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Truth
in this... woke up this morning... and the typical panic started...
took a breath ... got out of bed and started running the Pominators and
Mastiffs outside for their morning potty break... all the while feeling
the panic and emotional pain rising inside of me... I stopped and gave
thanks for the day... savoring the feel of the sunshine on my face on a
brisk autumn day... the panic and emotional pain subsided... I could
feel it sinking away... such a blessing...
May you walk in peace...
Mary E. Robbins
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I woke up to a wet rainy gray day… frankly
matched my state of mind quite well… of course that can be taken in a
number of ways… dark sad and wet… or the gift of drought quenching
moisture prompting new growth… at this point there is ½ inch of water in the rain gauge.
I hear the quackers outside my office window … enjoying the wet…
quacking and talking amongst themselves as they shovel in the puddles
and eat new grass growth… and earthworms and other crawling creatures
they come across… such a contented sound… probably not so contented for
the creatures they are eating… but then that is the cycle of life is it
not…
Another’s life in this realm came to an end yesterday
evening. Mae Mae is free of her earthly body … she was suffering
greatly and asking for help… and the only help I could give her was to
ease her suffering in this life and help her across the veil. My friend
is running free… this is never an easy thing for me to do… and weighs
upon me greatly… for those of you that do not know… Mae Mae is…was a
little orange Pomeranian…and my friend…
I would hope that when
my time is come… that one would have the courage to help me across the
veil as well… although the way our society views crossing the veil… yes I
mean earthly death… odds are against it.
The house hairballs…
Pominators and Mastiffs have been run out and back inside… as it is
still raining and wet … my second cup of coffee is at it’s end… my
breakfast toast is gone… and so is my time this morning…
May you walk in peace…
Mary E. Robbins
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Good
morning friends… bright sun rising this morning… no fog in my yards…
yet there is a heavy blanket of fog to the southeast… covering the
valley floor… looks as if a cloud grew weary and decided to take a nap…
stretching out across farm and ranch… embracing cattle horses and all
sundry critters alike…
Ahhhhh…. First cup of coffee for the day… strong and black… along with wheat cinnamon toast…
and breakfast is done. That is enough for this morning … as dinner from
last night is still with me. Mixed veggie salad, cornbread, and sloppy
joe hamburger with chunks of onion, tomato, and green pepper. I
actually had not intended to eat as much of it as I did… must have been
hungry for protein.
I have little time to write this morning…
as I have around 18 minutes or less until I need to be out the door…
something has shifted… within me… the past few weeks have been
exceptionally rough… emotionally, mentally, spiritually… I was back to
losing it driving down the road… literally… as wave after wave of
emotional pain smashed into me… around me… over me… ripping what self
preservation I had left… to bits…
Between last night and this
morning… something shifted… perspective perhaps… not really sure… I just
know something has shifted… and rather than writhing in pain… I am
calm. Not emotionless… not depressed… calm…no static… no frenzy… no
panic… calm. How long will this last… I have no idea… but I certainly
am appreciating it while it is here.
So I raise my coffee mug to the sun… greeting the new day… giving thanks for the moment… and step out into the day…
May you walk in peace…
Mary E. Robbins
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Well what do ya know… it is September 12th and
the earth is still turning on it’s axis… the sun is coming up in the
east… beautiful sunrise too … mist is shrouding the valleys … life goes
on … and I am still breathing… So lift the coffee mug and give thanks for the day…
I am so thankful we did not get that hail here like they did around the
Denver metro… geez… sorry they got it there… and still thankful we did
not get it here… we did however get ½ inch of rain yesterday… the kind
that has a chance to soak in… wonderful for the pastures…
Yeah ok… the weeds in my yards are loving it too… grrrrr… but that is another story…
Took a much needed day of physical rest yesterday… and my body is
better for it… so is my state of mind… I was actually able to sleep
last night… not the whole night but a couple of good stretches of time.
The night before back and leg pain just kept waking me up… and what
sleep I did get was fitful.
One friend suggested that if I
was tired for no reason I should get my thyroid checked… yeah I get
that. It’s not my thyroid… I appreciate the suggestion… would be grand
if a little pill would just fix it… but it won’t.
The reason I
am tired is … and geez there is a list… ppphhhhtttt…. Physical pain in
my hands, back, arms, legs, abdomen… emotional and mental stress… grief…
seriously slammed into me again this month … the rollercoaster ride of
ptsd… anxiety/panic attacks… depression…too much weight… difficulty
breathing… and some days an “I’ve seriously had enough of this crap
attitude”…
Is this a get pity feel sorry for me thing… seriously… no it is not… it is what it is…
I am going through a process … and have been for the past 8 months or
so… that requires me to focus on everything that has gone wrong, has
been injured, damaged, or is compromised with my body and mind. This is
something that has to be done… and I am getting closer to the end of it.
Good thing too… because this kind of focus is not healthy… it keeps
one focused on illness and injury rather than focusing on health and
functioning… Frankly whether it’s in mindset or driving down the road…
wherever my focus is … tends to be where I go.
Will changing
my focus repair my back or change the genetics that made my legs this
way… perhaps not… but what it will do is have me asking what can I do to
have optimum function… how can I keep walking… how can I be as healthy
as possible in mind body and spirit… rather than what is broken… what is
failing…
Per example… the lungs of a 94 year old woman… part
of the reason my lungs are this way is scarring from repeated bouts of
pneumonia… and part of the reason is the emotional stress of this past
year… the focus of this process is part of said stress.
Too
my knowledge there is one more appointment… then I am done with this
part of it. No I do not know when said appointment is. Sooner would be
better.
As for today… I may have the lungs of a 94 year old
woman… but I am breathing yet another day… it is what it is… and I am
still here…
The Pominators and Mastiffs are out in the yards…
so sorry cockatiels… it’s inside only for you today… the quackers are
playing in their wading pond… and turning their yards around it into a
duck mud hole… as ducks will do… happy quackers… haven’t checked the
girls (hens) yet to see what bounty they have given… eggs… just coffee,
toast, raw honey, and vitamins this morning… on the breakfast menu…
Then it’s paperwork time… hmmmmm… is it still paperwork if it’s done on
the computer… yeah… gotta pay some bills… I’ll do what I can… and the
rest… well… hmmmmm… one day at a time…
May you walk in peace…
Mary E. Robbins
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