Yesterday Was the Pits!

Yesterday was the pits. I went on overload and binged, and then binged some more.

I’m still pretty shaky emotionally today. Nasty dreams last night. I know it’s from all the stress. Stress generated from placing the dogs, and from the vile way my mother is acting.

Irrational and vile, that seems to be her mode of operation at this point. Of course it comes after she says what ever she thinks you want to hear. Until she is called to account.

I’ve seen her act this way before, usually with Gene. However when I look back this has been a pattern with me as well. From the time grandma died on. This pattern has repeated over and over again.

I am doing my best not to slip back into this cycle. Breaks my heart.
The whole bloody mess breaks my heart. It doesn’t have to be this way.

So what can I do about the way she chooses to live her life. Nada, nothing, she has free will, it is up to her whether she lives in her self made hell or not.

However it is my choice as to whether I allow her to pull me into it again or not.

I am so tired of this shit. My whole life it’s been one created crisis after another. Usually stemming from something my mother was trying to make happen. Either deliberately or subconsciously; you know after a while it doesn’t matter which it is.

I am so tired of her showing one face to others and another to me. I’ve seen glimpses of her over the years, but most of the time I see this face she shows me. I am not sure which is real.

Both mom and Linda lied to me about the septic job. There was absolutely no point in it. I wonder sometimes just what they think. Turn a simple straightforward job into a swirling dervish of shit. Frankly my attitude at this point it turning into F*** you Both!

Linda had Dave S. call me less than 15 minutes after mom and I hung up. That is After the last horrid conversation with my mother about dogs she can’t possibly take care of; topped off by a discussion about that septic tank mess. I told mom that if linda did not get in contact with me before the check cleared the bank when it did I was writing aunt marty a letter explaining that linda refused to work with me regarding her septic tank; making it impossible for me to do what Aunt marty had asked me to do; and that I was returning the money for the septic tank to her.

Was it coincidence that contact was made with linda directly afterwards. I seriously doubt it. Both mom and Linda say that linda had no knowledge about the crap that mom pulled a few days ago, trying to get me to give them the money rather than paying the contractors. Of course mom said, the morning when we talked, that Linda had asked her to ask me about it. So which of them are lying? There is a question for you. Petty bullshit. Both of them are lying, that would be my thought.

So much petty bullshit and un-necessary drama. Totally pointless. Why not just get the job done.

Frankly I’ve had enough nonsense to last me a lifetime, several lifetimes in fact.

Enough of being frozen in place by conflict. I need to get the cedarcide sprayed today. So here I go. Need to get an order into revival animal for kennel supplies this afternoon as well. Not to mention mountains of paperwork that has piled up over the past few years. It will be so wonderful to have all that caught up and filed.

So enough of beating myself up because my mother is hating on me for doing what is necessary. Enough. Enough. Enough. Enough.

Still breaks my heart.

Life is a journey… sometimes there are jagged edges on the trail. Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs