Epiphany!

(This post is related to the 30 day project from the Ed Severance Blog: Rewire the Damaged Hardware post)

30 Days to change the way I think: to rewire the damaged hardware.

Hmmmm. What would be the foremost, the optimum thing to change. To truly create the life I want to live. God has given me the ability to create the life I know I want to be living!

Ok, so what am I working on? The list seems insurmountable. Goes on and on adinfanitum. Bits of this and bits of that, list after list. Truth be told all of it fits under a couple of points. One word is the major player. So what is it? It is: F-E-A-R. That’s it fear. Such a small little word, only four small letters to have such a huge impact on so many people’s lives. Yes I know I’m not alone in this.

Ok, so the list of fears could go on and on. Big fears, little fears, erotic fears, infinitesimal fears, probably a few psychotic fears.

So what is the heading, or umbrella that all these fears are running around under? What is it?! It’s not fear of failure. Failure is a very safe place to hide. It’s not fear of fat. A fat suit is another safe place to hide. Fear of discovery. The fear that you may see who I really am.
Nah, I’ve pretty much put that out there. Amazingly enough I actually like myself. Fat a** and all.

Ok so what is it. What has been tripping me up for so many years. The self sabotage queen. Grrr. Truth be told it really pisses me off. You know what? I do know what it is. I actually do. Ok so what is it?! It’s Fear of success. Not fear of failure. Fear of Success.

Fear of reaching my goals and finding the reward to be an empty thing indeed. If you don’t open that bright shiny door, you can’t find out that there is nothing there.

Ok so now I know what it is. Now what do I do about it. What is success really? Ask 50 different people that question and you’ll get 50 different answers. So what does that say? It says that success is something different to each person.

Ok, so what is success to me? Stripped of all the pomp and circumstance, just the bare bones of it. What is success to me?

• Is it being a millionaire? Nope, although that can be a side effect. Note the can be, not always is.
• Is it losing 150 pounds? No
• Is it being married for nearly 20 years, and actually still loving your partner? Nope
• Is it owning multiple homes? Nope
• Is it completing a marathon? Nope
• Is it graduating from university? Nope

Ok, this list of questions could go on forever. So what is it and why have I been tripping over it.

First what is success to me: It is a mindset. A way of being, a way of living.

Ok, it’s true. This is a relatively new definition of success for me. Over the years my definition of success or a successful person has changed dramatically.

In the past my definition of success was wealth. As in monetary wealth. Over the years I have found that definition to be false. There are some extremely wealthy people that are not successful. Wealth can be a nice benefit of success, but it is not success. If it were it would be an empty thing indeed.

At one point I defined success as career achievement. Then I looked around at executives defrauding people, and their life’s work disappearing before their eyes. False housing booms, and manipulated stock markets. And I thought this is not success.

I looked at marathoners, gymnasts, football players, Olympians. Medal winners, and thought perhaps that was success. Only to observe the dissatisfaction in so many of their lives, and thought this is not success.

I’ve watched churches turn in on themselves and spew venom and hatred in the name of their God; and I thought this is not success either.

And I wondered is all naught? Do I even want to be successful? Not by those definitions I don’t. Seriously, what’s the point? Emptiness and self loathing ala carte. Thanks anyway I’ll pass. Been there done that. Over it.

It’s not fear of success per se. It’s fear that I’ll achieve financial, physical, religious, whatever success and find it to be an empty barren thing. The fear that I’ll become a cardboard cutout of who I actually am. Empty of life other than desolation and rage. Look around they are all over the place. Here and there you see the cardboard rip and they unload an Uzi on everyone around them. Wouldn’t have to be an Uzi, an emptied milk jug with a few common household chemicals would be just as effective if not more so. Enough said, I’m not going there.


Ok so how do I untie my hands, so to speak? How do I stop the self sabotage and allow myself to follow through on some projects I find interesting.

That is the question. So what is the answer? Thinking, pondering, fingers are twitching with the urge to write something.

The answer, you do realize that each person’s answer is individual. Yes? So what is my answer. Tapping on the mouse, waiting for words to come. Concept is there, now to get it into actual words.

Success is a mindset. A way of being, a way of living.

Yeah ok, so success is a mindset, a way of being a way of living. Big woop, what is the practical application of that?

Ok, here goes. Rather than letting your wealth, or lack thereof, work, athletic prowess, religious endeavors, life events, happenings, relationships, whatever you encounter in your journey through this life define who you are; what you are, whether you are a success or failure in this life, you define your life, rather than the events in your life defining you.

Clear as mud?

Be who you are.

I am that I am. I am at peace within myself, I appreciate the beauty of each day. I live now, fully in each moment that occurs. I accept and love myself as I am, therefore I am free to love others.

As such, I am a success, my life is successful.

I am no longer in bondage, I am free.

Life is a journey, enjoy the trip
.
Mary E. Robbins

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