Mornings have become the hardest... overwhelming sadness and grief... I talked to someone I thought was a friend... perhaps they were trying to be... I don't know... but I have been having nightmares ever since I spoke with her. Decisions have been next to impossible to make since David's death... it's like I am frozen in place... afraid doubting every choice... decision I have ever made...
I see my therapist and a case manager today... somehow I must make myself get in my jeep and drive to their offices... i am so afraid... I had dreams and goals before David died... I was actually functioning on a somewhat consistent level... all that changed in the split second it took for his time in this life to be over... I could not resuscitate his body... I tried and tried until the ambulances got here... it seems when a person's time is up ... there is no getting them back into that body... why is he gone and i am still here... stuck in place... non functional ... doubting every choice... filled with pain and desolation...
I am still here and do not have the release to go... I have felt that release before when my body was dying from a bowel blockage... staying in this life without him is not my preferred choice... neither is leaving without having that release... so now what?????
I do not have the answer to that just yet... perhaps I don't have to have the answer to that... perhaps it is just moment by moment. Maybe that is ok... it's going to have to be ok... because that is all I can do at this point... truthfully I think that is all I could ever do... just moment by moment... no matter how many plans and goals were made... it still boils down to moment by moment...
This moment I choose to appreciate the sunshine... even though it is 23 degrees F outside.
This moment I choose to go and get on my stationary bike and ride for a bit.
I am still here... breathing... yes I am still afraid... yes I am still grieving... yes there is a huge black cloud of depression surrounding me... and so much doubt...
But... I can still choose... it's ok if it's not a perfect choice... now to the bicycle...
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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