Rough day the day before yesterday… horrid coughing until gagging and choking… lungs hurt all day…good visit with grief counselor from hospice. Crashed again later in the evening. Raunchy night until I curled up with Diesel and went to sleep, slept with Sara and Diesel last night at well. Sara( bull mastiff) got hot and went out to the couch… Diesel (cane corso) curled up and stayed with me…. Sara does love that couch…

Yesterday was a bit more stable. Still waves of grief… but with moments of joy at good memories and being thankful for the time we had physically together. At this point howling waves of grief seems to be the new norm. Good thing I live a distance from my nearest neighbor… if I was in an apartment complex the police would be beating on the door because some neighbor thought someone was getting killed. As it is the kennel joins in … in the howl… They miss him too…

Ok it’s real… I still do not want it to be… but it is. My Poot (nickname for hubs) has crossed over and I am still here… looks like I have something left to do. For one thing these animals need their guardian caretaker.

I’ve been angry … angry at … well angry at the pointlessness of all the work we did trying to prolong David’s life and to make his body healthier… royally pissed at myself for not just saying whatever and letting him have his chewing tobacco and apple fritters. I’ve had a huge “what’s the point” going on.

Then for some reason I was drawn to read … or at least look at the ages on the obituary pages. The ages are all over the place… from the very young… as in not yet born crossing over from the womb… to the very aged…. Interspersed all over in between.

My Uncle Clarence and I used to have this conversation. Years ago before dementia took his mind and memories… he has since crossed over. I remember the last time I saw him alive. He was looking at me un-sure of who I was… with that look I should know you… but who are you… are you friend or enemy. May he have peace on the other side… leaving behind all that was torturous.

Back to topic. Uncle Clarence was in World War II. We talked about it a number of times, and he until the day he passed did his best to stay away from explosives, and fireworks because they triggered him back into the battlegrounds. We talked about the people that lived through the fighting… and those that died. Some walked right out into it and were never wounded… then there were those that fought and tried to keep cover, that were slaughtered no matter how cautious they were. We talked about this and mulled it over at length multiple times… both of us came to the conclusion, at the time, that we must have an exit date... set even before we enter this life…. So to speak.

It would seem that we have a certain number of days… moments… time fragments in this life… then we are done. Frankly I do not believe we can add a moment to the length of our lives. I do however believe we can affect the quality of our lives while we are in this life.

Is this line of thought accurate… I don’t know… I won’t know until I cross over myself… even then I may not know. Frankly it’s the only way I can make any sense of life and death in this realm. As to the why of it, I don’t know that either. As I do not have access to that material… it seems it is classified beyond my clearance level.

I will say this though; David’s stats were better than they had been in years. (A1c, cholesterol numbers etc.) His color was good, his energy levels were picking up, joint pain receding. His body was becoming healthier. He was happy and at peace with life. Then …. Like a switch was flipped… gone. That body shut down … just like a breaker was thrown. He was (still is) a good man and he died a good death.

I am still here. Like so many other wives/husbands/soul-mates who’s partners go on ahead. It seems I still have some life to live. Irrevocably altered from what was… a new adventure… unsought… but there just the same…

I screamed … I yelled.. I hollered… bartered… raged… and yet I could not undo what had been done. It is as it is…. David has crossed over and I am still here… and do not have the release to cross over. Although as erratic as my heart has been and the pain in my lungs makes me wonder how long. One moment at a time… until it’s not.

Today I choose to greet the day… I am thinking I am going to put a pot of coffee on. David loved brewed coffee… he also loved having me make it for him…

David is in my heart… and with me always… and I wait the time until I too can rest… as this guardian is weary…and much in this body is broken and worn… not time yet… more to do… one moment at a time… live your life… now….

Appreciate the moments...

May you walk in peace
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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Amazing predawn moon...

Good morning…. Just ran the mastiffs outside…. Amazing full moon… just enough clouds to frame it beautifully…. Ring around the moon… and it would seem a skunk has come visiting…and been disturbed… probably in one of the cat feeding stations… or a coyote chasing one about… the “aroma” made me very glad I have yard fences… It is 27 degrees F but seems much warmer… wonderfully calm… no wind… absolutely beautiful outside… thinking I am taking my hot cup of tea and honey outside and soak in the beauty of the pre dawn… appreciate the moments… life is happening now…

 In the midst of all the pain grieving stress and loss... I had totally lost sight of this... seeing only devastation and empty moments... hours... days... weeks... months... years ... ahead...

But truth be told… we do not have hours… days… weeks… months… or years… all we actually have is this very moment… This very moment is where life happens…. Where your focus is … what you choose to relive… or dwell on… or seek out… moment to moment is what makes up your life….


May you walk in peace...
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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Heading out to do ranch rounds...

Heading out to do ranch rounds ... the air is filled with wonderful moisture.... makes it so much easier to breathe. Lighting up the burn bin before the rain/snows start... that is if they start... at any rate the wind is not blowing and the bin will be burned down to ash once again... then checking for eggs and feeding the chickens... and on to the kennels... for a full on feed and water... stock up their feeders for several days... the pominators anyway... the big dogs is a daily thing because their feed pans are outside and giving them more just feeds the birds... yes the birds have feed available... but they sure like the dog food...

then I am heading for the wood pile to bring in 2 or 3 carts of wood. At least that is the plan... I'll refill the wood ring then refill the cart and set it beside the table... really do not like burning wet wood... so here is hoping I get enough in to last through the forecast storms...

It is a wonderful 40 degrees F outside with now wind and an overcast sky... I heard doves calling this morning... their sound always makes me think of late summer when I was a child… I remember hearing them call from the huge cottonwoods that lined the dirt lane I grew up on. Loved those trees… but their sound always heralded the end of the summer season. In my mind I can see the green of the cotton wood leaves… and hear their rustle above. It was always cooler under those trees than the Chinese elms. Such shiny beautiful leaves… mom used to tell me to leave grandma’s dog … Frisky alone during what she called the dog days of summer… the dog days being when it was so hot they got irritable… He was a black and white terrier dog… I remember grandma with her long hair is shades of silver and gray… her coffee mug with the coffee hound inside of it… Her house was always so clean… I do not to this day know how she did that… I’ve always loved a clean organized house… but have never had the knack for it… perhaps I can develop it yet…

She had hollyhocks… and petunias… pink single roses… and white flowers I can not remember the name of now… oh yes and white asters that had tiny flowers by the multitudes and grew taller than I was at the time…Grandma had blue eyes… she make me the prettiest dresses to start the first day of school in when I was a little girl.. and little short sets with flowers on them to wear in the summers… I hope she and mom are having a wonderful time on the other side… I miss them both…

I planted flowers here last fall… I hope they make it… tulips, 4’oclocks, bachelor buttons, morning glories, peonies, crocus, iris, daylilies, stargazer lilies, bearded iris, dutch iris, daffodils… or jonquils as my husband always called them.

I hope they grow and thrive and bloom and that David can see them too. I looked at a seed catalog yesterday. Then couldn’t stand it and just left it on the table…. David had been talking to his brother in law about having a garden together. Probably would never have happened… but he was so happy talking about it.

We had been talking about planting some mulberries, cherries, black berries, and raspberries. Probably more tasty treats for the grasshoppers… but we were going to give it a go. When he was here… as in alive and home from the railroad he made an effort to help till the ground… and dig the holes for the trees to go into. We set out 3 aspen last fall… He had such an awful time with his skin when he was out in the green growth… his hands would break out something awful… he tried anyway…

Last summer he got me a fly fishing rig… then we didn’t make it back out to try it out… the summer got so hot that we stayed home and watched Gunsmoke in the air conditioning. Both of us loved that series.

Ok… going to stop rambling for a bit and head out the door… today everything is bringing David to mind… I’m thinking there may be more rain coming from my eyes than from the skies today… aw well… perhaps this is as it should be.

I have to trust that it was David’s time to cross over… This thought came to me as I was sitting in the recliner gasping for breath after a particularly nasty coughing episode a day or 2 ago. My lungs were on fire and I was borderline on passing out and I became worried for the mastiffs and the rest of the crew. The mastiffs were loose in the house and there was no way they would allow anyone to get into the house to take care of them if I were to cross over… then the thought came… ok… there is nothing I can do about this… if I am to cross over I will just have to trust that it is my time to do so and all is as it was meant to be…. Then I heard in my head… the same is for David… Just trust, and allow yourself to walk in peace.

On that note… I am heading out the door…. Ranch rounds and all that… oh yeah… I saw a bald eagle fly over yesterday as I walked to the mailbox… and listened to the sweet sounds of bird song this morning … David had lost that range of hearing… he could no longer hear their sweet song after so many years of screaming steel on steel from the steel train wheels on the steel track… I am thinking he can hear them now…

Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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Wake up and Know...

Wake up and know…. You are not alone.

Celebrate life!

I was asleep … and now I am awake…

I woke early this morning… well relatively early for me… between 5 and 6 a.m. and of course nestled down into my covers once again…. Thinking I wanted to slip back into the soft darkness of sleep. Then wondering, what was it I was dreaming. As the remnants of where I had been in my sleep laughed at me and danced away… leaving the sense that I had been … and still was… wrapped in the love of those that love me and that I love… that have since crossed the veil.

I pulled back the down alternative blankets that I was snuggled into… moved aside my body pillow… placed my mini pillow in its spot for the day… Yes I named a small pillow after Mini Tatanka (Pomeranian) after she crossed. Sat upright with my feet on the floor … toes seeking my slippers and got up. Then did the morning walk to the bathroom... as my body started its morning routine. It’s a short walk, as the bathroom in our little house is right next to the bedroom. Ran a brush through my hair… did my business in the bathroom and headed to the kitchen.

I looked out the kitchen window to the east to see if there was any semblance of light on the horizon… it was but a palate of shades of grays… Headed to the wood stove to add a couple of pieces of firewood and damp it back down… thankful the weather has shifted once again to warmer…. Rather than the sub zero bitter it had been.

Diesel (cane corso) is awake and following me around… Sara (bull mastiff) is still stretched out on the couch… I know she is awake… but she is waiting for me to tell her to get up and go outside to stretch her legs and do her business. The three of us walked up the ramp to the landing to the front door and outside we all went. I turned on the porch light to get a better view of the thermometer… nearly 30 degrees F. and no wind. Wonderful!

I looked again of to the east and could see a rosy glow coming up over the ridge to the southeast… the sun is coming… The fiery pink hues spread across the clouds to the east in celebration of the day…. Dancing across the sky, giving a gift of beauty to any that would stop… take a moment and receive its glory.

The small birds in the evergreen tree in front of the house, are flittering their wings and greeting the day. It is so quiet outside that I can hear their wing movements above my head. I cannot see them in the shadows of the tree branches… but I can hear them… awakening and giving thanks for the day.

I had made a cup of coffee while I was in the house... and had taken it ouside with me. I took a sip of coffee then set it on the old barbeque grill sitting beside the porch… stepped away to stare in awe at the beauty spreading across the eastern sky. Color so intense that it denies capture by camera.

I thought of David… honey look at that… so beautiful… I felt his presence with me… as I wondered what amazing sights he was now able to see…

I gave thanks for the day… letting the peace fill me … flow through me… as above so below… accepting the gift of this new day in this life.

As I was watching the colors spread and shift across the sky I heard this thought in my mind… life in this realm is a fleeting as that sunrise… filled with the shifting colors and hues throughout… it is up to you whether you accept its beauty or hide in fear in the darkness… blinding yourself to all that there is…

You are not alone… I am with you always…

As I stood there in the quiet… I felt the love of those that had passed through the veil before me… without the confusions and pain of this realm… I felt the life surrounding me running through me… of this realm and onwards… all connected… the closest I can come to in description is as a huge web… interconnected… not trapped as in a spider web… but free to move about yet connected to one another… across the realms… across the veils… I do not have the words to adequately express…

There is a phrase that continues to echo through my mind… through my very being…

Wake up and know… You are not alone….

Is this just for me… No it is not…

Wake up and know… You are not alone…

May you walk in peace...
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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The Greatest Gift...

What a gift this has been....

Good Morning … A study in grays is spreading across the eastern horizon… singing out in the still cold of the morning… the sun is coming… the sun is coming. The fire is dancing and caressing the wood in the stove… keeping the 0 degrees F temperatures at bay. Casting it’s dancing orange light across the floor in the morning dark…

Toasted whole grain bagel with cream cheese and coffee for breakfast… unfortunately had a coughing gagging choking … what to call it… episode… there that fits it… an episode of choking on skuck … I took some generic musinex sinus to thin it down and reduce the nasal swelling. Would be nice to be rid of that mess… but getting it up out of my lungs is exhausting… and frankly a bit scary. I really hate choking. When I get upset it is always worse… and for some odd reason I’ve been upset quite a lot lately. Mornings are the hardest. I miss my David the worst in the mornings… I used to go in and check on him and just stand and watch him sleep. I loved to watch him sleep… whether it was in the bed or in his recliner. I would hold my breath and listen to him breathe.

My aloof black and white house cat, Mow Mow Tat, has been coming up to me and standing on her hind feet and hugging me with her paws… purring and cuddling up to me as I set at the desk. This is a new development since David’s physical passing. All of us miss him… human, animal, and bird as well… Blue Boy, cockatiel, does his little David dance and talks to him… makes me wonder… how is it that they can see him and we … as in humans can not… of course there is another thought on the heals of that one… what if he is just doing his dance trying to call him… I don’t think so though… I’ve heard these birds mourn before. When Pete’s mate… Prissy died he screamed and cried for days… weeks… I thought he was going to die as well… that was when we brought Blue boy home… Blue boy was getting beat up at my mom’s place. The birds he was in with were attacking him… Well Pete and Blue argued too… but it shifted Pete’s focus from mourning to being pissed at the newcomer in his home.

They still fuss at each other like 2 little feathered grumpy old men… but they are friends now as well. They hang out on the side of their cage and watch television.

My lungs hurt this morning… I suppose that coughing fit could have been prompted by breathing the cold air yesterday. I do not have a cold or flu… and frankly at this point I am not sure just how these lungs would handle one. More likely it was prompted by me being upset. It seems when the emotion sidecars me so does the coughing.

I am going to make a list with descriptions of the animals and the kennel runs they are in… so if I do have a coughing episode and can not clear my air passage at least someone will be able to know the names of the dogs. The dogs will have a rough time of it if I cross over as well.

Many of them are aged already… such loving souls. Honest loving souls… they are who they are… not subterfuge no twisted games like people play. I was so blessed to have a relationship with a man… my Husband… My David… that did not play psyche games with me. He was so straightforward with me… no trying to figure out what motives were there… such a relief… no here it is… let me take it away … oh no here it is… oops leverage… plain and simple… he loved me… he still loves me… and I love him… always will.

Well I think that’s my ramble for this morning… lungs are still aching but I’m not coughing… need to wash the dog bedding today… they want out… but I am going to try and hold off until it is at least a bit above zero… I’m thinking I am going to have some messes to clean up. That’s me… senior pooper scooper… on dog doodie duty…

May you walk in peace…

The Greatest Thing...

Today I hit a new lowest weight… down to 283.8 lbs. I haven’t been this light in weight in years. It’s funny you know… the difference between how I think of this now and how I was celebrating weight losses before David crossed over.

I would have barely been able to contain myself… wiggling and dancing around the room. Impatiently waiting until David woke up to tell him. He would have smiled and hugged me and told me great job… I am happy for you… Then he would have grinned and rubbed my belly and said… I love your belly… you are beautiful….and the wonderful thing is that he actually meant it.

I realized something this morning. This is not so easy for me to admit … even to myself.

I have lived most of my life in fear. The times as a child I remember not being afraid… when mom and I were lying in bed looking at the strange patterns on the bedroom ceiling… picking out different characters or scenes we saw. Then I was not afraid… I was safe and warm and secure in my mom’s love. Mom and Dad were already living in different places. When I was riding Princess (horse)… her hooves flying over the ground… clinging to her back … riding bareback hanging on to her main… feeling the glory of her muscles flowing smoothly under me… it was as if we were one being flying over the ground together. Riding on the back of Unk’s motorcycle (my Uncle Gene, mom’s brother) when I was very little… the wind whipping around us I was small enough that my feet did not reach the foot pegs.

Ok… gotta stop for a while… started thinking of when and where that fear started… who knows it’s insidious…

I remember Grandma and I were together and she fell down. Mom and told me to take care of Grandma… and I let her fall. I hurt my Grandma. Grandma’s body had the same genetic disease… malfunction… whatever you want to call it… in her legs that mom and I both do. They swelled… massive veins… running ulcers… you couldn’t count on them to support you … I realize logically now that I could not have prevented her fall… but my heart still hurts that my Grandma fell and I could not stop it. Mom had, had to go somewhere for something and I was with Grandma. I brought Grandma pillows so she could get back up with her crutches. I was a very little girl…

Sara (bullmastiff) just walked into my office and hugged me with her massive head and neck. She is panting… nervous and concerned because I was crying. She would take all the pain and worry away if she could. Her hugs help… but she can not take it away any more than I could prevent my Grandma from falling.

Each of us has to walk our own path… and sometimes the trail is brutal.

When Grandma’s body died, October 1969, my world as I knew it ended. Grandma was my safe place, kind of like David has been. I think she was Mom’s safe place too; and Unk’s as well. When ever a bad storm would come up we would head down the hill to Grandma’s house. She would bake these huge sourcream cookies and I would get ingredients for her and sit in the door watching the rain and playing with granddaddy long legs. I didn’t hurt them… just let them run across my hands when I saw them… their legs having such a light feathery touch. Mom took me to the funeral with her… and I kissed grandma’s body’s forehead. She wasn’t there… just a cold rubbery body was there… with her hair fixed all strange and make up on her. Grandma wore her long silky silver hair in a bun… and never wore make up. She had blue eyes…. And was around 6 ft tall. I am named after her. Her name in this life was Etta Mae… My middle name is Etta.

She had this long grey fuzzy soft coat… like fur but not… after she passed I used to sleep with it… curled around it hanging on… I saw her once in a dream… she was walking down this road trying to come back to us. We moved from our house into Grandma’s house after she passed. It had propane heat and we heated solely with wood….or whatever else we could find to burn.

Mom was there, but she wasn’t the same anymore… Uncle Gene was there… but he was not the same either. It’s like the lights had gone out in their eyes. What had been warm and safe… was cold dark, filled with pain, nothingness, and anger… I was afraid … and cold and dark inside too… I was nine years old. I remember my 5th grade teacher talking to me… Mrs. Borden. But I can’t remember what she was saying… I just see her face in my mind’s eye.

The night Grandma died… she had, had gallbladder surgery. And from what I understand they fed her bean soup… and she bloated and burst her stitches and bled out. Did they actually feed her bean soup… I don’t know… that’s what I remember. I remember I wanted to go home from the hospital and sleep in our own home with mom….and mom gave in and took me home rather than staying with Grandma. I loved that little house… and my room… it had windows all around… you could lie there in bed and look at the stars... and moon. We had one phone in the house… it was on the wall. We went rushing back to the hospital… I know we rushed because grandma’s body was still in the bed… and there was a pool of blood under it. Deep red and shiny… I blamed myself for Grandma dying…. I felt that I had killed my grandma. I never spoke to mom about this until recently. Yes I know it’s illogical… especially after the way David crossed. I could not stop that either.



The dogs, cats, and birds in the house are upset… because I am upset. Willie (blue parti pom) is nervous and whining… he has this high pitched whine that can get through whatever grief fog I may be submerged in…the sound piercing my ears into my consciousness…


 


Grandma knew her time was coming. I remember earlier that summer she had told me she did not have much time left. She was trying to prepare me for her crossing… I could not allow myself to see what she was saying. I look and see signs now regarding David’s crossing… 43 years later and I did the same thing that 9 year old girl did… I went into total denial… unable to bear the thought.

When Mom crossed in September… September 6th 2012. I was sad but not surprised. She had told me about a dream she had about this being coming to get her. I knew her time was near. I celebrated her freedom from pain… freedom from that wheelchair… from all the emotional angst … I felt her joy after her crossing. I loved my mom… I still do… I always will. We lost each other for so long… Lost my Uncle while we were all in this life too… so much emotional pain. Now they are both free. I celebrate their freedom. I celebrate Grandma’s freedom too! David is free of needles; he knows … not belief… but knows what waits on the other side… I feel his peace.

When David looked at me … he saw me. He loved me. Not some pseudo representation of me I was hiding behind… and I saw him. He was … and is so beautiful…

Yes both of us carried darkness within us… pain fear anger… David no longer does. He is free.

I think this is all for now…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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life is an illusion... a gift... a nightmare...

And my Husband too... I can just see him romping with our Mini Tatanka...

the following is my past 2 days... some is rather dark...

Nothing seems real…. Not the bills I just paid… nor the sun shining outside… nor the wind sweeping across the ranges. It’s like I’m caught up in this virtual landscape… caught in time… like a dragon fly of old encased in amber… frozen… the only constant is the gray to black cloud of emotion and pain…

The birds are feasting at the bird feeder David put up for me east of the kitchen window… beautiful little creatures. I used to treasure the times of silence in this place when David would be sleeping… or off with his friends doing a boys day out. Now the silence is deafening in it’s intensity… and the sound of the wind blowing through the trees and around the building seems cold and foreboding.

They talked about the world ending in December 2012 according to that mayan calendar. My world as I knew it did end in December 2012. What I cherished most in this life was taken away in a blink of an eye. I do not understand why the happiness we shared… the desire to grow old together and die together was too much. Actually a huge part of me did die with David. I am not who I was… I am but a hollow shell stumbling through the motions of life because the 40 to 60 souls on this place are depending on me to feed and water them.

I see the love in their eyes… the concern in the mastiff’s eyes… as they seek contact and try to draw me back to them out of the dark void I have been sinking into. The flicker of fear when their touch or efforts reach only an empty cold place… I’ve been here before… I know where this leads… I am so tired of this ride that slipping into even a cold oblivion would seem a relief.

When mom passed over to the other side in September 2012… I was actually happy for her. She was free of the constraints of a wheel chair… free of the unending pain of the body she was trapped in. I felt it all fall away from her and rejoiced in her freedom. Now that David has crossed over as well… I am reeling from the absence of them both.

I am hurt and I am angry… what is the point keeps running through my mind. Yesterday morning I watched Beyond the Gates on television. It’s a story about civil war in Rwanda and how people turned on each other with machetes. As well as the excuses made by the UN for not getting involved refusing to call what was happening genocide. At the end of the movie there was a scene involving a teacher that had survived the conflict… and a young woman that a priest sacrificed himself to help… She said so many had lost their lives… had their time cut short… that we should value the moments we have. Value the time we have been given. I probably do not have the dialogue quite right… but this is as I remember it.

Value the time we have been given. Hmmmm… this struck a chord with me… helped me to get through the day yesterday. Because frankly I would have preferred to have died with David rather than to have been left behind floundering through a morass of pain and grief. Why give such a great love only to rip it away mid life… makes no sense to me.

The trip to town for supplies was challenging to say the least. I did get some rescue remedy… that stuff works… at least it did for me. Total friggen meltdown in the produce isle in Walmart. Bananas! Friggen Bananas! I always bought bananas for David. The juice isle… I was always scouring labels trying to find some variety that he could drink that did not have a semi load of sugar added to it. I did not go near the meats… my husband loved grilled steaks and hamburgers. Panic attack after panic attack hit… massive grief shaking crying… total melt down… It took 4 of the gummy chews that rescue remedy has for me to actually get through picking up supplies. Perhaps down the road I can see a steak and smile and remember how much he loved a good grilled steak… rather than feeling like a serrated dagger was being plunged into my heart.


Martha and Linda (aunt with parkinsons and cousin) were able to get their supplies for the month. Their pick up truck is not working reliably so I took them to town… while I was there I got dog feed for the month as well as a few groceries for me. It was good to spend time with them. Auntie is still missing her husband… he crossed over 20 years ago. Those that get to grow old together or die together have no idea how lucky they are.

I was exhausted by the time I got home… but I did it. Then I made the mistake of answering the phone. The calls were innocent enough. One was a person I’ve known for over 40 years wanting to buy a couple of little trailers that are on the home place… the place where I was raised, mom’s home. The other was a close friend of mom’s that did not know David had crossed over in December. She called to wish us Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Then got all worried about me living out here by my self…. Telling me that I can’t unload that feed truck the way my body is… Saying I needed to sell this place and build a house on mom’s property… I realize she meant well… but after we hung up I completely lost it. Panic attacks, depression, searing grief and loss… screaming for my mama and for my husband… crumpled into a pile and stayed there… beaten to a bloody pulp by emotional pain.

Earlier in the year I gave my word to David that we would keep those dogs until they aged out. I am going to do the best I can to honor that promise. If I check out in the process, so be it. That just means my time here is finally finished…

I am still in here amidst all the chaos and pain… it is going to take some time… considerably more than 2 weeks… for me to heal and stabilize… what is my purpose in this life now… frankly over all I do not know at this time… it is probably shining out there but as of yet I am unable to allow myself to see it. What I do know is that I need to write this journey… is this writing just for me… I don’t really know… but I think not.

Ok… it is 12:44 p.m. and I am going to go out and start unloading that truck. May not get it all done today… but part of it anyway… one step at a time… there is over a half ton of feed on there… needs to be in storage before the next snow storm comes in…. today is Wednesday storm is due in on Friday… could do without the wind blowing… but it is what it is…

May you walk in peace…


Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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Another day In this life after my husband passed

picture is the view to the southeast from my front yard this morning

Major coughing fit this morning. Sad this morning…. Said grace as I was going to eat breakfast and started crying again. David always said grace….and he used to reach out to take my hand. Chest hurts this morning… I am sitting at the table and I can hear the big dogs snoring. Trying to eat my breakfast… kinda slow going… having a half a cup of old fashioned oatmeal with walnuts, apple pie spice, apples, raisins, and ground flax seed… and a cup of coffee.

The sun is not up yet… totally dark on the eastern horizon. Wow! According to weather.com it is 30 degrees F outside. That is so much easier on the animals… me too for that matter. Although this morning I am having a rather hard time finding much joy in anything.

I cooked enough oatmeal to last probably a week… I’ll just microwave servings as I go along. I figured I would be more apt to eat something nutritious if it was fixed and in the frig…. ½ cup at a time. I know it’s fine I’ve fixed it like this innumerable times for the 2 of us…. This morning I managed to eat ½ cup pushing down my gag reflex with each bite.

I took some saint johns wort… it should help me even out a bit. I promised to take my cousin and her mom into town to get supplies for the month. Their vehicle is not reliable and my truck is working fine. Just the thought of going into that store is enough to make my chest tighten. I am going to take some more saint johns wort before I leave… keeping the dosages low and spreading them out. I need to pick up a load of feed for the dogs as well. The animals need to be taken care of whether I feel like crawling in a hole or not.

The eastern sky is starting to lighten… streaks of gray are spreading across it… Time to greet the day… give thanks for another day of life… yes that is a conscious choice… give praise for the granting of another day…

David and I… or rather David had agreed to start Tai Cheng with me… ok… so here goes… I am starting Tai Cheng today. It’s amazing just how difficult it can be to tear a little plastic wrapper off a set of dvds. Not because the plastic was so tough… but because we were to do this together. Perhaps we still can… one in physical… one in spirit.

If I am to continue in this life in this body… then doing what can be done to heal and strengthen this body needs to be done… so here goes… Tai Cheng.

A bit later: Well… I DID IT! I did day one of Tai Cheng. Need to make a video of the initial testing… do not know how to do that… so here comes another learning experience. Need to take beginning of 90 day series photos as well and measurements. David used to take those pics for me. You know there was nothing in our lives that was not integrated with one another or interrelated. Makes this adjustment extremely difficult… but also is a huge part of what made our marriage work. We were truly partners in every sense of the word. There was a constant give and take between us. Frankly I never realized how much until now.

Clean dirt in for the kitties… that was interesting… I am out of kitty litter so I tried to dig up some soil… managed to scrape up some… that ground is certainly frozen…

Off to take Auntie and Cuz into town.

Emotions swinging like a pendulum… but I am up and moving…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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Started writing at dawn…

The weather.com is saying it is 4 degrees F… my yard thermometer says it’s 10 degrees F… the eastern glow is climbing up the horizon…the sun has not yet crested the ridge to the southeast. The moon is still up shining in her glory.  I stepped outside with the dogs … appreciated the beauty of the dawn … and gave thanks for the day.  A moment’s peace.

Then it hit me… like a pro MMA fighter’s roundhouse kick to the diaphragm. Sadness… missing his physical presence.  When David was up we would greet the mornings together… just step outside and look across the distance … the ranches, farms, rolling hills, ridges… and appreciate the beauty… enjoying the moment together standing on our little spot in the world.

My heart of hearts and very soul … screaming why…. Well there are all the physical reasons for his body to fail… and you know I’ve picked each and every one of them apart like a hoard of south Americian army ants… devouring each and every bit of information… looking around for any morsel that may have been missed. Conclusion: body ravaged by diabetes complicated by the very drugs that were supposed to be helping him. There had been a very negative reaction to statin/cholesterol drugs resulting in massive muscle breakdown.  Blood pressure drugs that actually drove his blood sugars up. Aaarrrgggghhh…. It took me way too long to catch either one of these issues because I foolishly relied on the doctors rather than researching everything they prescribed to him initially. I feel like I failed him in that regard. I still have mountains of reading and research piled up to get through… I used to get really frustrated with him as I was wading through yet another study… or book… or webpage researching reading other people’s studies and opinions… head swimming as I was cramming yet more vocabulary and information into it’s database… and David was sitting in the living room with his feet up watching some military or gun show or  John Wayne or Clint Eastwood … anything…

I’d go into the living room and pounce on him… get up and move… or will you read some of this… he’d look at me and say “I love you… will you go get me another cup of coffee”  If I’d handed him a book or article… he would look to see if it was gun related and if not… pile it on the side table… unread.   Then he’d say sit and watch with me… part of the time I did…  now I am thankful that I did stop and watch with him…

We had completely changed the way we were eating… over the years I’d changed our food consumption to predominately healthy real foods across the boards. We had finally gotten him away from the drugs that were doing damage to his body… and his sugars were stabilizing … his blood pressure was as good or a bit better than when he was on the blood pressure drugs that were driving his sugars up.  The pain in his hip and knee was receding… the swelling in his face and hands lessening. His color was improving… much better than what he has in the pictures. His body was actually getting healthier. He was starting to have that old spring in his step… with enough energy to call his brother in law on his birthday and visiting on the phone with his son… planning to garden next spring and have one of his grandsons come to visit for a while.

He was happy and he was feeling better… we had a Christmas tree for the first time in 9 years.  He loved to just sit and look at it… watching the kittens in their kitty condo playing next to it.  He watched them by the hour… Curley, Larry, and Mo. David named them. We watched train tour dvds… I’d bought them for him for Christmas… but as usual had given them to him as soon as they came in the mail….so we watched them early. When I bought him a gift… Christmas, Birthday, Anniversary… I was never any good at keeping it back and not telling him what it was.  I always just gave it to him.  It was such a pleasure to watch him dig into it… his eyes all sparkling with joy.   Didn’t matter what it was… he would love it… because it was a gift… because he had been thought of.

He was my rock… my joy… my torment… my best friend… my soul mate… my husband…  he still is.  The body he resided in expired. No more needles… no more drugs… no more physical pain. He made  his choices in this life and he lived and died by them.  I know he was not planning to leave when he did.  But that is something that is not in his nor my control.  I tried to revive that body and to pull him back into it… it was a go no go situation… just as if a switch had flipped and that body was shut down.  Like you’d unzip a pair of insulated coveralls step out of them and drop them on the floor.  Their form is still there, they are still warm inside, but they are empty… crumpled in a pile on the floor. 

Grief/bereavement counselors were here yesterday. A husband and wife team. It was a good thing.

Yesterday was the first day I have not had massive panic attacks.

I actually took a bath...and am venturing out to a church service. They invited me yesterday... I am choosing to take a step out the door.

The fire in the wood stove is banked... I've had a cup of coffee. I am dressed... in bibs of course as that is what fits me ... this morning has been the full gamut of giving thanks for the day... an active choice... crying because often we would greet the day or night together... missing my husband ... knowing that he is ok...

I wonder … what glories he is able to see now…

May you walk in peace….

Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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