the following is my past 2 days... some is rather dark...
Nothing seems real…. Not the bills I just paid… nor the sun shining outside… nor the wind sweeping across the ranges. It’s like I’m caught up in this virtual landscape… caught in time… like a dragon fly of old encased in amber… frozen… the only constant is the gray to black cloud of emotion and pain…
The birds are feasting at the bird feeder David put up for me east of the kitchen window… beautiful little creatures. I used to treasure the times of silence in this place when David would be sleeping… or off with his friends doing a boys day out. Now the silence is deafening in it’s intensity… and the sound of the wind blowing through the trees and around the building seems cold and foreboding.
They talked about the world ending in December 2012 according to that mayan calendar. My world as I knew it did end in December 2012. What I cherished most in this life was taken away in a blink of an eye. I do not understand why the happiness we shared… the desire to grow old together and die together was too much. Actually a huge part of me did die with David. I am not who I was… I am but a hollow shell stumbling through the motions of life because the 40 to 60 souls on this place are depending on me to feed and water them.
I see the love in their eyes… the concern in the mastiff’s eyes… as they seek contact and try to draw me back to them out of the dark void I have been sinking into. The flicker of fear when their touch or efforts reach only an empty cold place… I’ve been here before… I know where this leads… I am so tired of this ride that slipping into even a cold oblivion would seem a relief.
When mom passed over to the other side in September 2012… I was actually happy for her. She was free of the constraints of a wheel chair… free of the unending pain of the body she was trapped in. I felt it all fall away from her and rejoiced in her freedom. Now that David has crossed over as well… I am reeling from the absence of them both.
I am hurt and I am angry… what is the point keeps running through my mind. Yesterday morning I watched Beyond the Gates on television. It’s a story about civil war in Rwanda and how people turned on each other with machetes. As well as the excuses made by the UN for not getting involved refusing to call what was happening genocide. At the end of the movie there was a scene involving a teacher that had survived the conflict… and a young woman that a priest sacrificed himself to help… She said so many had lost their lives… had their time cut short… that we should value the moments we have. Value the time we have been given. I probably do not have the dialogue quite right… but this is as I remember it.
Value the time we have been given. Hmmmm… this struck a chord with me… helped me to get through the day yesterday. Because frankly I would have preferred to have died with David rather than to have been left behind floundering through a morass of pain and grief. Why give such a great love only to rip it away mid life… makes no sense to me.
The trip to town for supplies was challenging to say the least. I did get some rescue remedy… that stuff works… at least it did for me. Total friggen meltdown in the produce isle in Walmart. Bananas! Friggen Bananas! I always bought bananas for David. The juice isle… I was always scouring labels trying to find some variety that he could drink that did not have a semi load of sugar added to it. I did not go near the meats… my husband loved grilled steaks and hamburgers. Panic attack after panic attack hit… massive grief shaking crying… total melt down… It took 4 of the gummy chews that rescue remedy has for me to actually get through picking up supplies. Perhaps down the road I can see a steak and smile and remember how much he loved a good grilled steak… rather than feeling like a serrated dagger was being plunged into my heart.
Martha and Linda (aunt with parkinsons and cousin) were able to get their supplies for the month. Their pick up truck is not working reliably so I took them to town… while I was there I got dog feed for the month as well as a few groceries for me. It was good to spend time with them. Auntie is still missing her husband… he crossed over 20 years ago. Those that get to grow old together or die together have no idea how lucky they are.
I was exhausted by the time I got home… but I did it. Then I made the mistake of answering the phone. The calls were innocent enough. One was a person I’ve known for over 40 years wanting to buy a couple of little trailers that are on the home place… the place where I was raised, mom’s home. The other was a close friend of mom’s that did not know David had crossed over in December. She called to wish us Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Then got all worried about me living out here by my self…. Telling me that I can’t unload that feed truck the way my body is… Saying I needed to sell this place and build a house on mom’s property… I realize she meant well… but after we hung up I completely lost it. Panic attacks, depression, searing grief and loss… screaming for my mama and for my husband… crumpled into a pile and stayed there… beaten to a bloody pulp by emotional pain.
Earlier in the year I gave my word to David that we would keep those dogs until they aged out. I am going to do the best I can to honor that promise. If I check out in the process, so be it. That just means my time here is finally finished…
I am still in here amidst all the chaos and pain… it is going to take some time… considerably more than 2 weeks… for me to heal and stabilize… what is my purpose in this life now… frankly over all I do not know at this time… it is probably shining out there but as of yet I am unable to allow myself to see it. What I do know is that I need to write this journey… is this writing just for me… I don’t really know… but I think not.
Ok… it is 12:44 p.m. and I am going to go out and start unloading that truck. May not get it all done today… but part of it anyway… one step at a time… there is over a half ton of feed on there… needs to be in storage before the next snow storm comes in…. today is Wednesday storm is due in on Friday… could do without the wind blowing… but it is what it is…
May you walk in peace…
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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