little big word

Good Morning Peeps…

Breakfast is done… the fire is flickering in the wood stove… thinking I could use some fresh coffee… and a hot epsom salts soak… Moving kinda slow this morning… have the mastiffs outside… beautiful moon hanging in the sky… and the wind is actually not blowing… ahhh…. What a relief…

I did not make it out to work in the Quonset yesterday… I did however paint two small canvases… did not drink enough fluid yesterday… and I can certainly feel it today… aching sore muscles and muscle knots… ouch… rehydrating today. Really rough day yesterday.

Anxiety was off the friggen charts… emotions devastating… emotions suppressed from time past… not dealt with at the time… shut off… now boiling to the surface…. So what triggered it… dealing with the property in Morrill … raunchy process but as I pass through this purging … exhausted as I am… I am still here… and with each step am healing and getting stronger…

Still kind of amazes me just how much that pisses some people off. Kinda saddens me too… but you know what… I am not responsible for their journey… it is one they are going to have to walk themselves… or not… their life their choices…

Easy to say… not so easy to do… stepping back rather than running into the caretaker … enabler… mode. I will still touch base… but I just am not doing this anymore… enough already …

I would much rather they be glad for me… and embrace life and growth and step forward into life along with me… but I cannot make that choice for them… their lives… their choice… and yeah actually I do care… quite a bit in truth… but it is what it is…

I will say this… the level of resentment is a bit surprising… although I guess it should not be… yet it is…. And no I am not talking about my resentment (and yes I am carrying around a rather large ball of resentment and anger perhaps I can dump it in the roll-off dumpster and get rid of it too)…

This person is really pissed … geez… it is tangible even without words… coming through the phone… makes me think of a little kid’s tantrum… adult style… I’m not going where you are going… and I don’t want you to go there either… so I am going to sit here… scream… hold my breath… turn blue… kick my feet… make myself ill… so you cannot go either… so you have to come and take care of me… because I refuse to take care of myself… smells a lot like jealousy and manipulation…

Well… ok then… do what-cha want… but I am not playing this game anymore… there is this little word that is huge in it’s implications … that I am really starting to appreciate… it is a simple little word… little huge word… only two letters in actuality… well two letters in the English language anyway… I am guessing that you already know what it is… but just in case… that little huge word that I am becoming so fond of… is ….. drum roll please…. No …

I have seen it used as a club to beat others down… but it can also be used as a key to set you free… I choose … yes it is a choice… I choose to use it as a key…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Yesterday Was the Pits!

Yesterday was the pits. I went on overload and binged, and then binged some more.

I’m still pretty shaky emotionally today. Nasty dreams last night. I know it’s from all the stress. Stress generated from placing the dogs, and from the vile way my mother is acting.

Irrational and vile, that seems to be her mode of operation at this point. Of course it comes after she says what ever she thinks you want to hear. Until she is called to account.

I’ve seen her act this way before, usually with Gene. However when I look back this has been a pattern with me as well. From the time grandma died on. This pattern has repeated over and over again.

I am doing my best not to slip back into this cycle. Breaks my heart.
The whole bloody mess breaks my heart. It doesn’t have to be this way.

So what can I do about the way she chooses to live her life. Nada, nothing, she has free will, it is up to her whether she lives in her self made hell or not.

However it is my choice as to whether I allow her to pull me into it again or not.

I am so tired of this shit. My whole life it’s been one created crisis after another. Usually stemming from something my mother was trying to make happen. Either deliberately or subconsciously; you know after a while it doesn’t matter which it is.

I am so tired of her showing one face to others and another to me. I’ve seen glimpses of her over the years, but most of the time I see this face she shows me. I am not sure which is real.

Both mom and Linda lied to me about the septic job. There was absolutely no point in it. I wonder sometimes just what they think. Turn a simple straightforward job into a swirling dervish of shit. Frankly my attitude at this point it turning into F*** you Both!

Linda had Dave S. call me less than 15 minutes after mom and I hung up. That is After the last horrid conversation with my mother about dogs she can’t possibly take care of; topped off by a discussion about that septic tank mess. I told mom that if linda did not get in contact with me before the check cleared the bank when it did I was writing aunt marty a letter explaining that linda refused to work with me regarding her septic tank; making it impossible for me to do what Aunt marty had asked me to do; and that I was returning the money for the septic tank to her.

Was it coincidence that contact was made with linda directly afterwards. I seriously doubt it. Both mom and Linda say that linda had no knowledge about the crap that mom pulled a few days ago, trying to get me to give them the money rather than paying the contractors. Of course mom said, the morning when we talked, that Linda had asked her to ask me about it. So which of them are lying? There is a question for you. Petty bullshit. Both of them are lying, that would be my thought.

So much petty bullshit and un-necessary drama. Totally pointless. Why not just get the job done.

Frankly I’ve had enough nonsense to last me a lifetime, several lifetimes in fact.

Enough of being frozen in place by conflict. I need to get the cedarcide sprayed today. So here I go. Need to get an order into revival animal for kennel supplies this afternoon as well. Not to mention mountains of paperwork that has piled up over the past few years. It will be so wonderful to have all that caught up and filed.

So enough of beating myself up because my mother is hating on me for doing what is necessary. Enough. Enough. Enough. Enough.

Still breaks my heart.

Life is a journey… sometimes there are jagged edges on the trail. Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs

September 24th, 2008 Wow What a Horrible Conversation

Wow! What a horrible conversation. I tried to actually have a conversation with my mother last night about the rest of the kennel dogs I’ve been taking care of for a year.

Frankly I don’t think it has much to do with the dogs. Maybe I am wrong, but I’ve seen and heard mom act the same way with Uncle Gene. Over and over again.

Mom’s focus now is on hoarding the kennel dogs. I understand that she loves them. I do too. However it’s about doing what’s best for the dogs. Frankly it’s also about her not being physically or financially able to take care of them as well.

I am reducing my kennel numbers down so I can take excellent care of my dogs, not leave them in filthy flea ridden dog pens never handled. I want to be able to enjoy my dogs not have so many that it is impossible to take care of them.

It is inconceivable to me that she would not want them to go into warm caring homes. Makes absolutely no sense to me at all.

Last night during her tirade which I am sure she will deny. She said she would never speak to me again if I placed them. Sad as that is; it would actually be a relief. Seems kind of strange to me to think that never speaking to my mother again, Nor hearing from her nasty mouth again would actually be a relief.

On my part, I want my life. I have had enough of the manipulation, accusations, and so on that comes with dealing with her. It’s exhausting and it is affecting my mental and physical health. I’ve pursued a relationship with her for long enough. I am just tired. No change that exhausted from the abuse.