Happy Friday... to do's and bit of a rant

Good morning peeps. Another busy day… or should be… lots of things on my to do list… 30 things actually… will I get all 30 done… dunno… working on it… not sure how long it is going to take at the tire shop. It will be a relief to have that questionable tire off the front of my jeep.

Chilly here this morning and the wind is blowing… it was 49 degrees F when I ran the Pominators out… funny how chilly that seems now and how warm it seems in the winter months… lol… That wind is much colder than 49 though. It’s coming off hail or snow and had a good bite to it this morning.

Geez I am a sore aching puppy this morning… I should have slathered on the unkers last night before I went to bed… but of course I did not… I was doing the bobble head at the computer… as in my head would bobble as I was drifting off to sleep then pop back up… and I just staggered into the bedroom and crashed. Geez… today the question would not be what is aching… but what is not aching… ugh.

Gonna head out and get the ranch rounds done… and take the big trash cans over to the burn bin. I don’t think I’m going to light it up to burn though… just put the grates back over the top and let it sit until there is a calmer day. Too much wind I am thinking. Supposed to rain again later today… want the ranch rounds done before then… no point in sloshing about in the rain if I don’t have to.

Frankly I feel like curling up on the couch under a pile of covers and going back to sleep… but that is not going to get anything done… nor is it going to reduce this aching. Moving about getting some activity in … whether I feel like it or not… should work out some of the stiffness and aching.

Yesterday I had an episode sitting at my desk. My vision started to cloud over and I started to pass out. I grabbed some coQ10 and swallowed it. Episodes are not happening as often as they were… so I am hoping that my body is repairing itself. I am always tired the next day after those episodes. I was getting really angry whenever I thought about what caused this mess. Me listening to the doctors and staying on proton pump inhibitors (Nexium, Prilosec, Prevacid… to list 3 brand names) … I asked the docs over the years if I should still be on them … numerous times… they said yes so I continued. I should have listened to my instincts instead. The long term usages of these drugs can cause heart failure, kidney failure, and liver failure… just to list 3 of their side effects…. I was on them for 20 years. There is a whole list of side effects of coming off them as well… hyper acidity is one of them… battled that with aloe vera juice… and for the most part that side effect has subsided… it took months. Another … and very nasty side effect of coming off these drugs is tachycardia … still have that happening… not as much as it was… but still going on… I use coQ10 to help with that. Mind you it has been 6 months. Why am I writing this… to give other’s a heads up regarding these drugs. Oh and do not be deceived by the generic names… the generics cause the same negative issues. These drugs are useful on a very short term basis… however even on short term they cause hyper-acidity when you come off them. Hyper-acidity… as in more of a stomach acid flare… heart burn, reflux, and so on… than before you actually took the drug.

You will probably see this over and over in my writing… It is so frustrating… upsetting… saddening to me… following the doctor’s instructions… taking these drugs was supposed to be a good thing… a healthy thing… a beneficial thing… and when I first started taking them it was a relief to not have to deal with the stomach acid as much. A huge relief. In the long term it turned into a massively detrimental choice.

This is another case of treating symptoms… managing a disease … rather than working for a positive solution by dealing with the cause of the issue. Actually healing the problem rather than treating symptoms.

I made the mistake of relying on the physicians to tell me what to do… bugger it… I thought that was what we were supposed to do. Just bugger it! David and I both thought that… now he is dead. In large part I believe because of the damage cholesterol drugs did to his heart. We told them the symptoms… what he was experiencing… and they insisted that he try yet another drug in the same family… refusing to listen … and it killed him… he trusted them… and it killed him.

Ok breathe… calm down… I would seriously like to take a sledge hammer to that last doctor… physically hold him responsible for the drugs he prescribes. David was old school… if the doc says it… must be good…. So do it. I kept track of the symptoms I could see happening to him. Yes I told the doc…. No the doc was not happy about it.


Ok… time to stop ranting and go out and do ranch rounds… want to get my pepper plants set out today...

May you walk in peace..

Mary E. Robbins 
Find me on Facebook
Follow me on Twitter

Good morning... feel better today...

 

 

Good morning peeps... busy day today... feel better than yesterday... yesterday was a fever and pain day. pppphhhhttttt.... I could have done without it... but it is what it is... no fever today... and pain has receded... not gone but much less... I put unkers on my hands arms feet... legs and so on.. it's a wonder I didn't slip out of bed... hehehe... but I slept.... so unkers it is. dropped 3.4 lbs over night...yes I know it was swelling... 280.2 this morning...

I could be wrong but I think a good bit of the pain in my hands and arms is directly related to anxiety. Yes the pain is real... anxiety must cause some kind of a chemical release that effects the pain levels... hmmmmm....

Had a bit of blended cottage cheese, flax oil, and fruit for breakfast along with my coffee for breakfast. Feel better when I eat this way... don't want too much though... very rich.... but very very filling. ate around 1/2 cup bought some frozen blueberries to blend in yesterday. that should be yummy.

need to get different tires on my jeep before I end up wrecking... it seems one of the belts... has come loose inside a front tire... that is rather "interesting" trying to drive with that going on...

gotta.... go...

may you walk in peace...

 

Mary E. Robbins

Find me on Facebook

Follow me on Twitter

Memorial Day Weekend… first one done…

  

Ok… well I am still here…. Still a widow… still missing my life… still missing my husband… still do not understand …. I did cook and eat breakfast … did yesterday too. Not much pleasure in it eating by myself. Sound like a pity party… tough… it just is what it is… it’s a couple of days past 5 months since life as I knew it ended. I suppose I am supposed to be over this… yeah right… who ever told you that is full of it…. And I don’t mean full of cotton candy either… although enough of that stuff will make you sick too.

Some time ago I wrote that I did not want to go on without my husband…. And someone had a friggen cow. I am not sure of all of what was said as they pulled their posts. Just as well as I was in a rather dark place. As it turns out it was major depression on top of grieving. No longer in major depression… which is a HUGE relief… it’s pretty scary what a simple chemical imbalance can do. It seems my serotonin levels were low… boosted them with omega 3s …. I am using a combination of flax oil and fish oil… in a capsule called thera tears. I’ve done some research since then and they say flax oil can counter depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and so on. Be fore warned though… it can bloat you… as in gas gas gas that does not want to move… so have some gas x or simethecone on hand to counter if you need to. Oh yeah… I used the thera tears because I had some on hand.

I knew I felt better when I ate flax, or flax oil…. Better state of mind… better state of well being overall… I just did not know why. Probably do not know why in it’s entirety now… but it does make a huge difference for me.

Yes I am still grieving… yes having my having my husband drop dead on Christmas night still sucks. Seriously?!… flax oil can not take the issues that have to be worked through away. But it can help with the stinking depression… mood swings… anxiety… panic attacks and such that are due to a chemical imbalance.

I still do not want to go on without my husband. He was my husband, my lover, my soulmate, my best friend. Why on earth would I want to go on without him?! Really?! No it is not ok with me that my husband was yanked out of this husk we call a body… ok it was his time… nope still not ok with me. Not happy about it. Truth be told… I am rather pissed about it.

Don’t like it that I said that… want to get on your high horse and judge me… ok fine… have a nice ride… but while you are up there riding around… here is a suggestion… just a suggestion mind you… take a good strong look around in your own life and being and see just why it is that my attitude bothers you so much. Not your choice… not your life… my attitude… my life… my responsibility…

I do not have the release to move on yet … or I would already be OUTTA HERE… David was released and he dropped that body like a sack of rotten potatoes. Whoosh… outta here… Don’t get your feelings hurt… yes I do love and appreciate my friends…

Not my time yet… as Mow Mow Tat brushes by my leg reminding me. Although sometimes I wonder… as my heart pounds hard enough to make my body shake. Nope still here… trying to figure out how to navigate this new path.

Mary E. Robbins
Find me on Facebook
Follow me on Twitter

Yesterday was quite the day...

Yesterday was quite the day. Baked some chicken to have for dinner through the week… baked some potatoes to make a potato salad… washed dog laundry… washed dishes… yes the dishes were an “event” since I do not have a dishwasher… other than my hands and had not washed them for a week… hmmmm … maybe longer… took trash out… did not attack that thigh high grass west of the house… just going to mow around the yards… not clear out into the meadow… I do not want to disturb the birds nesting there…

Wild birdsong was beautiful… my state of mind and attitude sucked…. Sorted through some mail and put it in a trash can… geez there’s tons of that stuff to sort and pitch… would like to just grab it all and toss it… but then I’d be in a fix when I tossed papers that I’ll need… pppphhhhttttt….. so it’s sort and pitch… thinking I’ll sort it and stuff it in cat litter bags and use it for kindling on cold rainy nights…. Or I may just take it to the burn bin and be done with it… dunno… doesn’t matter…

Pulled some field grass out of my irises… managed to pull of some iris leaves as well… ah well… gonna plant cucumbers along that fence as well. That worked pretty well last year… more grass to pull… argh!

The bull snake was back… curled up under a hollyhock bugging the dogs… actually I think the dogs were actually harassing the snake… as it was under the flower on the outside of the yard… hissing as the dogs were barking… I sprayed it with the water hose and it went out under a piece of equipment a bit farther away from the yard… as it was on it’s way a robin decided to tell it to get away from her tree… no robin eggs for that snake… brave little bird went after a 4 or 5 ft snake… 

Last night was a majestic light show. WoW! Lightening dancing across the sky to the south and east… and the thunder rolls… sheet lightening lighting up the hollow… then a bright bright strike nearly straight down blazing into the earth to the east of us. As this was going on it was completely still in our little hollow… not a breath of a breeze… not a leaf quivering on the trees. I watched the storm come across… from the southwest… riding the high ridge to the south between us and LaGrange then drifting north east along the north side of the connecting ridge… moving between the gap… I realize it is higher than the ridges… but they seem to effect the wind currents that carry the storms. I’ve watched summer storm… after summer storm follow that pattern… over the years…

It was dark to the south and the east… well dark other than lightening dancing about… but the western sky was still lighter fading into evening… no stars to be seen… then I noticed a bright triangle shining in the west… I usually miss these things… either cloud covers or I am at a loss to figure out what is what… but I actually got to see them last night… Jupiter, Venus, and Mercury… last night was a glorious night… planets shining in the west… white clouds against dark gray in formation across the sky… lightening dancing… flashing… striking to the south and east… quite the show…

On a more somber note… I also heard the ambulance and fire trucks going to the south west… not sure how far… sound carries a long way out here at night… I would postulate that one of those lightening strikes lit something on fire. Another reason to get the grass and weeds mowed for a fire break… not to just keep from stepping on Slinky the Snake… or rather snakes… It won’t be long until that cheat grass is dry and very very flammable… no it’s not all cheat… there are perennial field grasses as well… but there is a good bit of cheat…

The cockatiels are sitting outside in their cage singing along with the wild birds… happy little fellows… they were more than ready to come in when I carried their cage inside last night. All worried looking as it was getting darker and the lightning and thunder was doing it’s dance.

There were two owls on the power line poles across the road calling back and forth to each other in the calm… while the lightning flashed to the south and the thunder rolled… It took me a bit… but as it was dusk rather than dark of night I was finally able to see one of them. I located the other by sound but was unable to see it… the other I could see it’s dark silhouette outlined on the cross bar of the power pole. 

The coyotes joined in with a yipping crying chorus… setting off the neighbors dogs to the east as they ran by on the ridges. Frankly I am rather glad my chicken run is fenced… as are my yards and dog runs. The cattle across the road were anxious with the coyotes about… there are calves in that field as well… and they were mooing … calling out to one another…

I stayed out in the yard listening to the sounds of the night… a chorus of crickets… I’ve loved that sound ever since I was a small child. The coal train rumbling along on the north track then whistling a crossing… can’t hear the trains to the north during the day… but their sounds travels farther at night… an upset robin came flying up to the corner of the mastiff run as I was gathering up their feed dishes… something had disturbed her… and she was telling me about it… only for a moment then off the fence back into the dark of the tree…

Small birds wings rustle as I walk under the juniper tree in the front yard… carrying the mastiff’s feed pans as Sara and Diesel make their patrol around the south yard… snuffling the corners and checking every hiding place for any creature they deem does not belong there. The Pominators were already inside in their beds for the night… munching on kibble or curled up. The house Pominators seriously do not like being outside when the thunder and lightning are doing their dance.

Larry, Curly, and Mo were sprawled on top of their houses waiting to be petted and reassured. Secure in their cat run safe from marauding ranch cats and other creatures, in the night. I ran the mastiffs in to their beds and Puss Cat came up over the fence visiting the young cats in their run. They were none to sure of her and their meows of greeting were mixed with growls… She is the senior female ranch cat on the premises. She knows better than to come in the fenced yards when the mastiffs or Pominators are out in the yards.

I am reading another book… well actually there are several in the process… read a bit put it down think about it… not fictional stories to devour but words and phrases…meanings to ponder. This one is called “The Death of a Husband Reflections for a Grieving Wife” by Helen Reichert Lambin. It’s not a how to get through this book, or what to expect book, it is exactly what the title says it is. The first day I read a couple passages and bawled and put it down. Yesterday I read a few passages and thought… geez these words could be coming out of my mouth. I’d seen it several times on Amazon… it kept jumping out at me… in the suggested reading lists. Usually when a book continues to jump out at me there is something in there for me. So I am reading it. I am thankful she decided to share her musings. Before David’s body died I would not have understood her words… I do now. 

This journey into widowhood has brought knowledge and wisdom with it… frankly both of which I could have selfishly done without. I would have preferred to have journeyed on in this life with my partner, blissfully ignorant… missing out on this “growth opportunity” … seriously!

But it is what it is… take another breath… take another step… down a new path… I liked the path I was on… and did not want to climb on this one… still none too thrilled about it… my old path was comfortable, familiar, and we helped each other along… this one seems to be rather craggy… along a cliff face… requiring growth to navigate it… climb to fly or die…

Just filled my coffee cup… it is soooooo time for some coffee. Then out to do ranch rounds. Want to dump all the wading tubs and refill them with fresh water… as well as the drinking water buckets. May plant my cucumbers today and pull some more grass along the east yard fence… and possibly mow a bit more. That does tend to kick my behind but it needs to be done… so do a bit…stop…do a bit more… repeat…

Too cute... Mow Mow Tat is laying on her back on a pillow under my desk with her arm over her face... purring... happy fat cat...Well it looks as if I have read and written the morning away... gonna grab a bite to eat then head out for ranch rounds...

Mary E. Robbins
Find me on Facebook
Follow me on Twitter