May 2011 is gone, stepping on to June...

WoW, May is dead and gone.  So are my goals for that month. For some reason I seemed to get stuck in place.  Jet ski without it's rider circling around the same patch of water until it's fuel ran out.

That was me this past month. I started out great guns, rock n roll... then phttttt...  Circling for days, then completely ran out of fuel. So what happened?!  Feel like I'm digging around in the decomposing carcass of last month.  What happened, and what can I do to change the outcome for this month?

I lost focus, lost control of my time, and frankly hid in farmville. I allowed the changes in living arrangements to overwhelm me.  It's been a challenging adjustment having David at home all the time.

Even more so trying to regulate his blood sugar. When it get's high it triggers outbursts of uncontrollable rages. I had to decide this month whether I was going to stay here and subject myself to his rages or walk away.  His rage triggered a panic attack, and depression in me.  When his sugar is not spinning out of control he is a good guy. But when he has a piss fit and does not regulate his sugar he is a monster to be around.

It took me most of the month to decide what to do. Tough decision, we have been together since 1990. There have been fits of rage throughout the time we have been together; however the were more positive times than awful.  But then he was gone 3/4 of the time working on the train. So who actually knows how much of the time he spent spinning out of control.  I only know what he was like around me. He seems to lose all cognizant function when he is caught up on the rages.

The challenge is to sort out how much of it is temper tantrum, and how much of it is directly related to blood sugar that is too high.  His behavior has been reminiscent of my Uncle Gene's behavior.  Never knew which person you were going to be with and he could switch without a second's notice.  When he was nice he was wonderful, when he was raging it was like Freddie Kruger on acid. Made life around him like walking through a live mine field. Never knew when you would step on a mine.  I wonder now if he had blood sugar problems as well, because he acted as if he didn't remember his "episodes".  David is the same way.  I thought he was just trying to not take responsibility for his crap actions to start with; but I have come to the conclusion he has no clear memory of his actions when he is in rage.

Dealing with my Uncle growing up nearly pushed me over the edge into a complete psychotic break.  It took me years of work to stabilize; and it's a tenuous stability at that. (anyone that has been through that kind of on going abuse can tell you that)  David's episodes triggered some pretty destabilizing reactions within myself this past month.

I made the decision to work with him a bit longer and try to help him stabilize his blood sugar.  He is going to have to take responsibility for himself at some point... time will tell what happens.

I acted out and ate too much food, and crawled into my shell and hid.  For some reason it seems like the fatter I get the safer I feel.  Looks like I've been hiding in a fat suit.

So; what am I going to do to change my situation.

1. I am researching diabetes, looking into healthful alternatives. Reading, researching.

2. Made a weight loss goal for myself. I would love to lose 20 lbs of fat this month. That works out to an average deficit of 2,334 calories per day. I am not going to starve myself, I am going to keep track, eat healthful, and increase physical activity.

3. How am I going to accomplish the calorie deficit: gardening, hip hop abs, oxycise, turbo jam, house cleaning, walking, incline trainer.

4. Structuring my time. Not set in stone but a daily plan; with my to do list.

5. Accept the fact that there are some things I can not change. Realize that I am not responsible for the things I can not change.  I am however, responsible for those things I can change.

Yes the Serenity Prayer is a Litany in my life.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

So be it!

Life is a journey... new discoveries around each twist in the path...
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202

You can't do that! Dream stealers...masquerading as friends

I just reconnected with a friend of mine (on the phone) that I hadn't visited with for quite some time. There had been no falling out, just passage of time and an overload of life events.

I'm thinking, how to word this. Guess I'll just jump in. Splashing words about. After we finished visiting I stepped outside and took a long look at my mastiffs. We'd had quite the "discussion" about those 2 dogs, as well as some others that have their lifetime home here. Diesel and Sara are my friends and yard guards. They take protecting me very very seriously. My "friend" was adamant that I should have them destroyed. I said no.

Either dog would do anything for me. Before my husband retired I was here alone 3/4 of the time. I also ran a business from home, with clients coming in to pick up their Pom puppies. Periodically stray humans would show up without interviews, or appointments. Frankly I felt, and still do feel, a lot safer with my yard guards around. I remember one psycho emailing me and threatening to cut my head off. I thought, humph bring it dirt bag, soon to be fertilizer. Happily, dirt bag, once discovering he was not able to intimidate went away. But that is another story.

The actual topic of my little note is not my dogs. They just happen to be what was focused on in the tirade I just heard. Come to think of it over the years there's been a whole list of tirades, from chickens, to politics, dogs again and again, working out, business, my mother, as well as various and sundry other choices I've made in my life.

Truth be told it's not even about the choices that I have made, or make; or about his particular person not being able to accept choices, actions, views, beliefs, or whatever that are different than those she holds to be true. It's the couched in, life limiting, concerned  advice. The dream stealing, life stifling, unsought opinions, that we allow to infiltrate our dreams and goals destroying them from the inside out; is actually what this is about.

I don't know that this particular person is deliberately toxic.  I do consider her a friend, although sometimes I wonder. I realized today that so many times after I'd visited with her I'd come away from the conversation doubting myself and my decisions. I don't know that this is her intent, I just know that this is how said conversations have effected me.  Perhaps I should say that this is how I'd allowed said conversations to effect me.

So if you find yourself stuck in a rut, doubting your goals, choices, decisions, dreams, whatever. Take a look at conversations with friends, family, acquaintances. Some folks are deliberately discouraging, others fear change, others can not accept anything that is different than what they believe. Relationships with these folks do not have to be adversarial; just be aware of what is happening.  Whether it's deliberate or not... don't let them steal your dreams.

Dream on

Life is a journey, enjoy the trip.
Mary E. Robbins

So... It's the End of the World?!

I was visiting with a friend of mine the other day and she was afraid. A fear mongering preacher (preacher of his own gospel more like) had terrified her with his rhetoric. She told me what he said. I said ... So... why are you so afraid? She said what of all the other people? I said each of us has free will, we all have choices to make, and are responsible for said choices.

There are no guarantees of tomorrow, live today.

For some the world will end today, for others most likely not.

How we live our lives, or don't live our lives for that matter, doesn't depend so much on circumstances but on perspective. 

We have this gift (or curse depending on your perspective)  this spark of life. We also have free will, again a blessing or a curse, depending on perspective. It's up to each of us how we live; or if we live. Some are here for a while and never live.

When I say, choice in how we live, I am not talking about what car you drive, or the house you live in. Whether you are in a billion dollar mansion, or a mud hut in the jungle, driving a 3 legged ox with a broken cart, or a Bentley.  I am not talking about the circumstances you live in, but how you live.

Sometimes we don't have control, or choice over the circumstance we are in; we do however, have choice in how we live.

Mary E. Robbins
Robbins Run Ranch

So... What's Different This Time?

There's the question. What is different this time around?  I have started and given up, or fallen flat on my rather round face innumerable times over my 51 year lifespan. Started on a fitness goal, or race training, or diet. 

I did accomplish some goals as well. Ran the Tulsa Run (15 kilometers / 9.3 miles) , the Pepsi Challenge ( 10 kilometers/ 6.2 miles). Backpacked over 20 miles. Graduated University with my Degree, did some post grad work in selected subjects. Got married, still married going on 20 years, bought a ranch, paid off the mortgages. Yes we are living mortgage free! YaY!  Did some traveling. Got to know my Dad after being isolated from him as a child. Had the pleasure of a great relationship with him. Ran my own business. Took some time out due to physical issues. Looking at ramping up again.

So there have been some accomplishments. Actually quite a few.  The thing is, how to word this. I never thought of myself as successful. I was always punishing myself for falling short of some imagined guideline. It is amazing how a mindset like that can strip the joy out of life.

I would have to say that is the difference.  I actually have been quite successful, if you compare my accomplishments to my bucket list. Amazing how a simple change in perspective can completely alter your life.

I no longer feel like a fake. Like I am going to be found out for the failure or fake that I felt I was.  I am who I am. Amazingly enough, I actually like myself. Yes, that is amazing to me; because I did not feel worthy of being liked or loved for many years.  I was always stumped by the love your neighbor as you love yourself turn of phrase; because I didn't feel love for myself. 

I loved my horses, I loved my dogs, humans I had problems with.  I always felt like I had been judged, and found to be lacking in worth. The dogs and horses were honest and didn't play vicious games. There was no trying to sort out what their intent was.

With my childhood family there was no sorting out intent. Not for me anyway. I learned at a very early age that I had caused pain, that I was less than, that I was there to do "chores" and that my completion of said chores was lacking no matter what I did.

Ever since I was a small child I have always been rather direct with a highly logical mind. As a result the passive aggressive, round about methods of my family members were somewhat frustrating to me to say the least.  Their behaviors never made any sense to me, but they certainly imprinted. I got the message loud and clear, I did not deserve to be happy, I deserved to be punished.  (Side note: my father was not a part of this situation. He was excluded from my life until I was an adult- I found out after we got to know each other that both of us were direct logical people)

I am not saying my family was deliberately cruel. Well, yeah, sometimes some of them were. However, I remember decorated Christmas trees, long summer days on my horse, and first days of school. 

I listen to my mom now and I hear the same thought patterns coming out in her speech.  She has never broken the pattern, perhaps she does not want to. I don't know. What I do know is that the only person that can change those ingrained patterns is the individual. It's all over the place. People who have nothing to say unless they are making fun of, or denigrating another person. Miserable people feeding on the misery of others.  As well as those laid waste by the venom of others continually repeating the litany in their subconscious.  It's a sad destructive cycle.

I learned early on that if I loved something, or wanted something, didn't matter what it was, that it was leverage against me.  That it would be taken away at a whim, because I didn't deserve it.  The more I wanted something, the quicker it would be taken away. If I lost interest or just gave up, then here it is, let me give you this. Aren't I great because I gave you this. Don't you want it, Oh you do, let me take it away.

I moved 800 miles away when I finished high school.  Little did I know that I was taking it all with me. It's amazing how we carry with us the torture we are trying to leave behind.  

It took years and a lot of work to discover what was behind my self destructive behavior. I saw myself as obese when I wasn't. I punished myself by binging and binging, and gained weight uncontrollably.  I gained until I was over 300 pounds and just kept gaining.

Then through the pain and anguish, a discovery was made. I was continuing the punishments from childhood. Rather than a horse halter or tree switch, I was beating myself with food. Actually it was dual purpose. The binging was self punishment- as well as subduing my emotions.  I was eating my emotions. 

When I made the connection, the "discovery", of what was behind my binging; it was as if a light switch flipped on.  Illuminating the root cause behind years of struggle and pain. It's amazing, I am actually free.  Just makes me giggle with glee. That's not to say that I don't have down times, I do. But now they are not compounded by compulsive binging. I am actually feeling my emotions in the moment rather than subduing them with food (or whatever else I could ingest). 

There are days I would just as soon not feel my emotions. When the grief hits over my Father's death, or Min Min's passing. However I am feeling those emotions, I am also feeling joy at remembering conversations with my dad, and snuggles with my Min Min.  I miss them both, and would have liked some more time with them. However that was not to be. So I am dealing with it.

Note the "dealing with it" as in allowing myself to feel the emotion and letting myself work through the grief. I am also feeling joy as I hear a meadowlark sing, or see the full moon crest the horizon.

I am living my life in each moment. Appreciating the crisp morning air, and a hot cup of strong coffee. I finally see life as a gift rather than as a curse.  I now understand love your neighbor as you love yourself. 

I am free to be. I see what was behind the weight gain, and now I am free to do what I need to do to take care of my body.  I am free to lose fat. I am free to get physically fit. I am free to enjoy the process of becoming healthy. I am free to be. Free to live. Its an amazing feeling.

I look around and I see so many people living in bondage. Misery painted across their faces.  Some show it by their obesity, some by anexoria, others by a variety of compulsive behaviors. 

I wonder how to help them be free as well. I know they have to do the work, to make the discoveries themselves. My hope is that perhaps, just perhaps, my story can help others on their journey to freedom.

Life is a journey, enjoy the trip.
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202