A Peaceful Heart

Good morning Peeps…
Beautiful fresh snow on the ground… totally calm … as in no wind… not very cold… in the 30’s in my front yard… Pominators & Mastiffs have already been run out… Mastiffs are still out for a bit…

Breakfast is cooked and done… home fries (potatoes) 2 sausage links, 2 eggs, and ½ grapefruit… oh yeah and coffeeeeeee…. Of course coffee…

The talk is playing on tv… gotta love the internet… popped over to CBS.com and clicked on the talk and there she goes… yay… those girls do make me laugh…

Fell asleep right after dinner last night… sitting in the recliner couch… woke up and staggered off to bed…

Actually feel pretty rested this morning… thankfully no obnoxious calls last night… giving thanks for that… yay!

Got the estimates for the work needing to be done on my truck… ugh… but it is what it is…

Washed dishes this morning… been trying to train them to wash themselves… but failing miserably… lol…

Feel much better today… this past week has been a bit of a nightmare (understatement of the week)… swinging back and forth from anxiety, depression, massive panic attacks… to outright rage… when this crap happens… there is no getting around it except to go through it…

I refuse to give into fear… I refuse to give the abusive person that attacked me power over my life… I am thankful that this person’s true face was shown now rather than later.

Deal with your issues and take responsibility for your words and actions… rather than attacking others and blaming them for the mess you made yourself. No one is perfect… at least not in this life… all of us are a work in progress… learning and growing as we go along… it is up to us whether we stagnate and turn into something toxic or move forward bit by bit… sometimes one step forward several steps back… but still growing… as difficult… painful as it may be… we all have… what’s that word… oh yeah… the c word… choice…

May you walk in peace…

Busy full day today…

Would love to stay… but gotta go…

Gratitudes:
Warm bed
Laughs at the Talk
A peaceful heart

Mary E. Robbins
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Hateful Rantings of an Abusive Woman: Susan Dennis

Unfortunately, Yes some women are abusers too.

Yesterday we, as in my husband, David and I received a bit of the worst behavior from a person I had not spoken with, nor had contact with since the last spate of nasty letters. Last time it was in email form right about the same time of year. Actually in her previous attack she waited until after Thanksgiving to start her tirade. This tirade took place in 2005; while I was recovering from prolonged life threatening illness and the resulting major surgery. Frankly it caught me totally off guard, and I made the mistake of trying to have a reasonable conversation with her.

Major mistake; it is impossible to have a reasonable conversation with a person that is totally unreasonable. Previously as in this time there were no conversations leading up to her irrational attack. Just the attack; and the resulting emotional turmoil.

This time, as in last time, she requested that I keep her tirade a secret. Foolishly last time I did not publish her behavior. In keeping her secret I inadvertently enabled her to repeat her behavior without fear of exposure. I foolishly thought by simply having no contact with this person I could avoid her abusive behavior. I was wrong.

One of my friends asked me a very valid question; and suggested a course of action. “Why should you be complicit in her abuse of you? I'd publish the letter verbatim and give her full credit.” She was right, by keeping her secret I was being complicit.

I thought about this throughout the day and following night. I reread the tirade. Starting to think oh well let it go maybe it will go away. No it won’t it escalates. Sadly this seems to be typical behavior in people on the receiving end of abuse. Myself included.

That maybe it will change, or maybe it will go away or they didn’t really mean to be abusive. Whether it’s verbal, emotional, or physical abuse; it does not just go away. By the way, they did mean it. Every bit of it.

By keeping her “secret” I put myself in the position of victim to her abuse. No thank you. I will not empower this abusive person. Just as I am responsible for my words and actions. She is responsible for her words and actions.

Here is her hateful libelous abuse in her own handwriting. With my response following.

What she says in her irrational rant is untrue. Yes, I can prove that her tirade is untrue.

This hateful person’s name is:
Susan Dennis
2317 East C Street
Torrington, WY 82240
307-532-3732

If you have dealings with this person. Keep in mind that the person you are really dealing with; behind the smiling mask, is the person that wrote the following hateful letter.

Sadly this ranting person is my youngest step-son’s mother-in-law.

I refuse to be the victim: to her abusive bullying behavior. Oh and by the way. No I will not be baited into a physical confrontation.

Her unprovoked irrational attack makes me concerned for my son and daughter-in-law.

The truly sad thing is that our wonderful son has Huntingtons. We love him very much. He always has been and always will be welcome in our home.

There is also a comment regarding my mother. My mother’s home burned to the ground in April of this year. It was a total loss. This home had been in our family for over 100 years. No there was no insurance. My mom lost everything in this fire, home, personal property, family photos, her beloved pets. She has since been living with us. As a result of the stress of the fire she has lost the ability to transfer herself from wheel chair to chair etc. On a bright note she is now able to move her feet, so we have high hopes that she will be able to stand again. She is 82 years of age.

Right click on the photo and open it, in a new tab, or new window, and it will enlarge to full size. I scanned her letter so there could be no question as to the author of said disturbed missive.

Page one of Susan Dennis's irrational abusive tirade:

Page 2 of Susan Dennis's abusive unprovoked tirade:


My Response:

Enough! I will not keep your secret. I will not be your victim!

True enough, this attack has saddened me.

It brings to mind a very difficult transition for my step daughter; Donna. She had a very difficult time adjusting when her father and I were married in 1991. She was a young adult at that time. She has since moved to another city and is raising her two wonderful boys.

I can't help but wonder what the logic behind Susan's attack is. If there is any at all. I have had very little contact with this woman over the years. Frankly I've avoided her like the plague. Who knows perhaps that is part of the problem. In truth I've avoided her because of her behavior. She does not have to like me. If she wants to burn up energy hating me that is her choice. It really makes no difference to me.

However I will not condone her behavior by keeping it secret. I will not allow her to abuse me or victimize me.

I chose to not be a victim. If someone is abusing you. You do not deserve it! It is not your fault. Get help!

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Life is a journey, how you live it is your choice. You can choose to not be a victim!
I choose to not allow a hateful woman steal my dream.

Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch: Living the Dream in Wyoming
Beautiful Pomeranians
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Yesterday Was the Pits!

Yesterday was the pits. I went on overload and binged, and then binged some more.

I’m still pretty shaky emotionally today. Nasty dreams last night. I know it’s from all the stress. Stress generated from placing the dogs, and from the vile way my mother is acting.

Irrational and vile, that seems to be her mode of operation at this point. Of course it comes after she says what ever she thinks you want to hear. Until she is called to account.

I’ve seen her act this way before, usually with Gene. However when I look back this has been a pattern with me as well. From the time grandma died on. This pattern has repeated over and over again.

I am doing my best not to slip back into this cycle. Breaks my heart.
The whole bloody mess breaks my heart. It doesn’t have to be this way.

So what can I do about the way she chooses to live her life. Nada, nothing, she has free will, it is up to her whether she lives in her self made hell or not.

However it is my choice as to whether I allow her to pull me into it again or not.

I am so tired of this shit. My whole life it’s been one created crisis after another. Usually stemming from something my mother was trying to make happen. Either deliberately or subconsciously; you know after a while it doesn’t matter which it is.

I am so tired of her showing one face to others and another to me. I’ve seen glimpses of her over the years, but most of the time I see this face she shows me. I am not sure which is real.

Both mom and Linda lied to me about the septic job. There was absolutely no point in it. I wonder sometimes just what they think. Turn a simple straightforward job into a swirling dervish of shit. Frankly my attitude at this point it turning into F*** you Both!

Linda had Dave S. call me less than 15 minutes after mom and I hung up. That is After the last horrid conversation with my mother about dogs she can’t possibly take care of; topped off by a discussion about that septic tank mess. I told mom that if linda did not get in contact with me before the check cleared the bank when it did I was writing aunt marty a letter explaining that linda refused to work with me regarding her septic tank; making it impossible for me to do what Aunt marty had asked me to do; and that I was returning the money for the septic tank to her.

Was it coincidence that contact was made with linda directly afterwards. I seriously doubt it. Both mom and Linda say that linda had no knowledge about the crap that mom pulled a few days ago, trying to get me to give them the money rather than paying the contractors. Of course mom said, the morning when we talked, that Linda had asked her to ask me about it. So which of them are lying? There is a question for you. Petty bullshit. Both of them are lying, that would be my thought.

So much petty bullshit and un-necessary drama. Totally pointless. Why not just get the job done.

Frankly I’ve had enough nonsense to last me a lifetime, several lifetimes in fact.

Enough of being frozen in place by conflict. I need to get the cedarcide sprayed today. So here I go. Need to get an order into revival animal for kennel supplies this afternoon as well. Not to mention mountains of paperwork that has piled up over the past few years. It will be so wonderful to have all that caught up and filed.

So enough of beating myself up because my mother is hating on me for doing what is necessary. Enough. Enough. Enough. Enough.

Still breaks my heart.

Life is a journey… sometimes there are jagged edges on the trail. Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs

September 24th, 2008 Wow What a Horrible Conversation

Wow! What a horrible conversation. I tried to actually have a conversation with my mother last night about the rest of the kennel dogs I’ve been taking care of for a year.

Frankly I don’t think it has much to do with the dogs. Maybe I am wrong, but I’ve seen and heard mom act the same way with Uncle Gene. Over and over again.

Mom’s focus now is on hoarding the kennel dogs. I understand that she loves them. I do too. However it’s about doing what’s best for the dogs. Frankly it’s also about her not being physically or financially able to take care of them as well.

I am reducing my kennel numbers down so I can take excellent care of my dogs, not leave them in filthy flea ridden dog pens never handled. I want to be able to enjoy my dogs not have so many that it is impossible to take care of them.

It is inconceivable to me that she would not want them to go into warm caring homes. Makes absolutely no sense to me at all.

Last night during her tirade which I am sure she will deny. She said she would never speak to me again if I placed them. Sad as that is; it would actually be a relief. Seems kind of strange to me to think that never speaking to my mother again, Nor hearing from her nasty mouth again would actually be a relief.

On my part, I want my life. I have had enough of the manipulation, accusations, and so on that comes with dealing with her. It’s exhausting and it is affecting my mental and physical health. I’ve pursued a relationship with her for long enough. I am just tired. No change that exhausted from the abuse.