Rough day the day before yesterday… horrid coughing until gagging and choking… lungs hurt all day…good visit with grief counselor from hospice. Crashed again later in the evening. Raunchy night until I curled up with Diesel and went to sleep, slept with Sara and Diesel last night at well. Sara( bull mastiff) got hot and went out to the couch… Diesel (cane corso) curled up and stayed with me…. Sara does love that couch…

Yesterday was a bit more stable. Still waves of grief… but with moments of joy at good memories and being thankful for the time we had physically together. At this point howling waves of grief seems to be the new norm. Good thing I live a distance from my nearest neighbor… if I was in an apartment complex the police would be beating on the door because some neighbor thought someone was getting killed. As it is the kennel joins in … in the howl… They miss him too…

Ok it’s real… I still do not want it to be… but it is. My Poot (nickname for hubs) has crossed over and I am still here… looks like I have something left to do. For one thing these animals need their guardian caretaker.

I’ve been angry … angry at … well angry at the pointlessness of all the work we did trying to prolong David’s life and to make his body healthier… royally pissed at myself for not just saying whatever and letting him have his chewing tobacco and apple fritters. I’ve had a huge “what’s the point” going on.

Then for some reason I was drawn to read … or at least look at the ages on the obituary pages. The ages are all over the place… from the very young… as in not yet born crossing over from the womb… to the very aged…. Interspersed all over in between.

My Uncle Clarence and I used to have this conversation. Years ago before dementia took his mind and memories… he has since crossed over. I remember the last time I saw him alive. He was looking at me un-sure of who I was… with that look I should know you… but who are you… are you friend or enemy. May he have peace on the other side… leaving behind all that was torturous.

Back to topic. Uncle Clarence was in World War II. We talked about it a number of times, and he until the day he passed did his best to stay away from explosives, and fireworks because they triggered him back into the battlegrounds. We talked about the people that lived through the fighting… and those that died. Some walked right out into it and were never wounded… then there were those that fought and tried to keep cover, that were slaughtered no matter how cautious they were. We talked about this and mulled it over at length multiple times… both of us came to the conclusion, at the time, that we must have an exit date... set even before we enter this life…. So to speak.

It would seem that we have a certain number of days… moments… time fragments in this life… then we are done. Frankly I do not believe we can add a moment to the length of our lives. I do however believe we can affect the quality of our lives while we are in this life.

Is this line of thought accurate… I don’t know… I won’t know until I cross over myself… even then I may not know. Frankly it’s the only way I can make any sense of life and death in this realm. As to the why of it, I don’t know that either. As I do not have access to that material… it seems it is classified beyond my clearance level.

I will say this though; David’s stats were better than they had been in years. (A1c, cholesterol numbers etc.) His color was good, his energy levels were picking up, joint pain receding. His body was becoming healthier. He was happy and at peace with life. Then …. Like a switch was flipped… gone. That body shut down … just like a breaker was thrown. He was (still is) a good man and he died a good death.

I am still here. Like so many other wives/husbands/soul-mates who’s partners go on ahead. It seems I still have some life to live. Irrevocably altered from what was… a new adventure… unsought… but there just the same…

I screamed … I yelled.. I hollered… bartered… raged… and yet I could not undo what had been done. It is as it is…. David has crossed over and I am still here… and do not have the release to cross over. Although as erratic as my heart has been and the pain in my lungs makes me wonder how long. One moment at a time… until it’s not.

Today I choose to greet the day… I am thinking I am going to put a pot of coffee on. David loved brewed coffee… he also loved having me make it for him…

David is in my heart… and with me always… and I wait the time until I too can rest… as this guardian is weary…and much in this body is broken and worn… not time yet… more to do… one moment at a time… live your life… now….

Appreciate the moments...

May you walk in peace
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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Amazing predawn moon...

Good morning…. Just ran the mastiffs outside…. Amazing full moon… just enough clouds to frame it beautifully…. Ring around the moon… and it would seem a skunk has come visiting…and been disturbed… probably in one of the cat feeding stations… or a coyote chasing one about… the “aroma” made me very glad I have yard fences… It is 27 degrees F but seems much warmer… wonderfully calm… no wind… absolutely beautiful outside… thinking I am taking my hot cup of tea and honey outside and soak in the beauty of the pre dawn… appreciate the moments… life is happening now…

 In the midst of all the pain grieving stress and loss... I had totally lost sight of this... seeing only devastation and empty moments... hours... days... weeks... months... years ... ahead...

But truth be told… we do not have hours… days… weeks… months… or years… all we actually have is this very moment… This very moment is where life happens…. Where your focus is … what you choose to relive… or dwell on… or seek out… moment to moment is what makes up your life….


May you walk in peace...
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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Heading out to do ranch rounds...

Heading out to do ranch rounds ... the air is filled with wonderful moisture.... makes it so much easier to breathe. Lighting up the burn bin before the rain/snows start... that is if they start... at any rate the wind is not blowing and the bin will be burned down to ash once again... then checking for eggs and feeding the chickens... and on to the kennels... for a full on feed and water... stock up their feeders for several days... the pominators anyway... the big dogs is a daily thing because their feed pans are outside and giving them more just feeds the birds... yes the birds have feed available... but they sure like the dog food...

then I am heading for the wood pile to bring in 2 or 3 carts of wood. At least that is the plan... I'll refill the wood ring then refill the cart and set it beside the table... really do not like burning wet wood... so here is hoping I get enough in to last through the forecast storms...

It is a wonderful 40 degrees F outside with now wind and an overcast sky... I heard doves calling this morning... their sound always makes me think of late summer when I was a child… I remember hearing them call from the huge cottonwoods that lined the dirt lane I grew up on. Loved those trees… but their sound always heralded the end of the summer season. In my mind I can see the green of the cotton wood leaves… and hear their rustle above. It was always cooler under those trees than the Chinese elms. Such shiny beautiful leaves… mom used to tell me to leave grandma’s dog … Frisky alone during what she called the dog days of summer… the dog days being when it was so hot they got irritable… He was a black and white terrier dog… I remember grandma with her long hair is shades of silver and gray… her coffee mug with the coffee hound inside of it… Her house was always so clean… I do not to this day know how she did that… I’ve always loved a clean organized house… but have never had the knack for it… perhaps I can develop it yet…

She had hollyhocks… and petunias… pink single roses… and white flowers I can not remember the name of now… oh yes and white asters that had tiny flowers by the multitudes and grew taller than I was at the time…Grandma had blue eyes… she make me the prettiest dresses to start the first day of school in when I was a little girl.. and little short sets with flowers on them to wear in the summers… I hope she and mom are having a wonderful time on the other side… I miss them both…

I planted flowers here last fall… I hope they make it… tulips, 4’oclocks, bachelor buttons, morning glories, peonies, crocus, iris, daylilies, stargazer lilies, bearded iris, dutch iris, daffodils… or jonquils as my husband always called them.

I hope they grow and thrive and bloom and that David can see them too. I looked at a seed catalog yesterday. Then couldn’t stand it and just left it on the table…. David had been talking to his brother in law about having a garden together. Probably would never have happened… but he was so happy talking about it.

We had been talking about planting some mulberries, cherries, black berries, and raspberries. Probably more tasty treats for the grasshoppers… but we were going to give it a go. When he was here… as in alive and home from the railroad he made an effort to help till the ground… and dig the holes for the trees to go into. We set out 3 aspen last fall… He had such an awful time with his skin when he was out in the green growth… his hands would break out something awful… he tried anyway…

Last summer he got me a fly fishing rig… then we didn’t make it back out to try it out… the summer got so hot that we stayed home and watched Gunsmoke in the air conditioning. Both of us loved that series.

Ok… going to stop rambling for a bit and head out the door… today everything is bringing David to mind… I’m thinking there may be more rain coming from my eyes than from the skies today… aw well… perhaps this is as it should be.

I have to trust that it was David’s time to cross over… This thought came to me as I was sitting in the recliner gasping for breath after a particularly nasty coughing episode a day or 2 ago. My lungs were on fire and I was borderline on passing out and I became worried for the mastiffs and the rest of the crew. The mastiffs were loose in the house and there was no way they would allow anyone to get into the house to take care of them if I were to cross over… then the thought came… ok… there is nothing I can do about this… if I am to cross over I will just have to trust that it is my time to do so and all is as it was meant to be…. Then I heard in my head… the same is for David… Just trust, and allow yourself to walk in peace.

On that note… I am heading out the door…. Ranch rounds and all that… oh yeah… I saw a bald eagle fly over yesterday as I walked to the mailbox… and listened to the sweet sounds of bird song this morning … David had lost that range of hearing… he could no longer hear their sweet song after so many years of screaming steel on steel from the steel train wheels on the steel track… I am thinking he can hear them now…

Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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life is an illusion... a gift... a nightmare...

And my Husband too... I can just see him romping with our Mini Tatanka...

the following is my past 2 days... some is rather dark...

Nothing seems real…. Not the bills I just paid… nor the sun shining outside… nor the wind sweeping across the ranges. It’s like I’m caught up in this virtual landscape… caught in time… like a dragon fly of old encased in amber… frozen… the only constant is the gray to black cloud of emotion and pain…

The birds are feasting at the bird feeder David put up for me east of the kitchen window… beautiful little creatures. I used to treasure the times of silence in this place when David would be sleeping… or off with his friends doing a boys day out. Now the silence is deafening in it’s intensity… and the sound of the wind blowing through the trees and around the building seems cold and foreboding.

They talked about the world ending in December 2012 according to that mayan calendar. My world as I knew it did end in December 2012. What I cherished most in this life was taken away in a blink of an eye. I do not understand why the happiness we shared… the desire to grow old together and die together was too much. Actually a huge part of me did die with David. I am not who I was… I am but a hollow shell stumbling through the motions of life because the 40 to 60 souls on this place are depending on me to feed and water them.

I see the love in their eyes… the concern in the mastiff’s eyes… as they seek contact and try to draw me back to them out of the dark void I have been sinking into. The flicker of fear when their touch or efforts reach only an empty cold place… I’ve been here before… I know where this leads… I am so tired of this ride that slipping into even a cold oblivion would seem a relief.

When mom passed over to the other side in September 2012… I was actually happy for her. She was free of the constraints of a wheel chair… free of the unending pain of the body she was trapped in. I felt it all fall away from her and rejoiced in her freedom. Now that David has crossed over as well… I am reeling from the absence of them both.

I am hurt and I am angry… what is the point keeps running through my mind. Yesterday morning I watched Beyond the Gates on television. It’s a story about civil war in Rwanda and how people turned on each other with machetes. As well as the excuses made by the UN for not getting involved refusing to call what was happening genocide. At the end of the movie there was a scene involving a teacher that had survived the conflict… and a young woman that a priest sacrificed himself to help… She said so many had lost their lives… had their time cut short… that we should value the moments we have. Value the time we have been given. I probably do not have the dialogue quite right… but this is as I remember it.

Value the time we have been given. Hmmmm… this struck a chord with me… helped me to get through the day yesterday. Because frankly I would have preferred to have died with David rather than to have been left behind floundering through a morass of pain and grief. Why give such a great love only to rip it away mid life… makes no sense to me.

The trip to town for supplies was challenging to say the least. I did get some rescue remedy… that stuff works… at least it did for me. Total friggen meltdown in the produce isle in Walmart. Bananas! Friggen Bananas! I always bought bananas for David. The juice isle… I was always scouring labels trying to find some variety that he could drink that did not have a semi load of sugar added to it. I did not go near the meats… my husband loved grilled steaks and hamburgers. Panic attack after panic attack hit… massive grief shaking crying… total melt down… It took 4 of the gummy chews that rescue remedy has for me to actually get through picking up supplies. Perhaps down the road I can see a steak and smile and remember how much he loved a good grilled steak… rather than feeling like a serrated dagger was being plunged into my heart.


Martha and Linda (aunt with parkinsons and cousin) were able to get their supplies for the month. Their pick up truck is not working reliably so I took them to town… while I was there I got dog feed for the month as well as a few groceries for me. It was good to spend time with them. Auntie is still missing her husband… he crossed over 20 years ago. Those that get to grow old together or die together have no idea how lucky they are.

I was exhausted by the time I got home… but I did it. Then I made the mistake of answering the phone. The calls were innocent enough. One was a person I’ve known for over 40 years wanting to buy a couple of little trailers that are on the home place… the place where I was raised, mom’s home. The other was a close friend of mom’s that did not know David had crossed over in December. She called to wish us Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Then got all worried about me living out here by my self…. Telling me that I can’t unload that feed truck the way my body is… Saying I needed to sell this place and build a house on mom’s property… I realize she meant well… but after we hung up I completely lost it. Panic attacks, depression, searing grief and loss… screaming for my mama and for my husband… crumpled into a pile and stayed there… beaten to a bloody pulp by emotional pain.

Earlier in the year I gave my word to David that we would keep those dogs until they aged out. I am going to do the best I can to honor that promise. If I check out in the process, so be it. That just means my time here is finally finished…

I am still in here amidst all the chaos and pain… it is going to take some time… considerably more than 2 weeks… for me to heal and stabilize… what is my purpose in this life now… frankly over all I do not know at this time… it is probably shining out there but as of yet I am unable to allow myself to see it. What I do know is that I need to write this journey… is this writing just for me… I don’t really know… but I think not.

Ok… it is 12:44 p.m. and I am going to go out and start unloading that truck. May not get it all done today… but part of it anyway… one step at a time… there is over a half ton of feed on there… needs to be in storage before the next snow storm comes in…. today is Wednesday storm is due in on Friday… could do without the wind blowing… but it is what it is…

May you walk in peace…


Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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