Click... BOOM...

Good morning peeps…

It’s been an “interesting” few days… geez louise … I could seriously do without this. It’s been tip toe through the tulips and flowers on a path I thought was cleared… safe to walk…and skip along… then click… BOOM… an anxiety land mine went off… take another step… click… BOOM … a grief land mine went off… click boom… chest pain… click boom… vision cloud in … click boom … heart racing… click boom…pain everywhere… click boom… click boom… click boom… click boom… aaaarrrrraaaagggghhhhhh!!!!!!!! Like a cartoon character being blown this way and that.

Coping mechanisms seemed to go out the window… and I hoovered everything in sight… snarf snarf snarf… hmmmm what else can I pork out on…. like that is going to help anything…. Well perhaps the large sized clothes manufactures… but that is all…

I actually had a day or two of being almost me…. Then yee haw … here we go again.

Ok another patch to work through… what’s the trigger… recognize it… cope with it… sounds simple enough… be grand if it actually was…

So… what has been happening… anxiety has been building over the past couple of weeks… with some severe spikes.

June is the month my Dad used to come and stay for a few weeks. He would be at his brother’s right now… and would be here mid June until sometime in July. I treasured those times… Pop and I did not get to know each other well until I was an adult…. Then we became very close. I am thankful for those times… sitting in my front yard having a cigar just sharing some time. Pancreatic cancer took him across a couple years ago…

David used to try to get vacation time in June so He and Pop could spend time together. Those two loved each other. I loved to sit and listen to them tell stories to each other… Such different men… but both very good men.

I loved them both… still do… and they loved me…just as I am… none of the conditional crap that so many pile on… it was such a gift…

We did not deliberately tear each other down… either directly or in the guise of a jest. People that do that are so exhausting. Some are very skilled at it… masking their words with kindness or a smiling face.. Oh that was only a joke… when in fact it had cruel intent behind it.

When we disagreed… and there were times we definitely disagreed… we agreed to disagree. There was no condemnation of the other because we did not think exactly like each other.

This past week has been a slog through a toxic marsh of unless you believe and live as I do you are evil and condemned. You are this … you are that… they are this they are that… they are evil… if you defend them you are evil… my way is the only way…

I wonder if they have any idea how hateful and judgmental they actually sound… not only sound but are being… I wonder if they have any idea just how toxic an atmosphere they are surrounding themselves with. It is truly exhausting being around them.

It also triggers back to my childhood. Do as I say or get whipped… be what I say or you are evil… and worthless. Oh you thought you were doing a good job… all you do is run your mouth… you should be seen and not heard… you are just like your Dad’s mom… and everyone called her old Satan… she was evil… you are just like her.

The only actual memory I have of my Grandma Sadie (my Dad’s Mom) was of her down on the floor… I think we were under a table… not sure… playing with a robot with flashing red eyes. I loved it… and I loved her… There was some kind of connection between us even across death. She died when I was very young… not so long after we played with that robot.

I don’t know if she did the things she was accused of or not… I just know that she loved me. She lived a lifestyle that was different than those accusing her…. Walked a different path.

I often wonder… if those that say their way is the only way to be… are so sure of their path… if they are indeed… why is it that those that walk a different path scare them so much. Is their fear blinding them so much that they can not see that their words and actions are dipped in a toxic bath of hatred laced with fear.

I wonder is it their intent to spread hatred and fear… or are they simply pawns babbling their mouths…

Pawns or not… there are times I would seriously like to silence their hateful mouths. Open your mind and learn or be silenced. But it is not my place to judge… nor to carry out judgments. Frankly it is a good thing that it is not my place…. Such a huge responsibility… requiring much more knowledge and perspective than I have.

I actually remember back to a time when I sounded much like those I was speaking of… much earlier in my walk… as I continued on … often times kicking and screaming at the changes and the pains of growth… my view… perspective changed… shifted… age seems to have little to do with it… minds open at different places in this walk of life… and sadly some never do…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Happy Friday... to do's and bit of a rant

Good morning peeps. Another busy day… or should be… lots of things on my to do list… 30 things actually… will I get all 30 done… dunno… working on it… not sure how long it is going to take at the tire shop. It will be a relief to have that questionable tire off the front of my jeep.

Chilly here this morning and the wind is blowing… it was 49 degrees F when I ran the Pominators out… funny how chilly that seems now and how warm it seems in the winter months… lol… That wind is much colder than 49 though. It’s coming off hail or snow and had a good bite to it this morning.

Geez I am a sore aching puppy this morning… I should have slathered on the unkers last night before I went to bed… but of course I did not… I was doing the bobble head at the computer… as in my head would bobble as I was drifting off to sleep then pop back up… and I just staggered into the bedroom and crashed. Geez… today the question would not be what is aching… but what is not aching… ugh.

Gonna head out and get the ranch rounds done… and take the big trash cans over to the burn bin. I don’t think I’m going to light it up to burn though… just put the grates back over the top and let it sit until there is a calmer day. Too much wind I am thinking. Supposed to rain again later today… want the ranch rounds done before then… no point in sloshing about in the rain if I don’t have to.

Frankly I feel like curling up on the couch under a pile of covers and going back to sleep… but that is not going to get anything done… nor is it going to reduce this aching. Moving about getting some activity in … whether I feel like it or not… should work out some of the stiffness and aching.

Yesterday I had an episode sitting at my desk. My vision started to cloud over and I started to pass out. I grabbed some coQ10 and swallowed it. Episodes are not happening as often as they were… so I am hoping that my body is repairing itself. I am always tired the next day after those episodes. I was getting really angry whenever I thought about what caused this mess. Me listening to the doctors and staying on proton pump inhibitors (Nexium, Prilosec, Prevacid… to list 3 brand names) … I asked the docs over the years if I should still be on them … numerous times… they said yes so I continued. I should have listened to my instincts instead. The long term usages of these drugs can cause heart failure, kidney failure, and liver failure… just to list 3 of their side effects…. I was on them for 20 years. There is a whole list of side effects of coming off them as well… hyper acidity is one of them… battled that with aloe vera juice… and for the most part that side effect has subsided… it took months. Another … and very nasty side effect of coming off these drugs is tachycardia … still have that happening… not as much as it was… but still going on… I use coQ10 to help with that. Mind you it has been 6 months. Why am I writing this… to give other’s a heads up regarding these drugs. Oh and do not be deceived by the generic names… the generics cause the same negative issues. These drugs are useful on a very short term basis… however even on short term they cause hyper-acidity when you come off them. Hyper-acidity… as in more of a stomach acid flare… heart burn, reflux, and so on… than before you actually took the drug.

You will probably see this over and over in my writing… It is so frustrating… upsetting… saddening to me… following the doctor’s instructions… taking these drugs was supposed to be a good thing… a healthy thing… a beneficial thing… and when I first started taking them it was a relief to not have to deal with the stomach acid as much. A huge relief. In the long term it turned into a massively detrimental choice.

This is another case of treating symptoms… managing a disease … rather than working for a positive solution by dealing with the cause of the issue. Actually healing the problem rather than treating symptoms.

I made the mistake of relying on the physicians to tell me what to do… bugger it… I thought that was what we were supposed to do. Just bugger it! David and I both thought that… now he is dead. In large part I believe because of the damage cholesterol drugs did to his heart. We told them the symptoms… what he was experiencing… and they insisted that he try yet another drug in the same family… refusing to listen … and it killed him… he trusted them… and it killed him.

Ok breathe… calm down… I would seriously like to take a sledge hammer to that last doctor… physically hold him responsible for the drugs he prescribes. David was old school… if the doc says it… must be good…. So do it. I kept track of the symptoms I could see happening to him. Yes I told the doc…. No the doc was not happy about it.


Ok… time to stop ranting and go out and do ranch rounds… want to get my pepper plants set out today...

May you walk in peace..

Mary E. Robbins 
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Memorial Day Weekend… first one done…

  

Ok… well I am still here…. Still a widow… still missing my life… still missing my husband… still do not understand …. I did cook and eat breakfast … did yesterday too. Not much pleasure in it eating by myself. Sound like a pity party… tough… it just is what it is… it’s a couple of days past 5 months since life as I knew it ended. I suppose I am supposed to be over this… yeah right… who ever told you that is full of it…. And I don’t mean full of cotton candy either… although enough of that stuff will make you sick too.

Some time ago I wrote that I did not want to go on without my husband…. And someone had a friggen cow. I am not sure of all of what was said as they pulled their posts. Just as well as I was in a rather dark place. As it turns out it was major depression on top of grieving. No longer in major depression… which is a HUGE relief… it’s pretty scary what a simple chemical imbalance can do. It seems my serotonin levels were low… boosted them with omega 3s …. I am using a combination of flax oil and fish oil… in a capsule called thera tears. I’ve done some research since then and they say flax oil can counter depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and so on. Be fore warned though… it can bloat you… as in gas gas gas that does not want to move… so have some gas x or simethecone on hand to counter if you need to. Oh yeah… I used the thera tears because I had some on hand.

I knew I felt better when I ate flax, or flax oil…. Better state of mind… better state of well being overall… I just did not know why. Probably do not know why in it’s entirety now… but it does make a huge difference for me.

Yes I am still grieving… yes having my having my husband drop dead on Christmas night still sucks. Seriously?!… flax oil can not take the issues that have to be worked through away. But it can help with the stinking depression… mood swings… anxiety… panic attacks and such that are due to a chemical imbalance.

I still do not want to go on without my husband. He was my husband, my lover, my soulmate, my best friend. Why on earth would I want to go on without him?! Really?! No it is not ok with me that my husband was yanked out of this husk we call a body… ok it was his time… nope still not ok with me. Not happy about it. Truth be told… I am rather pissed about it.

Don’t like it that I said that… want to get on your high horse and judge me… ok fine… have a nice ride… but while you are up there riding around… here is a suggestion… just a suggestion mind you… take a good strong look around in your own life and being and see just why it is that my attitude bothers you so much. Not your choice… not your life… my attitude… my life… my responsibility…

I do not have the release to move on yet … or I would already be OUTTA HERE… David was released and he dropped that body like a sack of rotten potatoes. Whoosh… outta here… Don’t get your feelings hurt… yes I do love and appreciate my friends…

Not my time yet… as Mow Mow Tat brushes by my leg reminding me. Although sometimes I wonder… as my heart pounds hard enough to make my body shake. Nope still here… trying to figure out how to navigate this new path.

Mary E. Robbins
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Yesterday was quite the day...

Yesterday was quite the day. Baked some chicken to have for dinner through the week… baked some potatoes to make a potato salad… washed dog laundry… washed dishes… yes the dishes were an “event” since I do not have a dishwasher… other than my hands and had not washed them for a week… hmmmm … maybe longer… took trash out… did not attack that thigh high grass west of the house… just going to mow around the yards… not clear out into the meadow… I do not want to disturb the birds nesting there…

Wild birdsong was beautiful… my state of mind and attitude sucked…. Sorted through some mail and put it in a trash can… geez there’s tons of that stuff to sort and pitch… would like to just grab it all and toss it… but then I’d be in a fix when I tossed papers that I’ll need… pppphhhhttttt….. so it’s sort and pitch… thinking I’ll sort it and stuff it in cat litter bags and use it for kindling on cold rainy nights…. Or I may just take it to the burn bin and be done with it… dunno… doesn’t matter…

Pulled some field grass out of my irises… managed to pull of some iris leaves as well… ah well… gonna plant cucumbers along that fence as well. That worked pretty well last year… more grass to pull… argh!

The bull snake was back… curled up under a hollyhock bugging the dogs… actually I think the dogs were actually harassing the snake… as it was under the flower on the outside of the yard… hissing as the dogs were barking… I sprayed it with the water hose and it went out under a piece of equipment a bit farther away from the yard… as it was on it’s way a robin decided to tell it to get away from her tree… no robin eggs for that snake… brave little bird went after a 4 or 5 ft snake… 

Last night was a majestic light show. WoW! Lightening dancing across the sky to the south and east… and the thunder rolls… sheet lightening lighting up the hollow… then a bright bright strike nearly straight down blazing into the earth to the east of us. As this was going on it was completely still in our little hollow… not a breath of a breeze… not a leaf quivering on the trees. I watched the storm come across… from the southwest… riding the high ridge to the south between us and LaGrange then drifting north east along the north side of the connecting ridge… moving between the gap… I realize it is higher than the ridges… but they seem to effect the wind currents that carry the storms. I’ve watched summer storm… after summer storm follow that pattern… over the years…

It was dark to the south and the east… well dark other than lightening dancing about… but the western sky was still lighter fading into evening… no stars to be seen… then I noticed a bright triangle shining in the west… I usually miss these things… either cloud covers or I am at a loss to figure out what is what… but I actually got to see them last night… Jupiter, Venus, and Mercury… last night was a glorious night… planets shining in the west… white clouds against dark gray in formation across the sky… lightening dancing… flashing… striking to the south and east… quite the show…

On a more somber note… I also heard the ambulance and fire trucks going to the south west… not sure how far… sound carries a long way out here at night… I would postulate that one of those lightening strikes lit something on fire. Another reason to get the grass and weeds mowed for a fire break… not to just keep from stepping on Slinky the Snake… or rather snakes… It won’t be long until that cheat grass is dry and very very flammable… no it’s not all cheat… there are perennial field grasses as well… but there is a good bit of cheat…

The cockatiels are sitting outside in their cage singing along with the wild birds… happy little fellows… they were more than ready to come in when I carried their cage inside last night. All worried looking as it was getting darker and the lightning and thunder was doing it’s dance.

There were two owls on the power line poles across the road calling back and forth to each other in the calm… while the lightning flashed to the south and the thunder rolled… It took me a bit… but as it was dusk rather than dark of night I was finally able to see one of them. I located the other by sound but was unable to see it… the other I could see it’s dark silhouette outlined on the cross bar of the power pole. 

The coyotes joined in with a yipping crying chorus… setting off the neighbors dogs to the east as they ran by on the ridges. Frankly I am rather glad my chicken run is fenced… as are my yards and dog runs. The cattle across the road were anxious with the coyotes about… there are calves in that field as well… and they were mooing … calling out to one another…

I stayed out in the yard listening to the sounds of the night… a chorus of crickets… I’ve loved that sound ever since I was a small child. The coal train rumbling along on the north track then whistling a crossing… can’t hear the trains to the north during the day… but their sounds travels farther at night… an upset robin came flying up to the corner of the mastiff run as I was gathering up their feed dishes… something had disturbed her… and she was telling me about it… only for a moment then off the fence back into the dark of the tree…

Small birds wings rustle as I walk under the juniper tree in the front yard… carrying the mastiff’s feed pans as Sara and Diesel make their patrol around the south yard… snuffling the corners and checking every hiding place for any creature they deem does not belong there. The Pominators were already inside in their beds for the night… munching on kibble or curled up. The house Pominators seriously do not like being outside when the thunder and lightning are doing their dance.

Larry, Curly, and Mo were sprawled on top of their houses waiting to be petted and reassured. Secure in their cat run safe from marauding ranch cats and other creatures, in the night. I ran the mastiffs in to their beds and Puss Cat came up over the fence visiting the young cats in their run. They were none to sure of her and their meows of greeting were mixed with growls… She is the senior female ranch cat on the premises. She knows better than to come in the fenced yards when the mastiffs or Pominators are out in the yards.

I am reading another book… well actually there are several in the process… read a bit put it down think about it… not fictional stories to devour but words and phrases…meanings to ponder. This one is called “The Death of a Husband Reflections for a Grieving Wife” by Helen Reichert Lambin. It’s not a how to get through this book, or what to expect book, it is exactly what the title says it is. The first day I read a couple passages and bawled and put it down. Yesterday I read a few passages and thought… geez these words could be coming out of my mouth. I’d seen it several times on Amazon… it kept jumping out at me… in the suggested reading lists. Usually when a book continues to jump out at me there is something in there for me. So I am reading it. I am thankful she decided to share her musings. Before David’s body died I would not have understood her words… I do now. 

This journey into widowhood has brought knowledge and wisdom with it… frankly both of which I could have selfishly done without. I would have preferred to have journeyed on in this life with my partner, blissfully ignorant… missing out on this “growth opportunity” … seriously!

But it is what it is… take another breath… take another step… down a new path… I liked the path I was on… and did not want to climb on this one… still none too thrilled about it… my old path was comfortable, familiar, and we helped each other along… this one seems to be rather craggy… along a cliff face… requiring growth to navigate it… climb to fly or die…

Just filled my coffee cup… it is soooooo time for some coffee. Then out to do ranch rounds. Want to dump all the wading tubs and refill them with fresh water… as well as the drinking water buckets. May plant my cucumbers today and pull some more grass along the east yard fence… and possibly mow a bit more. That does tend to kick my behind but it needs to be done… so do a bit…stop…do a bit more… repeat…

Too cute... Mow Mow Tat is laying on her back on a pillow under my desk with her arm over her face... purring... happy fat cat...Well it looks as if I have read and written the morning away... gonna grab a bite to eat then head out for ranch rounds...

Mary E. Robbins
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Another day of Life... choices

Good morning Peeps…. Choosing to appreciate another day of life… there is a bird song concert going on in the trees… love that sound… gonna grab the cockatiel cage and set them outside for a bit… so they can enjoy the outside before any thunderstorms come up… glad that cage is not overly heavy… although when I first started carrying it outside and back in it felt like it was… hmmmmmm… suppose I’m getting physically stronger… this would be a good thing.

I was pretty exhausted most of the day yesterday… combination of emotional and physical exhaustion. Meeting via the phone with the rrb and my case manager the day before. In depth interview…. Looks positive but not counting on anything… which in itself is exhausting. Panic attack before meeting…. I still made it to my case manager’s office for the phone conference. Exhausted… rattled … but there… and able to actually speak… dealing with the rrb brings the trauma of losing David front and center… for several months I would lose my ability to speak when trying to deal with them…. And get very shocky… as in go into shock. Do not misinterpret… the lady we have been dealing with has been human and professional… it is not her… it’s the link up with the trauma.

Taking the omega 3’s have made a huge difference… boosting my serotonin levels… of course omega 3’s are not the only thing that effects serotonin levels… but in my case there was a marked change in the depth of depression I was having to deal with… of course I still miss my mom and my husband… as well as the friend that passed last weekend. However the overwhelming immobilizing depression that was stacked on top of the grief is lifting… I am coming back into myself…

Pretty amazing what a simple chemical imbalance can do… omega 3’s who’d a thought… glad I know now.

Yes there is still anxiety… and panic attacks… grief… sadness… but I am functioning… not caught in that swirling black hole of depression… whoop whoop! Raising the serotonin levels was huge… something else that is huge is making the choice as to focus. When my serotonin levels were too low… the depression was immobilizing… physically… emotionally… mentally… now that my chemical levels are in a better range… I am more able to choose my focus. Yes I am still working through things… of course I am… the difference… now I am able to work through things more …. Rather than being caught in a tide of misery and pain… immobilizing desolation. That is not something I miss… I can tell you that…

Each morning I am “making the choice” to appreciate the day… to give thanks for another day of life…. Sooooo… with that in mind…

Cloudy with a threat of thunderstorms here today… have the house kittens… Larry, Curly, and Mo, out in their kitty run… gonna have to take some more pics… I love the beautiful arch of their necks… beautiful characters they are… lol….

The mastiffs have had their breakfast… raw egg and kibble… the house Pominators are out zipping about the yard… doing their morning inspections… yes they check the yard perimeter… and everything in between…

I am having my breakfast… coffee with cinnamon and creamer… and a half a toasted blueberry bagel with cream cheese… no I am not starving myself… that is all I want right now… I will grab my vitamins and such and swallow them in a bit…

Planted my tomatoes yesterday… I have 6 large pots that I put 2 plants each in… don’t have my garden space prepped yet… sooooooo into the pots they went… noticed 2 more peonies that were planted last fall have come up…

I did get most of my cucumber patch cleared of grass… it’s cheat grass and field grass that comes back in each year… if I have enough energy this evening I will clear the rest of that patch… got some of the mustard weed mowed down… ugh… did as much as I could do and still get back into the house and take a bath… nose and throat were on fire… drank another shot of apple cider vinegar to stem the allergic reaction… as well as slow down the muscle spasms… I am either going to get stronger with more endurance … or be fertilizer somewhere in the field grass….. Focusing on getting stronger… healthier…

Heading out to freshen the dog waters… then a full day ahead…

May you walk in peace…. What do you see… a cracked sidewalk with a weed… or life bursting through the rubble… same picture… different view… your choice…

Mary E. Robbins
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A realization… of benefit… maybe yes…maybe no…

“I’ve come to understand that contained within each moment is the decision we have, as divine beings with free will, to either live in love or fall into the trappings of fear.” ~Carol J. Obley


Yesterday morning I was asking how do I stop the anxiety… panic attacks… outright fear… that I wake up with or slide rapidly into each morning…the icy night sweats of night terrors… and so on… This question stuck with me throughout the day…rattling around in the back of my mind.

Especially as I was running head long into a brick wall… so to speak… trying to help another that is mired in depression, anxiety, grief, fear, agoraphobia, panic attacks… she had gone into hiding with her speech geared down to one word monosyllabic words… after several days of unsuccessfully trying to reach her she finally answered up her phone. (On a positive note she called me later in the evening.)

I tend to be a “fix it girl” if something is askew … or something needs to change… what can we do to make that happen. (I am better at it for other folks than I am for myself) I had come up with some possible options for a situation that is looming over her… all of which were rapidly shot down… then my next impulse is to just take care of it for her… however at this point in time I am not in a position to do so…so that is not going to happen. Then I thought wait a minute… what are you doing? This is her life… these are her choices… you can not “fix” it for her… you can be there… with your hand out (either literally or figuratively) but she has to make the choice whether to reach out and take it or not. It’s all about the choices.


Then I thought about another dear friend of mine that came after me when I was burrowing myself into a black hole trying to pull the top in over me… right after David died. She kept after me… trying to get me to come out… brave woman she is because I was like a snapping screaming weeping pissed off cougar in a cave… she kept at it … letting me know she was there… offering her love and support… but she could not pull me out of there… each of us has to make that decision… choice… no one else can do it for us… nor can we do it for each other… as much as we may want to.

Before I went to bed last night… I had chosen to venture forth a bit on a project. Then of course I started second guessing myself and falling into fear. I was worried as I went to bed… I felt a panic attack coming on and got up to get some rescue remedy… took it and went back to bed. Mind you I have been taking rescue remedy a good bit of the time when I go to bed at night… I’ve noticed that I sleep better when I do.

Then here come the dreams… I do not remember the details of all of them… but the theme… message… was consistent throughout… what? You didn’t get it that time… Wham… here it is again… need it repeated again… ok…here it is… Choice.

Ok…. That pissed me off… What the $%^# do you mean I am choosing panic attacks?! Seriously!? Yeah I woke up rather torked off. But it stayed there… bouncing around in my mind… whispering… think… understand…

This is not blaming you for depression, anxiety, grief, fear, agoraphobia, panic attacks, night terrors, whatever else is going awry…

This IS EMPOWERING YOU …. Over depression, anxiety, grief, fear, agoraphobia, panic attacks, night terrors, whatever else is going awry…

In one of the dreams there was this woman… she was standing there… with a falconing glove on… sending this bird out to hunt prey so it could eat… but rather than going out to hunt… it would fly up… then dive and attack her… ripping pieces of her flesh away… devouring it… yet she still stood there… arm out with the glove on for it to land on… over and over it tore at her flesh while she stood there… coming back to land on her glove…

Then I heard it… she is choosing to stand there… all she has to do is choose to send that bird away… it is her choice.

That is when I woke up… go back to sleep … same scenario … wake up …. Go back to sleep…I do not know how many times it repeated…


Then as I was having my breakfast… half a toasted multigrain bagel with cream cheese and coffee with cinnamon… one of my books jumped out at me… It had been catching my eye as I was putting the mastiffs outside to run… then the trio of young cats (Larry Curly and Mo) … then the Pominators… this book kept coming into focus… mind you I am a bit of a book freak… so there are many books here… yet this one kept leaping into my line of sight from the pile…

I sat down my bagel and walked over to pick it up … brought it back to the table and flipped it open… it came open to a page I had marked… then for some reason I flipped back a couple of pages and this phrase jumped out at me…

“I’ve come to understand that contained within each moment is the decision we have, as divine beings with free will, to either live in love or fall into the trappings of fear.” ~Carol J. Obley

Frankly I was still rather pissed. Then this quiet thought came back again… this is not blame… this is EMPOWERMENT… you can choose to send it away… it is up to you… this does not have power over you… only the illusion of power over you… you have the power of choice… you can choose to send it away…


Depression, anxiety, grief, fear, agoraphobia, panic attacks, night terrors, whatever else is going awry… all of this is rooted in fear…

The life events that triggered… continue to trigger… these things… we may not be able to do anything about. They are what they are… and many are cumulative…

If those cards are in your hand… then they are… one of the cards in my hand is David’s death… not a thing I can do about that… it is what it is… but how I play those cards… how you play those cards… that is up to you… we are not powerless… although often there is the illusion… that we are… note that word… illusion…

So how do we do this… step by step instructions please… hmmm… well I don’t have those… however… sometimes just the realization that we can… makes all the difference…


It is what it is… it is not what it is not … if it is useful to you use it… if not then toss it away… either way… here it is…

Mary E. Robbins
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Just Breathe...

Warning: there are ups and downs both in this writing… as well as observations…

There is no way around it… but through it…

It’s may 7th… rough start to another day… I am still here. My stomach hurts and I am very very sad. The yellow tulips are blooming by the west fence… the grape hyacinths are up… are some daffodils, holly hocks, and one planting of peony. But rather than looking at them and feeling happy… I see them and pain rips through my chest and the tears start again. It would be such a blessing to go to sleep and never wake again. I am so tired… soul weary…. Past bone weary. We were … the we being my case manager and I … were supposed to have a phone meeting with the rrb yesterday… something happened on their end and the meeting was postponed until the 14th of may. AAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

I do not want to leave these animals without their guardian in this life… but I don’t know how much longer I can last. I am so tired. Mow Mow Tat (black and white house cat) was watching me… she feels the pain and exhaustion. I had hoped to have answers on the retirement annuity yesterday… but that did not happen… I am so sorry … I am so sorry… I was entrusted with these creatures and I am failing them. I tried to study on line last night but just stared at the web page instead.

The woman from the rrb asked me what was different since David died. Really… what is different? What is different … what is different…

Where there was joy there is raw unending pain… where I was whole I am ripped asunder… with my very life force bleeding out. Where there was mutual support and caring… there is loss… and floundering… like a bird with one of it’s wings ripped off…. Have you ever seen a one winged bird fly.

Some say … you are strong… you can do this… others say you are just looking for sympathy… other’s tell me not to wallow to stand up and walk on…. Oh and yes… be thankful for the time that you had. A dear friend of mine said to me before David died … no matter how much time you’ve had it is never enough… She was speaking of her husband that had passed over 20 years ago… I did not understand what she meant at the time… I do now.

Some seem to think I am trying to do a… my pain is greater than your pain thing… seriously?! Get a friggen grip! My pain is bigger than your pain… nonsense… seriously?! Everyone’s walk is different… this is not about competition as to who’s pain is bigger… who is wiser… who is stronger… who is more depressed…

The scriptures talk about those praying for death and having to wait in this life… I understand that now. As to being strong… maybe… right now I do not feel strong… I feel ripped apart… the emotional stress and pain is tearing my physical body apart as well.

Wow… well that pretty much sums up the mornings…

May 8th:

Then I left for the day… with the intention of writing more when I got back home… what I did however was grab a bite to eat for supper and sit down on the couch and fall fast asleep… I woke when the movie I had playing stopped and the Pominators and Mastiffs howled to come in for the night…

This morning was another rough round… triggered by a daffodil/jonquil… there are some daffodils blooming along the fence line that I planted last fall for us to enjoy this spring. We… as in David and I always had this discussion… daffodils vs jonquils… I said that according to the bulb catalogs they were the same thing… he said they weren’t… just a silly little thing we chattered on about every time we saw them… lol… actually he called them … john-e-quills … makes me smile when I think of it…

Larry, Curly, and Mo are in their outdoor kitty run… I have a rope hanging from the top of it with a tough key toy on it… they go for it on the toy and climb to the top of the kitty run… it is 6 ft high, by 5 ft wide by 10 ft long… with a stump to claw on… 2 dog houses in it.. feed and water and tin on top to keep them in… actually to keep them safe as there are a number of ranch cats out here that would attack them if they were loose… so would the big dogs and many of the Pominators for that matter… they are getting used to the routine… out in the mornings back in at night… they come in curl up on a shelf in their indoor kitty condo and go to sleep… after some cuddles…

The cockatiels are outside this morning too… they love sitting outside in their cage singing with the rest of the birds. Sitting up on a platform under the evergreen tree in the front yard. I bring them back inside if I go anywhere… the winds/rains etc… can be pretty rough on them in that cage so I do not risk them… Pete is over 20 years old and Blue is not far behind…

I love hearing them chitter-chatter and sing along with the wild birds… even when they get to shrieking outside it is a pleasant sound to me… not so much when they are inside… sometimes I think they could shatter glass with that high pitch when they do the shriek thing.

How long does this process last… hmmmm…. I don’t know… I would hazard to say… as long as it lasts… the rest of this lifetime in some degree or form. Is this a bad thing… no… it is neither bad nor good… it just is.

I remember when my grandmother died (my mom’s mom) in October 1969. The mom that I knew before grandma’s physical death disappeared… and never came back. Actually that is not true… I got to see her again for a day when she was in the hospital with sepsis this past year before she died. Was she wallowing for 40 plus years… no she was not…

Grandma was her anchor and she blamed herself for Grandma’s passing… in truth I blamed myself for Grandma’s passing as well… when it was only her time to move on and neither of us had the power to hold Grandma here longer than her appointed time… just like I could not hold David here longer than his appointed time… as hard as I tried… a realization thorough writing…

Just the same … my mother punished herself until the day she died… denying herself happiness…peace… joy… positive relationships… for any prolonged period of time… another realization through writing….

My Uncle Gene as well… when Grandma passed he was no longer the same. He had already lost his wife and unborn child in an auto accident… then it seemed Grandma was his anchor. After her passing he could be… or rather was… the most wonderful man one minute… like John Wayne in the old movies… then flip to Freddie Krueger on a bad acid trip the next minute… then back again. He would give you the shirt off his back… then he would flip and grind you into the ground with it… he never made it through the loss pain and rage… not in this life…

Both of them are free now… as they have both passed out of this life. I hope he got to meet his unborn child of so many years ago… just as I hope to meet mine when I cross over…

When my Aunt Marty’s partner of so many years… over 40 years… I am not sure of the full length of time they were together… but for as long as I can remember… when she passed on to the other side… my beloved Aunt’s physical health started to fail. I remember Aunt Marty telling me how she walked by Gladys room… knowing she was no longer there… but still looking into her room expecting to find her there… Gladys’s health had been failing for some time and Aunt Marty had been taking care of her. It wasn’t but a year or 2 later that Aunt Marty crossed over as well… she sold their house in Texas and went to live with some friends in Virginia for her last years… now she is free of the constraints of this life…

(I will have no judgments on this page… it is not for you to say what another person’s walk should or should not be… it is up to that person… and their personal beliefs… so before you jump on saying what should or should not be… read your own scriptures regarding judging others…each of us has our own path to walk in this life… and no path is identical to the other)

I write … because I write… it is part of who I am. Part of my journey in this life is searching and growing… much of that is done through writing. Do I post everything that I write… no I do not. The swings of grief sadness to happiness yes I have been posting parts of that… the rage that goes from the heat of the surface of the sun… to the depths of the coldest ice in space… no I have not been posting. When it is on the hot end of the spectrum… all the emotions are present… burning in their intensity… when it flips to the cold side there is a cold calm that eliminates all pain and conscience… effectively eliminating all constraints.

Of course there is fear as well… that has been seeping through the writing… as well as courage… courage is not the lack of fear… it is moving forward… or standing fast… or sometimes writhing in pain… sometimes swathed in fear… it is what it is…

Some of you will recognize this… and some of you will not… I have not been posting the rage… because it tends to feed the flame whether hot or icy… and it spreads from person to person like a runaway forest fire burning… consuming… all in its path…

Why am I writing and posting this now… because someone out there needs to know that they are not alone in this… wherever … whatever… they are steeped in… they need to know… they are not alone… the only way around it… is through it… take another breath… it…the emotion… the process… shifts… and moves like the currents in a lake/ocean… or the winds on the surface of the earth… breathe again… and know that you are not alone… no you are not the same person you used to be… no you will never be the same again… you are changing… you are growing… no it is not a pleasant process… it is what it is… yes you can do this… you are doing this… breathe…

The rage… pain… joy… tears… let yourself feel it… embrace the turmoil… you are changing… breathe… the only way around it is through it… you can come through it…


Mary E. Robbins
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