Rough day the day before yesterday… horrid coughing until gagging and choking… lungs hurt all day…good visit with grief counselor from hospice. Crashed again later in the evening. Raunchy night until I curled up with Diesel and went to sleep, slept with Sara and Diesel last night at well. Sara( bull mastiff) got hot and went out to the couch… Diesel (cane corso) curled up and stayed with me…. Sara does love that couch…

Yesterday was a bit more stable. Still waves of grief… but with moments of joy at good memories and being thankful for the time we had physically together. At this point howling waves of grief seems to be the new norm. Good thing I live a distance from my nearest neighbor… if I was in an apartment complex the police would be beating on the door because some neighbor thought someone was getting killed. As it is the kennel joins in … in the howl… They miss him too…

Ok it’s real… I still do not want it to be… but it is. My Poot (nickname for hubs) has crossed over and I am still here… looks like I have something left to do. For one thing these animals need their guardian caretaker.

I’ve been angry … angry at … well angry at the pointlessness of all the work we did trying to prolong David’s life and to make his body healthier… royally pissed at myself for not just saying whatever and letting him have his chewing tobacco and apple fritters. I’ve had a huge “what’s the point” going on.

Then for some reason I was drawn to read … or at least look at the ages on the obituary pages. The ages are all over the place… from the very young… as in not yet born crossing over from the womb… to the very aged…. Interspersed all over in between.

My Uncle Clarence and I used to have this conversation. Years ago before dementia took his mind and memories… he has since crossed over. I remember the last time I saw him alive. He was looking at me un-sure of who I was… with that look I should know you… but who are you… are you friend or enemy. May he have peace on the other side… leaving behind all that was torturous.

Back to topic. Uncle Clarence was in World War II. We talked about it a number of times, and he until the day he passed did his best to stay away from explosives, and fireworks because they triggered him back into the battlegrounds. We talked about the people that lived through the fighting… and those that died. Some walked right out into it and were never wounded… then there were those that fought and tried to keep cover, that were slaughtered no matter how cautious they were. We talked about this and mulled it over at length multiple times… both of us came to the conclusion, at the time, that we must have an exit date... set even before we enter this life…. So to speak.

It would seem that we have a certain number of days… moments… time fragments in this life… then we are done. Frankly I do not believe we can add a moment to the length of our lives. I do however believe we can affect the quality of our lives while we are in this life.

Is this line of thought accurate… I don’t know… I won’t know until I cross over myself… even then I may not know. Frankly it’s the only way I can make any sense of life and death in this realm. As to the why of it, I don’t know that either. As I do not have access to that material… it seems it is classified beyond my clearance level.

I will say this though; David’s stats were better than they had been in years. (A1c, cholesterol numbers etc.) His color was good, his energy levels were picking up, joint pain receding. His body was becoming healthier. He was happy and at peace with life. Then …. Like a switch was flipped… gone. That body shut down … just like a breaker was thrown. He was (still is) a good man and he died a good death.

I am still here. Like so many other wives/husbands/soul-mates who’s partners go on ahead. It seems I still have some life to live. Irrevocably altered from what was… a new adventure… unsought… but there just the same…

I screamed … I yelled.. I hollered… bartered… raged… and yet I could not undo what had been done. It is as it is…. David has crossed over and I am still here… and do not have the release to cross over. Although as erratic as my heart has been and the pain in my lungs makes me wonder how long. One moment at a time… until it’s not.

Today I choose to greet the day… I am thinking I am going to put a pot of coffee on. David loved brewed coffee… he also loved having me make it for him…

David is in my heart… and with me always… and I wait the time until I too can rest… as this guardian is weary…and much in this body is broken and worn… not time yet… more to do… one moment at a time… live your life… now….

Appreciate the moments...

May you walk in peace
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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Amazing predawn moon...

Good morning…. Just ran the mastiffs outside…. Amazing full moon… just enough clouds to frame it beautifully…. Ring around the moon… and it would seem a skunk has come visiting…and been disturbed… probably in one of the cat feeding stations… or a coyote chasing one about… the “aroma” made me very glad I have yard fences… It is 27 degrees F but seems much warmer… wonderfully calm… no wind… absolutely beautiful outside… thinking I am taking my hot cup of tea and honey outside and soak in the beauty of the pre dawn… appreciate the moments… life is happening now…

 In the midst of all the pain grieving stress and loss... I had totally lost sight of this... seeing only devastation and empty moments... hours... days... weeks... months... years ... ahead...

But truth be told… we do not have hours… days… weeks… months… or years… all we actually have is this very moment… This very moment is where life happens…. Where your focus is … what you choose to relive… or dwell on… or seek out… moment to moment is what makes up your life….


May you walk in peace...
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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Heading out to do ranch rounds...

Heading out to do ranch rounds ... the air is filled with wonderful moisture.... makes it so much easier to breathe. Lighting up the burn bin before the rain/snows start... that is if they start... at any rate the wind is not blowing and the bin will be burned down to ash once again... then checking for eggs and feeding the chickens... and on to the kennels... for a full on feed and water... stock up their feeders for several days... the pominators anyway... the big dogs is a daily thing because their feed pans are outside and giving them more just feeds the birds... yes the birds have feed available... but they sure like the dog food...

then I am heading for the wood pile to bring in 2 or 3 carts of wood. At least that is the plan... I'll refill the wood ring then refill the cart and set it beside the table... really do not like burning wet wood... so here is hoping I get enough in to last through the forecast storms...

It is a wonderful 40 degrees F outside with now wind and an overcast sky... I heard doves calling this morning... their sound always makes me think of late summer when I was a child… I remember hearing them call from the huge cottonwoods that lined the dirt lane I grew up on. Loved those trees… but their sound always heralded the end of the summer season. In my mind I can see the green of the cotton wood leaves… and hear their rustle above. It was always cooler under those trees than the Chinese elms. Such shiny beautiful leaves… mom used to tell me to leave grandma’s dog … Frisky alone during what she called the dog days of summer… the dog days being when it was so hot they got irritable… He was a black and white terrier dog… I remember grandma with her long hair is shades of silver and gray… her coffee mug with the coffee hound inside of it… Her house was always so clean… I do not to this day know how she did that… I’ve always loved a clean organized house… but have never had the knack for it… perhaps I can develop it yet…

She had hollyhocks… and petunias… pink single roses… and white flowers I can not remember the name of now… oh yes and white asters that had tiny flowers by the multitudes and grew taller than I was at the time…Grandma had blue eyes… she make me the prettiest dresses to start the first day of school in when I was a little girl.. and little short sets with flowers on them to wear in the summers… I hope she and mom are having a wonderful time on the other side… I miss them both…

I planted flowers here last fall… I hope they make it… tulips, 4’oclocks, bachelor buttons, morning glories, peonies, crocus, iris, daylilies, stargazer lilies, bearded iris, dutch iris, daffodils… or jonquils as my husband always called them.

I hope they grow and thrive and bloom and that David can see them too. I looked at a seed catalog yesterday. Then couldn’t stand it and just left it on the table…. David had been talking to his brother in law about having a garden together. Probably would never have happened… but he was so happy talking about it.

We had been talking about planting some mulberries, cherries, black berries, and raspberries. Probably more tasty treats for the grasshoppers… but we were going to give it a go. When he was here… as in alive and home from the railroad he made an effort to help till the ground… and dig the holes for the trees to go into. We set out 3 aspen last fall… He had such an awful time with his skin when he was out in the green growth… his hands would break out something awful… he tried anyway…

Last summer he got me a fly fishing rig… then we didn’t make it back out to try it out… the summer got so hot that we stayed home and watched Gunsmoke in the air conditioning. Both of us loved that series.

Ok… going to stop rambling for a bit and head out the door… today everything is bringing David to mind… I’m thinking there may be more rain coming from my eyes than from the skies today… aw well… perhaps this is as it should be.

I have to trust that it was David’s time to cross over… This thought came to me as I was sitting in the recliner gasping for breath after a particularly nasty coughing episode a day or 2 ago. My lungs were on fire and I was borderline on passing out and I became worried for the mastiffs and the rest of the crew. The mastiffs were loose in the house and there was no way they would allow anyone to get into the house to take care of them if I were to cross over… then the thought came… ok… there is nothing I can do about this… if I am to cross over I will just have to trust that it is my time to do so and all is as it was meant to be…. Then I heard in my head… the same is for David… Just trust, and allow yourself to walk in peace.

On that note… I am heading out the door…. Ranch rounds and all that… oh yeah… I saw a bald eagle fly over yesterday as I walked to the mailbox… and listened to the sweet sounds of bird song this morning … David had lost that range of hearing… he could no longer hear their sweet song after so many years of screaming steel on steel from the steel train wheels on the steel track… I am thinking he can hear them now…

Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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Wake up and Know...

Wake up and know…. You are not alone.

Celebrate life!

I was asleep … and now I am awake…

I woke early this morning… well relatively early for me… between 5 and 6 a.m. and of course nestled down into my covers once again…. Thinking I wanted to slip back into the soft darkness of sleep. Then wondering, what was it I was dreaming. As the remnants of where I had been in my sleep laughed at me and danced away… leaving the sense that I had been … and still was… wrapped in the love of those that love me and that I love… that have since crossed the veil.

I pulled back the down alternative blankets that I was snuggled into… moved aside my body pillow… placed my mini pillow in its spot for the day… Yes I named a small pillow after Mini Tatanka (Pomeranian) after she crossed. Sat upright with my feet on the floor … toes seeking my slippers and got up. Then did the morning walk to the bathroom... as my body started its morning routine. It’s a short walk, as the bathroom in our little house is right next to the bedroom. Ran a brush through my hair… did my business in the bathroom and headed to the kitchen.

I looked out the kitchen window to the east to see if there was any semblance of light on the horizon… it was but a palate of shades of grays… Headed to the wood stove to add a couple of pieces of firewood and damp it back down… thankful the weather has shifted once again to warmer…. Rather than the sub zero bitter it had been.

Diesel (cane corso) is awake and following me around… Sara (bull mastiff) is still stretched out on the couch… I know she is awake… but she is waiting for me to tell her to get up and go outside to stretch her legs and do her business. The three of us walked up the ramp to the landing to the front door and outside we all went. I turned on the porch light to get a better view of the thermometer… nearly 30 degrees F. and no wind. Wonderful!

I looked again of to the east and could see a rosy glow coming up over the ridge to the southeast… the sun is coming… The fiery pink hues spread across the clouds to the east in celebration of the day…. Dancing across the sky, giving a gift of beauty to any that would stop… take a moment and receive its glory.

The small birds in the evergreen tree in front of the house, are flittering their wings and greeting the day. It is so quiet outside that I can hear their wing movements above my head. I cannot see them in the shadows of the tree branches… but I can hear them… awakening and giving thanks for the day.

I had made a cup of coffee while I was in the house... and had taken it ouside with me. I took a sip of coffee then set it on the old barbeque grill sitting beside the porch… stepped away to stare in awe at the beauty spreading across the eastern sky. Color so intense that it denies capture by camera.

I thought of David… honey look at that… so beautiful… I felt his presence with me… as I wondered what amazing sights he was now able to see…

I gave thanks for the day… letting the peace fill me … flow through me… as above so below… accepting the gift of this new day in this life.

As I was watching the colors spread and shift across the sky I heard this thought in my mind… life in this realm is a fleeting as that sunrise… filled with the shifting colors and hues throughout… it is up to you whether you accept its beauty or hide in fear in the darkness… blinding yourself to all that there is…

You are not alone… I am with you always…

As I stood there in the quiet… I felt the love of those that had passed through the veil before me… without the confusions and pain of this realm… I felt the life surrounding me running through me… of this realm and onwards… all connected… the closest I can come to in description is as a huge web… interconnected… not trapped as in a spider web… but free to move about yet connected to one another… across the realms… across the veils… I do not have the words to adequately express…

There is a phrase that continues to echo through my mind… through my very being…

Wake up and know… You are not alone….

Is this just for me… No it is not…

Wake up and know… You are not alone…

May you walk in peace...
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
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