May you all walk free

Gratitudes:
beautiful sunrise
warm house
good friends...

I read this post from Healing From Complex Trauma and Ptsd/cptsd and wanted to write them a thank you note… then I thought … the more people that see this the better… may you all walk free…

The thank you note:

Thanks for posting this… I just came through a situation… correction I am still working my way through a situation… steeped in disrespect and abuse.

This person caught me totally off guard and triggered me back to a time when I was a child and did not have the option of “walking away”…

I caught myself turning back into that terrified child… wanting to coddle and console the abuser because I had done something wrong and needed to be forgiven for the imaginary wrong and take care of their hurt… all the while my heart breaking … crying out… how am I so wrong… how is what I did so terrible…

It is so easy… to fall back into old ingrained patterns… to allow caring and empathy to turn into enabling and codependency… to step into … or fall into that caretaker victim role once again.

Actually easy is not the right word for this… for there is nothing “easy” about it.

The length of time this person put into laying the groundwork for this dominance attack is frankly rather amazing to me… however I am no longer that frightened child… mourning widow yes… but frightened child no… no matter how painful or difficult it may be… I can… will… and have … stepped away from stepped away…

Doesn’t mean that I don’t care… for I do… what it does mean is that abuse is no longer tolerated here…

Give yourself a hug… lift your face to the wind… savor the mornings sunrise… taste the freedom… and walk away…


Post from Healing From Complex Trauma and Ptsd/cptsd:

A note to my future life

Dear 'not nice people' of the world

I used to take so much crap from anyone, walked on egg shells around people, who couldn't care less what they did to me, what harm they caused.

I've put up with emotional, verbal abuse, name calling, being blamed for things that were not my issue, being shamed into accepting guilt for things I did not cause, for most of my life, having people walk all over me.

For a long time, I didn't believe I deserved any better.

But, now I do.

Now I know my self worth, I have self respect and know I deserve kindness and I expect the same respect I give to others.

I won't be the doormat to anyone's issues anymore.

I accept and have empathy for people's issues, but I do not need to allow myself to be hurt by them.

I have boundaries, healthy ones and I am using them.

Anyone who does not like my boundaries, that is okay and you can avoid me should you need to.

You have your own boundaries and I accept and respect yours.

This way we can co-exist in this world.

And I will continue helping to support those who have also endured the same.

Yours faithfully

Healing Me

******* 
May we all walk free...

Mary E. Robbins
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for all of this and more... gratitude...

Gratitudes:
A rest day at home
Netflix
22 years in a relationship with my husband… who told me he loved me… and that I was beautiful…

22 years of dishes… erratic schedules… laundry… smelly feet (yes both his and mine… lol) … step kids… reunions… bills… calls out at all times of the night and day (railroad) … diabetes… doctors… insulin… vitamins… research… and more research… Pomeranians… big dogs… firewood… wood stoves…ashes… goats… hogs… Holsteins… a Chihuahua (Eleanor who loved drinking my coffee)… ginger the truck… old tractors… 

weeds weeds and more weeds… flowers… tomatoes… hazel eyes… oh those shining hazel eyes… kittens and cats… chickens… Ralph the bullsnake… Muscovy ducks… big red caddy… red jeep… silver jeep (the jeeps were/are our MacGyver mobiles)… illnesses… surgeries… heartache… happiness… Pomeranian clients… our little ranch… shining work boots… that man could seriously polish a boot… prairie dogs… yes even the prairie dogs… garden… friendship… disagreements… agreeing to disagree… companionship… love… 

deliberate hands… I used to love to watch him work with his hands… Folgers coffee… his coffee brand was Folgers… he loved it so I drank it too… I was actually a Maxwell house girl when we met… lol… the military channel… he always laughed when he heard me say pencil… ever since I was a little girl I’ve pronounced it penk-sil for some reason… 

Christmas trees… holiday lights… even when it was too much for us to put them up out here… razor sharp knives… he was a magician with a steel… he could put such a wonderful edge on a knife… old tv… Gun Smoke, Marshall Dillon, Andy Griffith, The Rifleman… Movies… Tombstone… several versions… build it and they will come… Dance With Me… Dances with wolves… for the love of the game… Secretariat… Rooster Cogburn… The Shootist… Dirty Harry… how it’s made… American restoration… pawn stars… American pickers… fishing… parmesan chicken… which he absolutely hated… truth be told that recipe did turn out nasty… 

He used to say “I wanted you for me… you are for me” … he had already given so much… he wanted someone just for him… he came first in my life… and I came first in his… our very first date he showed up with a dozen red roses… and roses were a part of our relationship all the way through… I would try to lose fat… and he would praise me for it… then he would hug me… and snuggle in…rub my belly …say “I love your belly” … then go and buy chocolates… yeah I rubbed his belly too… 

I hated it that he had to stick those insulin needles in his belly… I knew they hurt him… I would have done anything to make it better for him… and I tried to… he was the same way with me… he took care of me after  surgery left me unable to even get out of bed on my own… I went from this strong woman who could pick up and walk off with a railroad tie… to a person that could not lift the coffee pot… or get out of bed without aid… and he was there through it all… 

he fought his way back from a stroke… after losing speech … and nearly his life… we worked through it together… we were a team… we always looked to each other… no matter what we supported each other… even when we disagreed… we supported each other… we hugged each other… we danced together… usually to 50’s & 60’ music around the kitchen and living room… steak and potatoes and he was a happy camper…

We met in 1990… Married October 26th 1991… we were lifers.
We loved and we lived with all life’s twists and turns… we were best friends… even with all the pain and devastation his passing has left in it’s wake… I would not give up a minute of our lives together…

I was thinking the other day I might try to do some of the things we had planned on doing over the coming years. We had put off our travels until retirement…. As we mistakenly thought we had time to do these things together. Was not major things… just going to the museums in Cody WY and seeing old faithful and the devils tower…

We watched the Canadian and US passenger train tour on dvd… talking about perhaps making the trips… We talked about taking a trip to Alaska… it was funny though… we would talk about these things… then he would say… but that is such a long way from home… he loved just being home… especially after having to be gone so much of the time.

He believed in me… and cheered me on in my dream to fly… so perhaps I will study the materials… whether I ever solo in a plane or not.

He would walk out into the yard at night… both of us would… and just stare up at the night sky in awe… happy to be looking at it together… actually that outshone any of the trips and such that we spoke about… just being together was enough… anything else was gravy…

I am doing my best to honor his wishes in taking care of the dogs…. Staying here and keeping them their home until their time in this life is over…

I have lived… I have loved… truth be told … I am tired… I am so very very done…
Someone told me today… that I am a young woman… that’s funny… yes I am a woman in her 50’s… but frankly age is a relative thing… I will be here until I am not… and not a moment longer… if I am called across before my dogs have aged out… my prayer is that they are treated kindly… as long as I am here… and they are her I will care for them… and just in case anyone is confused or wondering… or perhaps just for me to say… as if it not already obvious… or at least I would have thought so… David will always be a part of me… which is why I now carry his rose on my shoulder…

Some of you will understand what I have written… and some of you will not… and that is ok too… each of us has our own journey to walk in this life… for all of this and more... gratitude...

Mary E. Robbins
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A Peaceful Heart

Good morning Peeps…
Beautiful fresh snow on the ground… totally calm … as in no wind… not very cold… in the 30’s in my front yard… Pominators & Mastiffs have already been run out… Mastiffs are still out for a bit…

Breakfast is cooked and done… home fries (potatoes) 2 sausage links, 2 eggs, and ½ grapefruit… oh yeah and coffeeeeeee…. Of course coffee…

The talk is playing on tv… gotta love the internet… popped over to CBS.com and clicked on the talk and there she goes… yay… those girls do make me laugh…

Fell asleep right after dinner last night… sitting in the recliner couch… woke up and staggered off to bed…

Actually feel pretty rested this morning… thankfully no obnoxious calls last night… giving thanks for that… yay!

Got the estimates for the work needing to be done on my truck… ugh… but it is what it is…

Washed dishes this morning… been trying to train them to wash themselves… but failing miserably… lol…

Feel much better today… this past week has been a bit of a nightmare (understatement of the week)… swinging back and forth from anxiety, depression, massive panic attacks… to outright rage… when this crap happens… there is no getting around it except to go through it…

I refuse to give into fear… I refuse to give the abusive person that attacked me power over my life… I am thankful that this person’s true face was shown now rather than later.

Deal with your issues and take responsibility for your words and actions… rather than attacking others and blaming them for the mess you made yourself. No one is perfect… at least not in this life… all of us are a work in progress… learning and growing as we go along… it is up to us whether we stagnate and turn into something toxic or move forward bit by bit… sometimes one step forward several steps back… but still growing… as difficult… painful as it may be… we all have… what’s that word… oh yeah… the c word… choice…

May you walk in peace…

Busy full day today…

Would love to stay… but gotta go…

Gratitudes:
Warm bed
Laughs at the Talk
A peaceful heart

Mary E. Robbins
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threats... attacks... self defense... forgiveness...

I didn’t know whether I was going to write this for posting or just for my journal… it’s been an enlightening, saddening, and very stressful week. Triggering massive panic attacks... and anxiety off the charts...

Up until this week guns for me were simply a tool to be used on the ranch when necessary. To put down an animal for slaughter, or to put down an animal that was suffering with no hope of recovery.

My husband who has since passed over to the other side, loved to collect them. not a psycho gun nut... simply a collector... a responsible human being. He liked to target shoot… and I shot with him.

From my beloved husband’s point of view… some guns were works of art… fine craftsmanship… with beautiful etching…

It just depends on the situation.

This past week… a neighbor whom we considered to be a friend became completely irrational towards me and attacked me via the phone… repeatedly… with the threat of physical violence underlying the calls. This person was not a close friend … but we were neighborly. His verbal attacks were repeated and vicious… and completely irrational... as well as unprovoked. I called the sheriff twice… my ranch is approximately 17 to 20 miles from the sheriff’s office… the neighbor lives about a mile from me… give or take a bit… there have been 2 restraining orders against this guy … that I know of…

After a couple of calls I refused to pick up the phone when his number came on caller ID… my answering machine picked them up instead… and he was vile…. Always with the threat of violence underlying… the thing that truly put me on alert was the irrationality of it all. If he is this irrational with a history of violence… he is capable of anything.

The rage I heard in his voice, the irrational ranting, the knowledge that he has attacked people before put me on full alert… since my husband died it’s just me and the animals living here. (frankly I am very thankful for my mastiffs)

I’ve been on the receiving end of a beating from an irrational drunken male before… (no not my husband… he was not that way) there is no reasoning with them… they just want to hurt you and they do… beatings… rape… cruelty…

I will not be put in that position again. Nor do I appreciate the campaign of terror he tried to inflict.

I called the sheriff’s office… and told them what was going on… they said to block his phone number…

The phone calls weren’t the major issue… vile…nasty… yes…but not the major issue… the threat of violent contact was… still is… (here is hoping this individual stays away from me and just gets on with his own life)

If he bursts through my house door or accosts me on my property while I am out taking care of my livestock I will defend myself. Yes I would try to call the sheriff… but when attacks happen… they happen really fast… and yes that is the voice of experience… from an unarmed woman at the time.

Now I would try to defend myself with whatever I had on hand… hands, feet, knife, pitchfork, hoe, bucket… whatever… but I would have a much better chance of survival with a hollow-point bullet.

Most of the time I will never need it… whether it’s to stop a cougar that has decided to attack, a rattle snake, or some injured creature that is lashing out… or a loose rabid dog… or a vicious irrational human.

I don’t want to… but if I have to… I will put him down like a rabid dog who’s only option is to suffer and die or be put down.

Not something I want to do… not living in fear… just done. I will not be some abuser’s victim again… not if I can do anything about it. I will always take peaceful means first… as I would much rather live in a peaceful way… with respect for each other… agreeing to disagree when there are differences of opinion… and so on.

However… when attacked I will defend myself by any means necessary.

I deal with men on a daily basis… 99.9% of them are decent human beings… then there is that twisted predator dropped in the mix wearing a decent human being mask. Don’t believe they exist… look at all the missing people posters… men…women…children…

Thanks … but I’ll pass on being the next victim in their parade… been there done that… don’t care to do it again.

That being said… just having a gun is not going to protect anyone. That is a false sense of security. A gun is a tool… if you do not know how to use it defensively … calm without fear… you are going to get hurt or hurt someone else that is in actuality no threat to you. Or if they are a threat and you think having a gun is going to protect you… wrong… threaten with a gun… and risk having it taken away from you and used on you.

Your first line of defense are your instincts… if something feels off… it is… listen to your instincts… be aware of your surroundings. I am not saying to live in fear… I am saying to be aware…

Not the way I would have chosen to live… but it is what it is… hmmmm… guess a gun is still just a useful tool to me…

I would rather the sheriffs handle things… but realistically there is little they can do until an actual act of violence is in progress… then with the distances… it is simply too late.

May you walk in peace…

Mary E. Robbins
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Daily Gratitudes:
sunny morning
hot coffee
true friends