Click... BOOM...

Good morning peeps…

It’s been an “interesting” few days… geez louise … I could seriously do without this. It’s been tip toe through the tulips and flowers on a path I thought was cleared… safe to walk…and skip along… then click… BOOM… an anxiety land mine went off… take another step… click… BOOM … a grief land mine went off… click boom… chest pain… click boom… vision cloud in … click boom … heart racing… click boom…pain everywhere… click boom… click boom… click boom… click boom… aaaarrrrraaaagggghhhhhh!!!!!!!! Like a cartoon character being blown this way and that.

Coping mechanisms seemed to go out the window… and I hoovered everything in sight… snarf snarf snarf… hmmmm what else can I pork out on…. like that is going to help anything…. Well perhaps the large sized clothes manufactures… but that is all…

I actually had a day or two of being almost me…. Then yee haw … here we go again.

Ok another patch to work through… what’s the trigger… recognize it… cope with it… sounds simple enough… be grand if it actually was…

So… what has been happening… anxiety has been building over the past couple of weeks… with some severe spikes.

June is the month my Dad used to come and stay for a few weeks. He would be at his brother’s right now… and would be here mid June until sometime in July. I treasured those times… Pop and I did not get to know each other well until I was an adult…. Then we became very close. I am thankful for those times… sitting in my front yard having a cigar just sharing some time. Pancreatic cancer took him across a couple years ago…

David used to try to get vacation time in June so He and Pop could spend time together. Those two loved each other. I loved to sit and listen to them tell stories to each other… Such different men… but both very good men.

I loved them both… still do… and they loved me…just as I am… none of the conditional crap that so many pile on… it was such a gift…

We did not deliberately tear each other down… either directly or in the guise of a jest. People that do that are so exhausting. Some are very skilled at it… masking their words with kindness or a smiling face.. Oh that was only a joke… when in fact it had cruel intent behind it.

When we disagreed… and there were times we definitely disagreed… we agreed to disagree. There was no condemnation of the other because we did not think exactly like each other.

This past week has been a slog through a toxic marsh of unless you believe and live as I do you are evil and condemned. You are this … you are that… they are this they are that… they are evil… if you defend them you are evil… my way is the only way…

I wonder if they have any idea how hateful and judgmental they actually sound… not only sound but are being… I wonder if they have any idea just how toxic an atmosphere they are surrounding themselves with. It is truly exhausting being around them.

It also triggers back to my childhood. Do as I say or get whipped… be what I say or you are evil… and worthless. Oh you thought you were doing a good job… all you do is run your mouth… you should be seen and not heard… you are just like your Dad’s mom… and everyone called her old Satan… she was evil… you are just like her.

The only actual memory I have of my Grandma Sadie (my Dad’s Mom) was of her down on the floor… I think we were under a table… not sure… playing with a robot with flashing red eyes. I loved it… and I loved her… There was some kind of connection between us even across death. She died when I was very young… not so long after we played with that robot.

I don’t know if she did the things she was accused of or not… I just know that she loved me. She lived a lifestyle that was different than those accusing her…. Walked a different path.

I often wonder… if those that say their way is the only way to be… are so sure of their path… if they are indeed… why is it that those that walk a different path scare them so much. Is their fear blinding them so much that they can not see that their words and actions are dipped in a toxic bath of hatred laced with fear.

I wonder is it their intent to spread hatred and fear… or are they simply pawns babbling their mouths…

Pawns or not… there are times I would seriously like to silence their hateful mouths. Open your mind and learn or be silenced. But it is not my place to judge… nor to carry out judgments. Frankly it is a good thing that it is not my place…. Such a huge responsibility… requiring much more knowledge and perspective than I have.

I actually remember back to a time when I sounded much like those I was speaking of… much earlier in my walk… as I continued on … often times kicking and screaming at the changes and the pains of growth… my view… perspective changed… shifted… age seems to have little to do with it… minds open at different places in this walk of life… and sadly some never do…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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