Thursday, January 31, 2013





Rough day the day before yesterday… horrid coughing until gagging and choking… lungs hurt all day…good visit with grief counselor from hospice. Crashed again later in the evening. Raunchy night until I curled up with Diesel and went to sleep, slept with Sara and Diesel last night at well. Sara( bull mastiff) got hot and went out to the couch… Diesel (cane corso) curled up and stayed with me…. Sara does love that couch…

Yesterday was a bit more stable. Still waves of grief… but with moments of joy at good memories and being thankful for the time we had physically together. At this point howling waves of grief seems to be the new norm. Good thing I live a distance from my nearest neighbor… if I was in an apartment complex the police would be beating on the door because some neighbor thought someone was getting killed. As it is the kennel joins in … in the howl… They miss him too…

Ok it’s real… I still do not want it to be… but it is. My Poot (nickname for hubs) has crossed over and I am still here… looks like I have something left to do. For one thing these animals need their guardian caretaker.

I’ve been angry … angry at … well angry at the pointlessness of all the work we did trying to prolong David’s life and to make his body healthier… royally pissed at myself for not just saying whatever and letting him have his chewing tobacco and apple fritters. I’ve had a huge “what’s the point” going on.

Then for some reason I was drawn to read … or at least look at the ages on the obituary pages. The ages are all over the place… from the very young… as in not yet born crossing over from the womb… to the very aged…. Interspersed all over in between.

My Uncle Clarence and I used to have this conversation. Years ago before dementia took his mind and memories… he has since crossed over. I remember the last time I saw him alive. He was looking at me un-sure of who I was… with that look I should know you… but who are you… are you friend or enemy. May he have peace on the other side… leaving behind all that was torturous.

Back to topic. Uncle Clarence was in World War II. We talked about it a number of times, and he until the day he passed did his best to stay away from explosives, and fireworks because they triggered him back into the battlegrounds. We talked about the people that lived through the fighting… and those that died. Some walked right out into it and were never wounded… then there were those that fought and tried to keep cover, that were slaughtered no matter how cautious they were. We talked about this and mulled it over at length multiple times… both of us came to the conclusion, at the time, that we must have an exit date... set even before we enter this life…. So to speak.

It would seem that we have a certain number of days… moments… time fragments in this life… then we are done. Frankly I do not believe we can add a moment to the length of our lives. I do however believe we can affect the quality of our lives while we are in this life.

Is this line of thought accurate… I don’t know… I won’t know until I cross over myself… even then I may not know. Frankly it’s the only way I can make any sense of life and death in this realm. As to the why of it, I don’t know that either. As I do not have access to that material… it seems it is classified beyond my clearance level.

I will say this though; David’s stats were better than they had been in years. (A1c, cholesterol numbers etc.) His color was good, his energy levels were picking up, joint pain receding. His body was becoming healthier. He was happy and at peace with life. Then …. Like a switch was flipped… gone. That body shut down … just like a breaker was thrown. He was (still is) a good man and he died a good death.

I am still here. Like so many other wives/husbands/soul-mates who’s partners go on ahead. It seems I still have some life to live. Irrevocably altered from what was… a new adventure… unsought… but there just the same…

I screamed … I yelled.. I hollered… bartered… raged… and yet I could not undo what had been done. It is as it is…. David has crossed over and I am still here… and do not have the release to cross over. Although as erratic as my heart has been and the pain in my lungs makes me wonder how long. One moment at a time… until it’s not.

Today I choose to greet the day… I am thinking I am going to put a pot of coffee on. David loved brewed coffee… he also loved having me make it for him…

David is in my heart… and with me always… and I wait the time until I too can rest… as this guardian is weary…and much in this body is broken and worn… not time yet… more to do… one moment at a time… live your life… now….

Appreciate the moments...


May you walk in peace
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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