Forgiveness Is About Taking Care of Your Heart...

I wrote this a few days ago... and decided to go ahead and post it. 

November 12th 2011: I woke up angry and sad this morning.

Brokenhearted mourning what was lost, which may have never have actually been.

Trying to sort out what was real, and what was just another manipulation, upon manipulation.

So much pointless pain, destruction, loss, agony, over the years. A lifetime of lies and created crises. To what end?

I wonder was there any joy in this person's life at all?

Becoming sadder, angrier, and more frustrated as I struggled with the myriad tangle of emotions and deceptions coming to the conclusion that it is actually impossible to sort.

I thought about confronting this person. Not screaming (when that is truly what I feel like doing) but trying to have a conversation regarding such behaviors. Craving to hear just once, responsibility taken for one's own behaviors.


I've tried before to no avail. Said person is either unwilling or unable to accept responsibility for the words spoken, manipulations promoted, nor actions undertaken. Always there are proclamations of innocence, with showers of blame to be passed around. Never ever an acceptance of self responsibility.

I've come to realize such confrontation is pointless, leading only to more denial, manipulation, and outright lies. It is almost impossible for me to be around this person without rage boiling up from the very center of my being. Rage and love swirling around each other in a storm of conflicting boiling emotions.

When I was a child I believed every word that was said by this person. Ironically, after all that has been said and done over the years my first impulse is still to do so. The impulse to to jump in and take up this person's cause, to defend to the end still runs strong in my very soul.

Sadly, I now know (knowledge is not always a blessing) to step back and evaluate the situations as they arise. To check facts and try to stay out of the created crises and ensuing dramas. Note the try.

I have been told to cut off all association with this person, but that is not acceptable to me. This person has been in my life and me hers since my inception, and birth into this life.

There has been some joy, although even that is overshadowed by grief at this point. I do not understand the way she is, I hope she has had some joy in this life.

Her body is aged and nearing the end of it's time of functioning in this life. May she have peace as she passes on to the other side.

I am not responsible for her thoughts, words, and/or choices. Nor am I responsible for the consequences she brings upon herself.

I am, however, responsible for my own thoughts, words, and choices.

I have not now, nor have I ever, abandoned this person. I have however, had to learn some hard lessons. One being which, I can not "fix" her life. It is impossible for me to make her happy. The responsibility for her life and choices rests with her. Only she is capable of allowing happiness into her life.

This being said, she is not responsible for the rage and grief boiling within me. Only I am.

So, how do I release this typhoon of rage and grief that is tearing at my soul?

Forgive her.

How do I do that?!

Forgiveness is not an emotion, a feeling. It is a choice, a decision.

Yeah, ok... so what do I do?

Just do it! Forgiveness frees your heart from the rage and grief you have been clutching to your heart so tightly.

You mean I don't have to say or write to her to forgive her.

No, you do not. Forgiveness is not actually for the other person. It is for you. To set you free. To allow you to heal.

Ok, here goes.

I forgive you. I forgive you for intentionally and/or unintentionally hurting me.


Does this make me a great person?
No It does not... It just makes me a free person.
My heart is free to heal.

Forgiveness is about Taking care of Your Heart...

May you have peace and joy within you.
M