Beginnings again...

August first 2011, just a date on a calender. Yet another date, a number on a piece of paper. So many times I've started some health and fitness goal only to crash and burn with depression and a monster binge.

I'm not sure how to explain or describe what is different this time around but something is. Perhaps it's the extreme stress over the past few years. Perhaps it's watching my husband shrink into a rocking recliner watching non stop tv after retirement.

He is only 60 yet he acts as if he is just done. I am only 51 and I do not want to live the rest of my life in a depressed limbo. I am far enough along now from the hernia surgery in January that I should be able to start rebuilding my abdominal muscles.

It seems like I've been angry ever since I came home from surgery in January. I'm not sure why.

I think I am more angry at myself than at anyone else. Angry for letting myself get sucked in over and over. I shortcircuited so badly that the panic attacks flared to the point of being indistinguishable from a heart attack or bad asthma attacks.

I could say that I am done allowing others to push my buttons, to draw me into whatever drama they are creating in their existences... but that would be bullsh*t. There is always going to be some created human drama going on. Whether its something with a friend or relative; or drama on a world or national level, like this debt ceiling nightmare. Unbelievable hubris on the part of our congress/senate.

From time to time I will more than likely get caught up in it. Until I realize what is happening yet again and walk away.

There is absolutely nothing I can do about the "drama" others create. Nada, zip, zilch, nothing. Does that mean I am giving up? No it doesn't, it means I am stopping the process of taking responsibility for the actions of others. Doesn't mean that I don't care. Just that you are responsible for your own drama. I am no longer available to carry that load, carry it yourself.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Life is a journey, the trip is more enjoyable when carrying less baggage.
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
www.robbinsrun.com