We can be our own worst enemy...

How many times have you gotten in your own way?  As for me over the years it has been countless times.  The article below by Jim Rohn touches on this phenomena. Spoke to me... enjoy...

Mary E.Robbins

“Facing the Enemies Within” by Jim Rohn

Fears, even the most basic ones, can totally destroy our ambitions. Fear can destroy fortunes. Fear can destroy relationships. Fear, if left unchecked, can destroy our lives. Fear is one of the many enemies lurking inside us.

Let me tell you about five of the other enemies we face from within. The first enemy that you’ve got to destroy before it destroys you is indifference. What a tragic disease this is. “Ho-hum, let it slide. I’ll just drift along.” Here’s one problem with drifting: you can’t drift your way to the top of the mountain.

The second enemy we face is indecision. Indecision is the thief of opportunity and enterprise. It will steal your chances for a better future. Take a sword to this enemy.

The third enemy inside is doubt. Sure, there’s room for healthy skepticism. You can’t believe everything. But you also can’t let doubt take over. Many people doubt the past, doubt the future, doubt each other, doubt the government, doubt the possibilities and doubt the opportunities. Worst of all, they doubt themselves. I’m telling you, doubt will destroy your life and your chances of success. It will empty both your bank account and your heart. Doubt is an enemy. Go after it. Get rid of it.

The fourth enemy within is worry. We’ve all got to worry some. Just don’t let it conquer you. Instead, let it alarm you. Worry can be useful. If you step off the curb in New York City and a taxi is coming, you’ve got to worry. But you can’t let worry loose like a mad dog that drives you into a small corner. Here’s what you’ve got to do with your worries: drive them into a small corner. Whatever is out to get you, you’ve got to get it. Whatever is pushing on you, you’ve got to push back.

The fifth interior enemy is over-caution. It is the timid approach to life. Timidity is not a virtue; it’s an illness. If you let it go, it’ll conquer you. Timid people don’t get promoted. They don’t advance and grow and become powerful in the marketplace. You’ve got to avoid over-caution.

Do battle with the enemy. Do battle with your fears. Build your courage to fight what’s holding you back, what’s keeping you from your goals and dreams. Be courageous in your life and in your pursuit of the things you want and the person you want to become.

Beginnings again...

August first 2011, just a date on a calender. Yet another date, a number on a piece of paper. So many times I've started some health and fitness goal only to crash and burn with depression and a monster binge.

I'm not sure how to explain or describe what is different this time around but something is. Perhaps it's the extreme stress over the past few years. Perhaps it's watching my husband shrink into a rocking recliner watching non stop tv after retirement.

He is only 60 yet he acts as if he is just done. I am only 51 and I do not want to live the rest of my life in a depressed limbo. I am far enough along now from the hernia surgery in January that I should be able to start rebuilding my abdominal muscles.

It seems like I've been angry ever since I came home from surgery in January. I'm not sure why.

I think I am more angry at myself than at anyone else. Angry for letting myself get sucked in over and over. I shortcircuited so badly that the panic attacks flared to the point of being indistinguishable from a heart attack or bad asthma attacks.

I could say that I am done allowing others to push my buttons, to draw me into whatever drama they are creating in their existences... but that would be bullsh*t. There is always going to be some created human drama going on. Whether its something with a friend or relative; or drama on a world or national level, like this debt ceiling nightmare. Unbelievable hubris on the part of our congress/senate.

From time to time I will more than likely get caught up in it. Until I realize what is happening yet again and walk away.

There is absolutely nothing I can do about the "drama" others create. Nada, zip, zilch, nothing. Does that mean I am giving up? No it doesn't, it means I am stopping the process of taking responsibility for the actions of others. Doesn't mean that I don't care. Just that you are responsible for your own drama. I am no longer available to carry that load, carry it yourself.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Life is a journey, the trip is more enjoyable when carrying less baggage.
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202
www.robbinsrun.com

May 2011 is gone, stepping on to June...

WoW, May is dead and gone.  So are my goals for that month. For some reason I seemed to get stuck in place.  Jet ski without it's rider circling around the same patch of water until it's fuel ran out.

That was me this past month. I started out great guns, rock n roll... then phttttt...  Circling for days, then completely ran out of fuel. So what happened?!  Feel like I'm digging around in the decomposing carcass of last month.  What happened, and what can I do to change the outcome for this month?

I lost focus, lost control of my time, and frankly hid in farmville. I allowed the changes in living arrangements to overwhelm me.  It's been a challenging adjustment having David at home all the time.

Even more so trying to regulate his blood sugar. When it get's high it triggers outbursts of uncontrollable rages. I had to decide this month whether I was going to stay here and subject myself to his rages or walk away.  His rage triggered a panic attack, and depression in me.  When his sugar is not spinning out of control he is a good guy. But when he has a piss fit and does not regulate his sugar he is a monster to be around.

It took me most of the month to decide what to do. Tough decision, we have been together since 1990. There have been fits of rage throughout the time we have been together; however the were more positive times than awful.  But then he was gone 3/4 of the time working on the train. So who actually knows how much of the time he spent spinning out of control.  I only know what he was like around me. He seems to lose all cognizant function when he is caught up on the rages.

The challenge is to sort out how much of it is temper tantrum, and how much of it is directly related to blood sugar that is too high.  His behavior has been reminiscent of my Uncle Gene's behavior.  Never knew which person you were going to be with and he could switch without a second's notice.  When he was nice he was wonderful, when he was raging it was like Freddie Kruger on acid. Made life around him like walking through a live mine field. Never knew when you would step on a mine.  I wonder now if he had blood sugar problems as well, because he acted as if he didn't remember his "episodes".  David is the same way.  I thought he was just trying to not take responsibility for his crap actions to start with; but I have come to the conclusion he has no clear memory of his actions when he is in rage.

Dealing with my Uncle growing up nearly pushed me over the edge into a complete psychotic break.  It took me years of work to stabilize; and it's a tenuous stability at that. (anyone that has been through that kind of on going abuse can tell you that)  David's episodes triggered some pretty destabilizing reactions within myself this past month.

I made the decision to work with him a bit longer and try to help him stabilize his blood sugar.  He is going to have to take responsibility for himself at some point... time will tell what happens.

I acted out and ate too much food, and crawled into my shell and hid.  For some reason it seems like the fatter I get the safer I feel.  Looks like I've been hiding in a fat suit.

So; what am I going to do to change my situation.

1. I am researching diabetes, looking into healthful alternatives. Reading, researching.

2. Made a weight loss goal for myself. I would love to lose 20 lbs of fat this month. That works out to an average deficit of 2,334 calories per day. I am not going to starve myself, I am going to keep track, eat healthful, and increase physical activity.

3. How am I going to accomplish the calorie deficit: gardening, hip hop abs, oxycise, turbo jam, house cleaning, walking, incline trainer.

4. Structuring my time. Not set in stone but a daily plan; with my to do list.

5. Accept the fact that there are some things I can not change. Realize that I am not responsible for the things I can not change.  I am however, responsible for those things I can change.

Yes the Serenity Prayer is a Litany in my life.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

So be it!

Life is a journey... new discoveries around each twist in the path...
Mary E. Robbins
307.788.0202

You can't do that! Dream stealers...masquerading as friends

I just reconnected with a friend of mine (on the phone) that I hadn't visited with for quite some time. There had been no falling out, just passage of time and an overload of life events.

I'm thinking, how to word this. Guess I'll just jump in. Splashing words about. After we finished visiting I stepped outside and took a long look at my mastiffs. We'd had quite the "discussion" about those 2 dogs, as well as some others that have their lifetime home here. Diesel and Sara are my friends and yard guards. They take protecting me very very seriously. My "friend" was adamant that I should have them destroyed. I said no.

Either dog would do anything for me. Before my husband retired I was here alone 3/4 of the time. I also ran a business from home, with clients coming in to pick up their Pom puppies. Periodically stray humans would show up without interviews, or appointments. Frankly I felt, and still do feel, a lot safer with my yard guards around. I remember one psycho emailing me and threatening to cut my head off. I thought, humph bring it dirt bag, soon to be fertilizer. Happily, dirt bag, once discovering he was not able to intimidate went away. But that is another story.

The actual topic of my little note is not my dogs. They just happen to be what was focused on in the tirade I just heard. Come to think of it over the years there's been a whole list of tirades, from chickens, to politics, dogs again and again, working out, business, my mother, as well as various and sundry other choices I've made in my life.

Truth be told it's not even about the choices that I have made, or make; or about his particular person not being able to accept choices, actions, views, beliefs, or whatever that are different than those she holds to be true. It's the couched in, life limiting, concerned  advice. The dream stealing, life stifling, unsought opinions, that we allow to infiltrate our dreams and goals destroying them from the inside out; is actually what this is about.

I don't know that this particular person is deliberately toxic.  I do consider her a friend, although sometimes I wonder. I realized today that so many times after I'd visited with her I'd come away from the conversation doubting myself and my decisions. I don't know that this is her intent, I just know that this is how said conversations have effected me.  Perhaps I should say that this is how I'd allowed said conversations to effect me.

So if you find yourself stuck in a rut, doubting your goals, choices, decisions, dreams, whatever. Take a look at conversations with friends, family, acquaintances. Some folks are deliberately discouraging, others fear change, others can not accept anything that is different than what they believe. Relationships with these folks do not have to be adversarial; just be aware of what is happening.  Whether it's deliberate or not... don't let them steal your dreams.

Dream on

Life is a journey, enjoy the trip.
Mary E. Robbins