monday...

Good Morning Peeps… Happy Monday… yes it was morning when I started writing this… still a bit of morning left here…

Have a good Monday... you're trading a day of your life for it. Go be awesome!

I saw the above line on a friend’s post this morning… thank you Kim Scott … I was starting the day out pretty down… sad missing my husband… looking out at the years that stretch ahead …that I had thought to spend with him ….thinking what is the point of this. Empty years stretching out ahead without my partner… the house was quiet… like It usually was in the mornings when we were both alive here… I used to go back into the bedroom all quiet… and just stand there and listen to him breathe… I loved to watch him sleep… of course I was checking on him to make sure his sugars had not dropped too low too… I miss being able to see his face… those hazel eyes… with love shining out of them… his hands… he was so deliberate with his hands… and just hugs… leaning into each other sharing love and our beings… blended… when I can let go of the pain of missing his physical presence… I can feel his spirit… surrounding me…

I read the other day… that the price of love is grief… I would have to agree with that statement… we had a great love… an unconditional love… and the grief and injury left as I am still in this realm and he in the next is beyond words… as I work my way through this … steps forward… falling down ravines… switchbacks… and blind alleys… there are days that I cannot see the light… as fear and pain overwhelm all of my senses leaving me swirling in agony… searing emotional pain that has become physical… and takes a physical toll on this body as well…

There are truly days I would like to claw my way out of this body… and move on… free of all the turmoil of this realm… I have felt that peace and I know that it is good… then I look and feel for the release to go… and it is not there… something left to do here… what… what… what… what… aaarrrgggghhhh….

Then I think of forcing the crossing… and the warning signals flash… and flash… and flash… and messages pop up everywhere… signs… words… music… trying to get through… it is not your time yet… trust… I am always with you… fear not I am always with you… let go… let go of the pain and grief… let go… let go of the fear …and allow yourself to live…

This life is a gift not a curse… look around… appreciate the beauty that is there… yes there is ugliness and pain and war and greed and cruelty… let it go… choose life… choose to appreciate the moments… live now… breathe… there is joy… let it in…

There is peace…. In the midst of it all … there is peace… let it in… for what is there to fear but fear itself…

The birds have nearly emptied the feeder again… larger ones… starlings I think… smaller ones… sparrows and finches… I saw a beautiful slate gray creature this morning… so lovely in it’s shades of gray… then bicolor ones hopping around on the snow… picking up seeds that have dropped… they truly amaze me… so small and surviving the cold…

Yes it is still cold… but the sun is shining… was 5 degrees F on my yard thermometer when I let the mastiffs out this morning… weather.com says it is 13 degrees F now… warming up to the mid 30’s this afternoon… warmer tomorrow…yay…

Dropped a bit more weight… down to 265.4 lbs today. This is kinda amazing me… it is just falling off… I am now 48.4 lbs down… Had breakfast… egg, sausage, spaghetti squash, coffee… took my vitamins… working on a cup of coffee and some tangy tangerine… trying to keep the fluid intake up… no I am not counting my coffee in the fluid intake… had a bit of raw honey this morning too… but then I do most mornings… about a teaspoon to tablespoon of raw honey a day… if I am really crashing in the evenings and just do not want to eat any more I will have a bit then too…

Washed the dishes already this morning… no I do not have a dishwasher… well other than my hands… lol… brought one load of wood in yesterday… want at least another cart in today… if not 2 more… pay bills… make some phone calls… oxycise… thinking I will do that as soon as I post this… as I seem to have an aversion to following through with it. I know I breath better when I do it… really does make a difference…

The mastiffs are stomping around… telling me they need another run outside… and I can see from the lack of flickering in the glass on the front of the wood stove that I need to add some more wood to the hungry little bugger…

Have a good Monday... you're trading a day of your life for it. Go be awesome! Trying to make this a reality… reeling back the vision to one day… sometimes just one moment at a time…. Wish it was as easy to do as it is to write…

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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