the door… but it was between 30 and 40 degrees… yay… and that was a bit before 5 a.m.

Time to bring them back in and put the Pominators out… had breakfast… 1 egg, bacon, sautéed spaghetti squash, part of an organic orange and coffee.

Actually woke up kinda sore and bummed… then I read a post… that said… let’s choose to have a fabulous Monday… and I agreed… you know it is a choice… and I choose to have a Fab Monday! going for it... mood swings and all...

Gonna go put the Pominators out… then it’s on to oxycise and tai cheng… a meeting at 8 and on with the day…

Mary E. Robbins
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Catharsis... Healing...

Hello Peeps…

Yesterday was an exhausting day… all in all it was a good day… but difficult… very painful… and exhausting. It was a day of cathartic healing… memories and pain dating all the way back to my early childhood bubbling to the surface… ripping out through my chest like a machete slicing from the inside… bursting out to be free… raw pain honed to an indescribable edge through years of submersion … hidden in memory or in that place beyond… moving into memory… and on…

My head hurts… and my body is totally exhausted…acutely painful…. miserable hard work … healing can be…

I understand why so many stay in denial… or keep pain buried carrying it on in depression as it festers below… yes I do… even though it is toxic stealing their very lives away…

Working your way through it … is confusing and overwhelming… the catharsis feels as if you are literally being ripped apart physically from the inside out…

So why do this… because through this healing… this catharsis… growth… on the other side of it is …. Freedom…

Sweet sweet freedom… freedom to live life…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Wake Up It's Coffee Time... shake that booty...

Good Morning Peeps!

Gratitudes:
31 lbs down… yeah baby
Shaun T… Hip Hop Abs
Tangy Tangerine…

Just finished Hip Hop Abs Fat blasting cardio… and I actually made it all the way through it… yeah baby! Good music… hey I like rhythm … good eye candy… and excellent benefits. Physically it’s a good workout… and Mentally and Emotionally… a good workout releases endorphins… our very own mood elevators… no nasty side effects… well unless you call feeling better a nasty side effect.

The hairballs and mastiffs are all outside… it was 40 degrees here this morning when I stepped outside a bit after 5 a.m.

Coffee’s been made… and now I am off to make breakfast… fried banana in coconut oil… a bit of sausage and an egg… then vitamins… grab my work shoes and head out for morning ranch rounds… yes I know there is enough work on this ranch to be a constant workout… so why workout in the mornings… hmmmm… well the breathing exercises I did before hip hop abs… oxygenates my body… and hopefully is increasing my lung function… hip hop abs is a good upbeat way to start the day… as well as working on my core muscles big time…without being a total drudge… bottom line… I feel better when I do this…

Hungry… heading to the kitchen…
May you walk in peace…
http://bit.ly/CoachMary
if you want to look it over…

Mary E. Robbins
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words...images... emotions...

Good Morning Peeps…

Gratitudes:
Warm fire
Breakfast
Another day

Hmmmmm…. Well Christmas is over….and I am still here. The one year anniversary of David’s death has come and gone…. And frankly I am confused… confused and tired. I would truly like to stay home today and hibernate… but alas that is not to be.

Yesterday I painted two canvases… not good not bad… just is… kind of like the art… it just is… I sit here and I look at it and I think where did that come from and what is it… then I think whoa … I know where that came from and what it is… then later it is something else… I’ve done 3 pieces this past week…

There is more in there … bubbling around wanting to come out… catharsis…

Words are not really flowing as I sit here and stare at the screen… tick tock… tick tock… time is inching by… rumble rumble stir and tumble… emotions rolling around like a thundercloud… in a tornado warning zone… blacks and grays with jagged yellow flashes… wanting to go onto canvas… alas … there is no canvas… hmmmm… alternatives…

Idea… old canvas stretched across a board… leave jagged curling edges… part of the piece… no this has not been created yet… just flashing through my mind… words and images interchanging… try to write… oh there’s images… paint… no there’s words… a storm a stew… of impressions… emotions… worn denim… white paint…wood… more images… simple clean white canvas so much simpler… but then what is simple about my mind… absolutely nothing… conflict switch… change… breathe… calm… paint… louder and louder screaming to be let out… boiling in their intensity… Quiet! … subside under the surface… the deceptively calm surface… glimpses of shifting images below the calm… boiling below… waiting to come out… the surface shatters as one image after another crashes through the surface… jumping to canvas… jumping to screen in words… rushing about… geez I need some coffee… coffee stain on white canvas… and we’re off again…

Alright… dogs have been run out and back in… breakfast done… 15 minutes… change clothes… gotta go…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Smile... Smile... Wham... let it go...

Good Morning Peeps!

Gratitudes:
Chinook wind…
A night’s rest
Hot coffee in the morning

I woke before my alarm went off at 5 a.m. … somewhere around 4:30 to hear the wind blowing through the trees … and frankly the sound filled me with dread… as I thought it was a cold freezing wind… got up came out to let the mastiffs out and start the day… and much to my happy surprise… it was over 40 degrees outside… it was a Chinook wind… yay!

I just had to stand outside for a bit and feel it’s silky warm caress slide around my body as I gazed up into the dark sky and savored the view of the moon and stars…

Yes I usually bebop out the door in whatever I’ve been sleeping in and some flip flops or slippers… hey I live out on a ranch… nearest neighbor is a bit over ½ mile a way… plus it is usually inky dark when I go out in the mornings… there are advantages to living in the boonies… hehehehe….

The wild birds are celebrating in the trees… singing their morning song… the Pominators are outside bouncing around the yards… forecast is for snow then rain later today… could be an “interesting” drive home this evening depending on how much ice freezes on the roads…

Yesterday started out great… unfortunately by afternoon exhaustion and fevers had set in… arraaggghh… I knew I was tired but did not realize how feverish I was until someone complained of the heat in the place… I was freezing cold or rather felt like I was… I turned the heat back down… because It was not going to matter how hot it was in there… I was still going to feel like I was freezing. By the end of the day I was pretty well done in… then wave after wave of emotion swept in as I was trying to drive home… geesh… what a drive that was… the emotion seriously knocked me sideways…

I got home stoked the fire… ran the hairballs out and back in… cleaned up whatever messes they’d made… ate a bit of dinner… sat down in the recliner and programmed in hostages and was immediately asleep… with hostages running in a loop on the tv through the cbs site… I still have not seen the end of the one I was trying to watch… lol… I woke up sometime around midnight… stoked the woodstove again and stumbled on into my bed…

As to what triggered the emotion… geez I don’t know… exhaustion… total fatigue… fevers… frustration… or just life in general… whatever… it triggered… came gushing out like a geyser… beat the snot out of me and dispersed… I kept telling myself to allow myself to feel it… and let it go… as I bawled… sniffled and snotted my way down the road in my pickup truck… it’s a bit like something out of a friggen cartoon… wham bam… let’s explode out of nowhere…

I can just see the wylie coyote walking down the road and wham bam an acme anvil drops on his head… splat… flat… ppphhhhttt…

Well this coyote needs to go out and feed the big dogs before I blast out of here for the day…

Later taters…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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This moment there is peace...

Cinnamon burps… meh… (there is a cinnamon capsule in my morning vitamin regime)

Grattitudes:
No wind this morning
Fire in the wood stove…. Glowing beautiful embers
Peace in my heart…

Good morning peeps… the eastern horizon is just showing light… it is around 5 degrees F in my front yard… surprised me that it was that cold… did not feel that cold… I just ran the mastiffs and Pominators out and back in for their morning potty break… in my night shirt and flip flops… then went out and gave water and food to the kitty trio… looks like I am acclimating right along with the critters…

Sitting down with my morning coffee before I blast off for the day…

This transformation… evolution… over this past year has been … what would be the word… or rather words… as there are some pretty descriptive ones from both ends of the scale that could describe parts of it… whew… the word I was thinking this morning however… is enlightening… there have been friends … that have become family… from around the world… that have been major in my evolution and healing… an ongoing process by the way…

Then there have been those… that seemed to be helpful and supportive… when I was broken and lost… only to become angry and resentful as I gained strength evolving into this new version of me… stronger and healing… one surprised me in his antics … the other no she did not… I had hoped she had evolved as well… but alas it seems it is not so… this person seemed to thrive on the waves of pain and desolation I was emitting… As peace and joy started to settle into my soul in the place of pain and desolation… I heard a litany of “it is too soon… it is too soon… “coming out of her mouth as she became more sullen and angry… actually going so far as to suggest in supposed jest that I help her commit suicide… when I confronted her immediately and asked her if she was serious… she quickly recanted becoming even more surly and spiteful… (her suggestion was that I bring a shotgun and shoot her… I said no)

I am sorry if you were feeding off my pain… and the buffet has been restocked with growing peace and healing rather than the bitter flavor of despair… as life’s path seems to be a twisty turning trail I would imagine there will be days of pain ahead as well… but for today… there is peace… and a growing awareness… as I grow in healing and health… exploring this ever changing venue that is life…

Today… I am enjoying… ah… savoring ….the peace that is within me and around me… tomorrow there may be chaos and pain… but for this moment there is the blessing of peace…

I hear the wild birds chirping and singing… love that sound…

Gotta blast off … out of time…
May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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one day at a time

gratitudes...
beautiful sunrise
coffee
a bed

Good morning peeps… really trying for this to do list...

Although truth be told it feels like afternoon now… I’ve been up since around 3 a.m. … Woke up with a very busy mind and a massive headache… thankfully the headache is gone… mind is still very busy… mind is ratting around something I can do absolutely nothing about… doesn’t that just figure… I got part of a decision on a stretched out process yesterday… now I am waiting to see what the final outcome is… not knowing is tough enough as this is a determination that is rather important to me. I called today to check on things… to see if there is anything else I need to do… or can do… and there is not. I have done all I can… now it is just waiting for the process to complete.

Hanging in limbo… feels like I’m tied to a fish line suspended over the grand canyon… being swung back and forth… ok which side does she land on … or do we just let go of the line and watch her drop… splat to the bottom… no wonder I woke up at 3 a.m.

It is absolutely pointless to fret about this as there is absolutely nothing I can do about it one way or the other. So… take a breath and get on with the day… the ranch rounds still need to be done… cold weather is still coming in tomorrow… wood still needs to be brought in… laundry still needs to be put away… and so on…

Gonna take a quick bath… and get started… or rather going again… have already washed dishes, took the kindling bags outside, cut my hair, made a number of phone calls that needed to be done… more to do later… must take advantage of the temperatures outside today…

It is overcast… and there was an amazing sunrise this morning… truthfully I could probably use a nap as I am seriously winding down… but the soak in the tub will have to do for now… do not want to wait until this afternoon for the outside stuff in case the wind comes up…

Dropped my coffee cup and shattered it this morning… ah the wonders of nerve damage and reduced reflexes…

Taking it day by day… or rather moment by moment… breath by breath… frankly I will be very glad when Christmas is over…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Today I was the bug

Today I was the bug....rough day... I knew I was overdoing it... exhaustion... and fever day... I so hate that chilled freezing feeling that overwhelms me when I have a fricken fever... aaarrrggghhh... top it off with eating stupidly and ending up with a vicious gas/gastric attack and you have the sum total of my day... seriously missing my husband... sometimes I wonder if this life is not in actuality hell... in this case one I created myself... ugh... obviously I am not in a very good place today...

Mary E. Robbins
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Use your fear as fuel...

Good Morning Peeps…

Gratitudes:
Moments of quiet
Dolvett
Friends

Did something stupid last night… didn’t think it was necessarily stupid when I did it… but geez it was. I had a white chocolate raspberry scone… how something that tastes so good… can make a person… namely me… so ill is just beyond… ugh… nasty nasty gastric attack all night… still spent and ill this morning…

No there was nothing spoiled with the scone… it was quite tasty… however it seems my digestive system is becoming less and less tolerant of white flours… increasing digestive intolerance… topped off with exhaustion and a huge dose of stress… resulted in a very painful miserable night…

Not a feel sorry for me moment… rather a what can I learn from this moment… seriously need to manage the stress better… or… rather release it…

Use your fear as fuel…. Use the fear as a fuel for change… those demons (challenges) are always going to be with you… how you deal with them is going to make you… ~Dolvett (not exact quote… but what I got from it)

Yes I was listening to “The Biggest Loser” this morning and what Dolvett was saying jumped out and touched me…

Rather than letting fear run your life use it as fuel… motivation for change… gain strength … saying the challenges are always going to be with you is not defeatist… this life is full of challenges… of one kind or another… whether emotional… financial… physical… relationships… work… health… the list goes on and on… it just is…

How we deal with said challenges makes all the difference… this has really been driven home this week… some challenges I have dealt with fairly well… for instance… I drove through ground blizzards to get home this past week… without panic attacks… this is such a victory for me… I was thankful … scratch that… very thankful I was in my truck which is set up for off road… as in I use a step to get up into it… so most of the ground blizzards were below my windshield… I took a pause and watched the swirling snow dancing and drifting across the road in front of me… and was amazed by the swirling beauty of it… there was one not far from my home that just went whoosh… up over the top of the truck… and on up completely encompassing my truck completely obscuring my vision…lost in the swirling whitness wind howling rocking the truck…

In an instant the panic started… then I heard in my head … just take it slow… make sure over drive is off… 4 wheel drive is on … so if you go off the road you have a chance of getting back up on it… and kept crawling forward… then as quickly as it was up over the truck it was gone… the amazing dancing wind playing with the snow… I fully expected there to be a huge snow drift over that patch the next morning… but the wind had other spots in mind… and that stretch of road had no snow at all… it had whipped it all away…

Being able to see the beauty … and being able to actually drive through the darkness… and yes even the daylight on icy snowy roads… is such a victory for me…. I did it… I really did it… yay!

On the flip side… there is another situation that I have not handled well at all. On an up note… at the start of several… yes I lost count… panic attacks… that dizzying off balance mess… I managed to head them off with rescue remedy and trying to just take it a moment at a time. Made for a miserable exhausting stressful day…but I made it through it. Can not say my attitude was a positive one… frankly it sucked… and I tend to project whatever I am feeling… eeessshhh… spilled that crap attitude all over the place… well what is done is done… nothing I can do about it now…

Just going on from here… one moment at a time… still dealing with a very negative situation in which my hands are effectively tied when it comes to changing the situation to a more positive outcome… from what I can see the only thing I can actually do is determine how I am going to allow it to effect me… negatively as in yesterday… or in a positive healthy manner… no I am not saying to deny that it is a negative situation… I am saying to not allow it to effect me negatively… to negatively effect my state of being… or my physical health for that manner…

It is so hard to watch… folks you care about destroy something they care about out of fear… and pride…

It gets exceptionally hairy when they lash out looking for someone… anyone else… to blame for the difficulties they are creating themselves… by their choices…

I could just walk away… and I seriously thought about it… but I’ve given my word… so I will honor that …

Once again time has zoomed on by and I must go… no time to edit… hopefully this makes some coherent sense…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Fear is a Choice...

Good morning Peeps…

Gratitudes:
Still walking
Another day
The sun is shining

Today I am moving rather slow… I am usually home on Wednesdays and Thursdays… however this week is a different story… and frankly exhaustion is past setting in… it is here full force. Ok… take a breath and make it happen… one moment one step at a time…

There is a lot of… fear… anger… judgment… condemnation… in the place that I have been… may this be replaced with peace… calm… joy… and the appreciation of life…

None of us has control over what is to come… yes we have choice… but it seems that said choice is more along the lines of deciding how to play the cards we are dealt… rather than which cards are dealt… so to speak. Frankly there is no point in living in fear…no matter what is to come… fear is a choice… and in so choosing you are choosing to forfeit your joy in this life… effectively imprisoning yourself in a bar-less prison of your own making.

Just a few thoughts… there are more… but there are also bills that need to be posted… and only so much time this morning… I had planned on posting them in the evenings… actually the last several evenings I’ve been trying to post them … but falling asleep in the chair before having a chance too… soooooo… here goes..

The house hairballs have done their business… and are back inside… Pete and Blue (cockatiels) were just singing… greeting the morning sun… breakfast is done… sautéed zucchini, 1 slice pepper bacon, one egg… no I did not eat any fruit this morning… oh yeah and coffee… seriously is there any doubt…if there is coffee to be had… I am so drinking it… lol…

Will re-bank the fire before I go… right now it is glowing embers… such a beautiful living color… deep oranges … yellows and blues… I have loved watching it dance and glow among the embers ever since I was a small child sitting on the floor in our home watching the embers fall through the grate into the ash pan… red hot glowing … with fire dancing about…

Can you tell… I really do not want to post those bills… ok Mary… quit messing about and get it done… there is my self scold for the morning… seriously though… must get it done…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Where there was grief... peace...

I am back inside… the critters were all glad to see me… including the wild birds… since their feeder was empty… lol… I filled it and by the time I stepped away they were flying in for breakfast… The pair of Muscovy’s were sitting on top of the straw stack… watching as I filled buckets and the feed cart for the dogs… as well as the cat trays… I know a couple of feathered waddling friends that are eating cat food… aw well… the Muscovy hen decided to greet the sun from the top of the feed storage building… I enjoyed watching her fly from the top of the straw stack to the tip top of the building and glide in… watered and fed the chickens and the quackers… and listened to their chatter for a bit…

The Kennel runs now all have feed and fresh water… here is hoping that the weather folks are right and today warms up to 45 or better… that would be grand… be grand if it did it tomorrow as well… make it much easier to clear the ice out of all the buckets and tubs.

Warming up with some strong hot coffee letting the cold seep out of my skin… I do believe my face had a bit of ice… from my breath freezing… the sun is up… I watched it barely light the eastern horizion… then slip up to light the day…

Set a small heater in the bathroom to heat up the old claw foot tub that is in there… love that tub… gonna put some Epsom salts…zeolite… lavender… and eucalyptus oil … along with some very warm water and take a bit of a soak this morning… nothing like lavender and eucalyptus in hot steam… hmmmmm… thinking I’d better set an alarm or I’ll be sleeping in that water…

Need a hair cut too… hmmmm… perhaps before getting in the tub… perhaps not… could go a bit longer…

Sunlight is streaming in through the kitchen window… hasn’t reached the cockatiels cage yet though… they are trying to nap… yes they were up with me at 4 a.m. this morning and chattering along with the tv streaming from the internet last night … who knows how late as I was crashed out sleeping in the chair…

I thought of my husband as I was out and about… stomping through the snow drifts… across the tops of some… stepping along wearing stockyard boots he insisted I get… with the headlamp turned on as it rode along on the front of my cap and hat under the edge of my sweatshirt… headlamp he had surprised me with… sweatshirts we had bought together… wearing some of the warmest gloves/mittens ever … again that he had surprised me with… as I came in and started pealing of layers… first the boots… to see heavy socks that were his… then the vest he wore… and I thought… he is still taking care of me from the other side… my beloved was needed elsewhere… yet he is still with me… and I with him… today I thought these thoughts… and there was peace rather than grief… yes I still miss his physical presence… miss seeing the sparkle of his hazel eyes… shifting from green to brown… to gold… colors all flecked together shining with love… but today… there was peace…

Yes writing of this brings tears… but there is still peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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stalled trucks... heatlamps... and block heaters

Happily I am in for the night... since it is now minus 7 degrees... pppphhhhttttt..... once I had the truck started I called the store to see if they had a block heater... they had one left... and they put it behind the counter for me... so I scuttled into town and got it... filled up the second gas tank on the truck... got 8 bags of feed for the fowl (ducks/chickens/wild birds) ... came back home... unloaded the feed... wrapped my face again... and headed out to water the critters... feed whatever needed fed... and give treats... then it was move the truck and put on the block heater...

I popped open the hood thinking I could just stick it on something metallic in there... so not happening... way too many hoses and wires and poly or plastic stuff... ugh... so here we go... under the truck... good thing it is set up for off road and is rather high off the ground... so which thing is the oil pan... hopefully I got it on the right thing... I'll find out in the morning...

I have decided I've had enough of not knowing what is going on with motors... ugh... so did not want to do this... but I am going to learn at least the friggen basics... can't be that hard... they are just moving puzzles...

should stop a massive amount of frustration... like when my mower motors went pppphhhhttttt.... I should have been able to fix that... but no... totally intimidated... grrrrrrrr.... well enough of that... where to start... perhaps a book on the basics of engine repair... find someone who knows and soak up knowledge from them as well... pick some small engines and work them over... got enough dead mowers sitting around... and a dead tiller... it's not like I'm going to hurt them... well maybe... but they aren't working now soooo..... I would love to get that little tiller working well... it's a mantis and I loved it... what fun that would be...

I am thinking a basic understanding of these things will go a long way.... a foundation to build on anyway...

growing ... moving on....

Mary E. Robbins
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time loops... nearing anniversary of David's death...

Good morning peeps…

Gratitudes:
Firewood… seriously… yes firewood
-2 degrees… forecast was -16
Breakfast… thankful to have it as some do not…

It was nearly zero outside at 7:00 a.m. YaY! Who’d a thought I’d be celebrating minus 2 degrees… but that is much warmer than what was forecast for this morning. Weather.com says it is minus 6… so glad for the few degrees warmer it is in my yards.

So very glad the electricity stayed on… have a heater in the well area by the pressure tanks… so still have water. Yay!

The past week plus has been a confusing rollercoaster ride of highs and lows… no it is not the weather I’m writing of this time. As I draw nearer to the anniversary of David’s death… the first anniversary of the death of David’s body…

Seems like it was yesterday… today… seems like forever… seems like it never happened and he is in his recliner watching John Wayne or the military channel… or … oh… here comes the truck… the sound of which the dogs and birds perk up to listen… Time has compressed… stretched out… doubled back on itself… looping and re-looping around.

Driving the truck home in the dark on icy… snow packed… snow drifted… roads with the wind swirling the falling snow around the truck… in a full on … to the point of vision messed up anxiety … panic attack after panic attack… I kept hearing his words in my head… it’s ok… you can do this… slow down… make sure the overdrive is off… put it in 4 wheel drive… ease off the gas… don’t touch the brakes… you can do this… and I did…

Once I got to the edge of the property and picked up the mail… got the truck onto what we laughingly call our driveway… the panic lifted… anxiety seemed to just go away… and we bounced on in over the frozen ruts buried in snow to the house… excited and happy that we had made it … put a log on the hot embers in the wood stove and got the fire going…

All the while the flip side of being so tense was building… everything … and I mean everything is funny then… zip zip zip goes the mind… it’s there… no it’s over here… up there… down here… fly fly fly… faster and faster… until the momentum slows down to a crawl… and nothing is funny or bright… and there is nothing… crash to a grinding halt…

Arctic cold front… subzero temps… go out and do ranch rounds… then I hear the whisper in my mind… you can do this… one step at a time… calm… you can do this… Siberian air mass has come to visit… fear… fear … fear… fear for my animals… fear… to breathe the air… chest constricts… shhhhh…. Quiet… you can do this… stock yard boots… insulated coveralls… dish towel around my face… leave glasses in the house… brown eyes peeking out from under layers… cap… hat… hood… get your hoe… use it to keep balance… head out the door and up the hill…

The sun is shining bright… and it is made of ice… make sure everyone has feed… water… give treats… don’t know how long was outside… just was… until I wasn’t… hours… back to the house… let the house critters out… they are not acclimated… out for a moment and back inside… do not sit down until they are back inside… strip off the layers… hang on to the wall to get the stockyard boots off… slowly climb out of the insulated coveralls… totally soaked under-layers… sweat… body is done… legs quivering like a racehorse that has been run too far… but still standing… strip off wet clothes… find something dry… put another log in the woodstove… coffee… water… coffee… collapse into recliner… feet on side of buffet… crashed… totally exhausted… coffee getting cold sitting on buffet… asleep in the chair…

Wake to cooling house and cold coffee… drink it anyway… put another log in the woodstove… nuke some leftover soup… warm… back into chair… try to read and write… wake again sometime later… put another log on the fire… say goodnight stagger off to bed…

They say whatever does not kill you makes you stronger… hmmmmm…. Which this will be remains to be seen… If I am still here in this life… in this body in the spring… then I suppose I will be stronger… hey I should be a friggen spartin racer by then… or passed out frozen in the yards… either way… it is what it is… then I hear that whisper in my mind… you can do this… it’s not your time yet… when it is it is… in the meantime… you can do this…

I hear wild birds singing in the cold of the morning… celebrating a new day…

Mary E. Robbins
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Something Winged This Way Comes

Good Morning Peeps...
Gratitudes:
verse
spirit
peace

This came skipping through my mind this morning... actually skipping is not the right word ... more like a tidal current wanting out through my fingertips.. what's it about... what's it mean... alas alas... that remains to be seen...


3 headed dragon …
black gold green

Blue winged …
purple violet under skin…
deep blue purplish hue

Something winged this way comes
There be dragons in the wind

Blue flame shining through his eyes

Sailing free
Dancing high
Riding winds
Through the sky

Lavender blue through and through…
Burning true
Lavender blue

Deep blue purplish hue

Something winged this way comes
There be dragons in the wind

Blue winged
Purple violet under skin
Deep blue purplish hue

For those that have ears
Let them hear
For those that have eyes
Let them see
For those that have wings
Let them fly free…


Ah... and now I am off to pour a cup of steaming strong dark coffee.... mmmmmm...

Run true... fly free...
Mary E. Robbins 
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Happy Thanksgiving 2013... glucosamine... tumeric

Gratitudes:
Beautiful sunny moderately warm (46 degrees F) November day
The aroma of fresh baking
An afternoon filled with good food and friends

Happy Thanksgiving Peeps… actually isn’t that what it’s all about… being thankful for the day. No I don’t mean the massive exercise in excess… as in total gluttony… and the nonsensical nasty infighting that seems to go with holiday get togethers…

Such a waste… the abundance of nastiness and infighting that seems to go with holidays… I mean seriously… what is the point in that?!

Perhaps it is David’s passing… that has really brought it to light… so many years missed with loved ones because of selfish nonsensical nasty attitudes… I remember all too well the pain it inflicted on my dear husband… of course it ran rampant through my bloodlines as well… I mean seriously… holidays were a war zone… it got to the point that I just stopped putting dinners together because I did not want to hear it. Or the nasty sniping over dinners and where they were going to be … all the while refusing to step up and host one … geez… or the manipulative put downs designed to steal away joy… yes I heard it this year as well… did not work out too well for them though… I said… ok… and stepped away and accepted an invite to a friend’s house.

I am sorry… but I am just done with it. Actually that is not true… I am not sorry… not any more… I am just done. Huge… yes HUGE… sigh of relief. Stick a fork in it baby… that turkey has been cooked…

Woke up with a nasty headache… it is still there a bit but much much less than it was… I indulged myself today… hot water… zeolite… Epsom salts… lavender oil… eucalyptus oil… ahhhhhhh…. Wonderful soak that was… aromatic steam wafting up of the surface of the water… makes ya want to have gills so you can just slip down under the water and stay there…

But alas… no gills… and I had some baking to do so… I climbed out of the tub and got on with it…

Whole grain double cornbread… 3 berry walnut whole grain mini muffins made with honey… did not frost them… whipped some butter, cream cheese, and a bit of vanilla together… for a top it yourself side… made some cranberry, orange, pecan, honey, relish to take along too…. Actually made that last night… it is better when it sets… gives that bittersweet more time to blend… wonderful with meats … well I like it with meats… lol… if you don’t like bittersweet you won’t like it… lol…

There is a breeze blowing… I can hear the tinkling of the wind chimes hanging on the corner of the house… stood a bit this morning and watched the birds lined up on the fence… seemingly taking turns at the feeder… there are flocks of birds in the evergreen trees… walk out under the trees and suddenly there is the rush of the sound of many small sets of wings flying over to another tree… there is running water for them here too… have to be a bit careful going into the chicken house… as entry tends to startle the small wild birds out… and they fly out by your head… good reason to wear a hat with a brim… in case one of the little feathered flyers miss-judges the distance…

Quite a bit of the swelling has gone down out of my legs after being home yesterday and elevating them on and off throughout the day… thankfully my glucosamine was delivered last night… I’d ran out and without it the pain level is considerably higher. There is another gratitude: glucosamine.

Had some turmeric capsules in that delivery as well… they say turmeric is good for blood vessels… hardening of the arteries and such… thinking over time I will find out if that is true or not… they also say it is good to reduce anxiety and improve depression… hmmmmm… well… I can say this… no depressive drops… or anxiety spikes today… not debilitating anyway… going to another person’s home has been a huge panic/anxiety trigger ever since David passed. Hmmmmm…. This is a good thing…

I am going to go and relax in the recliner until it is time to head to dinner and conversation…

May your day be filled with joy…

Mary E. Robbins
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