Good Morning Peeps…
The birds are singing outside… and I am anxious to get out the door and get some work done outside… want to get my asparagus field mowed down so we can actually see the asparagus shoots as they come up… massive amount of tumble weeds stuck in the grass there… hoping this is a good idea… if not… then it will be a good bit of exercise… I have a walk behind dr brush mower and that field is between 1/3 and ½ half acre in size…
If we get some rain out of the storms that are supposed to be coming in tonight tomorrow and the next day… there should be asparagus shoots the next morning… or so…
The baby ducks and geese are doing great… gonna shift their living quarters around probably the day after tomorrow…
Hoping to get some more of the old plastic cleared out that is buried around my greenhouse… the wind ripped it off… the plan is to recover the greenhouse frame in a more solid material and grow year round… fish and plant produce…
I talked to the adult protective services case worker that went to my cousin & aunt’s place yesterday. I am hopeful my cousin will use this contact as a lifeline rather than retreating into self pity and anger… The case worker said at the end of the visit that she asked about programs… so hopefully she will give it a go… I know this is difficult for her… and she is … well probably is… certainly was yesterday… very pissed at me… hit me full on with the you are less than dirt attitude yesterday… not that … this particular attitude is anything new… she has dumped that all over me since I was a child… well this time I was wearing a raincoat so to speak. A very good friend was here when she started in on the speaker phone and she realized someone else was here and cut off her spew… not before he exposed herself however.
This may sound petty on my part… and perhaps it is… but I am really glad he was here… another person heard this crap… often before it was just dumped all over me in secret… then things go on as if nothing had happened… with the you do it for me attitude… while I am trying to cope with that… you are trash… garbage… less than rotted feces… message that was bouncing around in my heart and mind trying to take root… you hear it enough… it tends to take root… and it takes time and work to counter it… no not to her… for myself…
Well this time … yes the attitude was there… but there is no… well maybe I imagined that… or that could not have happened… or no she was not that nasty… boiling down into disbelief of what I’d actually experienced… because another person heard it as well… and I have not been over reacting or imagining her attitude.
I have compassion for them… my aunt is trapped in the situation with full on Parkinson’s… my cousin… well… she has issues… and I am hoping she will make use of this opportunity to get some help… but it is up to her… I am done being her pissing post. She is going to have to take responsibility for her own situation… or not … it is up to her… for my own well being I have to step back… this is a toxic relationship in the form it is currently in.
I am so thankful there are other eyes on the situation… I could not in good conscience step away without that… the case worker suggested that I continue to check in on them periodically… once a week… or maybe every couple of weeks… I had been checking on them daily… taking them groceries… etc… I did not say that for a… Oh you did so good… or oh you poor dear … response… that is not the point… what I thought was helping… or rather I was trying to help… and rather having it actually be a help… it turned into a vampire enabling mess… It is past time to step back… or perhaps it is simply time to step back… hand the situation off to other that are not so close to it… and give myself permission to live… grow… heal… and not take responsibility for another’s walk in this life… it is her path.. it is up to her if she just sits in the mud or gets up and walks… as it is with each of us…
When a hand is offered… reach out and take a hold of the hand… and make an effort… no matter how small… even if it is just opening your eyes… no matter how hard it is… just breathe…
On the flip side… sometimes it is necessary for your own journey to step away from those that choose to sit in the mud…even when you see the hillside sliding down towards them… I know that sounds harsh… well to me it sounds harsh… but if they refuse to breathe… you cannot breathe for them… it is not your fault… it is their choice… it is their journey…
May you walk in peace…
Mary E. Robbins
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