I'm Free I'm Free I'm Free......

Well Just do a happy gator dance! I’m free…. Free free free free free free free.

A major weight just lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I just lost 250 lbs in an instant. This mess has been crushing me for as long as I can remember.

Gets pretty ingrained when it starts as a child. But I’m free… free… free… free… free… free… free… I learned today that my Mother is mentally competent. I am so glad. Doesn’t mean that I don’t care. But it does mean that she has the capability of making competent decisions and being responsible for herself.

I finally put my foot down. And said enough and had an evaluation done. Yes she is pissed. Tough. Sounds rude doesn’t it… tough tookis. I’ve been on the receiving end of some major manipulation and guilt giving for my entire life. Enough. I love her or I would have simply walked away years ago. As it is now I know she can live her life. It’s her choice how she does. I will no longer enable her manipulative self-destructive self-serving behavior.

Now both of us are free to be. Free to actually live our lives and enjoy them. I wish I could have done this 28 years ago… so much time lost tied up in emotional pain and anguish. Always carrying around the burden of another person’s refusal to take responsibility for their own lives. No point in crying over spilt milk. I don’t have a time machine. What I do have is now and the potential for the rest of my life. I’m free. Free. Free. Free. Free. Free. Free… you know all prisons don’t have walls. Some of the most restrictive have no visual walls at all.

I’ve done my part. Now what she does is up to her. I hope she does well and enjoys her life. The bottom line is: it’s her choice… not my responsibility.

Just a thought folks… when you enable someone in codependent behavior you are not helping them. You are enabling a self-destructive behavior. As harsh as that may sound. You are hurting yourself and them.

It amazes me… that compulsion to eat is gone, the heavy weight in my mind and heart is gone… the static in my mind is not there… wow… it’s actually quiet in there… I can’t remember the last time it’s been quiet in there. I have room for a good stretch and a yawn… without being braced for someone screaming emergency emergency emergency… did you do this did you do that…why haven’t you done this or that… why aren’t you a better daughter… nothing you do is ever enough… and on and on and on and on… all that clatter is gone… I might actually be able to get a good nights sleep. Perhaps wake up without a migraine. How nice would that be. Gives me a bit of a giddy giggle. Oh yes I know all hell will break lose. Or maybe not ... the last emergency cry didn't get the response she wanted... so maybe not. hmmmmm... wouldn't that just be the blue bird's tweet.

It sure was good to get the news. I'd been worried about it. I thought she was competent, but was worried that just maybe she wasn't. Now I know she is.

Time's a flying, glad I came in for a bit of a break and to do some dog laundry. I'm going to stick another load of dog blankets in the washer and head back out to the whelping house. Little cuties are getting microchipped today. I won't do that kind of work when I'm upset. I tend to make mistakes then and a mistake in vaccination or microchipping can be a fatal one. The little hairballs (Pomeranians) deserve better than that. They sure are beautiful little creatures. So full of life and glee...

Life is a journey… how you choose to travel on that journey is up to you… Mary E. Robbins & the Hairballs