2012 it amazes me that it is actually year 2012. I remember being terrified of year 2000 when I was a child. I remember thinking... that's the year I turn 40, and for some reason it seemed absolutely horrific. Well 2000 has come and gone, along with all the doomsday sayers for that year, and I am still here.
Of course we have a whole new spate of end of world fear mongers, and fear marketers, focused in on 2012. What do I think about all that? I think I will live until it is no longer my time to be in this life then I will no longer be here, and that is as it should be. I believe the fear mongers are seeking power by terrifying people, and the fear marketers, are using fear to make money. Frankly I believe both actions are disgraceful.
I did not make a list of resolutions for 2012. I set one solid goal. My goal for 2012 is to lose 100 pounds over the course of the year. Perhaps I should rephrase. My goal for 2012 is to be 100 pounds lighter by December 31st, 2012; and to achieve this change in a healthy manner.
I am not trying to lose huge amounts of weight per week, I am not weighing every day, nor am I obsessing over this goal. This time around I know it is achievable.
It would be great to have support in this journey, but with support or without it, I am making the changes to make achieving this goal a reality.
I am not seeking my family's approval of this goal. It would be great to have it, but if they resist my lifestyle changes, then that is up to them. I am continuing on. Yes resistance has already started. In the past I have allowed it to derail my goals and fallen back into old familiar "safe" routines.
Change tends to scare people. It seems to scare the people closest to you the most. I am sorry for their fear and uncertainty; but that is something they are going to have to deal with themselves. I choose to not live this fat unhealthy miserable lifestyle any longer. This is my choice. I am sorry if it scares you but I am continuing on with my quest.
I am hoping that the changes I am making in my lifestyle will encourage my family to make healthy changes as well. I am rather of worried about my husband, but he has to make his own decisions, I can not do it for him. That's been a really tough lesson for me to learn. I have always been one for trying "to fix" everything for those I care about. Taking responsibility for making everything "ok" for everyone. By the way, that does not work. Each of us is responsible for ourselves, it would be great if we could make it "ok" for others but it just does not work that way. What it does do is turn relationships into codependent enabler relationships, and frankly that is not healthy for anyone.
2011 was a year of healing, recuperation, and discovery, for me. My activity level was extremely limited after surgery in January 2011. I have not been that helpless and needy since I was a small child. The surgeon was right, it has taken the full year to recover, and heal my body.
The reduced activity level resulted in loss of muscle mass, I was amazed at how much. However, I am rebuilding in a steady, paced manner.
The major discovery was emotional, psychological, in nature. I discovered what was behind my compulsive binging behavior. As a result the compulsion to binge is gone. That is so wonderful! On the other hand, now I am experiencing on a daily basis, the emotions I was eating, so to speak. Allowing myself to actually experience these emotions has been a challenging process.
There was a phenomenal amount of anger, pain, feelings of betrayal, grief, rage, depression, and so on buried in layers of fat. I was eating my emotions, numbing myself to them. Only to have the dam burst periodically resulting in a massive flood of overwhelming emotions. It is actually quite wonderful to be out of that cycle.
All in all it is a good change. I am no longer binging, nor am I living in the past or the future. I am actually living now, in the moment. Life can be pretty wonderful lived in the moment.
The Serenity Prayer has become a Huge part of my life. It has been instrumental in helping me to get past massive panic attacks, and to accept the reality that I can not control everything. Also that I am not "responsible for" nor "required to control" everything.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
It is ok to just be me. I do not have to be who anyone else expects me to be, or demands me to be... It is ok to enjoy the moment... to appreciate the moment... to just live. By the way, it's ok for you to just be you as well. :)
Living life in 2012, one moment at a time.
Life is a journey, enjoy the trip.
Mary E. Robbins
307-788-0202
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